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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and 'failing to accommodate step childrens needs'?

97 replies

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 23:37

Dh has 7 year old twins whom he has just re-established contact with. We have a just turned 6 and one year old. He hasn't had contact for 18 months due to his ex moving and being obstructive but he also hadn't done enough to reinstate it in my opinion. In the past year we've had several weekends away and two week long holidays. Now he's seeing his kids again he wants dd to miss school for holidays so he can see his kids at weekends/in holidays. He also expects that the three of us will travel to his childrens home town which is an hour away for contact. However, he returns them at 6 pm meaning our children are likely to fall asleep on the return journey. I'm all for him having contact but feel his expectations are unfair on our children. Aibu?

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 06/11/2013 09:20

Well, the mum doesn't get to dictate either. She can't specify on your DH's contact time when he may drive them, especially if she moved away.

I don't understand why your children will have no holidays now? If you've managed 2 before I can see why it might be cut down to one now you have the additional expense of the twins, but not none?

Your kids get to live with their father, I expect the twins will think that's worth more than holidays as they grow up.

friday16 · 06/11/2013 09:21

"Worrying about seven year olds falling asleep in a car after 1:30pm is just plain controlling odd IMO."

Fixed that for you.

Ursula8 · 06/11/2013 09:30

I can't get my head round this at all. Do you mean that every weekend you are expected to bundle your kids up, drive to a town an hour away, and spend all day there, doing whatever/wherever/allkindsofweather and then all drop his kids back and then all drive back to yours?

Why?

I have half siblings myself and I adore them so can see the benefit in them all slowly getting to know one another but this seems potty.

I am quite sure his twins will want to spend time alone with their dad, and also why can't they be brought back to your house?

As all the DC get older they will have clubs/sports/stuff they want to do at weekends anyway that will mean this plan will not work.

It sounds to me like DH wants you to be doing the childcare and doesn't want to be alone with his own kids.

If it were me, and I have been a stepmother, I would state that I am happy to have involvement with his DC over time, and fully supported him having his own contact, but that I wouldn't be railroaded like this.

willyoulistentome · 06/11/2013 09:45

Ursula8 - completely agree.

There are so many different reasons for these situations. He left her for an OW. She left him for an OM. She kicked him out. He couldn;t cope with family life and wanted to live alone. He moved away - she moved away. etc etc. People come from all kinds of points of view here. 'Blame' so often clouds what should be an arrangement in the best interest of children.

At the end of the day though the 'step' kids are their parents responsibilities and nobody elses.

Step Mums need to be kind, understanding and supportive, and foster their own kids relationship with their siblings. But she is not the twins Mum and should not be expected to behave as such.

Also agree that it sounds as if the twins Mum is being deliberately awkward about the twins being driven after 1:30. My eight year old was wide awake on an eight hour journey arriving home at 8pm last week.

shellbot · 06/11/2013 09:59

I may had read this differently but does he want to go on holiday in term time so he doesn't have to take his twins as their mother wouldn't allow him to take them out of school. That way he can blame her and she's then the bad guy in his twins eyes?

I only ask because my ex does similar sort of things ie not taking them on holiday because apparently 'Mummy would miss them too much' although took them with his current girlfriend who had kids of her own but then the next girlfriend didn't have kids so he just goes with her.

womblesofwestminster · 06/11/2013 10:31

GOod luck in five years' time when he's binned you and your DC for a new woman, had some more kids with her and is busy coming up with more plans that involve all three mothers jumping through hoops...

How do you know it was him that ended the original relationship??

Ursula8 · 06/11/2013 10:39

I have read this again and wonder if I have misunderstood. OP do you mean that the twins will be spending weekends with you but that your DH is insisting that he doesn't do the drive each way on his own?

Does he have a valid driving licence?

Why does he want you all to be in the car with him when he does the drive? I just don't get it. Am I being thick?

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 06/11/2013 11:42

I don't understand why, if the twins already have holidays, they need to come with you on yours or nobody goes and why your DH's ex dictates where the contact time is spent (to the detriment of you and your children every week) .....

CocktailQueen · 06/11/2013 11:54

Don't let your dc miss school!! That's a really bad idea.

