To think having a baby doesn't have to be expensive

[annabanana84]

I have just had my coil out as I thought dp and I would like to start ttc. As soon as I got home from having it out, dp started saying we should use condoms until this time next year as babies are very expensive and we don't have money for one. We both work and have a nice lifestyle but do have to watch the pennies. I am 30 and really, really x1000000 broody. I am pissed off at dp, because although babies do cost some money, we will have 9 months to buy all the baby things, even longer if we struggle to Conceive straight away. We will be getting most of the baby things second hand or off freecycle anyway to keep it cheap as possible. I hate the way dp let me get excited and now wants wait - a year! I don't want to get old and not have children :o( I think babies need love more than money and material things anyway!

cantspel, I don't know if the second hand clothes I bought dd were exactly good quality: they were what we can afford so they had to do

I also got a lot of hand-me-downs from friends and relatives and even workmates of dh

I found once let it be known that I was not fussy there were plenty of people with things to give away

but childcare/loss of earnings and nappies still had to be paid for; that's the area where it is almost impossible to cut corners; even washing your own nappies adds costs in terms of drying and washing powder

108 nappies a tenner at asda. Really good quality and lidls are brilliant as well. Breastfeed if you can its all free and the longer you do it the more you save.

Babies are cheap, childcare is £££

oliveoctagon Thu 31-Oct-13 15:52:54
maltesefalcon - Im sorry but not eating half of food you put out, sleeping wherever she wants to sleep and breaking laptops is acting spoilt even at age 3.

She is nearly three. Therefore not, on a point of pedantry, aged three. She is a 2.10 year old toddler who doesn't eat everything put in front of her (shock, horror). In much the same way that an adult doesn't fancy the same thing every evening. She falls asleep unexpectedly at the tea table or in her playtent. She did not wilfully break the laptop but was mastering the art of pouring liquid between her two cups. She just thought the laptop would make a nice backdrop for that. It's my fault for leaving my laptop to charge on the kitchen table.

You'd label a toddler "spoilt"? really? Glad you're not near my kids, and I hope you're not in charge of anyone else's. You sound horrible.

OP, having a baby is such a life changing event, you both need to be in agreement about it.

Saying that, most families manage on what's available. So long you are not too precious about is, you should be able to manage on whatever funds are available to you. As mentioned by most posters above, childcare is the most significant cost.

Not wanting to freak you out, but getting pregnant can be as easy as happening on first few cycles, but may also take longer. I had undetected endometriosis and pregnancy took much longer than we expected.

OP, like everybody else is saying, babies are cheap, childcare is expensive. You learn to do without things.

It's worth finding out if your DP is really freaking out over money, or really freaking out over TTC, though. Make sure (as sure as you can, obviously), that he's not just employing delaying tactics. Otherwise a year goes by, the time comes for TTC, and oh look, he comes up with another reason to delay. That happened to a good friend of mine. Her husband wasn't a horrible person, but he was just petrified of becoming a father, and equally petrified of telling her flat out he never ever wanted kids, because he knew it was a deal breaker for her. He strung her along for several years before she finally DTMFA (or as they say here on Mumsnet, LTB).

Not saying that's necessarily the case here. Your DP could be entirely legitimately worried about money, and your financial situation might be healthier if you wait a year. I don't know said financial situation. I'm not trying to make you neurotic with stories of men who string their partners along. I also know plenty of solid couples who waited a little longer to TTC for money reasons, and everything worked out just fine.

If you're really jonesing for a baby, have you tried asking him for a compromise? Maybe say you'll save your pennies for six months and then start TTC, rather than a whole year?

I haven't read all of the posts here but I think the time is never right unless you are filthy rich, when it doesn't make a jot of difference. My DH and I earn good money and we have had to totally refocus our efforts and are spending our money now on moving to a bigger house for when the next one arrives.... There won't be a lot spare each month at all compared to how we have lived here in our little house.... But that is family life :-) go for it I reckon!

YANBU. It's when they get older that they start becoming expensive, very expensive.

There's never a financially good time to have a baby. You've got to take the plunge sometime.

I think it is right that you ave to take the plunge if you want one and next year is unlikely to be much different. Everyone has said it all. Babies are not expensive, you do not need expensive equipment, clothes etc because you can get it all second hand. It is the fact that one of you gives up your salary or you pay out for childcare. The expense comes later, teenage years and early 20s especially.

