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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my NCT group

66 replies

closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 10:02

arrange all meetings at places they know I can't get to as I don't have a car?

I'm sick of having to write again "Really sorry that I can't manage to get to this one" when they all know I can't get to whatever has been arranged (they're all places with no nearby public transport out of town and DH and I have no car at the moment). No-one ever suggests meeting in town for once or even somewhere I can get to by bus (when I suggest a meeting in town no-one can ever make it!) If they occasionally organised something I could make I wouldn't mind so much as it's not their fault I don't have a car, it's just that it now seems really deliberate, even to people sending group emails saying "Oh that was great, let's meet again there as it's so convenient for everyone to get to" (erm, clearly not so much). Thinking of giving up on the whole thing, it seems a bit calculated and nasty, though I can't think of anything I've done to offend any of them (have barely seen them as can never make the group meetings). I'm sad though as after a bad birth, illness and having to go back to work early part-time I haven't been able to go to many baby groups or meet many mum friends :( Oh well!

OP posts:
JohnnyUtah · 31/10/2013 16:30

What about using taxis?

Nevercan · 31/10/2013 16:30

Try a local baby and toddler group that you can walk too instead and meet some new mums there

TheCraicDealer · 31/10/2013 16:36

The issue with them deliberately going for somewhere out of town isn’t necessarily a snub. I don’t have kids, but I’d imagine it’s a bit easier getting to one of those snazzy new retail parks with their free parking, parent and child spaces, wide pavements, baby changing rooms, quiet during the day mid-week etc., than a town/city centre location, probably rammers with people on their lunch break, and difficult to negotiate with a pram, having to walk from the car park….

The main issue is, do you like them enough to try and change their meeting habits? Because you seem to be grasping at them like they’re you’re only chance to make Mum Friends rather than because you enjoy their company.

I don’t have a baby but you can have Brew with me!

Original poster
closingeveryhour · 31/10/2013 16:41

I don't think taxis would be possible more than once or twice - the venues can be anything from the other side of my town (10-15 pounds each way by taxi) to about 10-15 miles away, eg a play barn or restaurant about half an hour's drive out of town (not a retail park). Can't quite afford nearly 30 quid for a quick coffee! :) I think trying a local baby group is the way to go, but I'm back at work full time in about a month as well so I might need to find something at the weekend. I like people in the group so I'm a bit sad not to be more of a part of it really but I think finding a more local group might be the way forward. :)

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/10/2013 16:43

You aren't obliged to keep in touch or be friends with people who just happened to have sex around the same time as you.

Wishfulmakeupping · 31/10/2013 16:44

I'm a bit disappointed in my group tbh we've not managed to all get together once I do meet up with a couple that live close by but thought we would all get together as a group.
Anyway do go to local groups met some lovely people at the local library group and baby play and stay

Rufus44 · 31/10/2013 17:18

Ooh I was getting all confused as my NCT met up at each others houses and wondered why yours was different

Definitely try the local group, we all lived in the same village and met up once a month for coffee and a chat. People occasionally met up with members from the nearest town for meet ups at country parks etc

worriedabout · 31/10/2013 17:31

Have your tried your immediate community? Local church playgroup? And local children's centre?

I was in similar position to you (although I drive) of being on the opposite side of town to everyone else. It was always a bit of effort however when I found my immediate community I felt far more welcomed and actually they were people I had more in common with. Give it a go and good luck.

SeaSickSal · 31/10/2013 17:55

I have found that sometimes NCTM groups are used by people who like them because the high fees weed out people like secretaries and shop assistants (or at least ones without high earning husbands) that they don't want to meet. They can be really snobby.

heartisaspade · 31/10/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raisah · 31/10/2013 19:03

My NCT were snobby cows who completely blanked me after I had my premmie son. They gawped at his ng tube, kept their dc away from my ds & one pregnant bitch wouldnt sit next to me incase she caught 'something'. How the hell do you catch prematurity? Stupid bitch.

