AIBU to put my career on the backburner in favour of my husband's?

[AquaticNocturne]

Sorry, I fear this is a bit of a boring one, but I'd really value some opinions....

I am a health care professional running a small private practice, which has done well since I set it up 2 years ago. I love the work, feel I do it well and have an increasing number of referrals. I also carry out work for some other practices as a self-employed 'associate'. At the moment I work about 3 days per week (as well as completing an MSc). We have a nanny who works 2 days per week and grandparents do the rest. I work most evenings to keep up with the admin. The money is good and I have about 5 month's salary in my business account.

DH is a solicitor in a silver circle City law firm. In the past couple of months, circumstances mean that he is likely to be 'made up' to partner this year if he works hard and proves himself. He is really keen for this to happen. At the moment, he is out of the house 6-9.30 and is likely to sometimes need to go overseas at quite short notice. He is really hands-on when he is at home and is happy to take time off/work from home to accommodate my working arrangements and has given lots of his spare time to helping me with marketing the practice etc.

Our children are aged 4 and 2, one of whom has special needs. I love my work but feel increasingly tired out by all the running around and unable to keep up with everything (e.g. I missed my son's flu jab appointment last week), especially as DH is effectively absent all week. I feel guilty that the time I do spend with the children involve chores and I have no opportunities for other interests or a social life.

Although my career has always been really important to me and I feel enormously enthusiastic about my work, WIBU to put it on simmer, just for a couple of years to take the pressure off? I would still run my little practice and pursue my studies but would quit my other work and stop looking for other opportunities.

Has anyone else done this and regretted it (or not)? I hate the thought of losing my professional drive and wonder if I will be able to get it back again?

never never take the foot off gas pedal your career to support your husband.

if your relationship goes wrong this is the first thing you will regret. This is because it is not a decision you have made for made you. essentially you have made it for someone else who ultimately may not deserve it.

However it is entirely different if you need the time to put your son first or to take some time to yourself to better cope or understand his needs. that's about better meeting your responsibilities.

In your case even then i would be scaling back not giving up

Given the circumstances I would. It's not like you are quitting totally.

You do sound like you could slow down a little bit.

Maybe stop looking for new opportunities to take some pressure off.

But take the referrals and other practice work that comes your way.

*I earn less than my partner but my career matters more to me than his career. His career matters more to him than my career.

We are quite nice to each other about our respective careers, but we have more invested in our own. Which is IMO as it should be.*

Ah whereas you see for me, my husband's career matters far more than my own. Mine was humdrum and run of the mill. His is oustanding and exceptional - he is a real trail blazer (and is very young). It would be outstandingly selfish of me not to value his career more than mine.

Don't kid yourself about your DH taking his foot off the pedal once he's made partner. He won't. Partnership in law firms is all about commitment and making sure that the other partners know you're working as hard as they are. If he's going for partnership for the purposes of self-actualisation, that's OK -- as long as you're getting something too. Don't give up completely something you enjoy for the sake of more money that you actually need and/or his job satisfaction.

Another one here who is wondering just how much more your DH can actually do, since he's working excessive hours already, and if he's going to be increasing his workload then what impact will that have on you?

If its more a case of him positioning himself strategically, and getting greater satisfaction and not just about more money, then it's worth you considering taking your foot off the pedal a little right now.

But as others say, I can't emphasise enough the importance of keeping your hand in (which it sounds as though you intend to, and not just give up everything you've worked hard for and clearly get a great deal of fulfilment from.)

To me , life is all about balance. I would hate to feel id not reached my potential intellectually and professionally; equally I would hate to feel I hadn't experienced the joys of parenting fully, and I know my DH feels the same, so life is a constant balancing act to ensure we both get enough of each. This kind of thing needs regular reviewing too. Maybe agree to look Again in a years time and check you are both still feeling happy with the balance

And also maybe use the nanny a bit more, so you don't feel so frazzled. Just fine tune it all a bit.

And your dh will follow his career path and you can keep yours.

If it is easy to scale back up go for it but keep your options, you could split up, he could get ill, he could die, getting a chronic condition is not an impossibility and not all insurances pay out that easily.

It's also not just a case of the 'what ifs' (eg death, illness, separation)
Even if none of these happen, a lot of women who have sacrificed their career totally to their husband's, find that down the line when the kids are older, they may feel they wished they had more opportunities open to them. It's notoriously difficult in the current climate to get back into work particularly at the level you previously worked if you've taken even a few years out, or not kept up with professional development. Many careers are fast changing nowadays.

So although its the 'what ifs' you tend to hear about, I would say its important to keep your hand in even if your marriage stays perfectly secure and both of you remain in good health

Thanks everyone. Most of my professional satisfaction I derive from the work I do in my own practice. The work I do for other practices is not very professionally challenging and I wouldn't miss it if I gave it up (although it's very well paid). I hope that in scaling back but continuing to run (maybe to grow?) my own practice as well as completing my MSc and then maybe a second doctorate I will continue to feel professionally fulfilled, even though I am working less.

