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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in not allowing friends dh into my house, friend thinks I am.

73 replies

muginthemaking · 21/10/2013 18:39

Name changed

My best friend of 10 years has had a bit of a horrid few years, her dh and her have been having a few problems, 18 months ago she found out he was cheating on her, she confronted him they sorted it out and have muddled through since. About 4 weeks ago she came round all upset they had been rowing and he had grabbed her arm, she showed me the massive bruise, it made me feel sick, from what she was saying he has been highly critical of everything she does. They had an awful week and he lost his temper and slapped her round the face :( I have been there for her, she knows my view on what I think she should do (ie leave) but as she has 2 kids she feels she needs to stay and work on the marriage. We have had heated discussions on this and decided to draw a line under it and move on.

The problem is before the latest incidents we used to all get together as a four-some have a meal round each others house, it is our turn to be hosts and quite frankly after he has been violent to her on at least 2 occasions that I know of, I do not want him in my house of have anything to do with him, my blood is boiling when I think of him.

My friend is very upset and said its really not my concern what happens, and I should accept that as she has forgiven him I should too. I said its very hard when you are round here in tears covered in bruises. Its a social occasion that she has always looked forward to.

so AIBU in not wanting anything to do with him. DH is disgusted too and agrees with me.

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 22/10/2013 15:24

I would just worry that letting him come will end up reinforcing to friend that her husband is strong, untouchable even, and not to be tackled. it is feelings and beliefs like that which will trap her in this relationship even longer.

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2013 16:16

I was in this exact situation a few years ago, right up to the point where she was begging me to bring him round. "Just like we used to".
I gave in and it was impossible not to want to kill him with my bare hands. It ended up with me and the bastard head to head in front of my children.
After that I refused. I wish I had done it much much sooner. By caving I was not helping my friend, I was telling the bastard he could do what he liked to her and I would stomach it.
He's in prison where he belongs now.

Original poster

muginthemaking · 22/10/2013 17:47

Thanks for the replies.

I have thought about it and I can not bring myself to spend time with him. I do value my friendship, but I know that I won't be able to be civil to him.

Its her ds birthday in a few weeks and she asked if I would go tot he party as we always do, I said of course, as I will be there for her ds, plenty of other people to mingle with, she doesn't see much of a different between being there as her h will be there, and getting together as a 4 of a social occasion!!. Got a headache today.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2013 18:02

You don't owe your friend this. Just say no and keep on saying it.
I know how hard this is but it will be worse if you have to endure his gurning gob while he is a guest in your house.
My experience was years ago but DC still remember "the day mum went nuclear". And not in a good way

GrandstandingBlueTit · 22/10/2013 18:48

Of course there's a difference. You can avoid him entirely at a children's birthday party.

You cannot avoid him at your own house in a foursome.

She knows this. She is just trying to get you to agree to the 4-some, which I do understand as she is clearly between a rock and a hard place. But this still doesn't mean you should do it.

Eggsiseggs · 22/10/2013 18:57

A few years ago I would have said to let him in, think of your friend, don't add to her burden, etc.

Having come out the other side of a VERY long similar situation, I would, with hindsight, say the exact opposite.

I ended up - I now believe - enabling this, pussyfooting around, compromising my own morals, etc. it didn't help and caused me and DH a lot of emotional angst.

I mean this kindly: she is choosing to live this way; you are not. Support her as a friend, help her when she leaves him, but don't enter into a charade that normalises it to everyone, including him.

Hope she is ok. So tough for her.

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2013 19:00

It's hellish Eggs, isn't it?
I used to have nightmares that the next 3am call I got was from the police telling me he'd finally killed her

Charlesroi · 22/10/2013 19:07

DebrisSlide - He sounds like he is testing to find out if she has told you

Yes, I absolutely agree with this. Actually, I think he knows damn well that you know. And, I'm afraid, I still wouldn't let him in. Supply your friend with a raft of excuses to feed him, tell her to tell him you're not such good friends anymore, get your DP to tell him you don't like socialising at home, whatever.
And if you do cave in, he's just going to do it again anyway. You can't save her by pretending to like him, biting your tongue etc. If anything it'l just make him more confident in his abuse.

Sorry - it's a very shitty situation.

numberfloutyfour · 22/10/2013 19:50

This sounds like the right decision.

I think ashleysilver has a good point that you need to think about your own boundaries first and then help your friend.

katiescarlett

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2013 20:06

It's ok, she LTB eventually.
Her youngest is still in therapy though.

Morloth · 22/10/2013 20:27

He knows.

