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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH leaving for work before our nanny was 'on duty'

91 replies

LifeTooShort · 23/10/2013 09:32

DH and I both work long hours in senior positions in the legal profession.

We have 3 year old twin DDs.

Since having the DDs I have dropped down to 4 days a week. On the days that I work we are heavily reliant on our wonderful live-in nanny who works from 7.30am to 7.30pm plus 2 late nights a week. On the other nights DH and I take it in turns to be home on time. We also share the childcare at the weekend. DH is a great dad and the DDs adore him.

Because I often get home after the DDs are in bed, I almost always spend time with them in the morning. Unusually, this morning I had to leave very early for a meeting so I crept out before the DDs were awake. I told them yesterday before that I would be leaving while they were sleeping and said that I would be home before bedtime instead.

I have just telephoned the DDs and DD1 told me that when she came into my bedroom this morning - she always comes in the minute her Gro clock switches to daytime at 7.30am - both me and daddy were gone.

It turns out that as I disturbed DH as I was leaving he decided to leave for work early too. He said he left a few minutes before 7.30am and the DDs were fast asleep. That means that technically there was no one responsible for the DDs in the few minutes before our nanny started work.

The DDs have been taught not to go to the nanny's room as that is her private space but I'm sure that if there had been a problem the DDs would have made enough noise to catch the nanny's attention and she would have come down to them. But what if, for example, she had woken up unwell this morning, or if she was unwilling to take charge of the DDs before her actual start time of 7.30am? If I'd known that DH wanted to leave early I could have asked the nanny to start a few minutes earlier and I'm sure she would have agreed.

There is no harm done. DD1 will have been wondering where we were for a couple of minutes but will have forgotten about it as soon as she saw her beloved nanny (although she remembered to tell me on the telephone). But AIBU to think that DH was wrong for leaving until our nanny was on duty and should not have assumed that because the DDs were asleep it would be fine to leave a few minutes early.

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 23/10/2013 10:07

Your DH was wrong. There has to be a formal handover, everyone needs to know where they are. (I au paired for twins, and we had a similar morning arrangement). It is very unfair for an employee to be put in the position of being the responsible adult without knowing it, if you see what I mean.

evertonmint · 23/10/2013 10:09

We only have a 3yo's version of events at the moment.

Don't condemn the DH until we know if he left without talking to the nanny first. If he did that, he's an utter idiot and deserves being shouted at. If he did speak to her, he's not an idiot but should be reminded not to take the piss. Also leaving just before 7.30 to get the train is a bit different to leaving at 7 in terms of whether you're asking the nanny to do a favour or not. 7.27 is essentially 7.30 anyway. I'm sure she has clocked off at say 7.27pm before now. I'd be surprised if anyone clock watches their working hours to the minute.

evertonmint · 23/10/2013 10:11

Actually just re-read the OP again (forgotten exact wording after reading the whole thread!) - ignore me. It sounds like he didn't talk to the nanny. He's an idiot.

DreamingofSummer · 23/10/2013 10:11

You "work long hours in a senior position in the legal profession" yet can find the time and find it necessary to post on here on a trivial matter which you should sort out between the two of you when you get home!

blahblahblah2014 · 23/10/2013 10:12

I dont know why you are making an issue about nothing? They were not left alone in the house, the same as if mum/dad etc wasn't up and about yet - Really, is this worth the screentime??

Salmotrutta · 23/10/2013 10:13

How long was this "few minutes" - because if it really was just a few minutes the Nanny would surely have been almost ready to go on duty.

Not that this is fair on her BUT makes a small difference regarding safety issues.

So I'd be pointing out it isn't fair to the nanny unless she had agreed as a one-off and if it was more than 5 minutes or so the children wouldn't have had anyone to "go to" if they needed an adult.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 23/10/2013 10:13

I would be really cross at this.

Your nanny may live in, but she has working hours and a right to a private life when not working. You don't just leave her in charge without her knowing. Nor, in fact, do you just mention it to her. As you would with a live out nanny, you politely ask if it is ok for her to start a little bit early. He is taking the piss because she happens to live with you.

It is also scary for a child, even at 3, to find that there is no parent there when they expected there to be.

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:20

It is also scary for a child, even at 3, to find that there is no parent there when they expected there to be

this the 3 yr old expected to see dad when she got up he wasn't there he assumed the nanny would be around and didn't really think about how the 3yr old would feel, I Know it was only a few minutes but this is quite important to a childs routine of whats happening

DoJo · 23/10/2013 10:21

I'm more surprised that a nanny working for 12+ hours a day hasn't already called to rip you a new one! She must be very dedicated...

DoJo · 23/10/2013 10:22

Sorry - I meant a collective 'you' as in you as parents, not you personally seeing as it was your husband who was remiss.

