To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....

[Writerwannabe83]

....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?

I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.

I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.

When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.

Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.

I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?

Goldenhandshake Your mother thought she had a right to be at the birth of your child? I'm quite shocked at that. I considered it to be a gift and an honour to see my grandchildren being born, certainly not a right.

Dd1 invited me along for the births of both her children, her DP was also there. Her first labour was long and hard; her DP said later he was grateful I was there. I think it helped them both to have something there on 'their side', someone who'd gone through it. There were hours when her DP looked utterly lost and a bit terrified. When he backed off, I could give him space and dd1 was fully supported. With her second birth, I was much more an observer, as her DP was far more confident and involved. I actually think her DP and I bonded during the whole thing.

OP, if my DH said that to me I would seriously have to question why I married him. He thinks a labouring woman should not have the right to choose who is with her when she is giving birth, but should be forced to have her husband regardless? YABU.

He sounds like a spoiled and controlling arse.

He isn't chair,an, I promise, lol - he just lacks female perspective. I imagine most men don't have much understanding of labour or what fear it brings. And like I have said a few times in the thread, it was all being said in a hypothetical rant. He would never say it to me if he genuinely thought I wanted someone at the birth instead of him and had valid reasons - he wouldn't dare

I had a fairly good understanding of what labour entailed before I had my own. Any man who can't work up enough empathy to go along with what his partner wants or needs at that time is a knobhead.

I didn't want anyone with me but the midwife. I don't know what my ex's opinion was on that. I never asked him, and if he did feel sorry for himself sat outside while I was near haemorraging to death, he was sensible enough not to tell me!

To be totally honest I didn't want anyone but the midwives when I was in labour, DH actually missed one of the births as it was so quick and in all honesty I was fine, he was so upset at missing it though that I felt really bad for not being that bothered about him being there.
Having said that (and probably sounding heartless) he was there for the other 2 and was the only person I would ever want or need. Despite being hopeless with bodily fluids he was a total rock ( and saved the midwife from being brained with the breathing tube..).
My mum would be outwardly ok and be there but inwardly very much not ok with being asked to be at the birth, we're close but not that close IYSWIM.

I had mum and partner for ds1 ... When I was wheeled of to theatre for an emergency csec it was my mum that I needed. I'm sorry to say at that point I was the most important person in the room and I wanted my mum who I 100% trusted would be looking out for ME and what was best for ME and would shout about it until someone listened to her. I was in no fit state to look out for myself! While I love my dh to bits he was far far too emotionally stressed to be able to offer me the same support. It did mean he was abandoned stressed and concerned about me and baby for 2 hours.....before anyone finally went and told him we were ok.
By ds2 who was a planned section he came with me to theatre while my mum looked after ds1

I know what you mean dobbies,um - I couldn't imagine anything more awkward than my mom being present whilst I was giving birth! I'm glad your husband was such good support, your post bought a nice smile to my face

...he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born...

DH appears to have 'forgiven' me I made him miss both DCs births by having a GA for my first EMCS by demanding "whatever will be quickest" and by choosing a GA at the last second for my next EMCS as the anaesthetist was horrible.

I think if a woman is more comfortable with her mother than they are the appropriate person to be there. Fatherhood is about so much more than seeing them being born!

I'd be quite happy with just HCPs quite honestly. DH gets to be there for his benefit, not mine: I don't rely on him, but myself (hypnobirthing) with professionals for backup.

L&D isn't a spectator sport and nobody has a right to be there.

So yes, I don't understand why someone would prioritise her mother over the baby's father in labour/delivery, although that may have to do with the nature of my relationship with DM. And I think it is sad for anyone to be rejected as a birth partner partway through the process, whoever they are.

It's still weird to say he wouldn't allow you in a hypothetical situation. "Allowing" wouldn't come into a hypothetical rant for someone who isn't controlling. Wouldn't cross their minds to even consider permission.

Only on MN does a poster mention her DH commenting on a completely hypothetical situation that would NEVER happen given the OP's choices and still get her husband called MN's favourite "controlling".

I know candy , I'm waiting for the first LTB !

