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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to go see dd teacher tomorrow?

77 replies

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 17:17

Dd is 7 and in yr3.

She's a really friendly, outgoing child who rarely makes a fuss unnecessarily.

She tells me that today her class teacher wouldn't let her go to the toilet because she (the teacher) was about to start story time.

So dd held on until home time by which time she was very uncomfortable and had a nasty tummy ache.

I'm not thrilled with this teacher, she is very very immature and uninvolved with the children in her class. Lots of examples in this first half term
I haven't discussed how I feel about her with dd, although dd has mentioned several instances where I feel this teacher was unfair, when I have tried to steer dd into thinking more positively about this teacher.
She seems to be unpopular across the board with all the kids, not just dd.

I would like to go in and speak to her about today, dd doesn't want me to get involved just yet because she is scared her teacher will get upset with her, and feels she can cope with the situation right now.

So wibu to go in tomorrow anyway?

OP posts:

MinimalistMommi · 06/11/2013 18:10

Wanted to add and that dd almost wet herself on the carpet in yr 2...it was very traumatic for her and I HATED the teacher for not allowing her to go.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 18:13

Of course control is important and a class cannot have children traipsing in and out all the time, but I would have like to think that the teacher knew the children enough to asses, real need vs holding on for a bit.

Perhaps your child simply asked, was told to hang on and so went and sat down again?

To be honest, if she has impressive bladder control and it's almost unheard of her to need a poo during the day, I wouldn't bother speaking to the teacher.

What would be the point?

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 18:13

Worra, even if it's the exception with dd not the rule? And yes there are 25 other children in the class, but this wasn't usual behavior from dd.

That is where my concern is. Of course if she was the sort of child who did this all the time i could almost understand the teachers point of view. But it isn't normal behavior for dd to need to go during class time.

OP posts:

clam · 06/11/2013 18:16

30-40 minutes of story time? Unlikely, I would think.

The rule in my classroom is that they should go at break times wherever possible, but may go without asking during independent working time, as long as there are no queues forming (loos in the classroom behind a screened wall) or silly behaviour, in which case the 'privilege' is revoked (and they must ask). I generally do not let them go during specific teaching/instruction time, but they do know that if it's an emergency they can. And you can tell by their faces if it is!

Why did your dd not go to the loo once story time was over? If the stomach ache was related to a need for the loo, then presumably she still wanted to go at the end of school?

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 18:18

Worra - trouble is teachers do not always know if a child is in real discomfort or stress as posters on this thread have illustrated.

btw I have instructed my DC to say they are desperate, have tummy ache (if they are or have) if a teacher asks them to wait and they can't. Often a timid child might not think to do this.

Alexandrite · 06/11/2013 18:20

What has made you think the teacher is very very immature and how do you know storytime was 30 - 40 mins long?

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 18:22

Clam, dd did go as soon as the class was let out.

She tells me that once story time was over they had to tidy up and get some letters to bring home.
From the time tabling I've assumed it was about 30-40mins.

She probably asked and was told to just wait til the end of story time, and knowing dd didn't want to make a fuss so waited but had a tummy ache during and straight after story time.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 18:24

And as for the teacher being unpopular, year 3 teachers often are because they are the ones that have to get stricter with the kids, now they're on in the Infant school any more.

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 18:26

Alexandrite, lots of small incidences during this half term. But want to avoid specifics and out myself!
We had an amazing yr2 teacher and there is a marked difference with how this teacher handles various classroom issues.
I genuinely don't want to make this into a big deal, but really feel that each child is different and by now the teacher should know the children well enough to be able to tell an unusual situation to children just taking advantage

OP posts:

Fleta · 06/11/2013 18:27

There is a big difference between 7 and being at senior school IMO.

My DD is 7 and in Year 2 and they're reminded to go to the loo at break time, but certainly are allowed to go to the loo if they need it during class.

Original poster

Spiceroots · 06/11/2013 18:28

I think that this particular teacher is great at covering the academic side of things. However I also think she might be better suited to teaching slightly older children. But that's a whole other thread!

OP posts:

KerwhizzedMyself · 06/11/2013 18:29

I have a question that seems relevant. Are teachers allowed to physically stop a child going to the toilet? If a child was so desperate they ignored the teacher and went to leave the classroom, could the teacher physically hold them back or something? I'm not sure on the rules of physical contact.

