About my mothers attitude to mil

[storminabuttercup]

Background: me and mil do not see eye to eye, there's been issues in the past, mainly around her being jealous of me as I've 'taken' her one and only precious son. We have one DC and I've agreed to but things under the bridge and get on with it for the sake of both of our sons. She provides childcare when we need it, adores DC, we are polite and civil, we don't go out of our way to spend time together but if I'm asked to I do so.

My DM is controlling, I didn't realise until I talked about it on here, she makes me feel like I'm inadequate, favours my Dsis and twists things to be the injured party every time things don't go her way. I've had good advice on here, sometimes I've stuck to it but she's my mum and I think I take more crap than I should.

So latest is, and I'm trying to be vague as it may out me.

Each year my parents have us round to tea on a date close to a particular event in the calendar, it's always when my DF chooses (he's also controlling that's another story) it always happens on a particular day of the week closest to the actual date so it fits round Dsis and work commitments. I made a comment about the gathering yesterday and how DS was looking forward to it. I was then told it would be on different date. Ok I thought, stra

How can I please everyone?

In my experience, it is futile in this kind of situation to try to please everyone because no matter what you do, they will never be happy.

Your mother is being exceptionally unreasonable. I'd be interested to see what she will do if you put your foot down and celebrate MIL's birthday with her as planned (which is clearly the right thing to do in this situation) You may find that it helps in the long run (brace yourself for a tantrum in the short term though )

I use the term tantrum deliberately too. My ILs are prone to this kind of behaviour and I can't tell you how much better things have been since we started simply ignoring the tantrums instead of trying to pacify them.

Just to make it clear I have every intention of sticking to taking Mil out.

DP being the peacemaker he is offered to ask mil to change the date, as it's causing me to get grief. The very fact that he wants to do this and mil would probably agree so as not to upset DP makes me more determined

Sounds weird and over the top. Stick to your guns and leave them to it.

your sister is being a right spoiled cow what age is she fgs, your parents will need to realise your mils birthday is more important than their tea she is after all your childrens grandparent too, let your sister ramble on and don't let them bother you, I understand parents who want things all their own way my mums the same she will never come to things we ask her too but act all wounded if we don't go and see her it is exhausting,

On what planet can anybody possibly think it's ok to arrange a date for someone without even asking if it suits and expect them to drop everything and be available?

I feel very sorry for you, you are doing your best to get on with a MIL you don't naturally get on with, and your family, far from being supportive, are making life difficult for you.

Just remember that your DP and DS are your important family now, the extended family comes second to them every time.

Take your MiL out (and make it a really special one), do NOT give in to this controlling behaviour,

The only awkwardness and difficulties have been created by your parents and sister, leave them to it, it will give them something to talk about over dinner.

And well done you both(MiL and you) for putting differences aside and building a new relationship, well worth it if you can, it taken me twenty years odd, to get to where I am now with mine, it is noticeably beneficial to the children.

If you stick to your guns, eventually they will give up trying to manipulate you, it all power play, when it becomes pointless, they will reassess tactics, and it gets easier, just hold your nerve, stick to what suits you.

YY take out your MIL, her birthday is the longstanding event.

Although you say you don't have a great relationship with her it does sound like you have been very mature/sensible in your approach with her and I am sure your DH would want to celebrate his DM birthday.

Your family sound a handful, unless there is a real significance to this event and a really sound reason for changing the day/date I would feel they we're be no deliberately manipulative.

Take out MiL and ignore your parents and sister.

I'd cut them out, they are arses to you.

how can I please everyone

I suspect your mother woukd never be pleased tbh

Storm. You sound a really fair person and Tabliope is right, Grans should try to get on, after all they share the most precious thing which is your lovely son. Put this to your Mum and if she still cannot compromise you should carry on with your plans with MIL.

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate everyone reading through that mammoth post!

The latest is that it's me making the big deal, because they shouldn't have to change the plans for me. Even if the meal is normally as a treat for DC.