My cases are packed, I can't believe I was stupid enough to marry such a controlling woman hater!!

My mum & dh were there; I wanted my mum more!!

Dh is a doctor & has seem childbirth; he labelled it disgusting!! Mature. He isn't a patient person & likes things smooth & orderly. He shouted at me more than once & forced me to go into hospital before I wanted to (I was in pain & he wore me down), whereupon they promptly sent me home again. He didn't hug me, rub my back etc at all. & got really really cross when I refused an instrumental. (I'm an obstetric doctor so I know what I was doing & baby delivered normally with only an episiotomy).

Have to say he has been a brilliant dad from day 1 & is besotted with our boy. He also does his full share of childcare. He wasn't that fussed about being there at the birth & truthfully I would have only been a little upset if he wasn't.

My mum was fab!!! Dh had no issue with her being there (it let him off the sympathy stuff-his words!) & dh gets on really well with her. She hugged me, rubbed my back, gave me sips of water & never critised me refusing instrumental, epidural etc although she thought that's what I should have done. She really is the nicest lady ever; everyone loves my mum!!

As an obstetrician I can say that more people seen to have 2+ birthing partners than don't. A emergency caesarean is sometimes stressful & there's lots of crucial staff needed. Some labour ward theatres are not much bigger than a labour room so extra unnecessary people can't be present. The mother & baby take priority not the extra birthing partner, no matter who they are or how upset they are.

Writer Well, now you know! I'm surprised he hasn't been accused of being a misogynistic emotional abuser yet.

It's not that I don't think that some men are controlling arses because I know some men are but on here, people are so quick to jump to conclusions. Hasn't nearly everyone made a throwaway comment about something emotional that they don't really mean?

I do dislike men who say they want to be there to "see it" or "for the experience" though.
It tells me they have no idea.

I'm just amazed on OBEM,etc., how many people have their mother in with them.
It's such a personal and intense thing, that (where a couple are still a couple) I can't understand why anyone would want anyone else in there. You Mum has had her turn, in giving birth to you! My dh was SUCH a rock, and actually know a lot more details about all of our dcs births than I do.
In RL, I'm not aware of anyone whose Mum muscled her way in to the delivery suite in cases where the baby's Dad was there.

I felt very, very sorry for my (now ex) DP during the last labour.

His job was far harder emotionally than mine. I feel very guilty about that, which is fucking ridiculous, of course.

The only person to look after our eldest was his folks who would take 1.5 hours to get there, so I had a friend take me to hospital while he waited for his mum to arrive.

His mum arrived, he set on his way and his car broke down 3 times on the way there. But this time Id been away from him for nearly 2 hours so he ditched the car and ran the last 5 miles.

Be got there, 13 minutes before he was born, which meant the last time he saw me Id been talking calmly between contractions to me screaming for him and howling through contractions to growl pushing ending in long screeches. Lovely. Then the baby got stuck half way out, he had to drag me up after the midwife was shouting at me to stand, the babys head and arm were hanging out cord tight round his neck 3 times, they cut it, he fell out grey and lifeless. They took 2 minutes to resasitate him while I was crying 'whats wrong with my baby?! Is he dead?!'

After 2 minutes of resas he started breathing and he was passed to me.

For me, I went from the doolally world of contractions to 2 minutes of panic to a blissfully happy albeit temporarily damaged baby at my breast.

Where as his poor father was a wreck. Then had to walk 5 miles to a broken down car and wait 2 hours for the AA to come out all after no sleep at all.

Everytime I think of that time, or re tell it my heart really swells for him. Despite him being my ex he is a brilliant person (crap partner, but lets not go there ;-) ) and no one should go through that stress.

So OP, I agree. YANBU.

I'm also astonished at the number of people on here who are/were prepared to force the father of their child to miss his own baby's birth so that their DM could be there..!

I would have loved to be at my DGC births - but of course my DC wanted their DPs with them - just as I did when they were born.

