To find this Halloween costume upsetting (WARNING: POSSIBLY TRIGGERING)

[frogspoon]

I have a cousin on Facebook, who is a university student. She recently posted up pictures from her uni Halloween party.

She dressed up as a "jilted bride" in a white dress with headdress, veil, bouquet etc. She smudged her make up to make it look as it she had been crying.

The part I found upsetting was that she had drawn red cuts all over her arms with lipstick, to look as though she had cut herself. I have previously self harmed, several years ago, and it made me feel quite uncomfortable to see the pictures. I am considering hiding them from my newsfeed.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this.

[tallwivglasses]

I was going to let this go, but can't...ones, not one's ffs.

That's better.

[tallwivglasses]

Heartis - you talk a lot of sense. My post wasn't just aimed at you. I agree with the fact that there should be room for debate. I just thought some people were being a bit harsh.

When I refered to 'get over it' posts, I meant the one's that were saying pretty much (or exactly) that. I pointed out that something good could come out of it - even perhaps that 'the greatest strength comes from within' :)

[tallwivglasses]

heartis, you almost had me convinced there - and I'm the one you quoted!

The OP isn't talking 'blame' or 'offence' - the words she uses are 'upsetting' and 'uncomfortable'. She also mentions I think her mum being insensitive.

She needs a bit of reassurance. I'm hoping the best she can get from the more get-over-it posts is realising that at some point life will be easier for her if she can find strategies to deal with these triggers.

OP, if you're still there - maybe don't post on AIBU next time

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

"I find it quite weird that someone would not find direct references to, or the sight of, REAL self-harm to be non-triggering, but would find someone drawing on their arms in red lipstick to be distressing. Honestly, yes, I find that very surprising - surely actual scars or talking about real self-harm is a much stronger reminder of the reality?"

I find it quite weird that someone who has obviously been through this all before could not think before she said something like the above. Surely you realise that saying you find someone else's triggers and non-triggers "quite weird" is hurtful? I don't get triggered at all by self-harm, I am so far away from that part of my life that it doesn't hurt or bother me anymore but the OP has admitted it is unresolved. I'm not trying to be horrible to you at all but I do think your comment was hurtful.

[McAvity]

As I just finished pointing out to someone else SaucyJack, I wasn't claiming to speak on behalf of everyone who has direct experience of self-harm.

If only some people find something upsetting, isn't that a good enough reason to be sensitive to those people and try to avoid upsetting them, where possible????? I genuinely find it hard to understand what the problem with this idea is.

[SaucyJack]

Not everyone who has direct experience of self-harm finds it "traumatic". That is just being dramatic.

It's an everyday part of life to a great many people.

[McAvity]

heartisaspade I was responding specifically to your earlier post in which you expressed shock that anyone would say the costume was OK, and you thought only those who had no direct experience of self-harm would think so.

Uh, I never said that. All I said is that whereas a costume evoking the real phenomenon of self-harm might upset someone who has been affected by it (as in fact in did), a zombie costume is unlikely to do so, since no-one has been traumatised by being a zombie or being attacked by a zombie in real life...

I don't get why gender isn't relevant here. Is there such thing as a jilted groom? Do you think that would have been a likely costume? I see the costume as reinforcing crude and silly stereotypes both about women who have been dumped (that they can't cope emotionally without a man) and about self-harmers (that they are unable to 'get over' some sad event, or that they are attention-seeking or emotionally blackmailing).

Again, just because you don't see this or think it relevant doesn't mean it isn't important to someone else.

[tallwivglasses]

When red hairdye left in my bath or a tube of ketchup squirted over my living room by a child reduced me to a heap of uncontrollable tears and panic, thank God I didn't come on mumsnet for support. I was obviously just being silly and over-reacting.

Whatever happened to empathy? Jeez.

[Katkins1]

YANBU. I go to Uni, and I'm sorry to say, this is the kind of thoughtless stuff younger students do. They do things like say how bored they are aloud, and cough, heave and burp without covering their mouths. And take the piss out of disabled people. Just hide the pictures from your feed. If you say anything, you will sadly, end up looking like the irrational one.

[Moxiegirl]

Yanbu x

[McAvity]

heartisaspade, my objection is not that the costume is triggering, though it might well be. It's that it is grossly insensitive and distasteful. Not all Halloween costumes are insensitive and distasteful. If other costumes are this insensitive and distasteful I would object to them too.

I also think that the costume is gender stereotyping and IMO this makes the mocking, trivialising reference to a disorder which mainly affects women even worse.

I'm not sure why you think that you not being offended by something means that no-one else is allowed to be either?

[AgentZigzag]

I agree with you heartis that her family not being able to guess at the depth of her feelings on this must hurt, and preferring to sweep it under the carpet is a regular way of dealing with it.

But I don't think saying someone is 'weird' because they have different feelings to you about their own experiences shows a lot of understanding/compassion.

I know you're describing how you feel and techniques you use to stay strong, putting across another view on it, but it's almost as though you're saying 'get a grip on yourself woman!', which is what people who can't deal with it say, 'if you were only stronger you'd choose not to do it', 'if you genuinely wanted to stop, you'd stop'.

You know yourself that it's as difficult to control the feelings you have afterwards as it is at the time. I've had to cut off all of my other emotions in order to do that, maybe that's too high a price for the OP?

[MurderOfGoths]

Triggering is so personal though, I know a few people who find strange things (to me) triggery. And I'm sure they'd find my triggers equally as hard to understand.

[MurderOfGoths]

It's not necessarily logical what triggers people. I find accidental cuts on other people much more triggering than deliberately inflicted ones. Couldn't tell you why though.

Maybe the OP finds the fake self harm triggering because it trivialises it so much?

[MurderOfGoths]

heart So because it doesn't feel triggery and upsetting to you it shouldn't for anyone else?

[AgentZigzag]

Heartisaspade, you said earlier 'It feels like you are either looking for reasons to be offended, or like you haven't dealt with your issues at all' the OP has said she didn't feel she got much from the counselling she had, so she maybe hasn't dealt with the issues.

I can't understand why you would try to portray someone who hasn't come to terms with how they were/what they did, as weak, and tell them that because they're not at the same stage as you that they're just looking to be offended when they're distressed by something.

Maybe thinking like that gives you the strength you need to deal with it yourself, but I'm surprised at your surprise that a reminder of the violence could take someone straight back to how it felt to be in that position.

(Thanks tallwiv)

[McAvity]

I am totally that people think that outfit was okay. I find it extremely distasteful. You might find zombie costumes frightening or gross, however you are quite unlikely to be showing your costume to people whose life or loved one's life has been affected traumatically by being turned into a zombie.

[Treaclesmart]

I find a lot of the zombie type costumes and wounds horrible and upsetting. I don't blame you for being upset but can see that it wouldn't have entered her head. Just hide the pics and hibernate for halloween. it;s definitely getting bigger and bigger and more gross every year