To find this Halloween costume upsetting (WARNING: POSSIBLY TRIGGERING)

[frogspoon]

I have a cousin on Facebook, who is a university student. She recently posted up pictures from her uni Halloween party.

She dressed up as a "jilted bride" in a white dress with headdress, veil, bouquet etc. She smudged her make up to make it look as it she had been crying.

The part I found upsetting was that she had drawn red cuts all over her arms with lipstick, to look as though she had cut herself. I have previously self harmed, several years ago, and it made me feel quite uncomfortable to see the pictures. I am considering hiding them from my newsfeed.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this.

Mumsnet makes no sense to me sometimes. Selling a Mental Patient costume is not acceptable but going out dressed up as a self harmer is?

Baked

The outfit was jilted bride not "self harmer".

OK I get that.

But it still doesn't sit right with me.

Actually scampi that is not correct. There is a huge amount of evidence that there are biochemical changes in mental illnesses. Of course it is medical, that's why the people who diagnose are doctors - usually a GP or psychiatrist. You may have experience - as do I - but I'm wondering where you draw your conclusions from given that it goes against everything we now know about mental illness.

I see MH as a medical problem, it requires medical help.

The jilted bride is not what the OP finds offence. It's the part where there is self harming involved as part of the costume.

OP mentioned the words 'upsetting' and 'uncomfortable', not 'offensive'. I think the pictures made her react in a way she couldn't control - it could be a symptom of PTSD.

I witnessed something very horrible a few years ago and without going into detail, some images at Halloween really get to me. Now I know to expect triggers I can protect myself to a certain extent but some things still take me by surprise and it takes all my energy to rise above it. OP your reaction was normal.

So tall others who have said they have self harmed and would not be bothered by this outfit are not normal? Is that what you're saying?

I don't know whether it's nit picking or not Alis, but I don't think any aspect of cutting yourself should be classed as 'normal'.

It's anything but normal.

When I used to do it it was called self mutilation, and changing that to self harming kind of minimizes the damaging aspect of it IMO. That there's somehow an attempt to dumb it down and make it a bit less serious, possibly for good reason so the person doing it feels it's not an uncontrollable behaviour?

That's only my opinion and I'm someone who deliberately avoids thinking about it, but I thought tall was really saying it's OK to be freaked out when you come across it unexpectedly because it's such a traumatic event (from either side). I definitely didn't get the impression she was saying those not bothered weren't normal (and my avoidance techniques are so good I'd be one of them), it was more that she was trying to support the OP.

Agent

I meant the comment about reaction rather than the act itself.

I certainly wasn't suggesting self harming was normal. Been there, it isn't. Like you I don't think of it often now, I prefer not to.

I did say in my original post that the OP wasn't being unreasonable to feel as she did.

I accept I may well have misinterpreted what Tall was saying.

I've never thought about the terminology change before as such, looking on the net there's a huge debate about it because the old way of describing it as mutilation has been criticised for assuming the injuries caused are mutilations, whereas the more neutral self harm is practitioners trying not to ascribe motivations to it.

Apologies if that's so off topic it's irrelevant.

It's a bit of a head fuck eh Alis, both at the time and afterwards.

Hearing of the people around someone doing it trying to create a 'safe' place where the person can do it makes me really uneasy. I understand why taking away the shock factor when someone gets the courage to tell someone else can make them feel less alone, but it's that shock at its seriousness that can make the person get help and stop an escalation (especially as its not a suicidal act).

Maybe it's that none of the act is/should be viewed as 'normal', but when you have it under some sort of control, everything/anything you feel/think is OK?

YANBU to feel uncomfortable OP. I do and I have never self harmed. It's gross and offensive and surprised an adult thinks it's funny
As for you mum.. is she normally quite passive aggressive?

Also if you wanted to say something, gently, I don't think you would be unreasonable at all.

I think I'll PM the OP and say it's been talked about further than the situation in her OP.

Even if she'd prepared herself for it being discussed, I feel bad now that I've gone too far, and given that she's said it upsets her it's maybe better to give her the choice not to?

I knew I should have kept my big gob shut.

but I'm not easily offended

I don't think it is that op is easily offended. Just that she found it to be a trigger & wondered if other people would think the same.

As it happens, some do, some don't. As with anything.

I think it is a very personal thing & no one should be made to feel bad or told to 'move on' v helpful, NOT!

Agent, thanks for backing me up and I don't think you went too far. I did want to support the OP. When someone told me that what was happening to me was really quite common (ie. 'normal') I was comforted and quite relieved that I wasn't going mad. I wanted to do the same for the OP. Of course I wasn't implying that different reactions were not normal. We all react to trauma in different ways.

I find a lot of the zombie type costumes and wounds horrible and upsetting. I don't blame you for being upset but can see that it wouldn't have entered her head. Just hide the pics and hibernate for halloween. it;s definitely getting bigger and bigger and more gross every year

I am totally that people think that outfit was okay. I find it extremely distasteful. You might find zombie costumes frightening or gross, however you are quite unlikely to be showing your costume to people whose life or loved one's life has been affected traumatically by being turned into a zombie.

Heartisaspade, you said earlier 'It feels like you are either looking for reasons to be offended, or like you haven't dealt with your issues at all' the OP has said she didn't feel she got much from the counselling she had, so she maybe hasn't dealt with the issues.

I can't understand why you would try to portray someone who hasn't come to terms with how they were/what they did, as weak, and tell them that because they're not at the same stage as you that they're just looking to be offended when they're distressed by something.

Maybe thinking like that gives you the strength you need to deal with it yourself, but I'm surprised at your surprise that a reminder of the violence could take someone straight back to how it felt to be in that position.

(Thanks tallwiv)

heart So because it doesn't feel triggery and upsetting to you it shouldn't for anyone else?

It's not necessarily logical what triggers people. I find accidental cuts on other people much more triggering than deliberately inflicted ones. Couldn't tell you why though.

Maybe the OP finds the fake self harm triggering because it trivialises it so much?

Triggering is so personal though, I know a few people who find strange things (to me) triggery. And I'm sure they'd find my triggers equally as hard to understand.