DH leaving for work before our nanny was 'on duty'

[LifeTooShort]

DH and I both work long hours in senior positions in the legal profession.

We have 3 year old twin DDs.

Since having the DDs I have dropped down to 4 days a week. On the days that I work we are heavily reliant on our wonderful live-in nanny who works from 7.30am to 7.30pm plus 2 late nights a week. On the other nights DH and I take it in turns to be home on time. We also share the childcare at the weekend. DH is a great dad and the DDs adore him.

Because I often get home after the DDs are in bed, I almost always spend time with them in the morning. Unusually, this morning I had to leave very early for a meeting so I crept out before the DDs were awake. I told them yesterday before that I would be leaving while they were sleeping and said that I would be home before bedtime instead.

I have just telephoned the DDs and DD1 told me that when she came into my bedroom this morning - she always comes in the minute her Gro clock switches to daytime at 7.30am - both me and daddy were gone.

It turns out that as I disturbed DH as I was leaving he decided to leave for work early too. He said he left a few minutes before 7.30am and the DDs were fast asleep. That means that technically there was no one responsible for the DDs in the few minutes before our nanny started work.

The DDs have been taught not to go to the nanny's room as that is her private space but I'm sure that if there had been a problem the DDs would have made enough noise to catch the nanny's attention and she would have come down to them. But what if, for example, she had woken up unwell this morning, or if she was unwilling to take charge of the DDs before her actual start time of 7.30am? If I'd known that DH wanted to leave early I could have asked the nanny to start a few minutes earlier and I'm sure she would have agreed.

There is no harm done. DD1 will have been wondering where we were for a couple of minutes but will have forgotten about it as soon as she saw her beloved nanny (although she remembered to tell me on the telephone). But AIBU to think that DH was wrong for leaving until our nanny was on duty and should not have assumed that because the DDs were asleep it would be fine to leave a few minutes early.

The problem is that the professional childcarer did not know she was in charge. The women at my DS's nursery always formally handover care, even if it's just "I'm off on my break. You're in charge, ok?" So that there is no doubt about the care being in place.

He should have told the nanny he was going/she was in charge.

If I was a nanny and came downstairs at 7.30am to find two children and no parent in sight I would be a bit and wonder exactly how long they had been left for.

if he needed to go earlier than usual it would have been more sensible to call the nanny first. I do think though that your children should be able to knock on the nanny's door if they need her.

What everlong said. I struggle to see a problem tbh.

Children shouldn't have to "need" to knock on the nanny's door when she is off duty though Louise, as when she is off duty, there should be a parent on duty!

The problem is that, unlike a parent, a nanny isn't automatically on duty if it's outside her working hours. She has to be asked to be.

First, it is taking the piss to assume someone is 'on' 24/7 just because they live in your house

Second, a nanny who is not yet working would not assume she had to be the one to respond. Imagine the situation: enormous crash from downstairs at 7.20. Nanny thinks "Oh dear, what's happened there then" and finishes drying her hair. Unlike a parent, she doesn't immediately dash downstairs, because she's not working yet and she assumes (as she should be entitled to) that the parents are dealing with it. Five minutes later, she turns off the hairdryer and realises child is still crying. Goes downstairs to find child has smacked herself on the head with a heavy toy and is screaming blue murder. And that she is the only adult in the house...

Or, nanny thinks "It's 7.15, just time to nip to the post box before work", and comes home at 7.25 to realise she just left the children unattended in an empty house because no one warned her they were leaving....

YNBU
I had this happen when I lived in. The dad left the house at 8pm without checking I was in and then rang me at 8:30 to find out if the kids were asleep yet.Luckily I was up in my room (third floor) and went down to find the baby playing on the floor, older kids had climbed into bed themselves. I had a boyfriend & best friend who lived down the road so I often just went straight out. He was very lucky nothing bad happened.

