Who is BU, him or me?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

There's a bit of a back story here.

I've been with my 'd'p 4 coming up to 5 years. He has his own place, I have mine. I have 5 year old ds from previous relationship. Started going out when ds was about 10 months.

P has got form for falling out with me and saying that he's not happy. I used to try to resolve things even when I felt that he was in the wrong. Never worked, infact he seemed to just used this to his advantage that I was 'desperate' to sort it out. Now I just say, fine, noones holding a gun to your head to be with me. Seems to have worked and he doesn't do it so much now.

Biggie is he won't commit, when I say he won't, he says he will and is, but we don't live together, not married, he doesn't want more kids.

To show his 'commitment' he's started staying over 6 nights a week instead of once on the week and at the weekend. Potentially putting me at risk of benefit fraud as I claim working tax credits as top up to my salary. And even though we aren't living together, (he owns his own house, has his own bills), I'm sure it wouldn't look good and I wouldn't even want to be in the situation of having to answer the questions. But, he's supposed to be moving in any time soon and I didn't want to rock the boat, so I've been letting it go.

For a while my house has been a bit of a tip as I haven't been keeping on top of it, I'm the only one who really does anything in the house and I'd sort of given up, over half term I did a big clean and got most of it lovely and clean and tidy. I don't expect a spotless house, but it needed doing. All week I cooked ds and dp lovely from scratch meals and made cakes, at the weekend (last weekend) I asked p to help me to have a quick tidy up Saturday morning, to keep on top of it, he said he'd hoover the stairs which was great, he did this while I did some washing and gave the skirting boards upstairs a quick wipe and we both did ds room, spent about 30 minutes in all tidying before we all went out. Sunday I cooked a roast and asked p to wash up while I bathed ds. And Monday we were both off work so after a day in town he helped me to put some washing away in my room. I hoovered the living room and p said I was 'mad'.

He was supposed to be coming over to stay Wednesday, I get a text at 4.00pm just saying 'not coming tonight'. His reasons he were he was tired and finished work late and his clothes got wet at work (he has clothes here), and this was all said to me in a horrible tone of voice on the phone before he hung up on me. This annoyed me only because if he's moving in soon, will he not come home because he's tired and wet?

I left it at that, but heard nothing from him all night, or all day Thursday. He did text Thursday night saying he's sorry and had a lot on at work and that I don't deserve this.

I've sort of had enough of the moods and the silent treatment, I haven't even bothered trying to ring him to sort it out as he doesn't answer the phone when he's in one of his moods.

Forward to tonight and he's text to say that he's sorry for being funny he just has a lot on his mind. I asked to know what on earth's going on, and his response was. He's unhappy with me being clean and dragging him into it, he's annoyed with me as on Monday we went into town for lunch (I paid for this lunch, although he did buy me a coffee and a top) but I moaned as Nando's sat us on a table with someones leftovers, we left and went to pizza hut and I moaned that they took half an hour to take payment. In my defence I never moan about eating out and I'm never usually fussy so moaning was a one off for me. Same with the cleaning, I almost never ask him to do anything.

Am I being so unreasonable asking a grown man who's practically sharing my home to spend one hour over 3 days helping me to tidy up?

Oh and what really got my back up is ds had parents evening last night, he had a lovely report and when I told p he didn't even acknowledge this. We also promised to take ds bowling tomorrow and he seems to have forgotten or not give a shit about that either.

£900 gas bill and he's never at home??

He's either stringing you a line or he's really really bad with money.

Which is just one more reason that he is not what you need.

I think you should walk away.

Seems to be the verdict is that I'm only being unreasonable for actually staying with him, and that it's all quite hopeless.

Initially I did go into the relationship with the very best of intentions, now it does seem hopeless, and that the only upside is having someone to do things with.

I'm unlikely to enter into another relationship now because of the impact on ds, and I'm a little afraid of only my books for company at night.

Why are you wanting him to move in? Wouldn't it be better to live in your separate homes and let him sleep over a couple of nights a week. That way he will be less moody and he can get away with not pulling his weight.

Think of him more of a occasional date/boyfriend then part of your family and home. Means you can keep the romance.

Nannyogg, he really did get a £900 bill. That's on top of him already paying £75 a month for electricity. I saw it all on his online account.

His actual KWH usage is double mine for both Gas and Electricity which I cannot understand as he really is hardly there, he was on the most expensive tarif and is careless, leaves lights on and everything on standby, but even so... This is why I tried to sort it out for him and asked for someone to check his meter. But, it looks as though he's never given a meter reading.

As far as I know now nobody has followed up on checking the meter, and I know what he'll end up doing, he'll just pay it on his credit card because he can't be bothered to chase them up. Then it will probably all be somehow my fault for not helping him enough.

Ugh, no I couldn't do that Retro, not now.

What would you do if he gets back in touch and says YES LETS LIVE TOGETHER? Would that undo everything else bad about him?

You could do so much better!

So can you imagine your bills if he moved in with you properly?

Unless you want to spend your life nagging him, of course.

I think you're getting off lightly if he stays away...

I suppose I thought that if we were living together things might improve, don't ask me how.

You sound as though you know the answer very well, if you're looking for reassurance that you're doing the right thing and not letting your soul mate go because you can't see the wood for the trees, be reassured by the posts, he sounds awful!

He wants it all his own way, there's no consideration or appreciation for, and that for me is the key to a good relationship. Not in a fawning way, but just responding to you would be a start, instead, he forces you to dance to the tune of his moods.

You've said yourself that you've had enough and can't be arsed any more, just because you've been together for five years doesn't mean you may as well stay the distance.

