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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in not allowing friends dh into my house, friend thinks I am.

73 replies

muginthemaking · 21/10/2013 18:39

Name changed

My best friend of 10 years has had a bit of a horrid few years, her dh and her have been having a few problems, 18 months ago she found out he was cheating on her, she confronted him they sorted it out and have muddled through since. About 4 weeks ago she came round all upset they had been rowing and he had grabbed her arm, she showed me the massive bruise, it made me feel sick, from what she was saying he has been highly critical of everything she does. They had an awful week and he lost his temper and slapped her round the face :( I have been there for her, she knows my view on what I think she should do (ie leave) but as she has 2 kids she feels she needs to stay and work on the marriage. We have had heated discussions on this and decided to draw a line under it and move on.

The problem is before the latest incidents we used to all get together as a four-some have a meal round each others house, it is our turn to be hosts and quite frankly after he has been violent to her on at least 2 occasions that I know of, I do not want him in my house of have anything to do with him, my blood is boiling when I think of him.

My friend is very upset and said its really not my concern what happens, and I should accept that as she has forgiven him I should too. I said its very hard when you are round here in tears covered in bruises. Its a social occasion that she has always looked forward to.

so AIBU in not wanting anything to do with him. DH is disgusted too and agrees with me.

OP posts:

wem · 22/10/2013 10:27

Your poor friend, she sounds terrified of him. But I agree with pp, she is choosing to stay in this situation. Maybe realising her only choice is to lie to her DH about why you can't get together will make her see how damaging his behaviour is.

BeCool · 22/10/2013 10:32

I wouldn't knowingly host someone who physically harmed other people in my home. As for someone who is increasingly violent to my friend, not only would I not have him in my home I would have a problem having any involvement with him at all.

I do think that this will cause problems between you and your friend though. And it is very worrying that she is concerned of his reaction when he finds out she hasn't kept his violence completely to herself - this will probably trigger more violence towards her. Clearly she needs to get rid of him and she is still in the world of minimising and defending him.

So I guess the juggling act is having this piece of shit in your home vs your friend becoming increasingly isolated in her abusive relationship?

Though if he did come round there would be no way I couldn't confront him -

Sparklysilversequins · 22/10/2013 10:36

It's not a case of choosing to spend time with him if this were me. I wouldn't have contact with him because I couldn't hold in what I thought of him especially after a few drinks. It would just come bursting out.

LoonvanBoon · 22/10/2013 10:39

Yanbu. I was once in a situation like this some years ago - would have friend turning up in a state, having been hit / pushed/ physically intimidated by partner. Then she would forgive him & expected everyone else to behave as if nothing had happened - felt in a way that she was in denial & that I would be colluding with that if I treated the bloke in question as a friend. It was difficult at the time - & they weren't married / no kids involved, but she left him shortly afterwards & we're still friends.

FlapJackOLantern · 22/10/2013 12:01

All you will do it ruin your friendship: she will stop telling you anything, and your friendship will eventually fade.

What goes on between them is none of your business (unless she asks for help).

Either have the courage to confront him yourself and tell him why he is not allowed around your house any more..........or back off.

Morloth · 22/10/2013 12:10

Of course it is the OP's business.

Her friend has made it so and she wants the OP to collude in the illusion of happy families in the OP's house.

CeliaFate · 22/10/2013 12:23

The trouble is, refusing to have this shit of a man in your house will ultimately be punishing your friend far more than if you grit your teeth and invite him.
I totally understand your revulsion, I would feel the same. But if the truth comes out then you don't know what he'll do to your friend.
She will not come to you again for support. Your friendship will eventually end as he will see you as the enemy and stop her from seeing you.
It's bloody hard, but I think I'd have them round and explain any frostiness on your part as feeling stressed and unwell.

Fleta · 22/10/2013 12:25

Honestly? I think I'll be going slightly against the grain here and saying I would think about it.

If your friend has decided to draw a line under and move on I think part of my role in being a friend would be to accept that.

But....could you do it differently? Could you arrange a babysitter and all four meet for dinner somewhere? Say you fancy a change, say you need a night out. You're not compromising your principals that way but you're also being there for your friend as she needs you right now

KCumberSandwich · 22/10/2013 12:27

i don't think it's unreasonable to not want him in your home or to have to play happy families with him, but think about the effect it may have on your friendship. if you are the only support your friend has in the situation you don't want to drive a wedge between you if she is still at the stage where she wants to defend him. if you can grin and bear it, i would try, hopefully she will find the strength to walk away from the bastard but in the meantime she needs you. its good that you are not sugar coating your feelings though, keep being honest with her but dont drive her away as it sounds like she would defend him and if you fall out over this she may not have any support at all.

EldritchCleavage · 22/10/2013 12:33

Since you and your DH are rightly disgusted with him, how is any social occasion going to work? If he doesn't know you know he's been violent and emotionally abusive when he arrives, he'll certainly realise you both know by the time he leaves, even if you don't openly discuss it.

Unless that is, you and your DH engage in some terrible pretence of being happy to see this man. And if you do that, then you've tacitly encouraged your friend that staying and desperately pretending it never happened is the way to go.

Your friend seems so desperate to deny and survive the short term, she doesn't see this.

DebrisSlide · 22/10/2013 12:33

He sounds like he is testing to find out if she has told you.

