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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving for work before our nanny was 'on duty'

91 replies

LifeTooShort · 23/10/2013 09:32

DH and I both work long hours in senior positions in the legal profession.

We have 3 year old twin DDs.

Since having the DDs I have dropped down to 4 days a week. On the days that I work we are heavily reliant on our wonderful live-in nanny who works from 7.30am to 7.30pm plus 2 late nights a week. On the other nights DH and I take it in turns to be home on time. We also share the childcare at the weekend. DH is a great dad and the DDs adore him.

Because I often get home after the DDs are in bed, I almost always spend time with them in the morning. Unusually, this morning I had to leave very early for a meeting so I crept out before the DDs were awake. I told them yesterday before that I would be leaving while they were sleeping and said that I would be home before bedtime instead.

I have just telephoned the DDs and DD1 told me that when she came into my bedroom this morning - she always comes in the minute her Gro clock switches to daytime at 7.30am - both me and daddy were gone.

It turns out that as I disturbed DH as I was leaving he decided to leave for work early too. He said he left a few minutes before 7.30am and the DDs were fast asleep. That means that technically there was no one responsible for the DDs in the few minutes before our nanny started work.

The DDs have been taught not to go to the nanny's room as that is her private space but I'm sure that if there had been a problem the DDs would have made enough noise to catch the nanny's attention and she would have come down to them. But what if, for example, she had woken up unwell this morning, or if she was unwilling to take charge of the DDs before her actual start time of 7.30am? If I'd known that DH wanted to leave early I could have asked the nanny to start a few minutes earlier and I'm sure she would have agreed.

There is no harm done. DD1 will have been wondering where we were for a couple of minutes but will have forgotten about it as soon as she saw her beloved nanny (although she remembered to tell me on the telephone). But AIBU to think that DH was wrong for leaving until our nanny was on duty and should not have assumed that because the DDs were asleep it would be fine to leave a few minutes early.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/10/2013 11:06

I don't get why you crept out of the house. If both of you leave before 7.30 you should inform your nanny and arrange to pay her overtime. I don't know why the DH is being blamed here. I think the responsibility must lie with both you and your DH to arrange things better.

MummytoMog · 23/10/2013 11:07

Yes, we always do a verbal handover and yes, he was taking the P. It's exactly the sort of thing my DH used to do with our live in, which drove me nuts.

My four year old can't actually get out of her room without help Shock we are obviously evil people although our two year old can get out of his room and generally lets the four year old out anyway

JoannaBaxterLovesBumsex · 23/10/2013 11:07

Does someone stay up all night to watch over the twins?

Am confused as you said there was an adult in the house. We all go to bed at night, nobody stays up watching over the children in most houses.

minniemagoo · 23/10/2013 11:08

Surely if Nanny starts at 7.30 she is up and awake and ready. Your Dh should have knocked and let her know. If there had been a fire would Nanny have left house without the kids assuming you or your Dh them. Unlikely scenario but shows the need to have 1 adult know they are in charge. Last person out lets nanny know.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 23/10/2013 11:15

Vivienne - Why it is the OP's fault? She had arranged and planned to leave early (I think 'crept' just means 'I was leaving early so I did it quietly).

SantiagoToots · 23/10/2013 11:19

Your husband was cheeky for leaving the nanny in charge before half seven , however - calm down! It's ok for nobody to be on duty - sometimes everyone's sleeping. It's not guard duty! Wink

JeanSeberg · 23/10/2013 11:20

I don't get why you crept out of the house

... so as not to wake everyone! Not because she wasn't letting them know she'd gone, she said she explained to the kids last night what was happening...

I told them yesterday before that I would be leaving while they were sleeping and said that I would be home before bedtime instead.

mummytime · 23/10/2013 11:22

I think he was wrong!
I often leave my 17 year old babysitting my 10 year old. He often isn't out of bed, but I always speak to him so he knows I have gone and he is in charge.
This is the very least your DH should have done.

If he does this often you could just "lose" your wonderful Nanny.

VisualiseAHorse · 23/10/2013 11:25

I'm confused. If the nanny starts work at 7.30, and the twins alarm goes off at 7.30, then isn't the nanny responsible for them as soon as they wake/come out of their room?

If twin one came into your room at 7.30, wasn't the nanny out of her living quarters already? Or just about to come out?

MadeOfStarDust · 23/10/2013 11:27

If he didn't speak to the nanny - did he at least check she was there???

She could have been out on a run, at the gym, or getting a paper, chocolate , anything....

So he may not have left them in the care of ANYONE..... becomes a different worry then.....