I think I mislead in my post though, the day wasn't planned before asking me, I said 'we are looking forward to next Thursday' to which I got 'what makes you think we are going it next Thursday?' Well it's been on the Thursday for the last three years? 'Well no we mighnt want to do it on a different day, I think we will do it on Friday'

I can guarantee if I had said let's do it on Friday, then it would have been a different day.

I think we have the same parents .
My parents have also done stuff like that to me, I've cancelled too many things over the years to keep them happy and I won't do it any more. You are being perfectly reasonable, they are not (though I know it's hard to put up with the backlash). Incidentally do you think it is worse that you are doing something with MIL particularly that day? My mother used to keep a running total of when we saw MIL and when we saw her - she only stopped because I stopped telling her - ridiculously petty but based on her need for control and to be the most important.

incidentally you mention your DM favours your sister - do you think she would have responded the same way if your sister wanted to change the date? (always very telling in my family dynamic where my brother can get away with murder)

Redsky. This meal has happened for the last three years and is always planned around dsis. If she couldn't do that day it would be moved.

The worst thing about it is my mum look surprised when DF said we weren't doing it on the usual day, and is now saying that she wanted to actually do it on the new date all along. It honestly doesn't matter when this supper thing happens it's all craziness.

And yes she keeps tally. Say we took DS to mil's one day straight after school and asked her to watch him as we had to go somewhere this would be disgusting as we hadn't seen him all day etc etc, yet if she wanted to pick him up from school and take him somewhere it's completely fine.

I try and point this out. And I get 'I don't care what mil does, she can do what she want, take him there whenever for all I care blah blah blah' in a way that only someone who really does care would say.

If it wouldn't break my DGPs hearts I would stop spending time with them at Xmas and other occasions too as it is always so fraught, but DGPs go there and they won't be here forever

Could you invite your grandparents round to you before Christmas so you don't have to go? It sounds excruciating.

People like this will never change because they can't see anything wrong in what they are doing. But you can change how you react and respond to them.

What do you WANT to do?

I want to take mil out. It's actually less strained with her despite our differences.

As other people have pointed out , you a, can't deal with inreasonable parents and b, are doing the right thing. Have had similar issues in past. When in-laws visiting/staying due to distance, my dp would turn up ( despite being local and hardly visiting). When needing childcare due to younger siblings in nicu, inlaws travelled and helped out. After several weeks they returned home to rest as we had made it back to our local scbu. My parents who had visited new gc twice in hospital (despite being myself and dt being very poorly) then decided to come and visit on the third occasion.This was the very wkend that my in-laws had returned for a flying visit. They knew we only were allowed one set of parents in the scbu at one time and insisited they took the passes even though thet could have travelled quite easily at any other time. In-laws did not make a fuss but I felt embarressed and disgusted with this behaviour. I was feeling too overwhelmed to stand up to them but I'm afraid it made me loose all respect. I can only conclude that such behaviour is down to insecurity but it is very sad isn't it? point scoring and playing one off against the other.

OP..I would also seriously think about having Christmas on your own, and maybe invite MIL.

Also, cant you have your GP's without involving you parents ?

Thomas that must have been awful. I hope you are all ok now. Sounds like your parents are as awkward as mine!

My SIL got married on my DM's 60th birthday. She invited my parents, bish bash bosh, jobs a good 'un!

Just to make it clear I have every intention of sticking to taking Mil out.

Good. Now think about what would make you happy for Christmas then do that.

Ignore all the backlash - they were never going to be happy, you were always going to be in the wrong - screen calls, be vague about future plans and give them as little information as you can about your life - less ammunition that way.

Glad you're taking MIL out.

How about she gets to see you all on Christmas Day as well??

Invite your GPS and MiL to yours for Christmas?

You have to stop pandering to your parents.

WRT your thread title, I don't think it's your mother's attitude to your MIL that's the issue, so much...

Glad you're taking MIL out. Quite apart from the facts that it was arranged first and a birthday trumps random tea for no apparent reason, your MIL just sounds like the nicer person.