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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to go see dd teacher tomorrow?

77 replies

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 17:17

Dd is 7 and in yr3.

She's a really friendly, outgoing child who rarely makes a fuss unnecessarily.

She tells me that today her class teacher wouldn't let her go to the toilet because she (the teacher) was about to start story time.

So dd held on until home time by which time she was very uncomfortable and had a nasty tummy ache.

I'm not thrilled with this teacher, she is very very immature and uninvolved with the children in her class. Lots of examples in this first half term
I haven't discussed how I feel about her with dd, although dd has mentioned several instances where I feel this teacher was unfair, when I have tried to steer dd into thinking more positively about this teacher.
She seems to be unpopular across the board with all the kids, not just dd.

I would like to go in and speak to her about today, dd doesn't want me to get involved just yet because she is scared her teacher will get upset with her, and feels she can cope with the situation right now.

So wibu to go in tomorrow anyway?

OP posts:

Sparklymommy · 06/11/2013 17:20

As a sufferer of kidney problems I would probably make a point of going to see the teacher and asking her what the toilet rules are in her classroom. Making a child hang on til the end of school could be detrimental to their health. And a child in need of the toilet will not be concentrating!

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:21

YABU really

By the time the kids get into juniors, the teachers need to discourage them from going to the toilet during class time.

It's a tough one but unless there's a medical problem, kids have to get used to it eventually.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:22

When was story time?

I mean how far from home time was it?

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 17:26

Worra, so you really think that a child who needs to poop should wait til the end of the school dat to avoid disrupting a class? No medical problems?
It's a genuine question, because I'm not sure as an adult that I would be able to control myself for that long. Dd could and has held on when she's needed to wee, having to poop on the other hand not so much!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 17:27

It was about 30-40mins

OP posts:

monicalewinski · 06/11/2013 17:34

If you feel really strongly then speak to the teacher obviously, but I would be inclined to use the situation to point out to your daughter that she needs to make sure she goes to the toilet during lunch time (for a 'try', even if she isn't necessarily desperate for a poo at the time). At 7 she is of an age where she shouldn't need to leave lessons to go to the toilet.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:35

So about half an hour-ish?

I'm not saying it's easy, but by the time they get to juniors the teachers need to not be disrupted by 25-30 children all needing to leave the class at various times to use the loo.

Do you remember being at school? Didn't you have to eventually learn to hold it in?

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:37

And when you say 'wait til the end of the school day to avoid disrupting the class'...

Teachers try to make a judgement call as a rule. They tend to first look at the child to see if they're in any great distress...and then look at the clock to see how near to a break/home time they are.

Fleta · 06/11/2013 17:39

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but I would have a quiet word I think.

I can understand teachers not wanting every child to go to the loo, but in the case of genuine need (and teachers can usually tell IMO!) I think its unfair to not let her go.

KerwhizzedMyself · 06/11/2013 17:40

Needing the toilet at school is so confusing. Sometimes when you gotta go, you GOTTA GO so its rubbish that children aren't allowed the same freedom. Obviously I know it's because some children would abuse being able to go whenever they want but its a bit cruel on those that wouldn't. There must be some other way rather than a blanket ban on using the toilet outside of strict times. I don't need the toilet at the same time everyday.

Scholes34 · 06/11/2013 17:40

Worra's right. Thirty to 40 minutes shouldn't be difficult for a 7 year old. You could equally find yourself out somewhere with no public toilet available for a similar period of time. You only really encounter a need to go immediately with a toddler newly out of nappies or you're not well.

If your DD is feeling negative towards this teacher, I'm guessing the situation wasn't as bad as she's implying, so you're right to make try to make her feel more positive about the teacher. Wait until something more important occurs before speaking to the teacher. You can't do anything about this matter now that it's passed anyway.

thecatfromjapan · 06/11/2013 17:40

Stomach aches from not being able to go to the loo aren't healthy. I'd see the teacher and I'd talk to my dd about going to the loo in breaks.

