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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is BU, him or me?

61 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 20:19

There's a bit of a back story here.

I've been with my 'd'p 4 coming up to 5 years. He has his own place, I have mine. I have 5 year old ds from previous relationship. Started going out when ds was about 10 months.

P has got form for falling out with me and saying that he's not happy. I used to try to resolve things even when I felt that he was in the wrong. Never worked, infact he seemed to just used this to his advantage that I was 'desperate' to sort it out. Now I just say, fine, noones holding a gun to your head to be with me. Seems to have worked and he doesn't do it so much now.

Biggie is he won't commit, when I say he won't, he says he will and is, but we don't live together, not married, he doesn't want more kids.

To show his 'commitment' he's started staying over 6 nights a week instead of once on the week and at the weekend. Potentially putting me at risk of benefit fraud as I claim working tax credits as top up to my salary. And even though we aren't living together, (he owns his own house, has his own bills), I'm sure it wouldn't look good and I wouldn't even want to be in the situation of having to answer the questions. But, he's supposed to be moving in any time soon and I didn't want to rock the boat, so I've been letting it go.

For a while my house has been a bit of a tip as I haven't been keeping on top of it, I'm the only one who really does anything in the house and I'd sort of given up, over half term I did a big clean and got most of it lovely and clean and tidy. I don't expect a spotless house, but it needed doing. All week I cooked ds and dp lovely from scratch meals and made cakes, at the weekend (last weekend) I asked p to help me to have a quick tidy up Saturday morning, to keep on top of it, he said he'd hoover the stairs which was great, he did this while I did some washing and gave the skirting boards upstairs a quick wipe and we both did ds room, spent about 30 minutes in all tidying before we all went out. Sunday I cooked a roast and asked p to wash up while I bathed ds. And Monday we were both off work so after a day in town he helped me to put some washing away in my room. I hoovered the living room and p said I was 'mad'.

He was supposed to be coming over to stay Wednesday, I get a text at 4.00pm just saying 'not coming tonight'. His reasons he were he was tired and finished work late and his clothes got wet at work (he has clothes here), and this was all said to me in a horrible tone of voice on the phone before he hung up on me. This annoyed me only because if he's moving in soon, will he not come home because he's tired and wet?

I left it at that, but heard nothing from him all night, or all day Thursday. He did text Thursday night saying he's sorry and had a lot on at work and that I don't deserve this.

I've sort of had enough of the moods and the silent treatment, I haven't even bothered trying to ring him to sort it out as he doesn't answer the phone when he's in one of his moods.

Forward to tonight and he's text to say that he's sorry for being funny he just has a lot on his mind. I asked to know what on earth's going on, and his response was. He's unhappy with me being clean and dragging him into it, he's annoyed with me as on Monday we went into town for lunch (I paid for this lunch, although he did buy me a coffee and a top) but I moaned as Nando's sat us on a table with someones leftovers, we left and went to pizza hut and I moaned that they took half an hour to take payment. In my defence I never moan about eating out and I'm never usually fussy so moaning was a one off for me. Same with the cleaning, I almost never ask him to do anything.

Am I being so unreasonable asking a grown man who's practically sharing my home to spend one hour over 3 days helping me to tidy up?

Oh and what really got my back up is ds had parents evening last night, he had a lovely report and when I told p he didn't even acknowledge this. We also promised to take ds bowling tomorrow and he seems to have forgotten or not give a shit about that either.

OP posts:
Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 22:37

I mean he knew full well ds was really looking forward to it, and he knows that I wouldn't ask my sister and husband to go bowling with us.

Will be hard because it will be a big change.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/11/2013 22:43

Does that sound really bad bogeyface?

Sorry but yes.

He knows DS was looking forward to it and he doesnt want to go so came up with some flim flam crap (a vision, really?!) so that he wouldnt have to go.

As Agent said, he has to make it all about him.

Has he sabotaged things with for your DS before?

AgentZigzag · 08/11/2013 22:48

'But what about MEEEEE???

Peekingduck · 08/11/2013 22:50

If he's like this now what do you think he will be like when he moves in and gets a bit complacent? Really struggling to understand why you are so desperate to hang on to him to be honest. It shouldn't matter what he says or does, you should make this decision for yourself and your child.

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 22:52

Oh yes, 'let down' is his middle name. Guess he is just taking the piss really, so that when he decides he's out of his mood he can blame me that he missed the bowling.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2013 22:57

I feel angry with him for your DS. It sounds as though he has no concept of himself as adult, DS as a child, or what that means. How dare he put his desire to wallow in self-pity in front of a promise to your DS!

A 'vision'. my arse. He thought 'what could possibly happen to get me out of this so it wouldn't be my fault... oh I know, if she'd conveniently arranged for someone else to go along too so I wasn't needed, who, umm... ok, well that's a thing that could happen in a parallel universe, so I'll just lounge around here and pretend I thought that might have happened. Why would that happen? I don't know? But it's possible, so I can pretend to imagine it's real in my fantasy-opt-out-of life-for free-somoene-else-will-always-pick-up-the pieces-and-make-excuses-for-me-or-give-me-the-benefit-of-the-doubt-however-implausaible-and-pathetic-I-sound life.'

Dollslikeyouandme · 08/11/2013 23:04

Lottiegarbanzo do you know what, thank you so much for that post. Especially the first bit. My brain gets a bit fuzzy with all this sometimes and that sentence about him having no concept of himself as an adult and ds as a child, just summed up something that I haven't been able to put into words. Selfish, infuriating, but what you've said is exactly how he is.

And the second part of your post just summed up how I feel p behaves in general about a lot of things.

You knows when someone says something and it hits home so much?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2013 23:24

Yes, that's why I'd never be brave enough to start a thread on AIBU or relationships! Glad you were and if that was some use. I hope you and your DS have a really great time whatever you decide to do tomorrow.

TapirbackFucker · 08/11/2013 23:47

You need to decide what it is you want from a partner, and then figure out if this man is providing it. I would say that it's a fair bet that you want to be in a stable relationship with a man who is actually a grown up, not a wanna-be cocklodger with attitude.

You know that you deserve more than this, and so does your ds.

SeaSickSal · 09/11/2013 00:09

Why do you think you will never have another relationship again? You actually sound nice and considerate and like you really look after him. He's just using you for housekeeping and occasional sex.

I think that growing up seeing you being treated like this will have a much worse impact on your DS than you getting a new boyfriend.

It sounds like he's chipped away at your confidence so much that you can't envision yourself in another relationship.

Dump him, get rid. Don't be lonely, rebuild your confidence and find a new boyfriend who will treat you nicely and be kind to your son. But don't put up with this shit, he's not worth it.

Bogeyface · 09/11/2013 00:18

Look at it this way, your DS will grow up.

This "man" never will. Do your future DIL a favour and get rid this terrible example of "manhood" out of your childs life.

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