and 'failing to accommodate step childrens needs'?

[FigRolls]

Dh has 7 year old twins whom he has just re-established contact with. We have a just turned 6 and one year old. He hasn't had contact for 18 months due to his ex moving and being obstructive but he also hadn't done enough to reinstate it in my opinion. In the past year we've had several weekends away and two week long holidays. Now he's seeing his kids again he wants dd to miss school for holidays so he can see his kids at weekends/in holidays. He also expects that the three of us will travel to his childrens home town which is an hour away for contact. However, he returns them at 6 pm meaning our children are likely to fall asleep on the return journey. I'm all for him having contact but feel his expectations are unfair on our children. Aibu?

Oh dear, your husband sounds abhorrent.

I have a dsd age 6 and a ds 5 months sometimes we do pickups and drop offs together as a family sometimes we don't if baby needs a sleep is having dinner or being a grump dsd loves her brother to go with her and her dad to take her home but understands sometimes it won't happen!
I also think when dp takes dsd home and it's just the two of them it gives them a bit of time on their own for her to just chat to her dad without me there or baby screaming .
Dsd and her dad often do things just the two of them cinema, visiting grandparents or park sometimes they take ds with them.
We haven't been on a sunny holiday since dsd started primary school as we can't afford to go away during holiday time but are saving hard to do it nxt year the four of us!
Instead we do weekends away or big days out.
We do what works for our family which is mostly going with the flow and deciding as a family unit what we spend our time together doing! Dsd said last night- what are we doing on sat? Me- nothing planned yet why? Dsd- can we not plan anything and I'll just play with my friends across the road please?
So that's the plan for sat dsd and her friends playing in and out of each other's houses poking the baby and annoying the dog

It sounds like a lot of excuses are being thrown around to not see twins but not appear like a selfish parent and voluntarily absent parent.
Poor twins.

Madwomanintheattic is indeed sane... Wise words

I have a suspicion your DH is deliberately creating obstacles to seeing those children. I think they would like to see him on their own but it would be very abnormal to not join together at all

It is loopy to expect your DCs to travel in the car to take their half-siblings home.

Why don't you invite the GPs over to your house for lunch instead? When they leave and your DH leaves to take your DSTs home you will get two hours of peace at the end of the weekend to get sorted.0

Poor twins never spending any time on their own with their dad. That is really unfair on them.

Agree, it's all very strange & he does seem to be creating obstacles.

Yanbu, HE is though. They are HIS children, who he is supposedly trying to build a relationship with, he should be the one doing the running.

Also sounds like your relationship (pregnancy) with him came soon after, which would honestly worry me... in that he might do the same again... but we don't know the full story obviously.

Surely as he hasn't seen his twins for 18mths then he needs to build a relationship with them and without you. He souldn't be thinking about you all going on holiday together in term or school holidays until he has established a close bond with them and they have incorporated in to the family unit.

It costs the same to rent a caravan/cottage in the UK with 2 young kids as with 4, just take a couple of folding beds (less than £15 in argos/tesco/etc) and go in the school holidays like everyone else has to! He is being a bit rubbish IMO, also there is no reason for you to br driving toddlers and young kids about late on a school night, he could easily pick up the step kids and bring them back, then return them on his own (unless he doesn't drive, in which case maybe he could sit in with the toddler while you drive the step kids back?). My ex and I have travelled across country regularly to see kids as sadly we have both had to move for work so are further apart than would be ideal, I think it's a bit pathetic when parents refuse to put themselves out at all or be flexible when it comes to contact which should obviously be everyone's first priority.

I'm trying to, but I really really can't understand the whole holiday thing. If you can't afford for the twins to go with you, you should not consider going there at all. They are his family too and I think it's horribly unfair they don't get to come along because he "can't afford it". If you can't afford it, that means you can't afford it for everyone. I'm pretty disgusted by the whole "hide behind the ex not letting them out of school rather than own up to the fact that I'm being a shit parent" attitude.

It does sound like he's doing everything possible to avoid being alone with his own children.
From a practical point of view, ignoring the fact his request is unreasonable, what type of car do you have because most don't accommodate 4 children and 2 adults?

This is a very difficult situation. His ex is as responsible for it as you two. The holiday thing is out of order. Your dd should not miss school to go away ,I assume the twins have a holiday with their Mum. I bet his sons would appreciate some Dad time with just him too. They would be able to different things if there wasn't a toddler in the equation. I would suggest alternating and your dh needs to stop taking out his guilty concscience on the rest of you.

You and your DH are both BU towards these children.

It may well cause problems for you and your children, but that's what happens when you get pregnant to a man who has baby twins and then move an hour away from them unfortunately. Suck it up.

I feel for all the children involved.

FWIW I do understand your reluctance to have your kids fall asleep in the car.