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 23/10/2013 11:32

He's in the wrong because he didn't take responsibility for his children, either by staying until the nanny was on duty or asking her to start a bit early as a one-off.

I also agree that from the nanny's point of view, 'a few minutes' could be more significant than it sounds. In her position I'd be slightly concerned that it was a slippery slope towards my employers gradually assuming more and more about my availability and flexibility.

Thumbwitch · 23/10/2013 11:34

I think he was wrong to do that, just assuming that the nanny would be ok to pick up the slack, it IS taking the piss and he shouldn't have done it.

I hope he can be made to understand that, OP - because no harm was done this time then that can be all that the other person will focus on (that's what my DH would do for sure) without seeing the bigger picture.

LittleBairn · 23/10/2013 11:36

As an ex life in Nanny even young children can be respectful of the nannies private space and not bother her. That's not regimented that's teachin a child basic good manners.

I wouldn't have been happy to be the nanny in this situation, fine if you have been asked beforehand. I have often technically been on duty while everyone slept but the kids would know to come wake me up of needed and I would know to check on them if I were concerned.

msrisotto · 23/10/2013 11:37

A couple of minutes as a one off, not a big deal. Just not again and shouldn't escalate.

LittleBairn · 23/10/2013 11:37

And to add a boss once did this to me assuming it was ok to pop to the shops because I was in the house. I then left the house too not realising I had been put on duty and bumped into the parent on the street.

Thumbwitch · 23/10/2013 11:38

Just having a slight memory of a thread on here where a child went missing for some time, because the parents had left her in charge of one adult "child" of the house, and he then left the house, leaving his younger ASLEEP brother "in charge" of her, but not telling him - so when the child escaped from the house, the ASLEEP brother, when he woke up, assumed the child had gone with the gone-out brother and raised no alarm.

Does anyone else remember that?

So, what I'm saying is that IF one or both of the twins had somehow managed to escape the house, or got themselves stuck/trapped somewhere, the nanny might have thought that Daddy had taken them somewhere and forgotten to mention it. Unlikely I know - but it COULD happen.

kiriwawa · 23/10/2013 11:38

You don't know how long he left before 7.30 really do you? If he popped his head in and both your children were asleep, it sounds like it was a lot earlier than 7.30 tbh

SolidGoldBrass · 23/10/2013 11:43

Your H was in the wrong because he spontaneously decided to leave early without telling anyone else. You had already informed the DC, your H and the nanny that you were leaving early, so if he wanted to leave early as well he should have said so the night before.

It's a bit entitled of him to decide that the nanny can just pick up the slack because she's there - it wasn't as if he had an emergency call to go in to work early.

Crowler · 23/10/2013 11:47

I don't think it's a big deal.

MadeOfStarDust · 23/10/2013 11:51

The big deal is that if he did not check that the nanny was there - he could have left 3 year old twins alone in the house.

Mimishimi · 23/10/2013 11:57

He should not have left until he confirmed that the nanny was up and ready to take care of the kids. Three is far too young to leave them to their own devices.

NeedlesCuties · 23/10/2013 12:02

I'd speak to the nanny, see what her feelings are about all this.

GoldiChops · 23/10/2013 12:06

Have to say OP- you sound a great employer simply for caring about the nanny's point of view in this. I've been a live-in before and had similar things happen- I worked weekends too, once the family went to church and left me batch cooking for the freezer. They came back, put the children (two toddlers) in the garden and went in the sitting room and closed the door. I didn't even know they were back! I'm cooking away and boss comes in the kitchen 'why are you in here? you should be out in the garden with the kids, they're too little to be alone'. I would have been if you'd told me!

This still gives me chills. The garden backs onto a grounds with a lake, with no railing or safety features. It's this casual idea that- nanny is in, therefore she knows she's in charge. NO SHE DOESN'T! If I was getting ready in the morning and heard the kids yelling and crying before my start time no way would I go out to see. That time is the parent's responsibility! I could have been in the shower, or out for a run, or popping to the shop.

One of the pluses of living in is the commute time, which means with a start time of 7.30 I'd be getting up at 7.20 to get dressed and go down, eat breakfast with the kids. So I'd be rushing round just before I started, getting ready, not hearing the children at all.

Grennie · 23/10/2013 12:23

I wouldn't speak to the nanny to get her feelings. Apparently good nannies are hard to find. You want to keep the one you have. Caring for twins will not be easy. So you don't want her to get annoyed and find somewhere else to work.

Mummyoftheyear · 23/10/2013 18:56

Dreamingofsummer: that was a bitter response, no? Jealous of someone with a good career?

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