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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in not allowing friends dh into my house, friend thinks I am.

73 replies

muginthemaking · 21/10/2013 18:39

Name changed

My best friend of 10 years has had a bit of a horrid few years, her dh and her have been having a few problems, 18 months ago she found out he was cheating on her, she confronted him they sorted it out and have muddled through since. About 4 weeks ago she came round all upset they had been rowing and he had grabbed her arm, she showed me the massive bruise, it made me feel sick, from what she was saying he has been highly critical of everything she does. They had an awful week and he lost his temper and slapped her round the face :( I have been there for her, she knows my view on what I think she should do (ie leave) but as she has 2 kids she feels she needs to stay and work on the marriage. We have had heated discussions on this and decided to draw a line under it and move on.

The problem is before the latest incidents we used to all get together as a four-some have a meal round each others house, it is our turn to be hosts and quite frankly after he has been violent to her on at least 2 occasions that I know of, I do not want him in my house of have anything to do with him, my blood is boiling when I think of him.

My friend is very upset and said its really not my concern what happens, and I should accept that as she has forgiven him I should too. I said its very hard when you are round here in tears covered in bruises. Its a social occasion that she has always looked forward to.

so AIBU in not wanting anything to do with him. DH is disgusted too and agrees with me.

OP posts:
impatienttobemummy · 21/10/2013 18:44

I agree with you, she is making excuses for him, that's her call but to ask you to lie to his face and put on a show its unfair but I can see how difficult it is as you probably don't want to alienate her.

impatienttobemummy · 21/10/2013 18:46

She can't tell you you have to forgive him. Can't you speak to him about it? Maybe when you've had your say you maybe better able to except her choice?

wem · 21/10/2013 18:48

That's a really difficult situation. Do you see her regularly outside of the foursome get togethers? I'd think if it was your only opportunity I'd grit my teeth and continue with them in order to continue to be there for her. But if you see her separately you need to explain that this has changed how you see him and you don't think you could enjoy the evenings as you have before.

Is he working on his temper/anger or is it just her working on their marriage solo?

olgaga · 21/10/2013 18:48

I think you're being completely reasonable to refuse to socialise with this man.

However you must make it clear to your friend that you still want to see her and be there for her if she ever needs you.

nancy75 · 21/10/2013 18:49

could it make things worse for your friend if you start being off with her husband? in the situation she is in at the moment i think i would grit my teeth and pretend to be ok with him, just so i didnt push her away

Justforlaughs · 21/10/2013 18:49

I can see your point of view, however be very wary of driving a wedge between you and your friend. She may retreat from you or lie about what is going on if you make a stand of this. He may even take it out on her if he thinks she has been "telling tales". I know you are struggling with the situation but please think carefully about the ossible implications. I'm really not trying to excuse him/ make you feel guilty about your decision. I hope she is ok.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 21/10/2013 18:49

I absolutely get where you are coming from, however this will make her very unlikely to tell you about any future incidents, you might even fall out about it, has she got anyone besides you to talk to should his behaviour continue/escalate?

I think in your position I would grin and bear it for my friends sake.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/10/2013 18:50

You need to tell your friend that while she has decided to forgive him, you never will.
She has no right to force you to enable her charade.

olgaga · 21/10/2013 18:50

The OP's DH is the only one responsible for his behaviour. Not you, and not your friend!

BrokenSunglasses · 21/10/2013 18:51

Yanbu to not want anything to do with him, but if you stop seeing him when she is determind to stay with him then you will be helping him isolate her.

I would tolerate him for my friends sake.

DameDeepRedBetty · 21/10/2013 18:52

yanbu, I wouldn't be able to invite a person who's behaving like your friend's 'd'h into my home either.

You do need to make it crystal clear to your friend that you're not punishing her though, she may feel like that, her head's going to be in a very strange place if she's still trying to make this dead marriage work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2013 18:53

I try not to let violent criminals into my house so YANBU. However, you are going to have to tread very carefully if you want to be there for her and support her. If you ban him, and I would, he may use that to further isolate her.