And if the OP lets him in hevwill get the message that what he is doing is A-OK with everyone and he can even control third party's actions.

Fuck him.

The passivity on MN sometimes pisses me off.

Original poster

muginthemaking · 23/10/2013 09:16

Yes she popped round for a coffee (well I say coffee the kettle had not even boiled before she walked out)

Told her my decision was final, she pleaded a but, I got a little cross and said you are going to have to drop it as I have made up my mind. She said she will have to go as she knows he will go nuts. I said do you really want to stay with someone who will go nuts over this, she said she loved him, and he was not going to do it again! She said she will call me later.

Katie I hope she sees sense real soon, she knows I will always be here for her.

OP posts:

ashleysilver · 23/10/2013 10:47

I hope she sees sense too, OP. Good for you for sticking to your own boundaries.

My friend is the same, says she loves him, says he won't do it again. Even though in her professional capacity she has had training in child protection, understands that evidence shows the violence tends to escalate, she thinks that she and her man are somehow different.

BadgerB · 23/10/2013 11:26

When he finally "finds out" that she has told you about his behaviour he will see it has her "betrayal" of him and their marriage. And probably hit her. I speak whereof I know...
She can't win, and at the moment neither can you.

Morloth · 23/10/2013 11:51

He will hit her anyway.

The OP has no control over his actions.

He does it because he likes it and he can.

EldritchCleavage · 23/10/2013 12:31

That's a very good point. The OP's friend is trapped in the faulty thinking of 'If I just do this and don't do this he will stop and everything will be ok.' But her DH hits her because he wants to, he gets something out of it, and that is not going to change just because he's still getting invitations to dinner parties.

Inertia · 23/10/2013 12:38

YANBU. You shouldn't be pressured into allowing a violent thug into your home and around your family.

He cannot be allowed to believe that you condone his violence. Regardless of what you do he will continue to abuse her because he can and he's getting away with it. All you can do is continue to be there for your friend.

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/10/2013 16:41

Well done mug, I know that wasn't easy for you to do (hug)

GrandstandingBlueTit · 23/10/2013 18:36

Badger you are absolutely right, but the sad fact of the matter is he hits her anyway. mug sticking up for her principles doesn't alter the status quo in any way, shape or form.

However, it does put the message across to her neanderthal partner, that some people find his behaviour intolerable. And that's a good thing.

Eggsiseggs · 24/10/2013 07:46

Well done: that must have been difficult.

More advice from my situation. I was so scared that my friend would 'stop confiding in me'. It took a couple of years, and my DH finally saying 'You don't want her to keep confiding in you, because it means it is still happening. You want her to be happy and safe.'

So true. Looking back, the pattern was a big incident, me swooping in to help, her off-loading to me, her going back to him, and repeat. Think it became a normal habit for her.

Another friend, early on, said v clearly one evening 'I think you should leave him. We keep having this conversation. I will not judge you for staying with him; I will help you when you leave him. But I do not want you to speak to me about this again as my answer won't change and I find it very upsetting. So if you are going to talk about this when we all meet up, let me know before hand and I won't come.'

I was astounded, and had a serious word with her afterwards. She said the same as DH (only 2 years earlier). She was true to her word, without ever compromising her own morals, and my friend leant heavily on her when she did leave. Plus, she did not (unlike me) feel like she had been part of an abusive relationship herself for years, with the colluding and cajoling and protecting and forgiving. It did strange things to my own head, to be honest.

I wish I had done it this way.

MammaTJ · 24/10/2013 07:56

Tbh, no friend of mine would ask this of me, they all know me well enough to know I do not do fake nice! If someone is out of order, then I would tell them!

I agree with you sticking to this but please make sure she understands you are still there for her!

wickeddevil · 24/10/2013 14:41

Eggs that is good advice, your ,friend and DH are very wise. OP well done, you have done the right thing.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 24/10/2013 14:53

My mum had a friend who I discovered at 15 dh beat her up. The dh was a work friend of my dad. They had a kid I played with. We met for lunch every so often. I found out she was dom abused as I recommended watching sleeping with the enemy when it was released. Mum said afterwards at home.

He will hit her whether you are there or not. He will hit her because the tea pot drips, the gravy isn't right or dessert is a bit soggy. He will hit her after yours because he objects to a view she expresses at the table or she has an extra glass of wine. All these I saw, witnessed and realised that the only thing my mum /dad could do was stay in place.

If you remove yourself you will isolate her. She has to be able to gather strength herself. The more normal couples she sees well, every little helps....

It's so sad but unless you are ending the friendship don't punish her. It's a difficult path and you have my deepest sympathy.

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