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AIBU?

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Original poster

About my mothers attitude to mil

58 replies

storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 08:51

Background: me and mil do not see eye to eye, there's been issues in the past, mainly around her being jealous of me as I've 'taken' her one and only precious son. We have one DC and I've agreed to but things under the bridge and get on with it for the sake of both of our sons. She provides childcare when we need it, adores DC, we are polite and civil, we don't go out of our way to spend time together but if I'm asked to I do so.

My DM is controlling, I didn't realise until I talked about it on here, she makes me feel like I'm inadequate, favours my Dsis and twists things to be the injured party every time things don't go her way. I've had good advice on here, sometimes I've stuck to it but she's my mum and I think I take more crap than I should.

So latest is, and I'm trying to be vague as it may out me.

Each year my parents have us round to tea on a date close to a particular event in the calendar, it's always when my DF chooses (he's also controlling that's another story) it always happens on a particular day of the week closest to the actual date so it fits round Dsis and work commitments. I made a comment about the gathering yesterday and how DS was looking forward to it. I was then told it would be on different date. Ok I thought, stra

OP posts:
Original poster
storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 08:51

Bollocks, bare with me

OP posts:
Original poster
storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 08:57

Strange as it was a different day to usual but I didn't say anything. Got in the car to come home and realised that day suggested is mil's birthday and as she is alone we usually take her out for food.

Text DM to ask if date is set in stone as we couldn't do that date as mil's bday. I get an 'ok'

Cue texts from sister, DF planned it it's only for DC that they do it etc etc. but hey enjoy your meal.

DM has called me today to say I'm selfish as I want to spend time with 'his mother' and that we could take her out another time. I explained it's her bday and no matter how I feel she is the mum and gma of the two of themost important people in my life. Can't we move other event.

I'm told no, she doesn't give a fuck anout mil and a fuck about how My DP feels they are doing the event on this day so that's it, we aren't coming fine, enjoy time with Mil.

It's like I can't win.

This event is supposedly for my DC, there are no other GDC, she's being awkward isn't she?

How can I please everyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 08:58

Jeez that's long

OP posts:
whois · 25/10/2013 09:01

Your mum and dad are clearly the ones being dicks. Take your MIL out for her birthday.

YouTheCat · 25/10/2013 09:02

She is being a cow. You're an adult. Do what you want to do (presumably take your mil out). Stick to your guns and they might even cave and change the date.

After all, it's them who are going to miss out on time with their grandchild. You win all the way, because if they carry on you don't have to spend a day with them.

MamaBear17 · 25/10/2013 09:02

I could understand them being disappointed. However, they are completely over reacting. How would your mum react if you missed her birthday?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/10/2013 09:03

Take MIL out for her birthday. Your parents then have the choice whether to change date or proceed without you.

jammiedonut · 25/10/2013 09:03

You can't. They've changed the day, just take your mil out and don't allow your mother to control you. My mil has done something similar this year, has decided that despite never having expressed an interest in a particular date that she expects me to change my set-in-stone annual plans to accommodate her. She got told where to go as it was yet another attempt to prove that she is more important to dh than I am and her wishes should take precedence.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 25/10/2013 09:03

How about suggesting to DM that you bring MIL to the tea? Should please everyone.

NotYoMomma · 25/10/2013 09:05

I would be like 'you are the ones who changed the dates, its not my fault you didn't consider everyone'

can you not just cut them out

its only going to get worse - they aeem to be a little gang

ps/ are you on stately homes? good for dealing with this awful behaviour

Chocotrekkie · 25/10/2013 09:05

Take out your mil and I would concentrate on building a relationship with her.
Don't allow your parents to bully you.

ZangelbertBingeldac · 25/10/2013 09:05

Your parents are in tbe erong.

You need to nip this in the bud now or they will do it on her birthday every year.

Take your mil out.

SeaSickSal · 25/10/2013 09:06

I think you've done the right thing. You had a prior arrangement and they moved it without checking, they are in the wrong. You have shown them you won't be brow beaten.

Incidentally a lot of people would have used this as an excuse to ditch the mil. You haven't, you've done the right thing despite your feelings. In my book that makes you a really lovely person so don't take any shit off anybody.

Contact your parents by text and email, say you simply cannot make that date but would be happy to come at another time. Then refuse to discuss any further unless it's to change the date.

Preciousbane · 25/10/2013 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 25/10/2013 09:07

God sounds awful. Don't think you can win this one but from the outside I'd say you should stick with taking MIL out as your family are being deliberately awkward. Just rise above it and keep it breezy - 'oh well, what a shame we can't make it - do you want to come round here for tea next week? No, oh well - let me know when you're free... Speak to you soon...'

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 09:07

You know I knew I was right, just wondered if there was something I was missing.
Apple that would be good except because of how mil have not got on in the past my mum refuses to have anything to do with her, well that's the reason she gives but it's mainly around Xmas and she knows that I will always choose to spend it at their house as that's where my wonderful grandparents will be abd it means she doesn't have to invite her to that either meaning mil doesn't see DC on Xmas day. Confused

OP posts:
ZangelbertBingeldac · 25/10/2013 09:08

Your sister sounds like a piece of work too, btw.

BrianTheMole · 25/10/2013 09:08

Not nice of your parents. Very controlling. Stick to your guns. Its the principle!

Clobbered · 25/10/2013 09:08

Ignore, ignore, ignore. YANBU. Stick with your plan and let them do what they want. Chances are they will change the date anyway when they realise you aren't going to budge. You are in charge of your life!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 25/10/2013 09:09

Take out mil.

Come on, you know that's the adult- not to mention NICE - thing to do.

Merel · 25/10/2013 09:09

Is this particular event very important to your family? It doesn't sound like the day you celebrate it is set in stone generally, so it's not clear to me why they can't work around your prior commitment.

If you have already told MIL that you will spend that day with her, it would be bad form to cancel for a 'better offer', especially since it is her birthday.

Original poster
storminabuttercup · 25/10/2013 09:10

Preciousbane, it's literally just an informal tea, I've made it sound interesting it's not Grin.

We get invited for a meal twice a year, then and Xmas day.

I've tried to do more with them, invite them out or here. The answer is always no.

OP posts:
foslady · 25/10/2013 09:10

This is definately them and not you - whatever has happened in the past with MIL is irrelivant, you have both agreed to move on, this is a blatent case of trying to make you choose one over the other with the 'you can't love us as much then' emotional blackmail crap.

Stick to your plans - how would they feel in MIL's shoes?

Tabliope · 25/10/2013 09:10

I can't believe people act like this. Well, I can, as I do believe you but no one I know would! In laws try to get on, don't they? They share grandchildren together. My two grans loved seeing each other - only happened rarely but they tried to find common ground and get on. All this over a clash of a date! Your mother is being unreasonable. It's your MIL birthday. You are doing the right thing and somehow despite your mother have turned out decent.

LittleBairn · 25/10/2013 09:11

Your family sound cruel and self involved, your MIL would be alone on her birthday and this event can easily be done another day.
They are cutting their nose of to spite their face if its something they do for your DS.