About my mothers attitude to mil

[storminabuttercup]

Background: me and mil do not see eye to eye, there's been issues in the past, mainly around her being jealous of me as I've 'taken' her one and only precious son. We have one DC and I've agreed to but things under the bridge and get on with it for the sake of both of our sons. She provides childcare when we need it, adores DC, we are polite and civil, we don't go out of our way to spend time together but if I'm asked to I do so.

My DM is controlling, I didn't realise until I talked about it on here, she makes me feel like I'm inadequate, favours my Dsis and twists things to be the injured party every time things don't go her way. I've had good advice on here, sometimes I've stuck to it but she's my mum and I think I take more crap than I should.

So latest is, and I'm trying to be vague as it may out me.

Each year my parents have us round to tea on a date close to a particular event in the calendar, it's always when my DF chooses (he's also controlling that's another story) it always happens on a particular day of the week closest to the actual date so it fits round Dsis and work commitments. I made a comment about the gathering yesterday and how DS was looking forward to it. I was then told it would be on different date. Ok I thought, stra

It sounds like your parents enjoy setting you up to fail. Who knows why but they sound like knobheads.

Leave them to it and go and visit your MIL. Firstly its her birthday and secondly it would be rude and hurtful to cancel plans on her birthday. Do your parents know when her birthday is btw? just wondering if your mother was deliberately spoiling for a fight.

I wouldn't get involved, just apologise and say that you can't go as your have a previous commitment and stick to repeating the same statement, politely.

Stick with your original plan , let them do what they like , and don"t think another thing about it . Man up .!

I think you're doing the right thing because however accommodating your MIL might be on the surface, you don't want to give her any more reason to be "anti" you. Your own parents are being, frankly, dicks. And you should never give in to such petty childish point-scoring behaviour if you can at all avoid it (Christmas = different matter because of grandparents, I get that)

The only pity is that you didn't say that you're happy it was the Friday because the Thursday was so much more difficult for you - chances are they would have stuck to the Thursday if you'd said that, just to spite you!

Hope it works out.

Apologies for the spelling on previous post! I was typing quickly. Yes Storm the situation was awful and they didn't make things easier nor offer practical help ( this was the sole reason the other grandparents came to stay to help out). We are all fine now though!!! They have a track record for controlling behaviour and for years I felt I was to blame. I too have the "perfect sister" to be played off against. I think it is about control and once things were percieved to be out of their control their behaviour becomes more controlling and irrational. "Perfect Sis" has a different approach, nods and smiles but then rants behind their backs but on the surface she is the "perfect daughter". I think I am more honest and upfront now. I have pulled them up about their behaviour but as a result I'm classed as the "Stroppy, unstable one". We have a very superficial relationship now. Looking back I can see patterns in the family as to other relationships i.e my mum's mum behaving in a similar way towards the m-in-law, so I am determined to break this cycle!! Remember it is their problem not yours and once you decide to stop engaging in their games they may come around. It is not as easy as many posters say about "stopping pandering to them". You have been conditioned to this behaviour from a very early age.

Thomas, glad to hear that.

Lots of you suggesting I host Xmas, which in an ideal world would be fine, but if I invite the GPs now there will be a huge huge fallout and they will also see that things aren't right, I don't want them getting wind of any of it as it would hurt them.

DP will be going to Mil's this year for lunch and we will all see her at some point for a drink and so she can see DC open presents, she has been to a relatives the last few years but DP promised to spend this Xmas dinner with her, it's not ideal but it's only a few hours out of the day. i imagine she will have the relatives there too, one of which no matter how 'ok' I am with mil I refuse to be around or let DC be around. DP agrees with this too. It's a whole complicated situation. Mil was always invited for dinner to my parents but the second year we had DC my mum stopped this because of the way i'd been treated, it's funny that pre DC the fact that I didn't speak to mil was in my mums words 'embarrassing and not how you've been brought up' her own mil was a heartless woman yet my own mum put up with her every year for the sake of us DC.

This could be my DGF's last Christmas with us, so I'm reluctant to rock the boat, he's such a wonderful man I want him to be happy.

I will be leaving when DGPs do though and next year i promise that I'll have a better solution to it all. Maybe having the DGPs here a different day. Cos I will be praying with all my heart that I still have them here

Do we have the same family OP? Really sorry you have to deal with this. YANBU at all.

Don't think so, my sister doesn't think there's a problem so can't be!

My mum hasn't phoned or texted or anything this weekend. I'm actually enjoying the peace