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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about pregnant women who stand on the train?

29 replies

Bearleigh · 31/10/2013 08:45

I commute into London from outside the M25 by train. Today I (eventually, because I had been reading) noticed young woman who was standing was pregnant. I offered her my seat, but she refused it. I said " you really should take it": she still refused it. Eventually a man got up and moved to get off, and she took his seat. When I got to London, I noticed another woman, with a 'baby on board' badge standing just behind my seat.

When I was pregnant, after nearly fainting once, I always made sure I got a seat, asking men if I could have their seat if necessary (in case a woman I asked was also pregnant). No-one ever refused and most were embarrassed at not having noticed. I never expected anyone to notice, as they could be deep in a paper or whatever.

AIBU to say more strongly that the women could be more assertive? Or do some women prefer to stand? I don't want to be bossy...

OP posts:
strruglingoldteach · 31/10/2013 08:49

Yes, YABU- it's not really your business! Sometimes it's actually more comfortable to stand anyway. I'm sure these women could be more assertive if they wanted to, but that's their choice.

TEErickOrTEEreat · 31/10/2013 08:52

How do you know the man doesn't have a hidden disability and you've 'shamed' him into suffering?

People have to stand on trains. It's a fact of life.

phantomhairpuller · 31/10/2013 08:54

YABU- it's none if your business!!

When I was pregnant, I found standing more comfortable than sitting due to feet digging into my ribs.

Mind your own Hmm

MrsSparkles · 31/10/2013 08:54

YABU - It depended on how I felt, but I would always ask if I needed one. By all means offer yours, but it's rude to insist she has it.

I remember once getting on the tube when I was about 7 months pregnant, and a couple of people offered me a seat, but I felt like standing. Then at the next stop a lady got on and started shouting at everyone in the carriage for not offering me a seat. I thought that was incredibly rude!

hettienne · 31/10/2013 08:55

If someone has a hidden disability, then surely they just have to explain that? Where's the shame?

Some women might prefer to stand, some prefer not to make a fuss. Not everyone is assertive.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2013 09:01

Not everyone is assertive enough to explain their hidden disabilities in public either.

hettienne · 31/10/2013 09:06

If you aren't assertive enough to say you need a seat, then that's your problem though. It's not reasonable to expect people who need a seat not to ask for one just in case someone else is too shy to say they need it more.

Similarly, if you are standing and aren't prepared to ask for a seat, chances are you won't get one.

Fifibluebell · 31/10/2013 09:09

I was running for the bus, walking everywhere and doing decorating right up until DS was born just because you're pregnant doesn't make you incapable of standing! Nice of you to offer your seat but if she felt she needed it she probably would have taken it YABU

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/10/2013 09:12

I commuted during both my pregnancies and would always ask if I could have the priority seat if train was full. Before it was very obvious I'd say I was pregnant when asking. No one ever refused. You can't force people to sit down but I do think women should take the initiative and ask for a seat if they need it rather than expecting others to notice and offer.

Artandco · 31/10/2013 09:16

I think many actually prefer to stand. If your finding it uncomfortable to sit ad have a whole day in the office you need to sit, then the journey to and fro is a good time to stand

lljkk · 31/10/2013 09:16

I didn't mind standing when pg, I wasn't that huge, anyway. I would have taken seat if offered, too, in general.

I don't like old people standing. They do break if they fall over. Eek!!

Xfirefly · 31/10/2013 09:17

one of the worst things about being pregnant for me was people fussing at me to sit down. sometimes I just didn't want to! some women prefer to stand. if I sat down I wouldnt get back up Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 09:17

Yabu, if someone isn't assertive it's their problem. Most people would give up a seat if asked.

pumpkinsweetie · 31/10/2013 09:18

I actually prefer to stand at the moment as my ribs become terribley uncomfortable sitting for long periods.

SleepyFish · 31/10/2013 09:19

Do you work in an office or similar? Many jobs require standing all day and that does'nt change when you're pregnant. I was on my feet 10 hours a day until 38 weeks as my job required it and I suffered sciatica, half an hour on a train is nothing. Pregnancy is not an illness, though some are obviously easier than others.

GiveItYourBestFucker · 31/10/2013 09:27

A man offered me his seat once when I wasn't pregnant Blush I tried to decline politely so that he wouldn't be put off from offering to to Actual Pregnant Ladies not just ones in a very unflattering dress

MTBMummy · 31/10/2013 09:30

I will ask for a seat if I feel I need to sit down, but if I'm feeling ok I am happy to stand.

What I do object to was having to walk the length of the train basically begging for a seat earlier this week, I had my badge on, look pregnant and was asking everyone in the priority seats if they would give up their seat, no one moved. Eventually after 4 carriages a women moved her kids up so I could sit on one of their seats, that day I'm embarrassed to say I cried.

Squitten · 31/10/2013 09:31

Generally, I don't mind standing when pregnant. I always suffer from pelvis pain that gets worse when you sit still for too long so at least standing up keeps it all loose!

SaucyJack · 31/10/2013 09:34

Pregnant women are listed as one of the entitledees for the priority seating on our trains.

|If someone needs a seat, then they can ask for one.

TwoLeftSocks · 31/10/2013 09:39

I sometimes used to prefer standing, especially if I'd spent all day at the desk, but would always be grateful if someone offered their seat (even if I stayed standing).

peggyundercrackers · 31/10/2013 09:52

YABU - these woman are adults and have made a decision for themselves be that to stand or to not ask for another persons seat. you dont come across as bossy but its a little bit patronising.

mrspremise · 31/10/2013 09:56

Pregnant. Not ill, not disabled. PREGNANT. Mind your own...

Raddy · 31/10/2013 10:04

You're assuming those pregnant women are feeling like you did.

I commuted happily when pg and never felt it necessary to sit as I felt perfectly fine. If you'd said to me, 'you really should take it' I'm afraid I'd have been rather irritated.

Jan49 · 31/10/2013 10:06

I would MYOB unless you see a pg woman asking for a seat and not getting one.

Not everyone wants to announce their disabilities to strangers. I used to travel with my ds (disabled) and he struggled to stand on a moving vehicle. Often if all the seats were taken I wondered if the people in disabled seats were actually disabled or in need, but I couldn't ask. My ds didn't know or understand that he was disabled.

slightlygoostained · 31/10/2013 10:08

Pregnancy is disabling for some women though, and being too bolshy about "pregnancy isn't an illness" turns into a weapon that arsewipes then use against other women.

Think OP was reasonable to offer seat, but up to the woman whether she took it. She might have been fine when asked but decided she was tired when the man got off.

During the obviously pregnant part of my pregnancy I went from able to walk miles, to unable to stand for a ten minute bus ride when SPD kicked in. Interesting to hear standing was more comfortable for other pg women - for me it was definitely harder. Guess it just goes to show you can't make assumptions about what's easier for someone else, just offer and accept their response.