The second time he did it, with no apology and after I'd already spoken with them about it, I started looking for a new job and handed my notice in a month later.

I even warn DH if I'm popping out, just so he knows there's no-one else around to deal with any untoward noises or crashes. He does the same with me, especially if he's mowing the lawn or similar so I know he won't hear noises from the house. I'll also tell him if I'm sitting down to feed the baby, just so if DD1 yells out he doesn't assume I'm on it.

So I'd be even more likely to tell someone who in theory isn't even supposed to be there for a while if I was leaving her in charge.

It's the same as when I used to sleep at people's houses when I babysat (which I did from time to time, especially if it was going to be really late by the time they got home). If I was really tired, I'd go to bed, and read, but if I heard a noise, I got up and checked it out. Once the parents were home, I might carry on reading but now, if I heard a noise, I wouldn't bother going to see what it was because the parents were there and I'd handed responsibility back to them. It's not about having someone 'awake and on duty' - it's about someone in the house knowing they need to investigate odd noises or deal with an issues. Even if the nanny was asleep, it's the difference between waking up to a crash and getting up to see what caused it, and waking up to a crash and thinking "Their dad is still here so I'll grab another 10 minutes sleep".

He shouldn't really have gone, and if he really needed to, he should have warned her.

Firstly, thanks to those of you who have provided constructive comments. Even if you disagree with me, it is always useful to have a range of perspectives.

Our nanny called me at lunchtime to share some fabulous news about the DDs and I mentioned it to her and apologised for DH's daft behaviour. When I got home tonight I raised it again, told her how sorry I was and assured her that I would speak to DH to make sure it never happened again. She said she had been a bit when she realised we weren't home but did not indicate that she was annoyed or upset in any way. I feel that our working relationship is sufficiently open that she would have told me if she felt truly aggrieved.

In his defence, I don't think DH was consciously making assumptions about or taking 'the piss' out of the nanny. The (wrong) assumption that he made was that the DDs would sleep for another few minutes so it wouldn't matter if there was no one home with direct responsibility. He ignored all the disaster scenarios that would have been at the forefront of my mind. He was wrong. We will discuss it. It shouldn't happen again.

For those of you telling me to calm down or not get worked up, I am not sure which part of my OP suggests that I was either. I expressed a view in what I believe was a calm and measured manner and asked for your opinions. Is there any reason why we have to get 'worked up' rather than engaging in a sensible debate?

It's great you have a good open relationship with her - treat her well (as you seem to be doing) and she'll be much more likely to treat your home and family well too.

Mutual respect is key, and you seem to be on that.

OP
You clearly have a system that works well, when everybody remembers where the boundaries lie and keep each other informed.

Your DH left the house without informing you, the children, or the nanny that he was not 'covering his shift'.

For that he was a prat.

Luckily no harm came of it but it must be made clear to everybody that 'handovers' are agreed by both parties in a clear manner always

Perhaps taking the piss isn't fair. Thoughtless towards her certainly though.

And it can be a slippery slope from one to the other. My old nanny had a previous boss who started out with the odd little delay, and slowly started just wandering off the shops at the weekend without telling the nanny, etc (when the nanny wasn't working) because it was 'only 5 minutes'. The nanny ended up feeling like she was never off duty, and moved on as a result.

Penguins is right. An employee needs to know when they are on duty. Even with multiple adults, in our house, I say to DH, "I'm in the bath, are you on deck?" so he knows I am not available for the inevitable screams.

Blimey Penguins we just aren't like that. Great nannies are worth their weight in gold. We have been incredibly lucky bar one disaster who only lasted a week and value what we have.

I'm really glad to hear it. I have friends who have worked as nannies and it is amazing how even good employers can 'drift', so most nannies will have had a bad experience at some point.

I think the thing is, your DH didn't see anything wrong with what he did. So if you'd not picked him up on it, he'd have done it again in the future. And while a one off isn't going to worry the nanny too much, repeats may well do.