To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....

[Writerwannabe83]

....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?

I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.

I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.

When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.

Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.

I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?

Italwayspours. What a selfish arsehole, I can see why he is your ex! The midwives should not get involved like that. It's between you and him if you want him there. It's so odd that the midwives don't speak to each other and read your notes! They would make less mistakes.

I was a birthing partner for my best friend, me and her husband were there. We both felt more like we were attending because she mainly just wanted to be left alone when contracting. We tried to help the midwives and speak to them when she couldn't but you do feel a bit useless! Although after she said we were just how she needed us to be so that's what's important!

Men really can't do anything right in this website can they?

They want to be at the birth of their own children ahead of anyone else and they are controlling, yet if they don't want to be at the birth they are unsupportive.

It's ridiculous.

I would have thought that if you don't want your partner there above anyone else, for whatever reason, then you probably shouldn't be embarking on parenting with them.

at the risk of further provocation...i genuinely do understand the mother wanting her mother ...but...(and it might be from my sheltered pov)...if the person the the mother wants to help her through labour is not her partner/father of the child, then, to me, it raises questions about the strength of the relationship...

it's a strange reversal of ideas that now it would seem that women don't want their partners at birth anymore..perhaps its just a trend thing!

please understand, I am not against the mum's mum being there for the labour and DW and i were allowed to have her in the delivery room while delivering pfb who died intrapartum. I don't think we could have done it without her... but by the same token for the CS that followed for dd2 it was just us (with DMil about 3 minutes away and texting every 4 seconds) as it was a really really personal moment for us both...

I have 2 girls and I would love to be there for my daughters at such a wonderful time, mainly just for support. I would worry that seeing them in so much pain would be hard though but I would just suck it up for their sakes.
My mum missed all my children's births unfortunately, she could never get there on time because they were fairly quick and she lived very far away. Missed her but I just got on with it. My ex husband was there for them all. Bit of a spare part. I could easily have done it with just the midwives to be honest. Well I did with the 2nd one because he was downstairs looking after our daughter until his mum arrived but even then he was too busy being a good host but like I said I didn't care who was there. They were fairly straightforward births and I liked the just female coven type thing going on ;)

Before I went into labour dp was adamant that he did not want to come to theatre if I needed to have a c section. (not good with blood) Turns out I did. At the time my mam asked him again if he wanted to and he said no so my mam came in (at that point I couldnt of cared less who was there, I just wanted the bloody thing out!)

A few years later we were discussing it and he mentioned that he was gutted my mam had been there and accused her of pushing him out! Err no pet, you had your chance.

Though I do feel sorry for those who want to be but cant.

My poor friend was coerced into having her mil at dc2s birth...shudder...

I understand the 18 year old wanting her mother. It was probably the best choice for her , have a sensible mother rather than her teenage boyfriend who was equally tired and couldn't provide any comfort.

I had my daughter when I was 17 and my then boyfriend was my birth partner. I don't have a relationship with my own family, so had no choice for another birth partner, but I remember resenting having to comfort him during labour when things got a bit hairy, make sure he wasn't getting bored and generally looking after him when I needed someone to care for ME. He oissed about when I was in transition and tried to make me laugh by putting a sick bowl on his head. I snarled at him and the midwife made him to and sit by the window and shouted at him to stop winding me up.

He also nicked my tea and toast once dd was born.

To be honest I would have much rather his mother had been my birth partner, she would have been far more comforting and helpful. If I had another baby I probably wouldn't have DP in the room. I think I would much rather have another woman.

It's got nothing to do with the man, seeing his baby being born. The whole of labour is about the mother and the baby. It's not some experience every man should have on his bucket list IMO.

I have great respect for all the partners who are there at the births. I think it is very hard to see someone you love in great pain and in a totally different state to how they are normally. My labours were somewhat longwinded and boring. Having my husband there to talk to was brilliant otherwise I would have been very lonely. He was fantastic at DS1 delivery, as the midwives were fiddling about with my drip so he was at the business end and told me to push. Actually I think he'd make a good midwife.

I would not want to be with someone I loved who was giving birth. The stress! A stranger, fine but really it's far easier to be in pain yourself than to witness someone you love going through it as you must feel so helpless . As for those partners who witness a very difficult birth, near death situations, trauma, etc, it must be hellish to be in a state of unknowing. I think there should be a bit more consideration and communication given to partners as if they feel traumatised or excluded this could affect the relationship with wife and child long term. I think getting the man's perspective is very helpful. Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than having my mother there.

A woman not wanting her partner/husband there doesn't necessarily mean anything about the state to their relationship,'what a stupid comment.

For a long time men weren't allowed to be at the birth anyway, and traditionally women have been supported by other women in labour and there is research to suggest that women labour better when supported by a close female and not their partner.

Giving birth can be the most vulnerable time in a woman's life and whatever she needs to do to get through it is fine, some want their mothers, others have partners or friends etc.

I had my partner and a friend for one birth, my partner and son for another and just my partner for my other three. Dp didn't do anything other than just be there, NO-ONE is allowed to talk to me when I am in labour! At one point he was very good at pouring war, water on my back and I gripped onto his upper arm in one labour, apparently that hurt but he didn't dare say anything!

I chose to have my partner there are I felt instinctivley 'protected' by having him there, his presence made me feel safer, but others dotn feel the same, some women want to be alone or feel more comfortable without their partners there and that is fine and should be respected.

