To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....

[Writerwannabe83]

....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?

I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.

I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.

When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.

Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.

I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?

I think I am maybe just not as emotional about labour as some people. I'm not that bothered about "the experience", I just want the baby out as safely as possible. DC1 was a surprise very quick labour 7 weeks early, DH made it to the hospital 10 mins before he was born.

With DC2, I had my DH and my best friend there. It made practical sense to me, especially once I went in to get induced at 38 weeks. Friend & DH could take it in turns to go eat & rest without leaving me alone. Friend had had a baby 18 months before & was very knowledgeable, she's also very bolshy when she wants to be so I knew she would be a far better advocate for me & baby than DH would be. Plus, she could reassure DH & be there for him too!

As it happened, I went on the drip, had continuous monitoring, but still managed to keep upright & active & gave birth 1 hour 7 minutes after my first contraction. Friend left shortly after birth, leaving me, DH & baby anyway.

If I ever have another I would have DH and best friend there again. Nothing to do with DH & mine's relationship, everything to do with it being the best situation for me & baby!

dh and I went against our initial gut instinct for him not to be with me during ds's birth, he didn't want to see it and I didn't want him seeing me giving birth, but we listened to too many people telling us he would regret it if he wasn't there - ds's birth was traumatic, 36 hrs including 3 hrs of pushing (30mins of it on our own), failed epidural, back to back, forceps, retained placenta and an episiotomy that tore internally up to my cervix followed by an hour of stitching....dh suffered PTSD afterwards and has never got over the horror of watching it all unfold, i also felt a lot of anger towards him as i felt he wasn't supportive enough during the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me, i spent much of my labour stressed because i could see how stressed he was getting as things started to go wrong

when i fell pg with dd we were both adamant that he wouldn't be there, in fact the first thing he said when i told him i was pg was that he really couldn't watch me give birth again which i was 100% in agreement with...instead i had a private midwife as well as the nhs midwife and a student, labour was short, calm, relaxed, virtually pain free in a pool, i felt nurtured and supported, i pushed for a whole 2 mins before she fell out, i suffered no tears or grazes at all and the entire experience was amazing, despite the bad prolapse i had as a result of ds.....dh first saw us when we were clean, rested and happy and bonded with dd so much eaier than he did with ds....our family is complete but if i was going to give birth again, i would do it withiout dh again, no question

I had my dp and mum with me during both labours and wouldn't have had it any other way. 1st labour was horrendous..contracting every 30 seconds, only 2 cm dilated and DS was back to back. Had DP rubbing my bum and my mum rubbing my back for hours trying to ease the pain for me.

When i found out i was pregnant the 2nd time we had decided that it would be just the 2 of us, but the closer it came to due date the more i wanted my mum with me aswell, DP completely understood and happily agreed with me. I am glad that she was with us as after delivering DD the placenta fell apart before delivering it, DP became extremely panicky so wasn't much comfort to me, whereas my mum had the same happen to her when she had me so knew exactly what i was going through.

I am of the opinion that it should be entirely up to the mother who she has in with her and if it means upsetting the dad then so be it.

op

You don't get it do you?

Its not about someone missing the birth. The situation is not an occasion nor is it a spectators event the only person other than medical staff who need to be there is the mother because the baby is coming out of her body. Someone whose going to winge and complain about missing it has the wrong prioritys.
The sole reason for a birthing partner being there is to provide help and support to the mother its not about witnessing a event its just about help and support.

Its great that for you the person you would want to help and support you is your dh but for some mothers,they know that they will have more effective support available from a relative or friend and that's perfectly fine as well.

Woowooowl. Yes that's exactly right. The partner should be there if the woman chooses for him to be there and not there if she doesn't want him there. She is having a baby Ffs! Why is it hard for you to see that the mothers needs are paramount?

I'm so glad my DH was there with me. I would have been totally alone otherwise, my mum wouldn't have entertained the idea of being with me in labour, she hates birth (has done it 5 times herself and refuses to discuss it in any way) and would have been horrified if I'd asked her!

The sole reason for a birthing partner being there is to provide help and support to the mother its not about witnessing a event its just about help and support.

Am I nearly the only person who thinks the opposite of this? I don't need help and support from anyone but the MWs/HCPs. I wouldn't have known if DH hadn't been there for either of the births I've done so far.

Disclaimer: I may be particularly independent; my DH may be particularly useless. But I don't think either of those is true.

Lots of women feel the same way as you, but it still does not make it wrong unless you believe that is not the actual intended use of a birthing partner, I expect if the intention was not help and support they would be called witnesses.

Actrually sock I do 'get it' - and if you had read my original post properly and all the other posts where I have spoken about the issue I have never said I don't agree with other women choosing other people over their partner, just that I feel bad for the dads who then have to miss out. Or is sympathy not allowed?

I would imagine that most guys (unless they specifically said they did not want to be at the birth) would be disappointed if they didn't get to see their child born yet Grandma did at the choice of the mother. I appreciate the mother is the one giving birth but I imagine that for a guy to witness his child being born must be amazing, and to be denied that (i.e through them not being the woman's 1st choice) must upset them to some degree.

