Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my NCT group

66 replies

closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 10:02

arrange all meetings at places they know I can't get to as I don't have a car?

I'm sick of having to write again "Really sorry that I can't manage to get to this one" when they all know I can't get to whatever has been arranged (they're all places with no nearby public transport out of town and DH and I have no car at the moment). No-one ever suggests meeting in town for once or even somewhere I can get to by bus (when I suggest a meeting in town no-one can ever make it!) If they occasionally organised something I could make I wouldn't mind so much as it's not their fault I don't have a car, it's just that it now seems really deliberate, even to people sending group emails saying "Oh that was great, let's meet again there as it's so convenient for everyone to get to" (erm, clearly not so much). Thinking of giving up on the whole thing, it seems a bit calculated and nasty, though I can't think of anything I've done to offend any of them (have barely seen them as can never make the group meetings). I'm sad though as after a bad birth, illness and having to go back to work early part-time I haven't been able to go to many baby groups or meet many mum friends :( Oh well!

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 31/10/2013 10:05

Is it possible to ask one of them if they can give you a lift? It does seem a bit mean to always make arrangements for places you can't get to atm.

FrogsGoWhat · 31/10/2013 10:05

Have you invited them to meet at your house ever?

GobbolinoCat · 31/10/2013 10:05

when y say cant manage are you being really specif about why, i dont think they have all got toegther to deliberty exc;ude you more a case of massive over sight.

CruCru · 31/10/2013 10:06

That sounds super annoying. Can you invite them round to yours?

GobbolinoCat · 31/10/2013 10:06

Id do big email , " Hello am really keen to see everyone as you know I do not have car at the moment and I cannot get to your meet ups, so would you all like to come on x day to mine?

cogitosum · 31/10/2013 10:07

Oh that's a shame. Agree they probably haven't thought about if. I know how you feel as I don't drive. My nct friends kindly give me lifts but I much prefer meeting somewhere with public transport so I'm not reliant on others.

amidaiwish · 31/10/2013 10:10

Is it really difficult to meet in your town with buggies/car parking etc?? There maybe a very good reason it is easier to meet out of town with more space, it's not unusual. A group of mums with buggies rarely feel welcome in busy centres.

You need to think/try harder if you want to see them - can they come to your house? Could you get a lift? could you get a taxi?

Mumsyblouse · 31/10/2013 10:12

Perhaps they are doing this accidentally, but I found my NCT had a few bitchy members (perhaps 2/3 out of 10) and that set the tone for the rest. I stopped going out with them about 8 months after the birth because I realised I didn't feel better afterwards, but gossiped about- this was not in my imagination as I overheard it and they were also very nasty about another lovely girl in the group.

This might not be the case here and it might be genuinely a situation where they haven't thought it through, but for whatever reason, you and your needs are not important to the group and they aren't working around them. I would probably ask them to yours once- if there's no enthusiasm for this, I would let it go.

SandStorm · 31/10/2013 10:14

Would you be friends with these mums if it weren't for the fact you all happen to have had a baby around the same time?

MrsCakesPremonition · 31/10/2013 10:14

If you like them and want to stay in touch, then you need to be a bit more direct. Ask for a lift. Arrange the next meet up yourself, either somewhere you can get to or at your home, let them know you are sad to have missed yet another meet up.
Otherwise, they will assume that you are dropping them when in reality you feel it is the other way round.

Original poster
closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 10:18

Thanks everyone for replying! Yes I have invited them to mine and they did come for the afternoon, but that didn't seem to change anything! I could try it again I suppose, no-one else has had a meeting at their house as far as I know. They do know why and I don't want to ask outright for a lift as there's been a conspicuous lack of offering in an awkward way on previous occasions when I've explained (most of them don't live near me so it would be out of their way to pick me up). It's frustrating as I'd really like to go to some of the places! I guess maybe they're just not that keen on me, or not enough to make it worth changing arrangements so I could come too - nothing I can really do I suppose though it does seem very cliquey. Booo! :

OP posts:
TheBookofRuth · 31/10/2013 10:20

My NCT group were utter cows, I doubt you're missing much.

choceyes · 31/10/2013 10:21

Oh that's annoying OP.
I was also that person who didn't drive and the rest did. But I think it's only one meet up that I couldn't attend because public transport didn't allow it, and even then a couple of them said they would have offered a lift then they realised why I didn't attend. But all the other times it's always been near public transport and they even came into town on one occassion(!).
I agree with asking them round to yours. I did that once and a few came (difficult for everybody to attend after everybody goes back to work and does different days).