Fwiw I could NEVER have my mum there, the thought fills me with horror, but others feel differently I get that.

Ultimately no one has a right to be at a labour/birth.

justmature am so sorry for the loss of your firstborn daughter.

The only person whose views matter during labour is the one who is trying to get a human being from inside her body to outside. Everyone else needs to park their egos for one day and get on with it.

Too often women (and especially mothers) are cast in the role of making everyone else happy and putting their own needs last. If ever there is a time when the mother's needs get to come first it is in childbirth.

5mad the idea of mum being there in labour fills me with horror too. I love her, but I'd probably have to beat her to death with my placenta.

I don't think anyone is dissing men in general, people are simply unimpressed with the OP's partner's 'hypothetical' way of saying what he would and would not 'allow' when she was giving birth. She has been doing an awful lot of back-pedalling, and sure, it was a throwaway comment, but it would make my hackles rise big time.

It isn't like going in a date to have a 'couple experience', it's about one person trying to a baby out safely, and needing the support she needs, whether that is her OH, her mother, a squad of cheerleaders, the Dalai Lama....

Lol hop same here, I would have ended up throwing the gas and air canister at her! Lovleu as she is!

With dpe it was just his physical presence I needed, rather irrationally the fact that he is 6ft tall and I am only little means his presence makes me feel protected somehow, which is exactly how I need to feel in labour.

"I'm also astonished at the number of people on here who are/were prepared to force the father of their child to miss his own baby's birth"

Oh how utterly selfish of women to put them and their babies needs ahead of anyone else! How dare they!

Yeah, see, DH is too much of a stress head in these situations. I felt like I constantly had to explain what was happening and that it was normal etc, and he had that 'are you OK? Is everything OK? face and in the end I just felt like trying to manage his feelings during labour was more than I could deal with. If we ever had another (and that's not really likely) I's probably need to brief him before hand on perhaps not looking so worried all the time and not talking to me at all.

I thought of this thread last night, we were watching the David Attenborough programme when it showed the elephant placenta and he had to close his eyes and ask me when it had gone!
Now this is the man who has put his hands inside a cow to turn a calf, has been present during the labours of a variety of farm animals, has supported me through 2 labours and was in the same room while the midwife went through the procedure of checking my placenta with the student midwife who was also present (home birth, her first, and mine!).
I found myself wondering how we didn't have to pick him up off the floor in the labour room...

He could wear a balaclava so you can't see his face

Dp def got scared/nervous but was good at dealing with it bit he freely admits he doesn't lkek seeing me give birth and would qquite happily not be there, he supported me because I wanted him to.

The person having the baby gets to decide.

Everyone else can get over it.

I just can't imagine wanting anyone but my husband with me. Another poster said that when a person is at their most scared it is natural they turn to their mom, but I don't, I turn to my husband. The importance of my relationship with him far outweighs the relationships I have with my parents or other family members.

Im 20 weeks pregnant and I can't bear the thought of labouring without my husband there, I can't imagine being able to do it without him. He is so good at keeping me calm and focused and I just know he will be brilliant. And I can't wait to see his face when his little baby is born and passed to him - it will just mean everything to him.

However, I completely understand that some men may be horrendous in the labour process and fair play to those that will admit it. I think that's probably why women are allowed 2 birthing partners, so both the dad can be the but also that the woman has someone to mentally support her through it. I have no issues with this at all...like I said, I just feel bad when the dads miss the birth when the other 'supporter' is given priority over him when only one person is allowed to be present.

BackforGood, I had my mum and dh there because if one of them needed to go out of the room for any reason I was terrified of being left on my own. My mum is also a midwife and a lioness when it comes to her children - I knew she would fight my corner if needed.

Dh was amazing too and we did it alone send time around.

I know several people in RL who had their mums with them tbh.

I have two boys so doubt it would be an issue for me when GC arrive but I think I would make a crap birth partner anyway so would try and dissuade DIL from asking me !

My husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be at the birth of DD - he had some odd traditional thing in his head about being in a waiting room waiting to be told them going off down the pub for a cigar and a celebratory beer . Then he changed his mind and wanted to be there.

Given that he was unsupportive, unhelpful and sometimes cruel all the way through my pregnancy (kicking my handbag underneath the bed so I had to crawl to get it is one example), I started to feel nervous about having him there at the birth. Would have preferred my mum. Swallowed that feeling and hoped he would 'come through' on the big day.

Except he didn't. Yelled at me during labour and hid in a corner for most of it, and I had a straightforward birth. I'd have been happier on my own. I remember crying for my mum at one point.

Based on my own personal experience, OP is BU. Didn't see this episode of OBEM but I can understand why a woman in labour would want her mum. Woman in labour must take precedence over the Dad - he's not the one with a small person shooting out of him.

I heard the story about"daddy"
who had been pushed out during the labour because
Two weeks into pregnancy "daddy" said to his girlfriend go and kill "it"

This thread has made me think of a hypothetical situation where I have my DM in the room instead of my DH. She's a lovely woman, but can't cope in a crises at all, and is very squeamish. And she'd probably have nipped out for a cigarette at all the crucial moments! Of course, in a perfect world, the woman would want her DP there, and they would want to be there and be a great help, but if she wants someone else, well, it's her call.

ninil I hope he is now an ex!

Soon to be Visualise . And he can't understand why I don't want to have another baby with him either!