Charlesroi · 21/10/2013 18:54

YANBU. I couldn't spend a pleasant evening with the man and I don't see why you should either. Quite apart from anything else, it's sending a signal to him that it's all OK.
Invite your friend on her own or take her out for a meal instead.

Oldraver · 21/10/2013 18:56

No I wouldn't want him my house, I have ceased contact with two people who have committed DV against their DW's.

She may of forgiven him but she has to respect your view of not wanting him in the house

Original poster
muginthemaking · 21/10/2013 19:11

Thanks for you comments.

We see each other usually at least twice a week, a coffee after the school run for an hour or sometimes we go out for the day.

She knows I will be there for her no matter what.

Even before I knew he cheated I was not keen on him, he used to make cutting remarks to put her down. Then after the affair he was sickly sweet for a while before reverting to type, now I can not stand to look at him.

She admits she knows where I am coming from, but then keeps going on about it as her 'h' asks. I said just tell him the truth that I am not comfortable in having him round.

OP posts:
Mim78 · 21/10/2013 19:16

Yanbu.

If you don't want to have him in your house now (quite understandably) it's up to you.

Great that your are still there for your friend though. I really hope she comes through this and finds a good solution for her - sounds like the only good solution would be to leave him but whatever she chooses hope it works out.

Famzilla · 21/10/2013 19:18

What a difficult situation. I also know someone who comes to me when times are bad and then expects me to brush it all under the carpet when they're good, although not as bad as your situation.

Does he speak to your DP? Maybe your DP could spell it out for him? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near a violent abusive twat either but I would definitely try to ensure that I was always there for the friend and that she knew it.

persimmon · 21/10/2013 19:19

I agree with your choice. It sends a crystal clear message to him that his behaviour is utterly unacceptable, and it sends a message to your friend that someone who hurts her is a pariah in your eyes, which I think in the long run is far better than everyone getting together with gritted teeth and a massive elephant in the room.

CoffeeTea103 · 21/10/2013 19:22

Yanbu and I think you should stick to your decisions. She may be able to be all hunky dory with him but you can only see this abusive man. You have every reason to not want to be in his company. As much as you need to support your friend, it will be enabling her by now turning a blind eye to what's happened.

Northernlurker · 21/10/2013 19:26

I wouldn't have him in the house atm either. In a few years IF he changes and stops his abuse then maybe but how likely do we think that is?

Original poster
muginthemaking · 22/10/2013 09:22

She has just been round for a coffee and begged me to reconsider, as her 'h' doesn't know what she has told me, and would be mad and go crazy if he finds out we have been discussing their business. She says she is making up excuses as to why we keep cancelling (we not arranged anything, so nothing to cancel).

I hate the fact I feel like I am being pushed into a corner, I do not want anything to do with this man and now if I don't I could be the reason my friend gets a hard time :(

She is in total denial and makes excuses. I told her I will think about it and talk it over with dh.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 22/10/2013 09:33

It is your house, and you don't have to let anyone into it if you are not comfortable with them. There could well be more to this man's behaviour than you know, so I would be wary too. What you are being told might be the tip of an iceberg.

The foursomes do not have to continue. You could be too busy with work, children (if you have any), family events etc. It wouldn't stop you seeing your friend regularly and offering discreet support.

Mellowandfruitful · 22/10/2013 09:33

Very difficult indeed. But you would not be 'the reason' your friend gets a hard time - being married to a violent unpleasant man is the reason behind that. Everyone else is expected to put up and shut up so he isn't annoyed in any way!

Morloth · 22/10/2013 09:50

Nope no violent criminals in my house or around my children.

It is her choice to stay, and your choice who enters your home.

I would not be able to keep my trap shut under my own roof in any case.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 22/10/2013 10:23

So what happens when he comes around to your house?

I mean, you're not even going to be able to be civil to him. How could you be to civil to such a vile specimen of a person?

So he's going to know you know anyway.

You might just as well cancel the invitation anyway - at least that way, you're not opening your home to him.