I honestly don't know what I would do.

Dahlen · 22/10/2013 12:34

I'm afraid you can't win this one.

If you let him in, you send a message that his behaviour can be overlooked in favour of social niceties.

If you refuse to let him in, you will lose her friendship. Either your friend will distance herself from you in a bid to avoid her H discovering that she has talked about their relationship, or her H will realise you know and put a stop to the friendship because you will be perceived as a threat to his ability to keep his W where he wants her.

You are now having the sort of conflict over boundaries and acceptable standards of behaviour that women in abusive relationships experience. It's not nice and whatever you do is doomed. The only right move for you is to cut the friendship so it doesn't damage your own boundaries. Unfortunately for your friend, the right thing for you will be the wrong thing for her as she becomes ever more isolated.

As yet she is unable to see that the only win-win solution is to leave her H and continue her friendship with you.

CreatureRetorts · 22/10/2013 12:37

YANBU

I don't allow my mum's husband in my house for a similar reason.

By inviting him in, you normalise it. It is not normal.

However don't let that stop you seeing your friend as height try and isolate her.

CreatureRetorts · 22/10/2013 12:37

*he might, not height

CreatureRetorts · 22/10/2013 12:41

Also help her plan her escape. She will be in denial but help her see it's worth planning just in case eg setting up a bank account for her, keeping key documents with other people - present it as a "just in case she changes her mind". Give her the numbers of women's aid etc. this is domestic violence!

But having seen this with my mum, she will do everything to make herself safe and that will mean outright lies. My mum couldn't tell her husband why I refuse to see him so made up bullshit about me. Which says it all really. However if she leaves, I will be there for her.

anon2013 · 22/10/2013 12:47

YANBU. Why not make the dinner just you and your friend and send DH out with his friends?. You can then spend more time talking and she may open up more if it's just you two.

numberfloutyfour · 22/10/2013 12:47

It is part of the power-play of dv for the abuser to make the victim keep it secret.

It sound like your moral stand about them coming round for dinner is pressing on this nerve. There's no easy answer. It might be worth asking yourself what's the most important thing for you to do in the wider situation? Take a stand & send the signal to him it's not a secret? Or keep communication open?

olgaga · 22/10/2013 13:03

Yes and it's also part of the control and manipulation of the victim.

I would tell her that by inviting them as a couple and pretending everything is alright you feel that you are enabling his abuse to continue as though nothing is happening!

Only she can decide what she wants to do, but I don't think it's fair to expect her friends to pretend everything is OK when it clearly isn't. If it was, she wouldn't be so frightened of him.

ashleysilver · 22/10/2013 13:06

YANBU I have a similar situation with my friend

I don't want anything to do with him. On the odd occasion when I see him, I am polite but don't say much.

To me, it's not a question of sending a signal to him. It is for my own sake. I know what I know and don't want to spend time with him. Having people round for a meal should be an enjoyable experience for everyone. It would not be enjoyable for me, so I would not agree to do it. Ditto going to theirs for a meal/cup of tea/whatever.

sashh · 22/10/2013 13:07

I think you are right not to have him in the house.

I also think putting her in the position of go between (unwittingly) has put her in danger.

You have to tell him yourself. He may still take it out on her, for want of a better phrase. Tell him you saw bruises, tell him you know he is responsible and that you cannot trust him in your house.

I also agree with helping your friend have an escape plan, and I think that should be in place before you tell him.

Also if you tell him face to face do it in a very public place, I don't mean shout it out, but do it where he is surrounded by people.

NoAddedSuga · 22/10/2013 13:19

Yanbu to not want him in your home.

However for your friends sake, i would make the effort.

If you make things difficult for her husband and herself, then you might find that she will stop confiding in you, and to be honest in your shoes, i wouldn't want that.

I would support her when she needs it, but to be honest i wouldn't be funny with him as it could cause problems for her.

TheHouseCleaner · 22/10/2013 13:26

"It is part of the power-play of dv for the abuser to make the victim keep it secret."

^ This.

The less the DV is kept secret the harder it is for the abuser to carry on and the easier it is for the victim to be able to walk away.

YANBU to refuse the husband entry to your home and access to your family. I wouldn't have him in my home, I wouldn't have him near my children. I wouldn't condone his violence, I wouldn't be complicit in pretending it wasn't happening. I wouldn't normalise it and I wouldn't hide his dirty secret.

Your friend has the right to make whatever choices she likes (although IMHO she doesn't have the right to make her children live with the DV). She doesn't have the right to expect you to make the same decisions.

Loopytiles · 22/10/2013 13:26

Yanbu. Your friend is in a difficult situation on what to tell him, but that is part of the consequences of her choice stay with him .

foreverondiet · 22/10/2013 15:06

Oh thats very hard, but having been in this situation myself with a relation, I think that your friend needs your support.

I would tell her that you are very uncomfortable having him around and that you are worried that you (and your DH) won't be able to be polite to him...

That being said, I would let them come if she really wanted to go ahead. But I might use the evening to ask her DH about what sort of therapy and counselling he is planning to have....

TombOfMummyBeerest · 22/10/2013 15:22

This is a tough one, isn't it?

You are in the right to not let him in your home. He doesn't have control over you and yours...and I'd tell her exactly that. Maybe that will convey to her how wrong he really is?

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