I know it's not going to get any quieter for my husband once he makes partner and for a few years, it may be worse. But what might get easier is that my son's health will continue to improve and the children will be at school and so I will have more free time to devote to work, study and myself. At the moment, I feel that someone needs to be around more to meet the children's needs and that probably should be me.

I do really appreciate the advice you've all offered on here, especially people sharing their own experiences of this. In a way I wish I could take the decision more lightly (other people seem to manage) but I've made real sacrifices to get where I am and I'm reluctant to jeopardise it for money's sake.

Sounds good.

As you are aware, partners lead from the front and are often asked to take their money and leave at a relatively young age so there will be no easing up while your children are of school age.

There is a lot of divorce and re marriage at these firms.

I would buy in as much help as you can and scale back where possible but keep your hand in/client base at least.

It will be great unless he leaves you for another woman/decides you're not quite what he wants anymore. Been there, done that. I eventually had to re-train to get myself sorted and it's taken 5 years to get myself back on track. I lost so much - including my home. Do be careful. If I could do it again knowing what I know now, I would never go part-time, let alone give up working all together. The consequences were enormous.

I think it sounds very sensible. I'm suprised at people talking of you sacrificing your career. That's not what it sounds like to me. I also scaled back when dc were small, but also did some additional training. I'm in a very strong position now and have more earning potential than before dc. Im confident I could ramp back up in the future, bit for now I need the flexibility so remain part time.
I also have a dc with sn. The 2 of us at full throttle would not have worked. I was happy to take a step back, but so was dh, and we may well switch roles in the future.
I see protecting your financial independence as ensuring your earning potential remains strong. It sounds like this is very much the case with you.

If you love your career, I'd say don't scale it back. You may really miss it, and your husband's workload won't get any lighter, as other posters have said.

The McFarlane divorce case (which was a landmark, I think) reinforced for me that no matter how happy your marriage, you should always look after your own career. Julia McFarlane slowed down her legal career to enable her husband to make partner at a big four accountancy firm whilst she raised their children. He then went off with somebody else. She had to fight her case all the way to the court of appeal before she deservedly won a fair share of the family wealth, current and future.

I realise that there are many demands on your time. The suggestion of making more use of your nanny was a good one. Good luck, and I hope you make the right choice.

Rather than scaling back the work, could you scale up the help? Have your nanny come for a third or even fourth day, do the admin during the day, from home, and spread the work out more across the week?

Remember the extra cost of this shouldn't be seen as worth it from your business's perspective, but from your husband's. He'd be the one paying for more paid help to cover his share.

Tbh I reckon the wrong one of you is on here looking for work-life balance advice. His current plan sees him missing out on the bulk of your children's young childhoods. Is he really ok with that? Will the ego boost of being a partner make it up to him? Sorry if that's very over-personal of me - I come from the perspective of having seen my own father do this and regret it hugely. We are very close now but ski trips and big houses did not make up for him missing EVERYTHING significant because he was in Japan or dealing with a crisis or on the phone. I love him but he made very poor decisions

I think your plan to scale back the work you don't particularly enjoy, while continuing to focus on scaling up your own practice is sound actually.

I would see DH partnership as an investment in your own business - you will have the financial security to drop the lucrative work you don't enjoy, iyswim. I don't think you'll regret that particularly.

We sound like we're in similar situations, I have taken a sideways move into freelancing and don't earn anything like what I used to, but ds has SN so something had to give - I think the fact I gave up my career for DS rather than DH made a big difference to how I felt about it though, does that make sense?

The other thing is I know I could take this p/t freelance lark and scale it up into a 'proper' business within a 12 month period, easily. I think that's the level of comfort I need - so if anything did happen to DH or to us, I have the means to get right back into f/t, high-earning employment without skipping a beat.

I would say running your own practice and doing a MSc plus two young children sounds more than enough.

It doesn't sound like you put your career on a back burner, especially if you expand your own practice which gives you the most joy.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Thanks all. Much appreciated.

Wilson- it does sound like we are in a similar situation. Hopefully, I would be in a position to expand my practice if/when I needed to. Just a moderately successful private practice would give me enough to support our family if things did go wrong, and I guess that I would ramp things up if I needed to. Having a child with additional needs, as well as the emotional toll, just takes up so much time! Today I worked a half day as we had a paediatrician's appointment which overran and I have to catch up this evening (okay, I know I could be catching up instead of MNing!).

For me the decision was to stop work - knowing full well the drawbacks, financial implications etc. The career wasn't important anymore.

For you, because it is important, I would say scale up the help. Nanny more days a week. Build in some me time for you and your dh so u don't burn out.

I would look at it in terms of what you want. And what's best for the dc.

I decided to put my career on 'simmer' because I wanted my dc to come home to me after school. I wanted to have the time to take them to the park after school, to kick leaves in Autumn, to play in the paddling pool and eat ice lollies in the summer, to get out the sledge in winter. I wanted to be there to advise them on fall-outs with school friends, to cuddle them when they had a bad day and to have lots of friends round. I wanted to teach them to read, to do their times tables and to do their best with their homework.

