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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh should swap cars with me now ds is here?

103 replies

pumpkinsoda · 30/10/2013 12:21

We have one car each, mine a 3 door hatchback and quite low to the ground which I bought well before dcs were in the planning. He's got an estate which we bought after we discussed to ttc.
Whilst pg I mentioned we should swap cars when lo has arrived and he agreed.
Ds is now 7wks old born after emc so I'm still a bit tender and struggle to get him into the rear seat and strap his car seat in. He can't go into the front because the airbag can't be switched off. Furthermore we have a large GSD cross and physically I cannot get the baby in the car with the pram in the boot and the dog. He's too big to sit on the front seat and he can't sit next to baby whilst I drive as it's too dangerous if I have to suddenly brake and he might fall onto lo. I do have to take dog in car to go to the woods as walking would be too far.
Now I asked dh to swap cars with me as all he needs it for is going to work (20min drive) and he doesn't need the space whereas I do. He refused stating that he feels like he's sitting in a bathtub (wtf) whilst driving my car and I should just cope with it.
This morning he took his car to work knowing full well I have a GP appointmnent and I struggle getting the lo in my car because of the cs wound.
Aibu to think he's being selfish driving the big estate whilst I have to struggle with my little hatchback?

OP posts:
Norudeshitrequired · 30/10/2013 13:21

I think the car is a side issue to much bigger issues.
Obviously you need the bigger car more than he does. He has obviously got used to driving the new big car and doesn't want to downgrade; but it's tough as his child and wife's health should come first.
I think you should give him an ultimatum; either you swap cars or you sell both cars and pool the money and buy two suitable vehicles (within the money raised from the sale of both current cars).
The other alternative is that he gets to keep the new big shiny car but he has to walk the dog every evening when he gets home, hence you don't need to have the dog in your little car.

With regard to your doctors appointment today; could you not walk and just push the pram. How far is the doctors?

pictish · 30/10/2013 13:23

He sounds quite the dish. Hmm

Seriously...this guy is all about himself, and the stubborness over the car just illustrates how.

Yanbu. He's a selfish bastard. What are you going to do about it?

Original poster
pumpkinsoda · 30/10/2013 13:24

He visited every day for about half hour, first thing he said when he came in was he can't saty long as he parked on the road and there is a parking restriction for 1 hour.
As far as I know he was sat in front of his computer enjoying the holiday whilst I struggled bfing, getting used to being a mum etc.
He's not really interacting with lo much unless I pysically put li in his arms and walk away.
His excuse for not visiting me in hospital for long is because he doesn't like hospitals (who does) and for not helping with lo is because he is boring and will do more when lo is older and more robust.
God whilst reading this back I really see what kind of a a-hole he is.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 30/10/2013 13:26

This sounds so sad :(

What kind of father doesn't want to visit his baby in hospital when on paternity leave - that's a new kind of low! OP I am sorry but the car is the least of your worries...

pictish · 30/10/2013 13:29

OP I spent a week in hospital after having ds1, while dh was on maternity leave. He was there for a large chunk of the day, brought me delicious food from Marks and Spencer and just hung out.
I find your dh's attitude remarkable. So self absorbed.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2013 13:30

Glad you're realising it.
As a PP said - get rid of the DH - job done!
Start writing down all the selfish things he does.

boring and will do more when lo is older and more robust
I try not to swear too much but this statement is just un-fuckin'-believable!
Seriously!? It's not a fucking choice - it's your child and you fucking well look after it you stupid knob!!!
I am soooooo Halloween Angry for you.
Start getting angry and stand up this man-child now before it goes to far and you end up kicking his entitled arse to the curb!

misskatamari · 30/10/2013 13:30

Oh my god he sounds such a selfish twat! He needs to grow up, realise he has a family to think about now and stop being such an arse!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/10/2013 13:31

My DH and I operate on the premise that it is our job to make the other person's life easier and happier. Doesn't sound like you've got the same deal, OP.

dietcokeandwine · 30/10/2013 13:32

Good lord OP he sounds absolutely awful! But why did you want to have a baby with him if he's this much of an arsehole?! He sounds like a pretty dreadful dad as well as being an awful partner too.

I agree - wider issues here than just the car. I think if I were you I would be tempted to read the riot act and tell him what is going to happen ie you will be using the big car and he will have to just deal with it. Personally I would also leave 'D'P in no doubt that you think he is being a selfish arse. He needs to start pulling his weight big time.