A group of mums with buggies rarely feel welcome in busy centres. Unless the meet up is to walk around rural areas for the whole time, there is always the issue of finding space for a few buggies in a cafe/coffee shop, regardless of where it is. We tended to meet up mid morning or mid afternoon when it's less busy.

choceyes · 31/10/2013 10:25

I don't meet up with my NCT group much anymore (5yrs on), maybe once or twice a year, because everybody is so busy. But they are lovely people and 4 of us are even going on a girlie weekend away to Berlin next year!

HappyJoyful · 31/10/2013 10:35

Sometimes people can be a bit precious / nervous about offering lifts to someone with a new baby... do you have a car seat ? Just thinking of practical reasons why they may not be offering.

The whole NCT thing is a bit like marmite in my opinion - some love it, bond well with the other women etc and as often quoted make life long friends, other's find it bitchy, competitive, hardwork and soul destroying.

Most places even rural villages I'm sure have Mother / Baby Groups run at local churches or Surestart Centres - why don't you try and pop along there and meet some friends locally ?

Echocave · 31/10/2013 11:17

They do sound a bit self-centred and as though they can't be bothered to accommodate you. Is there anyone in your group who you see a future friendship with? If so, you could have another go at asking for a lift outright or inviting them to yours. If not, I probably wouldn't bother.
My group all live reasonably close to each other but they were always fair about which part of town we'd try to meet up in.
There are other ways to make friends even if you're working part time. There may be nice mums at activity groups or church groups.

RobinVanPrissy · 31/10/2013 11:28

Do you like them? I mean...nobody offers each other lifts, nobody makes an effort to change venue regularly to accomodate each other...it doesnt sound that friendly, just forced. If you really like one or two of them, I'd make a separate arrangement with them. Otherwise, ditch them. You dont HAVE to force friendships with your NCT grouo. You could be spending that time at toddler groups or other social activities where you might meet nicer people.

WinterOfOurDiscontent · 31/10/2013 12:34

I found nct very cliquey. Yanbu.

Dancergirl · 31/10/2013 12:45

God they sound awful! That comment about a venue being 'convenient' for everyone, how bitchy.

OP, really you need some nicer friends. Are there any members of the group you like who you could contact individually? You don't have to do everything in a group. Maybe you could invite a couple of them round to you or arrange to meet in town?

BionicEmu · 31/10/2013 12:46

If I were you I would just give it one more go. Just send an email along the lines of:

"Hi everyone! It's been a while since I've seen some of you, so I'd really like to have a bit of a catch-up & see how everybody's doing. As you know, I don't drive, but I'll gladly host you all at my house. How does [date & time] sound for everyone?"

If nobody is bothered about going to see you, then there's your answer right there. If a few want to come, then great.

Personally, I'm one of the people who love my NCT group. Kids are all 3 years old now & most of us are onto second babies, but most of us still meet up every week (although day & time moves around a lot due to people's work commitments.) We've never really met up out anywhere though, is that the way most people do it? We usually just meet at someone's house, or once the babies became toddlers sometimes at a soft play or the park instead.

Dancergirl · 31/10/2013 12:48

OP, how old is your baby? I'm assuming still quite young. As your baby gets older, you'll find you WILL meet more people. Even if you're working some days, you'll b able to find baby groups/gym/music groups etc on your free days.

Don't spend time with bitchy people.

MarjoryStewartBaxter · 31/10/2013 13:07

I feel for you OP, my NCT group were pretty rubbish and I got the the point where I really couldn't be bothered meeting up with them anymore.

I did however start going to my local NCT run coffee mornings and they were much friendlier. I've met a lovley group of mums who meet regularly with and without babies. It does vary from area to area, but we take turns to host in our houses so should be easier to get to if you're without a car.

You should be able to find details of local groups on your NCT branch website if you're interested.

And Thanks to you. It sounds like you've been through a lot and the last thing you need is this set of cowbags.

Original poster
closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 16:17

Thanks everyone, you've cheered me up a bit, I was just so hurt by the way it seems so deliberate! I think I might try it one more time inviting people over and then see what happens after that. And I've been meaning try to get to more groups so I'll try the local NCT ones and see what those are like. :) :)

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 31/10/2013 16:24

Is there a Zipcar service near you?

Original poster
closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 16:27

Oh, I don't know, I'll have a look! I haven't driven for quite a few years though so I'd need a fair bit of practice or refresher lessons first I think.

OP posts: