and 'failing to accommodate step childrens needs'?

[FigRolls]

Dh has 7 year old twins whom he has just re-established contact with. We have a just turned 6 and one year old. He hasn't had contact for 18 months due to his ex moving and being obstructive but he also hadn't done enough to reinstate it in my opinion. In the past year we've had several weekends away and two week long holidays. Now he's seeing his kids again he wants dd to miss school for holidays so he can see his kids at weekends/in holidays. He also expects that the three of us will travel to his childrens home town which is an hour away for contact. However, he returns them at 6 pm meaning our children are likely to fall asleep on the return journey. I'm all for him having contact but feel his expectations are unfair on our children. Aibu?

Oh fgs is their mum who doesn't want the twins falimng asleep, or you or their dad?

It doesn't bloody matter if they fall asleep they are not babies!

With regards to holidays your dh is being a twat.

So they get a nap in the car.

Does he only see them onn a Saturday? Or is the whole weekend?

Regardless your dh doesn't seem like a prize.

Surely a bit of an early afternoon nap is a good thing is they're so tired that they have to go to bed at 6, immediately on arrival home?

How can an hour drive be 5 minutes around the corner? Or have I read that wrong about the gp's?

Ihear - the gps are an hour away from Figroll's house but only 5 minutes away from the dts home. So it takes an hour to get to gps for lunch but then only 5 minutes home from there.

I seemed to think the op moved and so was confused when the first children are right next to his parents but he is an hour away and Figroll said the ex moved.
This might just be my horror at the thought of living around the corner from DH's parents if we split though!

What kind of holiday do you usually take? Can't you swap it for something cheaper and take everyone. Do the twins be a holiday with their mum usually.

Needaholiday: the kids wouldn't be traipsing around anywhere, they'd be having their contact time with their father. That is actually important.

Indeed it seems that their mother seems to think that them being warm at home playing with their father (and siblings) all afternoon is somehow unacceptable because they might fall asleep in the car on the way home between 5 and 6. That's both madness and shows an incredibly desire to control the other parents' actions.

The thing about parenting, whether you're doing it together or not, is that you won't always do things the same ways. It's important that we all remember that our own way is not necessarily The Right Way.

The problem seems to be that it turns in to a whole Sunday out because the twins' mother seems to think that something awful will happen if they're driven back between 5 and 6, which is presumably what everyone would want to happen anyway.

Fair enough, sometimes you might want to combine the trip with a visit to the grandparents (and then you'd want all the children to go). But lazy Sundays at home are generally a good thing.

It seems to be a big old mess of people making decisions that impact on everyone else.

The 7 year old twins' mother seems to have decreed that they must not be driven after 1.30pm on a Sunday, lest they fall asleep in the car. But drop off is at 6pm (at which point the children are put straight to bed because they're too tired from the weekend, which surely indicates that a nap would be useful ).

So the OP's partner insists that the whole family make a trip to visit his parents (who live round the corner from the twins' mother). They spend the afternoon there, drop the twins off for bed at 6 and then drive their children home.

The OP doesn't like this enforced family day out because she doesn't want her children to spend 2 hours being driven around to drop off their siblings. She's also worried that her one year old will fall asleep in the car between 6 and 7 and then won't go to sleep until stupid o'clock. This seems a much more legitimate fear than worrying about what might happen if 7 year olds have a bit of a nap in the afternoon.

The sensible thing would be for the twins' parents to stop being ninnies and for the OP's partner to leave his house around about 5 to drop them at their mother's house, while the rest of the family stay at home. Sometimes they might want to combine it all in a visit to the grandparents, but that would be up to them and not some bizarre requirement enforced by the twins' mother.

Your 6 year old can't miss school for holidays for this reason - this won't be allowed I wouldn't have thought. And it's clearly not a good idea.

There are bound to be sensible ways round this - as others have said you could have a holiday together with the twins. Presumably it's only in the summer holiday that you would be away for a long period?

Going to their hometown is probably fine if that is what works to start with. Don't think the falling asleep in the car should be a dealbreaker - you could put them into pyjamas first as others have suggested. It would also be nice if dh did have his other children to stay over sometimes, avoiding this problem. I think you all have to be open minded and try to find something that works for everyone in the longer term.

As others have said, you needn't all go for all of the visits - they might like some time alone with their dad.

Oh yes, and there is also holiday nonsense on top of it all. It seems that the OP's husband seems to be unwilling or unable to negotiate something sensible with his ex. So he thinks that his children should miss school for family holidays to ensure that all the school holidays are free in case he might be seeing his other children.

OP: I don't know how you manage not to throttle him. You should definitely just arrange your own holidays with your two and tell him he's not invited.

Let them fall asleep in the car then. It doesnt suit your whole family and your DH needs to think about the needs of all his DCs.

HAve you pointed out the fines for taking DD out of school in term time could be £60 a day - that's an extra £600 added on a 2 week holiday, plus she misses out on school. I'd make him an offer, if he can go into the school and convince the head to let your DD to have 2 weeks off authorised with this sorry tale, you'll take her out.

I get it now! Thanks Arbitrary. So, the totally nutty bit is this "7 year olds falling asleep in the car tragedy" So what!!?? Tell the mother they didn't fall asleep in the car. She doesn't get to dictate all this.

OP, the math looks dodgy. Your DH started his relationship with you when his ex was pregnant with twins or soon after. Is she being a bit difficult cos of this do you think?

You really need to stick up for your own DC in this and ensure they aren't inconvenienced.

I'd be really let down if my husband would even consider a sneaky plan to not take all of his children along on a vacation.

I don't think its £60 per day but £60 per parent per day, so actually £120 per day!

Whole situation sounds mad, sorry Op.

I agree he should consider your kids needs - sleeping toddler in car would mean I'd be up till 11pm too. Then grumpy the next day.

Also he should see them in his own too so that he can establish a firm bond.

Maybe you could go alternate visits?