AIBU to put my career on the backburner in favour of my husband's?

[AquaticNocturne]

Sorry, I fear this is a bit of a boring one, but I'd really value some opinions....

I am a health care professional running a small private practice, which has done well since I set it up 2 years ago. I love the work, feel I do it well and have an increasing number of referrals. I also carry out work for some other practices as a self-employed 'associate'. At the moment I work about 3 days per week (as well as completing an MSc). We have a nanny who works 2 days per week and grandparents do the rest. I work most evenings to keep up with the admin. The money is good and I have about 5 month's salary in my business account.

DH is a solicitor in a silver circle City law firm. In the past couple of months, circumstances mean that he is likely to be 'made up' to partner this year if he works hard and proves himself. He is really keen for this to happen. At the moment, he is out of the house 6-9.30 and is likely to sometimes need to go overseas at quite short notice. He is really hands-on when he is at home and is happy to take time off/work from home to accommodate my working arrangements and has given lots of his spare time to helping me with marketing the practice etc.

Our children are aged 4 and 2, one of whom has special needs. I love my work but feel increasingly tired out by all the running around and unable to keep up with everything (e.g. I missed my son's flu jab appointment last week), especially as DH is effectively absent all week. I feel guilty that the time I do spend with the children involve chores and I have no opportunities for other interests or a social life.

Although my career has always been really important to me and I feel enormously enthusiastic about my work, WIBU to put it on simmer, just for a couple of years to take the pressure off? I would still run my little practice and pursue my studies but would quit my other work and stop looking for other opportunities.

Has anyone else done this and regretted it (or not)? I hate the thought of losing my professional drive and wonder if I will be able to get it back again?

If you can keep your career on the simmer, I would take a break while your children are so young and while your husband is pressing ahead with partnership.

BUT I would want to make sure my husband was on the same page as me and VERY appreciative and understanding of what I was doing. I would want a plan for 'going back' and being able to ramp up my career once you had got over the hump of very young children and very hard working husband.

I am a family lawyer and have dealt with a lot of divorce cases where the wife effectively gave up everything she had professionally to look after home and children. Which was lovely whilst husband was caring and supportive, not so lovely when he went off with someone else and expected her to get a job after a decade off the market.

Thanks Spero, it's very helpful to hear that from someone who has seen what happens when it all goes wrong. I have seen several friends end up professionally and personally 'stuck' following their decision to quit work, which is why I am so scared.

I also remember the wise words of my professional supervisor (and a keen founder member of the Leyton Women's Collective) on telling her I was pregnant: 'Just remember: Emancipation is economic'. Clearly it's stuck with me more than all the 'congratulations'....

My husband is the at home parent, I'm full-time. We discussed this and will be making changes to help him back into work in a couple of years time-house move, I'll possibly go for another role that has more regular hours etc. The details aren't firm, but the commitment to make his return a priority is.

I think you do need that sort of agreement in place if you want to be able to return to full time work before too long. What will your husband be prepared to change to help your return, and when would these changes be made?

Sensible advice from Spero- step back, but with all the tools in place to step forward if you so choose. The number one thing that I've noticed my friends have had if they've stepped back successfully into the workplace is having a supportive partner who really believes in them and their ability to be successful and have their 'turn'. That plus relevant experience (don't lose your relevant quals/nursing license). But less on your plate does sound sensible, for now.

6 - 9.30 sound like long hours already. How much more will he have to put in?

It sounds like the two of you earn a healthy family income already, as things are. So what are you being asked to put your career on the backburner for? More cash? If it is just a question of more money, and you feel that you earn sufficiently as a couple, then you have to ask yourself whether sacrificing your own professional progress and fulfilment is worth that, even in the short term.

I dont know really, I can seethe appeal financially and for his career but not sure what you woukd get from it?

my dh does just normal hours with the odd bit of overtime but I miss him loads and a joke on (in a not really joking kind of pa not proud of this way) that I didnt start a family with him jointly to mainly raise them myself

I think I would be miserable with him doing those hours.

Can you buy your way out of this? Could you have a cleaner come to your house for a couple of hours every day? Could you pay for an admin assistant to do two or three hours a day?

I think your husband is away from his family too much, which places an unfair burden on you.

Yes, well, we did the same. DH was a banker, working all hours, and I decided the only sensible thing for me (and the kids) to do was to stay at home with the kids. That turned into 10 years.

kids are 8 and 11 now.

And DH decided to just quit his job.

This made me wonder if all my support of his career was in vain. i guess it was.

But I do not regret being so much with the kids. I loved it and still do.

I would recommend you make sound financial arrangements for yourself. We put our mortgage free house in my name, for example (when I stopped working) as well as all the savings. And the car. BAsically DH had his career, and I had the "stuff". So I was not financially beholden to him.

This has avoided me feeling :"trapped"

Stay with the kids if you WANT to, your DH supports it, and you can keep a toehold in the work place and make sound financial arrangements would be my advice.

After 10 years and now with a DH who is a student, I have had to look for part time work. I found a job, but the pay is not great (for obvious reasons!). Still, I am glad to have found some!

Imperial- we have a cleaner, for 5 hours per week. I think an admin assistant would be more trouble that it's worth, at least in the short term. Many of the commitments are family related and because of my son's needs ( bloodtests at the hospital, trips to GOSH). This is why we have a nanny, as he's often under the weather and I would have to constantly cancel my work if he was off nursery). Not sure I could get away with outsourcing those, even if I wanted to!

I don't think my husband's career progression is about the money for him. He wants to be the best in his field of law, and the promotion is part of that.