DD1 (age 4) is an ace sleeper once she gets to sleep but getting her to sleep is a challenge as she just doesn't seem to need that much, and has endless energy even after the most exhausting of days. A 45 minute nap in the day can have a massive impact on when she finally gives in at night - the record to date is 12.45am after a 20 minute nap around 2.00 so I do everything possible to stop her going to sleep in the day. She's got power napping down to a fine art!! She also doesn't, and never has, transferred from the car seat to her bed without waking up. When we do have to do long journeys, I accept that part of it will be having her up until all hours if she falls asleep in the car (and I try to avoid this if I can - lots of loud music!). I don't alter my plans for it particularly but it is something I take into account. I'd not be happy if I was doing it every week - there has to be another way to get the twins home.

Also the holiday thing. Saying 'If they can't go then none of you go because you can't afford it - it's all or none' is a bit OTT - depending on what goes on with their mum.

She takes them away, but you can't afford to go if you include them - your kids get no holidays but they still get one. Which isn't fair either. You have to look a little bit at the wider context.

Sibling relationships are important, but so is a relationship with their Dad which needs to happen without other kids around sometimes. Being all together sometimes, great. Being all together all the time with no chance to get their Dad on his own, not so much. He needs to do more and not blame you for not helping enough.

Yanbu

So sad it's seen as HIS kids. They are part if the finality and YOUR kids siblings. It's great for all of you to be a family unit as much as possible so lesser expectations as far as family hols goes and some time with just him to bond with (as I do with own dad) and the rest of time with as little distinction between the children as possible.

I've gone from being an only child to one of 5 and feel as much a part of the family as the rest despite not being in my my step families lives in the same way. I feel important and lived and not singled out. My step family want me around, want to do things to make me part of the family and don't see me as a chore or and inconvenience...or at least they are all bloody good actors if they do!

On the other hand, I do not believe in removing children for school for family holidays no matter whose they are.

YANBU.

I dont disagree with northern when she said that you can expect some upheaval.

But the kind of upheaval your husband is expecting seems unreasonable, as though he is making it more difficult than it should be.

Its most definitely unreasonable to expect your DD to miss school.

I don't see why you all have to go for every visit. Surely he needs to build a bond back up with his older children and spending time alone with them would be an big part of this. I understand that your children are siblings and they need to build a relationship but would the whole family going up every other visit not be a better solution for all of you?

We have a 7 seater car so can all fit. Separating to take our kids home while he takes dts home isn't as option as we only have one car. Their mum won't have them driven back to their town (she moved btw, not us) after 1.30 in case they fall asleep so it means the children spending most of the day apart if mine don't go too which is why he wants them to but dd has school the following day and homework to do etc so getting back at gone 7 when she's potentially napped is impractical. Getting her into pjs wouldn't work as she's usually in bed at 8.30 so travelling between 6-7 would be prime nap time and younger dd never transfers from car to bed.

Regarding holidays, the twins have a week abroad with their grandparents plus a week abroad and week in UK with mum - it does feel unfair that they still get three holidays and my children get none. I accept your point about cottages and caravans not costing more with more kids - that isn't the problem, their mum is unlikely to confirm dates til a few weeks before so booking in advance which makes it cheaper is difficult.

Oh and I agree that he needs to spend time alone with them to rebuild their relationship completely.

So will the twins be missing school to go on holidays, too, or are their term dates different to those of your dc? Surely their mother wouldn't want them taking term-time holidays either?
I do agree that your dh seems to be creating deliberate obstacles to this contact - in fact, it strikes me that he is strategically engineering a scenario with maximum disruption to you, fully expecting you to put up a fuss and stymie these plans.
Then, when the inevitable happens and the plans are abandoned, he is off the hook. Worse, he can always turn around in the future and blame you for 'preventing him from seeing his children.'
Of course, I may be wrong - this is merely based on the info you've given here.

Worrying about seven year olds falling asleep in a car after 1:30pm is just plain odd IMO.

God, what an awkward pair they both sound.

No they have their holidays in school holidays. The twins are up at 6 and don't have any outdoor time with mum so are absolutely worn out after a sat with us. They go home in their pjs and straight to bed at 6.

YADNBU
I'm a step Mum to three, now adult, step kids. My DH travelled 1.5 hours each way on Friday and Sunday nights every other week for YEARS. No way did he expect me and in later years our two kids to accompany him. He needs to accept that they are HIS kids, his responsibility and NOT YOURS. In my opinion, HE should be meeting his twins needs, he should not expect you to put yourself and your kids out to do so on a regular basis. Occasionally - fine.
They are not your responsibility and you and your kids will see the twins enough without having to sit in the car with them for an extra hour. Trust me, your two will VERY soon get hacked off with two hours in a car each end of the weekend. My two moan like shit now when we have to do the three hour round trip to the area that their half bro and sisters live in.

When do the twins get some time ALONE with their Dad then? that's important too.

As for your DD mising school., Just NOOOOO!

You can go on holiday together. nobody has to miss school - there's plenty of holiday time. Go somewhere CHEAPER!!

Good luck - you have some hard years ahead.