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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my NCT group

66 replies

closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 10:02

arrange all meetings at places they know I can't get to as I don't have a car?

I'm sick of having to write again "Really sorry that I can't manage to get to this one" when they all know I can't get to whatever has been arranged (they're all places with no nearby public transport out of town and DH and I have no car at the moment). No-one ever suggests meeting in town for once or even somewhere I can get to by bus (when I suggest a meeting in town no-one can ever make it!) If they occasionally organised something I could make I wouldn't mind so much as it's not their fault I don't have a car, it's just that it now seems really deliberate, even to people sending group emails saying "Oh that was great, let's meet again there as it's so convenient for everyone to get to" (erm, clearly not so much). Thinking of giving up on the whole thing, it seems a bit calculated and nasty, though I can't think of anything I've done to offend any of them (have barely seen them as can never make the group meetings). I'm sad though as after a bad birth, illness and having to go back to work early part-time I haven't been able to go to many baby groups or meet many mum friends :( Oh well!

OP posts:

Original poster

closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 23:22

Thanks for all the replies! I think I will ask a bit more directly next time for a lift and see what happens, and also try a more local group. Sad to hear so many people had bad experiences with their groups too!

OP posts:

SaltySeaBird · 31/10/2013 23:27

I liked most of my small NCT group but over a year later we've not all met together. I tried to arrange things but people always cancel or are busy. I know a few of them do meet up but don't ask me. It's sad as I had high hopes of meeting lovely Mums I'd be friends with for years but you can't force these things.

I've met friends through other groups.

fififrog · 31/10/2013 23:40

Exactly the same as salty here, they were all really nice but then i stopped being one of the "chosen" ones. Don't know what i did wrong but suddenly nobody could ever make any dates i suggested. DD and i don't really see anyone much (she's 2.5 now) but she is very sociable at nursery and we have a couple of really good friends we see quite often. TBH, I enjoy spending time with her on my day off work. Sometimes i think i might unfriend the lot of them on FB when I see some of them still meeting up and publically discussing each others parties, but hey, life's too short to worry i reckon!

YesterdayI · 31/10/2013 23:53

I think it is ok to ask for a lift especially if you make it clear you are going to insist on giving petrol money/buy coffee or whatever. It's hard though if they have to come a away out of their way to pick you up.

PenelopeLane · 01/11/2013 00:27

However, we were often completely knackered and off our heads in the early days which made us less sensitive to situations than we might have been.

^^ This! (In the case of my group anyway)

I still see my group often 2 years on, although the initial group of 14 is now about 7. We were talking about all the other people who'd dropped off recently as was horrified to realize that one of the women who only came to a few meetups had stopped coming as she wasn't on Facebook and we started arranging everything through a Facebook group rather than emails, and noone thought to email her and let her know what was happening. Not one person, me included - I guess when our babies were small and we were all sleep deprived it was just one of those things that slips your mind. I feel bad about it, and wonder what she made of all communications from the group suddenly going cold

Mouthfulofquiz · 01/11/2013 06:44

Heartisaspade - the skiing question made me chuckle!!!
I didn't to an NCT class - but the best question I heard at my NHS ante-natal group was:
'Is it true that if you have a hot bath that the baby is 'boil in the bag?'
I didn't know what to say......

LordPalmerston · 01/11/2013 06:50

Not saying this is the issue with op. But in general..

Wrt nct we met up then to be brutally frank I stopped meeting with the people I didn't like. Why the fuck would I meet up with someone I had no intention of being friends with?!
Yes you. The weirdo whose husband had to "help her with her let down "

LordPalmerston · 01/11/2013 06:51

I am god mother to my mate from nct. 16 years on

Oriunda · 01/11/2013 07:06

When you hosted a meet up at your house they came, so that suggests to me that they still want to see you. Offer to host again at your house. Town centres are difficult for larger groups as often there is not enough space for buggies when they are little, and when you have toddlers you need somewhere that has plenty of space for running around, which is probably why play barns etc are convenient, plus somewhere that is set up for. Holder with enough highchairs etc. When our NCT group gets together en masse (which is rare now as a lot have gone back to work ft) we tend to meet at people's houses as it is hard otherwise to find a suitable venue.

Do you do any baby/toddler classes? I meet some of my NCT friends at the various classes we do and then the 2/3 of us go for a coffee somewhere or back to one of our houses.

People do slowly drop off/out of the group. It's only natural as people return to work or move away or just meet other people they get on better with, also as your baby gets older you need less support than in those early days. The people I see the most from our original group are the ones that I like and consider my friends (and I hope vice-versa!).

Carriemac · 01/11/2013 07:24

What's wrong with asking abouth bringing the baby skiing? Are we supposed to never ski again after having children? Or just because some people can't afford to go is it a forbidden topic? Some people are really chippy.

FunkyFucker · 01/11/2013 08:21

I don't know what a NCT group is but it sounds horrific. Join a different one, whatever it is.

RevelsRoulette · 01/11/2013 09:58

Really, it would be best to bin them and find people that you get on better with and really feel part of their friendship group. When you think about it, all these people have in common is that they happened to have babies at the same time. Now, you might find a friend or two but probably not. If it's not working, imo it's best to just walk away rather than carrying on trying to force a friendship with people who just happened to be pregnant when you were.

brightonbythesea · 01/11/2013 10:03

I found my NCT group a little clicky. I had absolutely no money after the birth of my DD but they often chose expensive activities to do with the babies, or expensive mums nights out that would cost in excess of £100 so I often couldn't go. I still see these mums from time to time, but found myself much happier with a group of mums that I met at a local baby group, some of whom are now very good friends who I see as much as possible around work. Is there another little group you could join to meet some different people?

Kyyria · 01/11/2013 10:05

Mine were the same. I gave up in the end :(

Canthaveitall · 01/11/2013 10:15

YANBU but I do think there is alot of expectation on these types of groups to form life long friendships. These relationships are based on a shared life experience but not much more. They are friends for a reason or season but not necessarily life so they won't be considering your situation as they would if they were true friends. If I were you I would keep arranging meet ups near you as I am sure some will make it some of the time. Also try and make other friends without giving yourself a hard time. If you come away with one proper friend you have done better than me. My eldest is 8 now and I am in touch with my post natal group by FB but not much else.

parttimer79 · 01/11/2013 10:25

I didn't do the classes - too tight to when nhs ones were free but I do go to the groups and they have been great. We are scattered over a big area so meet in a range of places from houses to cafés.
But yanbu - I'd offer you a lift!

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