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 18:30

Worra - I don't know why there has to be so much distinction between infants and juniors. We did not have this. The change happened gradually, in line with maturity. Children should not have to feel they have to make an extra effort to grow up and mature in line with the beginning of academic year, they do continually.

Millenniumbug1 · 06/11/2013 18:32

Isn't being able to go to the lavatory a basic human right? Asking DD if she can possibly wait so as not to disturb the story is 1 thing, but denying the right to use the lavatory is completely different & IMHO, not on.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 18:32

Goodness me, she had to cross her legs for half an hour the same as the other 24 children in the class.

That's not a large distinction in anyone's books.

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 18:37

It is a large distinction, in my books. Being allowed to go to the toilet at will to having to wait 30 minutes. I was a quiet child, would not have challenged the teacher and did wet myself once in assembly when my mother had come to watch!

Moonstorm · 06/11/2013 18:37

The teacher could be under an awful lot of pressure not to allow children to go to the toilet during lesson time. I mean to the point of having to explain why she let them go to SLT if they became aware she had let a child go.

Not saying this is the case, though...

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 18:38

^Puddle on the floor job. Not nice for anyone.

manicinsomniac · 06/11/2013 18:40

It is so difficult with kids and toilets because you really don't want to be the teacher that causes a child to have an accident but you also can't have kids nipping to the loo constantly during your lesson.

I teach Y3-8. Maybe it's because our Y3s are the youngest so don't seem like juniors really but I always let them go straightaway no matter what we're doing. The Y4s and 5s I ask to wait until we aren't in teaching time (I do ask not tell though, if they say no then they can go). Y6 and up I usually say no if it is fewer than 20 minutes to the end of the lesson. But again, if they seemed upset, uncomfortable or asked more than once I would let them go.

kerwhizzed it's not only children that have to follow the rules though. There's no 'when you've gotta go you've gotta go' for the teachers either - can't just nip out for the loo and leave a class of unsupervised can we! I would also have thought there are many work situations where adults can't have free access to loos - surgery, important meetings, ward rounds etc.

It's interesting that most people think YABU though. I was on a thread a while ago where a Y4 or 5 had wet herself during a netball match because she was told that going back into school for the loo wasn't an option and everybody was outraged. I felt like a villain for saying that our children aren't allowed in off the games fields once a session has started. Most people thought that older children and even adults had limited bladder control and should always have access to a loo.

teacherandguideleader · 06/11/2013 18:50

Very often, teachers not letting children out for the toilet isn't their decision, but part of a school policy. Our policy is that children are not allowed to use the toilet during lesson times. Staff can't just disappear off to use the toilet and neither can students.

That said, I have broken the policy on several occasions - I feel confident in breaking that rule, but I wouldn't have felt so happy as a new teacher constantly worried to do the wrong thing.

Being a secondary school, there is a bit of an assumption that if a child was told no and knew they were about to have an accident they would just walk out of class - the 15 minute detention for walking out is the lesser of two evils!

sublimelime · 06/11/2013 18:56

At secondary it was left to teacher's discretion. You had to ask, generally you only did if you felt ill, or started your period unexpectedly because interrupting the lesson and asking to go the toilet felt a bit embarrassing at that age. Our teachers used to just say yes and told us to go to 'sick bay' if we were ill.

KerwhizzedMyself · 06/11/2013 18:56

manic, a teacher is an adult and will have had many many more years of being institutionalised into only weeing or pooing at breaks. A child will have been doing it for a couple of years so might not be able to cope with holding it in.

teacherandguideleader · 06/11/2013 19:04

kerwhizzed - I'm not sure they can restrain the child. I certainly wouldn't. There are very strict rules on physical contact and I believe it can only be used if there were safety issues. I remember one girl saying to her teacher 'I'll take the 15 minutes I'll get for walking out, I'm not wetting myself'.

Isthatwhatdemonsdo · 06/11/2013 19:06

I'm a TA in a year 3 class. We encourage children to use the loo at break and lunchtime, but if a child asks to go during lesson time then I let them.

Spikeytree · 06/11/2013 19:07

Secondary here and we have a toilet attendant who notes down the name and teacher of every student who uses the loo in lesson time. That teacher then has to explain to the Deputy Head why that student was allowed out to the toilet.

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