My mother made an artform of scrimping and saving. We wore mainly hand-me-downs and hand made clothes. She grew a lot of fruit and veg, and preserved them when there was a glut. Her shopping day involved going to the cheapest places for this and that - shopping took most of the day. When we ran out of milk, we could have powdered milk, or nothing.

So, okay, we were cloed and fed, but enjoyed none of it. Clothes were body coverings; food was fuel. Asking for a lift to a friend's house felt like an imposition, so we walked everywhere.

You can decide to scrimp and save to have children, if you want, (there were 6 of us) but don't necessarily expect your DC to feel like "we're all in this together". They may just feel deprived.

They won't feel deprived as babies it is later on that it matters. Babies can be cheap, apart from childcare or loss of earnings, children are expensive.

Before DC I used to spend a lot on things I didn't need. £80 on a haircut for example now go to the local collage £10 and I also get the warm fuzzy feeling of helping a young adult on the path to a career.

DC are worth every cutback and sacrifice DH and I have made.

My 20 yr old son is very expensive!

I totally agree everlong. I think it depends whether you want them to have a nice life or stingy mean life which Sanity Clause had. I always wanted my DC to have a lovely life but it doesn't come cheap. My MIL lived a bit like Sanity' mum - worse because she had plenty of money. Her two dd's now live abroad - thousands and miles away and rarely come home.

sanity I was chatting to a freind earlier this week, and she said her decision to have four DC seems a selfish one now they're teens.

As babies, the family mucked in cheerfully, but now everything is about compromise. No one is fully happy.

She said her eldest had even asked why on earth she had had the fourth baby when there was clearly not enough space, money or time!

Maybe stop thinking if having a baby and start thinking of having a child. The baby stage is over in a blink when you look back ( it seems long at the time!)

You can't know before you have one whether you will have one happy with the scrimp and save or whether they will loathe it. It is all the luck if the draw!

If you're not married, are you SURE he's sufficiently committed to you and to raising a child with you? I suspect this isn't about money, deep down.

What children want differs, at different stages of their development. It's useful if there's a bit of slack in the budget for flexibility. When my daughter said she wanted to look like 'a modern girl' rather than wearing stuff from the charity shop, I took her to Adams - this is a while back - and let her choose an outfit. I just said there mightn't be so many outfits if we bought clothes there from that point onwards.

There's also a contrast between my partner's ex and my partner. His ex had a fairly conventional, 'The children must have everything' attitude. So my stepkids had all the toys, the gadgets, lots of new clothes there. We were more skint- partly as the result of the maintenance payments of course! But I do think my partner did more with our stepchildren. We played a lot of cards, board games, did cooking and craft activities with them.

There was a real indication of the split between my partner's attitude and his ex's attitude, when my stepdaughter - at 19 - went off travelling on a very ambitious trip she'd planned and emailed us after less than fortnight demanding money without any explanation. My partner gave her a small sum to help with and asked why having declared everything had been budgeted for, she had overspent at such an early point. His ex gave her a much larger sum, didn't ask for any explanation, and also lectured my partner about how he really did need to be a better father.

Soon after her return from the trip my stepdaughter announced that she had never really felt loved by her father and wanted to be with her mother. (She subsequently moved out of our house and into her Mum's.)

To cut a long story short, after a year there, my stepdaughter had grown up some more and realised that her mother may at times be more generous, but is rather less good at the sort of care which involves spending time, and providing consistent boundaries.

I think she's developed a better understanding that there is no simple equation between loving someone and spending money on them.

I think the biggest initial 'cost' is the loss of pay due to ML. Or it was for me.

The main wear and tear of having children is on one's soul. The financial deprivation makes that worse, though. Being unable to escape the buggers because you can't afford a babysitter (see all those sanctimonious 'get an evening out with your partner' - by the time you've shelled out for the babysitter you're already £15 down, before indulging in such frivolities as a cinema ticket and possibly a beer) is wearing.

I'm really selling parenthood, aren't I .

I do think its spoilt when you get the picky eaters yes. Most children arent like that and it is from parents spoiling them imho. You get children that will only eat yogurts in the tubes not the pot, only eat things if cut up in certain ways and then will still turn their nose up or throw it or only eat 'kids' food etc. Its only about 10-20% of children I have worked with but its of course not in anyway the childs fault its what adults have taught them.