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:22

but she might get 3 days off because the op only works 4 days it isn't unusual for shifts to be 12 hrs these days

LCHammer · 23/10/2013 10:35

I don't get this. How do 3 year olds stay in their rooms until they are 'allowed' out? I find that a bit cruel TBH. Unless I've massively misunderstood.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 23/10/2013 10:38

Our 3 year old had this rule. I don't think it was cruel. She came out if there was a problem, she had a nightmare, or she needed the loo or whatever, obviously.

But she knew that until her clock said 7 it wasn't morning and it was important, if she woke up, to try and get back to sleep so she had lots of energy for the day. If she couldn't, as long as it was at least a 6 she could play quietly, but it was quiet time not morning.

Never upset her.

Original poster

LifeTooShort · 23/10/2013 10:39

Thanks everyone. It's good to get some different perspectives because I can be a nag. I shall have a calm discussion about it with DH later to explain that whilst any risk was slight, no risk is worth it, and we also have to respect the boundaries we have set with out nanny.

We are lucky that the DDs rarely come out of their room before 7.30 and if they do we generally send them back Delete: except when I can't resist having a snuggle in bed with them. The Gro clock changes at 7.30 and our nanny comes down at 7.30 but they won't be perfectly synchronised and could be out by a couple of minutes either way.

I haven't spoken to DH yet but I did text him to ask if he left early and his response was "I left just before 7.30. They were both snoring! x" so there is no doubt it happened.

I'm sure that if we had asked our nanny to listen out she would have been fine about it. I suspect DH didn't want to knock and disturb her while she was probably getting dressed and made the wrong judgment call.

I hope we have a good relationship with our nanny and there is plenty of give and take. Today was extremely unusual and we never deviate from her fixed hours without prior agreement and time off on lieu or overtime.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:41

I don't know what the gro thing is al about but i am assuming it is like an alarm clock so the wee ones wake up when it comes on, and sleeping till 7 30 isn't exactly late is it

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:43

and I am sure if their was a problem then the children will go and see their parents they are not locked in My dds were not allowed to get up for the day before it was light was a bugger in the summer though I ended up getting them alarm clocks

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 23/10/2013 10:43

TBH, I would lead with the argument that it's taking the piss out of the nanny.

Ex-lawyer here, I know all my male colleagues told "it's a small risk, but not worth it" would automatically go into lawyer-argument-mode and try to say that you were being unreasonable and irrational about assessing risk.

I would go with:

You are taking the piss out of the nanny. If she didn't live here, you'd have to ask about her starting early. This is no different;
It's not fair on the nanny to be in charge of the children without knowing she's in charge of the children. She was 'off duty', she wasn't listening out for them, etc.
It could have been scary for your DD to wake up and find no parent where she expected someone.

Then add risk on the end.

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:45

TBH, I would lead with the argument that it's taking the piss out of the nanny.

just really is what he was doing up and out with no thought which would get right on my wick

allmycats · 23/10/2013 10:48

You say that the child ALWAYS comes into your room at 7.30, you say
that the Nanny starts work at 7.30, therefore the Nanny must be up and about at this time.

Child gets up at 7.30, Nanny starts at 7.30 (so must be around at this time)

I would not make a big deal over this but tell your DH to ensure that the Nanny knows he is leaving (and the same with you if the situation arises).

Artandco · 23/10/2013 10:52

Oh and also, I have been a live in nanny before. It doesn't nessesarily mean she will be in. Could have stayed out the night before, could have popped to corner shop for something etc, knowing she just has to be back by 7.30am. So may be out still at 7.20am.

KitZacJak · 23/10/2013 10:53

Also, sounds like your daughters were expecting to see him in the morning so seems a bit mean that he sneaked out without waiting till 7.30am. My children would be really upset if they were expecting to see us in the morning and we weren't there - I take it as you explained you wouldn't be there you also told them your husband would be?

lunar1 · 23/10/2013 10:56

Did he actually see the nanny before he left? How did he know she was there?

What if she had a family emergency and left the house at 3am, if he didn't see her then how did he know she was there?

LauraShigihara · 23/10/2013 10:59

He really should have tapped on the nanny's door and said, 'I am ready for work a bit early, girls are still snoozing, so if it's ok with you I am going to sneak off' rather than just hope that the other adult in the house would magically realise that he was gone.

And if she said no, I am not starting till 7.30, he would be on duty until then.

In fact, in this house, the adults will always say that they are leaving so that the other parent knows they are in charge.

JeanSeberg · 23/10/2013 11:03

He said he left a few minutes before 7.30am

What time did you leave the house? IE what is the earliest he could have left, are you sure it really was just a few minutes before 7.30?

LeBearPolar · 23/10/2013 11:04

I am just amazed by children who will stay in their room until 7.30 am and get sent back if they come in before this!

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