What about tailing it off gently if you don't feel able to make a clean break? (and I don't like the sound of him hounding you either) Maybe say to start with that you don't think it's a good idea for him to move in just at the minute, then you can start to back off gradually by cutting down the time he's round?

Probably irrelevant, but what did you mean when you said 'I hoovered the living room and p said I was 'mad'.' That he didn't think you should be hoovering?

He's not actually that fussed about a partner he just wants a housekeeper (like his mum and dad).

He wants you to step in and make all his troubles disappear (even if they are of his own making) it will then be your fault if good things don't happen. Why on earth would you get involved with a grown man's utilities, when he can't be arsed to sort it out himself? Is it beneath him?

Honestly you are on a hiding to nothing, you met him when you were vulnerable with a very small child, apart from moody company what does he bring to your life?

From the sound of it, you've already made your decision. You're not sure you love him any more, you don't get much pleasure from the relationship, your main worry is being alone.

There are worse things than being alone. And not having a man in your life doesn't even mean that you will be alone, necessarily.

Every day that you stay in a relationship with someone you know isn't right for you, is a day lost in finding the one who is.

Consider also the impact on your DS. Is this what you want him to grow up seeing? Do you want him to think this is how relationships should work? Do you want him one day to moan to a woman that she should do all the housework, because that's what his mum does?

Sorry, I know this is coming on a bit strong from a complete stranger, but it does sound as if you already know what you want to do! All the best.

Exactly zigzag, I'm sure it's a lost cause, but there's that bit of me thinking 'what if'. The silent treatment is the worst to cope with, I can't bear the way he pretends to be ok, then days later throws back in my face that he had to hoover the stairs and how hard done by he was for it. I mean really who falls out with their oh because they hoovered the stairs? I'd rather he just point blank refused to do anything, at least that would be easier to read and I'd know where I stood.

I hoovered the living room Sunday evening I think, he pulled a face amd started saying I had OCD and there was nothing wrong with the floor, said he wanted me to sit down as he wanted as cuddle. I can't stress enough that I am not at all overboard with cleaning, I was literally just doing a 2 minute vac.

Is it less about you doing the housework and more about you doing as you're told? (and thinking how he tells you you should be thinking? You must be this, I must be allowed to be like that etc?)

I suppose I thought that if we were living together things might improve, don't ask me how.

Fair comment.
Don't ask me either as I just can't see it.

To be honest, I'd much rather have TV and books and lose the stress that this bloke brings with him. He sounds like a hopeless user to me if I'm blunt (sorry)
And I don't think he's likely to change either.

For what it's worth, if it were me, I'd be happier without him and given some time, believe I'd meet someone else who's much more worthy.
Sorry you sound a bit lonely, but I'm not someone who believes that any company is better than none.

I feel bad saying that I don't love him. I care about him, I love certain things about him. But I find him childish, and also very cold and uncaring at times when he's like this.

As though he thinks he's the only one in the world who has a bad day or stresses at work, and me and ds don't matter. I hate the way he hasn't even acknowledged certain things such as parents evening, or the fact that we were supposed to be taking ds bowling tomorrow. He won't be thinking about ds, or even that although I will still take ds, I won't be 100% because of all this. It's all just about him and how hard life is for him because he got soaked at work and had to hoover the stairs last Saturday.

Never mind that I am on the verge of being made redundant at work, or that I'd also got soaked that day and had then had to go into parents evening like that.

My ex used to only pay attention to me and "want a cuddle" when I was in the middle of hoovering/dishes/dealing with 3 kids. It was a power play. He'd never help with housework, would moan when asked, then complain if there weren't any clean dishes. There's a reason he's an ex. He was like 3 kids rolled into one and I got sick of having to micromanage his life, finances etc whilst raising 3 kids too. Get rid, this isn't an equal partnership-what are you getting out of all this, besides putting up with strops?

He sounds quite emotionally manipulative. Seems to spend a lot of time randomly sulking so you'll run after him and try and make him happy again. And what a stunt with the gas bill, really!

Possibly a bit zigzag, he's not controlling, not in an obvious way anyway, but there are elements of him being manipulative.

I am a bit lonely enrique, I'm busy, and I never get bored, but I still get lonely, no reason to hang on to a crappy relationship though I know.

And he certainly wouldn't be good for your DC, would he?

He's just responded on the bowling, said he had thought about it but had a vision where I told him not to bother as I was going with my sister and her husband.

I dont' know why he'd have that vision as I never do anything with my sister and husband, ever. The last time we all went anywhere was their wedding a year ago. He said he's feeling sorry for himself.

I'm actually feeling sorry for him, thinking he's not all bad, he's done lots of nice things for us over the years. I could probably even handle him being unhelpful around the house, can't handle moods and silent treatment.

Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I know what I need to do but it won't be easy.

He's just responded on the bowling, said he had thought about it but had a vision where I told him not to bother as I was going with my sister and her husband.

What a fucking knob!

Sorry, that is all I have to say!

Why won't it be easy? What are the things that make it hard?

Does that sound really bad bogeyface? Think I'm a bit of a mug when he says this stuff sometimes.

I mean I did wonder why he would think that. Last Saturday I suggested we go bowling, ds jumped at the idea, p pulled a face and said it was too late (it was 4 o'clock), and it would be packed. He did reluctantly agree but I said we'd go next week instrad and make a night of it and go for something to eat. Ds has literally been counting the days.

I don't think you're being a mug, but I agree he's a knob because he's trying to make it about him again.

It's just one long pity party.