I love my career and I think I'd find it hard to give it up completely. You (like me) are very lucky to have the chance to put your career on 'simmer'. A long period of serious illness focussed my mind on what was important for me and the dc. I was always a career person. I had worked hard to get to a senior position in a specilaist field. But like you I felt as though I was always in a rush! I was always on the backfoot!

Our decision was the best one for our family. And now I think dh is the one missing out (as does he now) and I thank my lucky stars that financially we can do this.

The illness has made me realise that hanging onto my career for some day tomorrow was compromising my enjoyment of today. I just have to have faith that when I want to bring the simmer back to the boil things will click into place. I won't pretend that doesn't scare me sometimes but not rushing my ass off every day and being the kind of mum that I want to be more than makes up for it.

I think, although you have to be sensible about things, you can't go through life not doing things because of what could go wrong. Some marriages do break up regardless of career choices, you plan and hope but can't protect against every "what if" and have to have some trust. We have always put all assets in joint names, in fact more savings were in mine for tax planning.

When my DCs were small DH and I both had careers at similar levels and earned similar amounts. He wanted his career more though so we agreed that I would stop work but we have both always viewed things as a team effort. He has done well in his career but might not have done so well without me picking up the slack at home, both DCs (now grown up) feel they have benefitted from having me around more and I have loved it. Like you I am in healthcare and I worked a day or two locum each week while they were young, increased to part-time term-time when in senior school and have taken the decision to remain part-time now. I joined the NHS on the same grade as many colleagues who have always worked full time.

I would say be sensible, plan then enjoy your life. Children don't stay children for long and you need to make the most of those years

OP, I empathise entirely, we are in a similar position. Dh and I are both attorneys; we both have our own practices. I am a solo practitioner but my DH has a partner and, now, 50 employees (he has been super-successful in a very short time frame.) We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and I am expecting number three.

DH has very little flexibility over his hours, despite being his own boss (nominally!) as he is in court 3, 4, 5 times a day, 5 days a week. His is a volume practice. I work part-time, approximately 20-25 hours a week, and I schedule work and client meetings around my commitments with the children (baby gym, volunteering in Kindergarten, etc.) I do all the drop-offs and pick ups. During the week, DH gets home about half an hour before our 2 year old's bedtime, and then goes back up to the office after I go to bed. It's a brutal schedule but he really enjoys it, and the financial rewards. I imagine your DH will continue to have a similar workload.

One of the main reasons I am self-employed is to allow myself the flexibility to do "mama stuff" and "work stuff". I worked my tail off in law school (with a baby for some of it) and frankly, I am not willing to let that slide. In my profession, taking 2 or 3 years off is very much career suicide. To that end, I have made a conscious effort to "keep my hand in" even though sometimes I feel as though I am pulled from both ends. I accept that working 20-25 hours a week rather than 40-45 is limiting my income (hugely!!) and my ability to market my practice in the way I would like. My husband supports me entirely BUT my intention, once the children are all in school, is to crank it up to full-time. There are many times when I feel as though I need to outsource - we have a part-time nanny and a cleaner and frankly if I could get someone to make dinner for us I would! But I feel it is crucial - absolutely crucial - to not stop practicing. I also work in a very crowded field and know that my referral sources will dry up (and forget about me frankly) if I turned my back on my practice for a couple of years. So I would be very, very cautious to do anything except dial it back a little.

Having said all that, I think there are things you can do to protect yourself. DH and I earned about the same when we were courting and then married. Five years after starting the practice, DH earns a huge amount of money (high six figures), candidly, and I earn very little. I do little things to redress the balance. A portion of his monthly draw goes into a separate bank account for me, that no-one else can touch. Our finances are entirely joint, except for this one sole account that I have. Handing over financial autonomy to my DH was an enormous deal for me, and something I struggled with.

I also concur with the previous posters who advised you to consider the "worst case" scenario of DH disappearing. I spoke with a family law attorney and asked "what would I get if we divorced tomorrow?" (which gave my DH a shock when I told him I'd been to an attorney) I am in the US and my state guarantees me one-half of all the wealth that was built/earned during our marriage. DH started his practice when we were married - although the business interests are in his name, I am entitled to 50%. I could actually force him to liquidate his share of the business if I so choose (not that I would). I would also get hefty spousal maintenance. Trust me, I kid to my DH could not afford to divorce me... Also consider a post-nup agreement if they are enforceable in the UK. I was actually minded to have a post-nup, until my consultation with the family law attorney (I don't feel like I need one, as it is.)

Good luck. This is a huge decision with very far-reaching consequences, so I understand why it is playing on your mind so much!

(and sorry for the essay - can you tell this is a hot topic of mine?)

OP itis tricky.

Having been a family lawyer, I'm like others who say you must always ensure that your finances are safeguarded.

But I'm also married to a MC partner. It's a hard job. The hours can be brutal. Being a partner is much more pressure than being an assistant. Eventually he will get some autonomy over his hours, but that will take time and is fairly discipline/client dependent.

It is hard (though not impossible) for two such careers to function with small DC.