If men gave birth (laughable, I know) and my husband chose somebody else over me to be there to support him through it and see the birth of our baby I would probably feel really upset.

If my husband chose someone else I would be thinking about what it was about my behavior that made me a less than ideal birth partner.

Good point hopalong - I can't imagine any scenario where I would choose to have my mother over my husband by my side....

WoowooOwl The 2 scenarios are different there's no hypocrisy there. If a man insists on being at the birth and uses emotional black mail in order to force his point then yes he is being controlling. If a man refuses to attend the birth unless he has good reason then he is being unsupportive. Unsupportive is not the opposite of controlling.

Like others have said Labour and birth is not a spectator event. It's not important for the man to witness birth of his offspring. Perhaps if he has proven himself to be sympathetic and loving, completely supportive of his partner and her choices, has promised to ensure her wishes are taken into full consideration, and can cope with all the blood and poo that might happen then I doubt a woman would choose someone else anyway.

I believe unless medical staff if you didn't help create the baby you have no need to be there..

If you love and trust your partner enough to have a baby with them, then you should trust them enough that they will be there to support you.

Obviously single parents are different but I would never push dh out for a spectator the baby is just as much his as it it mine

My parents waited in the waiting room while I was giving birth. It was a 25 hour labour- my parents were in the waiting room the last 12 hours.

They were great as they bought it food/drinks/what ever we asked for really.

At times DH wanted to go to the toilet/get some fresh air and it was great having my mum run in and support me until DH came back.

They waited an hour after giving birth before coming in to meet the little guy :)

It's clear from the Relationships board that's it's not just single mothers who lack a partner who would make a suitable birth partner. Some men are arseholes. Just because their child is being born doesn't stop them being so. A woman can choose who she wants to support her and that is what a birth partner is supposed to do - make you feel safe, mop your brow or hold your hand and help voice your thoughts, fears and choices when you can't.

FWIW I would have hated my mum to be at the birth of my baby and my husband was awesome but that's not always the case for some people.
I can see why you might feel sorry for a bloke who doesn't get to be there but his feelings are less important than the womans in this situation

Writer it isn't the experience you are imaging it to be.

You know that gap between reality and fantasy. You are in it right now.

I gave birth to my first when I was 21 so not as young as the girl on obem but I was terrified to begin with and asked DP if he minded my mum being there too. He talked me out of it in the end (not in a nasty control freak way) and I'm so glad he did because in hindsight while she wouldn't have meant to be useless she would have been as was proven when she was around in the first stage of labour for 2nd time round (was trying to labour at home for that 1 and she was babysitting the big one).

DP was best bortj

Best birthing partner that should be! Mum just told me horror stories about labours she'd heard about and nagged me to go to hospital already despite me not wanting to.

Can totally see why the 18 year old wanted her mum tho and feel very sorry for the new daddy. Remember that episode because the young dad was wonderful and looked so in love with his new baby

I agree with you. However, I think her age has alot to do with it. 18 year old me would have been the same. Both my mum and mil would have loved to have been invited into the delivery suite when I had dd. From early on my dh was insistent that he would prefer it to be just the two of us. My dh was completely involved in every step of my pregnancy. He, along with me, planned our baby's conception. Our daughter is as much his as she is mine. My husband wouldn't have 'allowed' me to kick him out of the delivery suite either. It has nothing to do with him being controlling, because he isn't. It did, however, have everything to do with him being a dedicated father. He was brilliant throughout my labour and our dd's birth and supported my every decision. The decision should be made by both parents, and each situation is different, but I feel sorry for the guy in your example, and the slight bashing your dh is getting on here.

It's fine to feel sympathy for them but your husbands outrage is misplaced, the man's feelings really don't even compete at that point. It's all about the person shitting themselves (often literally) at the idea of pushing a human out of them.

I also think it is incredibly cute your husband thinks he can tell a laboring woman what to do ever. (everyone play spot the first time dad!)

Christ if the woman in labor didn't slap some sense in to the partner I suspect the midwife soon would!

I didn't want DH at the birth because I really thought he would stress me out and he did at first. He came in to his own during it and I allowed him to be there because it meant a lot to him but I would have sent him out if he caused me undue stress.

Stress in labor = pain very simply. It does. And if you are causing your partner more pain and are a decent human being you don't wait to be asked to leave.

Why do they need sympathy,they are not the one in pain giving birth,they are not the ones whose feelings need to be taken into to consideration.

Sympathy implies something is unfair or wrong or shouldn't be happening.

Fwiw I would rather boil my own head than have my mother with me at a time like that but I can understand why others do and there is nothing wrong about it.

*men have a life time to bond with a child they do NOT need to be at the birth

I think it is worth noting that if a person wants their mother there over the partner there is likely a reason for it. Either the father hasn't properly given the support to make the woman confident he is the best person to be there for her....

Or like Dh they faff when stressed (which stresses me out) and go a bit white at blood and really you don't need that on top of everything,

How do I think it's going to be then bakingseals??

It's amazing how you know my own thoughts better than I do....