I'm getting used to the long hours. We live in a commuter village so he's not the only one. In fact it's quite normal about here (not saying it's healthy!) and many people work overseas during the week.

"I don't think my husband's career progression is about the money for him. He wants to be the best in his field of law, and the promotion is part of that."

Ok. So what do you get from it?

I'd perhaps then be looking at dropping whatever I could whilst keeping whatever will be good for a future career if it all goes tits up at home.

HeadsDownThumbsUp- I suppose I get more money?

TheAngryCheeseCracker- Sounds like you were pretty careful in terms of making provision for yourself. I think that's the sort of things we'll need to consider. The family home is actually in my husband's name. I own 2 rental properties that he has no financial interest in at all. Our finances have always been totally separate, apart from a monthly direct debit payment from his account into mine, some of which I spend, some of which I save.

there is nothing wrong with a good and trusted nanny taking your ds to flu vaccination and other routine appointments. if she good with him and you trust her with him when he sick then really it is just a routine jab, nothing major. with a SN chidl you have to be able to delegate some responsibilities. you like your business you've worked hard - dont give it up.

yes see how you can reduce your hours, delegate etc but keep your hand in.

But if all you get out of it is more money, then do you really need that? It doesn't sound like it. Will the extra money be worth the sacrifices you are going to make though? I see that it would be for him, since he will get extra money and career satisfaction. But you?

My perspective is from someone who has worked with accountants as they make the transition to partner (big 4 firm). I have observed that often they expect to be able to take their foot off the gas once they make partner, that they've reached the top of the mountain. In the 2, 3, 4 years on the approach they work absolutely flat out to prove themselves and build their business and business cases with loads of support and encouragement, and then when they make it find themselves in this strange world where they're suddenly competing with those who were previously holding their hands, and the realise they've scaled a foothill, not reached the summit. They may acknowledge this intellectually beforehand but it doesn't stop it coming as a shock when it happens, and it hits about a year in. Those I've worked with later in their careers say their first few years as partner were the hardest of their career - it was 3-5 yrs (sometimes 10) before they felt "established" and able to make choices that suited them, not their clients, not the firm.

In short, I know all organisations are different and accountancy and law are not interchangeable but do understand from friends in the industry that the politics of partnership and client service can be similar. I can't offer advice on what you should do but be realistic about what this means, and for how long it could be.

Twoandtwohalves- that's a really helpful perspective. Thank you. We had a conversation last night in which my husband seemed to think the same.

HeadsDownThumbsUp- A bit more money would be nice I suppose, but neither of us are very materialistic. I suppose that I will get satisfaction in supporting my husband in something he really wants to do. And he has been very supportive of me (financially, emotionally and with his own time) in setting up my practice. Thanks for your perspective. This is why it's so helpful having this conversation on Mumsnet. The women I see locally in real life don't tend to work and don't 'get' why I'm wobbly about even slowing down with work, if our lifestyle is still outwardly the same.

I really really really quite extremely very much wouldn't. Personally.

Granted, I am an embittered feminist old boot. But seriously, I wouldn't.

I did it in 2007 and haven't regretted it for a second.

I'm SAHM to one school age child. DH is a Company Director with lots of trips away.

I've kept my hand in in terms of changes to law etc and kept up my membership so I'm technically still qualified.

I think the pivotal thing for me is that whatever DD does at school / wherever she needs to be I can be there for her. That is worth far more to me than my career

exactly what Spero said!

good luck

Noooo, don't do it.

I gave up my job of 15 years I loved as my dh wanted to further his career. We moved to Oz, we are now back with no jobs as His Majesty was made redundant. I have no job and am very bitter about it.

I'm now looking for work, but nothing pays as well as my last job, so need to start again [anger] on money I first earnt 15 years ago.

It sounds as if it isn't an all or nothing situation for you i.e. you can ramp down now, but ramp back up in a few years, provided you keep the core work going.

Personally I'd say go for it - it would be different if you were giving up all paid work, but that isn't the case here, you are merely scaling back. Life is for living and your DCs are young. If you find after a few months that it isn't for you, then presumably you can rekindle your contacts.

I dropped a few hours a couple of years ago and dropped grade because I couldn't cope with the stress of trying to cope with everything. DH is not bad at all, but realistically as a contractor, face time in the office is important for him or he doesn't get renewed. I am generally much, much happier. I leave the office on time, I have energy for DS, I get to pick him up from school a couple of days a week, I even have time to go to the gym (bit of a mixed blessing that one).

Sure, yes, I'd be a bit screwed if DH decided to leave, but our marriage is much stronger than it was when we were both trying to fit too much into too little time. Plus, if it were to happen (and I sincerely expect that it won't) I'd be able to climb back on the ladder fairly easily if I went full time.

motherinferior - I don't think the decision we made was anything to do with feminism or lack thereof. My husband earns a considerable amount more than I did or in fact was likely to do within 20 years even assuming promitions etc. It was simply a no brainer for us econimically - the decision would have been the same had the roles been reversed - the party earning less would have remained the SAHP

I worked for a woman who had an "agreement" with her husband. He did the career thing first, she brought up the children/supported him. Then the tables were reversed. She was senior in City firm working long hours. He used to look after the home, book holidays, her beauty appointments etc. it was true role reversal. She felt that they couldn't both be top dog but they had to take turns.

I suppose what I am saying is - if you give up your career now, will there be a time for you to restart it. If, like my old boss, you can see that happening why not?

Personally I think it is very difficult for there to be 2 alphas in a marriage. Something/someone has to give.

I earn less than my partner but my career matters more to me than his career. His career matters more to him than my career.

We are quite nice to each other about our respective careers, but we have more invested in our own. Which is IMO as it should be.