Not all children can hold their urine like little camels. Most can - but not all. Depends on all sorts of things.

ohnoppp · 06/11/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 06/11/2013 17:44

Teachers know when kids really really need to go.

And if they let every child go whenever that child felt like a walk, then they would never get anything done.

longjane · 06/11/2013 17:44

Did she go before she left school?
I was forever sending my kids into to wee before walking home.

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 17:48

??????

A child could suddenly be taken ill, the runs or anything. Not being allowed to go to the toilet is cruel, they could have an accident, which could be humiliating.

Abusing the system usually happens when children decide they want to follow their friends in. So yes a judgement call must be made. However waiting 2 minutes is different to waiting half an hour. I'm not sure I, as an adult, would want to hold on that long , if I was desperate.

Mylovelyboy · 06/11/2013 17:51

I dont like all this 'not allowed to go to the loo until break time rubbish.
If the child needs the loo then he/she should be allowed to go. Think its wrong.

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 17:54

The only reason I found out about it was because dd was late coming out at pick up time, so she didn't make it into a big deal, and I don't want to make it into a big deal.

I completely understand how disruptive it would be to have children going to the toilet all the time during teaching time, and of course there are those who would abuse a system of going all the time. Dd does generally use break time to go, this was 'unusual' of her to want to go, and my concern was of her being uncomfortable.

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WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:54

A child could suddenly be taken ill, the runs or anything. Not being allowed to go to the toilet is cruel, they could have an accident, which could be humiliating.

As I said, most teachers can gauge whether a child is showing any kind of real discomfort or distress.

Am I the only one on this thread would couldn't saunter in and out of lessons to the loo when I felt like it?

Really? What about senior school?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 06/11/2013 17:57

I was just going to ask, but Worra kind of pre-empted me.....where does it stop then? When do you stop letting them go when they feel like it?

KerwhizzedMyself · 06/11/2013 18:01

I couldn't saunter in and out of lessons at primary school. And teachers do get it wrong. My friend wet herself in year 5 in front of everyone because she wasn't allowed to go because it was almost the end of the school day. After seeing how upset and embarrassed she was for the sake of being allowed to nip to the loo, I think strict toilet breaks can be cruel.

At senior school, we were told breaks only officially but our school was quite relaxed about it as it was a smaller school (80 pupils in each year) so we were allowed to go during lessons if we needed to.

Lilacroses · 06/11/2013 18:02

This is a tricky one. Sometimes when I'm teaching I will be just about to tell the children what we're going to be doing and several will ask to go to the toilet. Sometimes if one child asks then several others all suddenly need to go. I usually say "yes of course" but sometimes I'll say "do you think you could wait a few minutes while I talk about this?". They mostly say they can wait and then they go straight afterwards. I've never actually had a child wet themselves as a result of this! Frequently they forget they needed to go in the first place!

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 18:05

Mylovelyboy would you still think it's wrong if it started affecting your child's learning?

Kids up and down and in and out all the time...and the teacher having to constantly repeat and explain what the children missed, during their time out of class?

MinimalistMommi · 06/11/2013 18:09

YANBU
This happened in to my dD lower down at school and caused problems for about two year- anxiety about not being allowed to go to the toilet. I ended up having to go and talk to the head about it and Dd was allowed to go whenever she needed.

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 18:10

Lilacroses, would you be able to tell if it was unusual for a child to ask to go to the toilet in the middle of the day?
Dd bladder control is impressive and puts mine to shame! But this was a little different.
She wasn't unwell, but just needed to go. Whilst her bladder control is great she's the sort of child who when she does need to go poop, she needs to go. It's almost unheard of for her to need to go during the day.
Which is why I feel that had the teacher known her a little better would have been a little more sensitive to her need to go to the toilet.

Of course control is important and a class cannot have children traipsing in and out all the time, but I would have like to think that the teacher knew the children enough to asses, real need vs holding on for a bit.

I would not have gone in guns blazing, but maybe need to let this one go!

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