Original poster
pumpkinsoda · 30/10/2013 13:39

You are quite right in hindsight I shouldn't have had a baby with him. I knew what he is like but fell into the trap hoping he would change after lo is born, how stupid of me.
He's very good at twisting words and making it all my fault if I raise any issues we have.
I guess if it'd be just me, baby and dog my life would be much less stressful. I have got a lot to think about.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2013 13:41

Are you married? Get a shit-hot lawyer and get his car in the divorce. Go for the car like it is a chocolate covered George Clooney.

Your DH is a twunt.

HearMyRoar · 30/10/2013 13:41

Doing what is best for you and his baby should not be a chore, it should be something he wants to do without even thinking about it. That is what it is to love someone and what you deserve. I don't think you need telling that your dp is unreasonable, I think you already know this and also know that the car is the least of his problems.

I was in hospital for a week before dd was born being induced. Even though dp was still working he came in every day in morning with a bacon sandwich and then again as soon as he finished work. He stayed as long as they would let him, brought yummy food, and was basically just great and lovely and took care of me. Of course it was a pain in the arse for him, we don't drive and he had to hike up and down a massive hill multiple times a day, but there was never any question about it and he wouldn't have had it any other way.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 30/10/2013 13:45

Reading MN always leaves me wondering why so many women choose to have kids with selfish wankers.

And why women put up with it.

It's shit, it is depressing as hell

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/10/2013 13:47

Yep, re home your 'D'H.pretty please, , do yourself a favour.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2013 13:50

I guess if it'd be just me, baby and dog my life would be much less stressful
So he causes you massive stress as well then!???
No brainer eh!???
You know what you have to do.
Do it - and do it soon!

leafygreens · 30/10/2013 13:55

OP it seems to me that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. There is loads of support on the Relationships board for people in relationships like yours. Look up Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?' for more very helpful info.

Your OH is a nasty piece of work and he's highly unlikely to change Sad

Hope you get the support you need while you think things over.

absentmindeddooooodles · 30/10/2013 14:02

What a truly shit sitution.

He shouls be supporting you in anyway he can and enjoying your new dc. But you already know that.

I have never ever said this beforw on here.....but mayne its time to reasses wether you should be with him or not.

You deserve a hell of alot more than what he is giving you. X

Mojavewonderer · 30/10/2013 14:04

Sounds to me like the car swapping problem is the least of your worries op. Your husband sounds like a selfish prick to put it mildly. You can bet your arse he will only get worse as time goes on!

SpottyDottie · 30/10/2013 14:06

What planet is he on?? You've had a cs and he can't even be bothered to visit you for long? Or swap his car so that it makes life easier for you? What an arsehole!

ovenbun · 30/10/2013 14:07

The only visiting you for half an hour a day is so rubbish :( you must have been so embarrassed! What a mean bastard. Can you show him this thread? Is there someone you both get on with that he respects and could have a word? He needs to shape up or ship out! X x x

Delilahlilah · 30/10/2013 14:10

I would swap him and the car. You don't need extra money to change your car. Just sell yours and buy something of equivalent value. Tell him you have realised that he does indeed need the estate car more than you, in order to have room to sleep in it......

ivykaty44 · 30/10/2013 14:18

go and buy a suitable car for your needs and trade in the bathtub, no need to swap or worry. In anycase if your dh will not drive your car he wouldn't expect you to drive it either Smile

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/10/2013 14:24

If he loved you and cared he would swap the car in an instant. My DH stayed overnight at the hospital and got up overnight and did all the nappy changes as I was struggling to move. That's how it should be OP. He's got a family to think of and your recovery. He isn't is he?

peggyundercrackers · 30/10/2013 14:34

why dont you sell your car and buy a more appropriate car?

sorry if it was me i wouldnt want to swap my car for anyone elses either. i like my car and my OH likes his car - his car doesnt like me though, it only ever breaks down when im in it, never with him - it knows.

ADishBestEatenCold · 30/10/2013 14:53

He certainly doesn't sound very nice pumpkinsoda and this situation sounds intolerable, but I think (especially as it's just a little while since the birth) you should make little decisions first.
The results achieved from making little decisions often point us in the right direction, to make bigger decisions, IYSWIM.

So today, I think you should decide that in future you will have the bigger car. Later today, when you and DH are together I think you should say something like "I really hurt myself getting our baby and car seat into the small car today and I've decided I simply cannot do it again. We will have to swap cars from now on, so make sure you take the smaller car tomorrow".
If he again "refuse(s) stating that he feels like he's sitting in a bathtub" then simply say "Oh I know what you mean, but better that than I end up with a hernia or drop our baby because my abdominal muscles are too weak to lift him over on to the back seat, so we will have to swap cars from now on. Make sure you leave me the estate car tomorrow".

Hopefully he will comply, but if you make this little decision now, today, it's success (or failure) will surely point you in the right direction for your next decision. Wink

Good luck, and congratulations on the birth of your son!