I had my DC with their DF there -- how could I possibly make my DGC's DFs miss an event as massive as the birth of their children..??? I can think of nothing more selfish...and more likely to lead to the breakdown of their relationships

If a man can't understand that when a woman is at her most vulnerable she may not want him there then I wouldnt want to be with him anyway.

No man or woman has any right to be with a labouring woman! It is entirely her choice who she has with her, if anyone at all and if a man couldn't accept that then he isnt the type of man I would want to be with anyway.

Thankfully I dont need to worry as my partner was happy to support me in my choices for childbirth, even if they were not what he would have chosen, he recognised that is was my body and my choice.

writerwannabe
We had a standing joke that he could deliver the baby, being a farmers son he's birthed a few animals in his time!with his eyes shut
And I can see why your DH would say that, even hypothetically, if has in his own mind an image of you being together to bring your child into the world and for him to be the one to help you do it then I can perfectly understand why he would be so dead set against anyone else being there in his place. Might not have been the best choice of words but I can see how he would feel.
It's amazing how the wrong wording can give other people such a bad impression..

I had both my mum and my DH with me at DDs birth. And I've got to say, my mum was about 100 times more useful than DH

No sympathy. Been there for all three of my DCs' births, there wasn't a question of space in the room. The MiL was there for the first two. I'm pretty sure that if space had been an issue (ex)DW would have had her mum with her. Wanting yer dear ol' mum when things are crappy is pretty normal. (Wanting my mother present for anything isn't normal at all, unless it's a situation where having a nearly-homicidal nutter would be useful, I like to think I could only have grown up stronger if I'd been named Sue).

And, although I was there for all three and wouldn't have missed that first opening of their eyes for anything, as regards the actual proceedings I was tits on a bull from soup to nuts other than providing a convenient target for punching/biting/swearing at/gripping hard enough to draw blood. If someone had to be tossed out to make room for Serious Medical Stuff, I was the logical choice. And I'd've not been able to respect mysef for any response other than silent, manly stoicism.

When it comes down to something as utterly biological as birth, a man really has to fall back on stereotype and suck it up with a stiff upper lip.

Someone (none hcp)whose main reason for being there is to observe the experience as opposed to help and support me would not be welcome to be there, no matter who they are.

And I don't care how much they want to,or feel they are entitled to they can bugger off.

Well I wish I had asked my Mum to be my birthing partner. My exH was next to useless when DS was born.

He slept through the night (after complaining to anyone who would listen that he was tired) - while I had to stay up and help the midwife get a clearer idea on what was happening to DS' heart rate which was very unstable (vague now it was nearly 7 years ago, but he reacted to the contraction drugs in a bad way).

Then when he woke in the morning - having missed all we learnt about it in the night (we finally managed to find the right level that meant it would still work but didn't send his heart rate so low), He just stood by when another new midwife came in and said "well that is way too low" and turned up the drug that caused the problems despite me telling her no and trying to explain (she actually interrupted me, said "don't be silly dear, I know what I'm doing" and talked over me to check he was ok/had rested) then walked straight out of the room.

Needless to say - DS heart rate reacted exactly as I expected - but I still had to shout at xH to get him to go and get the midwife back quickly - when she did come back - saw it and said "oh sorry - how strange, and put it back to the level we had it at to begin with". I didn't see her again thankfully because I was fuming at that point with both of them and made it very clear I didn't want her near me again.

But the icing on the cake was when the time came and they decided that I needed an EMCS. We had discussed this at length prior to me being in labour - I had made it very clear that I didn't want to do it alone if it came to that (knew it was a possibility) and had already agreed that I wouldn't ask my Mum along as he promised he wouldn't leave me (had given him the option). Yep that's right - just as they had told me that DS oxygen levels were too low and his heartrate problems meant that they couldn't wait any longer, one of the midwife's asked if he would join me. I said "yes" he "ummed" so she replied "Don't feel you have to go in if you aren't sure you can" - he took that get out clause even though I kept saying to him I needed him there. So I did it alone.

I never did forgive him for it. And to add insult to injury - because they were still "tidying me up" - he got the first cuddle.

At a vulnerable and scary time - you need to have people around you that are going to help and support you.