ZangelbertBingeldac · 31/10/2013 19:09

My NCT group was like this - we had one girl who didn't drive.

I was the only one who offered her lifts. Ever. They never ever thought about what was convenient for her.

I remember one round trip that took me over an hour each way - people lived closer to her and never offered her a lift.

They weren't actually purposefully phasing her out or anything, they were just selfish gits who couldn't/wouldn't consider anybody else. Used to drive me mad. I ditched them eventually.

Best thing I ever did Grin

pigletmania · 31/10/2013 19:09

Imwould e mail them to suggest tat due to a ack of transport could we meet in a town location, if tey don't reply or say no, forget them, they sound superficial

Rufus44 · 31/10/2013 19:36

I didn't go to the lessons, just the NCT parent and toddler meet ups

I was welcomed with open arams, nice group of people. But like any groups you get nice ones and not so nice ones

It helps me to believe that because otherwise I am a snobby, class obsessed, stupid cow...apparently

Only joking, I know people have all sorts of nasty experiences,

Rufus44 · 31/10/2013 19:37

What the actual fuck is an aram?

WooWooOwl · 31/10/2013 19:43

You are probably taking this way more personally than they are intending it to.

I'd have thought they just meet up in nice places that they like and are baby friendly. Like play barns which usually are out of town, or restaurants that have easy parking. It probably has very little to do you with you.

Have you tried suggesting places in town? Are there places in town that would be suitable?

RubyrooUK · 31/10/2013 19:58

Wow, some people have met some horrible NCT parents.

My group were and are all really nice. Not all of them would be my best friends if I had met them without kids as we are all quite different but I suppose they share a strange and intimate bond with me sharing those first baby times. They know more about my insides than anyone else on the planet. So I've grown very fond of them all.

However, we were often completely knackered and off our heads in the early days which made us less sensitive to situations than we might have been.

For example, we might all have stupidly forgot one person didn't drive if they didn't come along often. Or we would have thought they would ask for a lift if they wanted one. I never thought my group were bitchy although sometimes I thought they were useless. Grin

I'd give it another chance. Make it clear you need a lift if they are meeting there. Or ask to meet elsewhere. If that doesn't work, move on. There are nice people everywhere.

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 31/10/2013 20:20

four of us stayed in touch from mine and two of us didn't have access to cars often. The other two always bent over backwards to come to us or go somewhere convenient that we could get to but sometimes they wanted to meet at theirs which is fair enough.

I never got offended if people did things without me because it was our choice to only have one car. Not sure how I would feel if I couldn't drive though. What about taxis?

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 31/10/2013 20:21

But also, some of the places we went to which were convenient for me to get the bus to costed them a fortune in parking so I always offered to buy their coffee or something as I was benefitting from them driving x

LaGuardia · 31/10/2013 20:47

NCT is the work of the Devil himself. Haven't you worked that out yet, OP?

weeblueberry · 31/10/2013 20:53

Bloody hell some people seriously have strong views about the NCT...

My group is abslutely lovely. Made up of a wide range of people from different backgrounds etc so not exactly just to 'mix with people of the same class'. Of course some people might be and it seems a lot of you have met some real bitchy people but they're not all like that...? We mix and match where we go and always suggest places everyone can get to (including having people over to our houses). The one person who doesn't have a car is always being offered a lift so she doesn't feel left out.

It's sad so many people have been in groups that have been so horrible.

comedycentral · 31/10/2013 22:43

Leave the group and find a group in your community. Do you have a local families information service?

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 22:48

Next email that goes out reply ASKING for a lift with a "quite happy to pay for drinks/soft place entrance fee in return"

LittleRobots · 31/10/2013 22:52

The group I was in was awful. However some of them still meet, and like all bullies probably have no idea they did anything wrong.

sheridand · 31/10/2013 23:07

Don't bother with them. My NCT group were really more about showcasing houses /lifestyles and so on, not about friendship or support. In short, they were total gits, and in fact made me feel worse rather than better. Find some other baby and toddler groups. There will be some, and they'll probably be nicer!