And also, why do you all have to go every time?? Your dh should want time on his own with his own dc. If I was his ex I'd be furious if you and his new dc came along every time too. They haven't seen their dad for 18 months so they will be desperate to see him and spend time with him.

How long does he have them? A day or the weekend? if the weekend, collect Fri eve (he can go by himself), back to yours for the weekend then he can take them home on Sunday. take two cars to his mum's for Sunday lunch - you take your dc home after, he takes his dc back to his ex by himself.

Work out a few solutions and then alternate them.

As for holidays, downscale your ideas and take your stepkids too. Hoseasons lodge/camping/holiday cottage in this country? Plenty of options!

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 12:10

It sounds as though he just doesn't want his twins to come on holiday.

He knows their Mum wouldn't let them take time off school and he knows you won't either.

Show him the DFE website and point out how much the fines will cost.

Bonsoir · 06/11/2013 12:40

I think you might need to see an external mediator to work out your family logistics!

Your starting point needs to be that external constraints, like school holidays, are absolute and no child's schooling must be compromised for another's convenience.

You also need to be realistic about logistics: the whole family does not and should not be picking your DSCs up and dropping them home, ever. That is the responsibility of their parents.

As for family holidays: it is quite reasonable to expect to negotiate holiday dates a year ahead and to keep to them. Work out your budget, work out your dates, negotiate them with the DSCs' mother and book something for the six of you.

needaholidaynow · 06/11/2013 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 06/11/2013 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mynewpassion · 06/11/2013 14:06

When is contact time again? Because I am confused. You said in your OP that he has to return them by 6. Yet you say 1:30 per the mother.

Original poster
FigRolls · 06/11/2013 14:18

It's 1.30 for the hour drive to his parents to prevent them falling asleep and 6 to return them to their mums who's 5 mins from grandparents. Their mum isn't dictating or making it up - they really would fall asleep if any later. Dh thinks it's unfair our children don't get to see gps as often as dts do. The only solution I can see is to have two cars so dds and I could leave gps earlier and dh stay later with dts but it's a big expense to take on when it's only once every couple of weeks other than in holidays.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 06/11/2013 14:20

Why don't you invite the GPs over to you for lunch and get them to take the DTs back to their mother if they live 5 minutes from her?

Original poster
FigRolls · 06/11/2013 14:21

I agree with above poster than many children in 'normal' families don't get time alone with their dad but this is different as their relationship needs re-establishing after a long break in contact. I don't get time alone with school age dd as her sister is always there and at weekends dh is with the dts. I would like it though and think dh should make the most of having the opportunity to have it with dts.

OP posts:
Original poster
FigRolls · 06/11/2013 14:23

Because they'd have to leave at around 1.30 so dts don't fall asleep, then care for them until 6 which reduces dhs contact time.

OP posts:
friday16 · 06/11/2013 14:24

It's 1.30 for the hour drive to his parents to prevent them falling asleep

That's absolutely ludicrous. Suppose they did fall asleep? What of it? They'd get out of the car at the other end and be awake again. Insisting that children can't be transported in cars on Sunday afternoons is barking.

Bonsoir · 06/11/2013 14:24

Why on earth would they fall asleep? They are seven years old, right?

gertrudetrain · 06/11/2013 14:25

AIBU? No.

Is my dh dictating a relatively simple situation into a confusing and convoluted one? Yes.

Bonkers.

sonu678 · 06/11/2013 14:26

he has seven year old twins, and a six year old with you? I'm doing the maths and wondering what you ever saw in him to have a second child with him.

ArbitraryUsername · 06/11/2013 14:27

Could you not just give them something to do in the car so that they don't fall asleep. They are 6 not 6 months.

ArbitraryUsername · 06/11/2013 14:28

Not even 6. 7. Surely they can stay awake in the car for an hour, watching a film or something.

gertrudetrain · 06/11/2013 14:28

Also 7 year olds should not be going to bed at 6pm! Crazy. They need 10 hours sleep per night so would be well within their rights to get up at 4am. Your DH and his ex need to get a grip. You sound too sane for this OP.