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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a thank you for a wedding gift

55 replies

Bingersandtoes · 21/10/2013 12:38

DH and I have been to 8 weddings over the past 2 years. Each time we have bought a present off the list / donated cash as requested by a bloody stupid poem

We have received 2 thank you notes.

AIBU in being surprised by the fact that 75% of our aquitances (the 2 thank yous came from people I'd class as friends) are rude and ungrateful???

Please tell me it is still 'normal' and expected to write a thank you note??

OP posts:

Spirulina · 21/10/2013 12:40

The whole 'wedding culture' seems to have become rude, tacky and grasping!

Yanbu!

HeirToTheIronThrone · 21/10/2013 12:41

It absolutely is! Not to receive one is so rude. We sent ours two days after we got back from honeymoon. I've been to four weddings this year and so far a 50% thank you card rate - it really does make me think less of the couples (one good friends, one DH's sister!) who haven't bothered.

usualsuspect · 21/10/2013 12:44

I coildnt care less if I don't get a thank you note.

ToffeeWhirl · 21/10/2013 12:46

It is really rude. Has happened to me too. Apart from anything, I always wonder if they actually received my present.

DearlyDepartedMrsFinch · 21/10/2013 12:49

I agree with toffee. We went to three weddings last year and received two thank you notes - both were 12 MONTHS after the weddings! I do wonder whether the other gift actually made it to the recipients...

Still waiting on the thank you for the July wedding this year. Really ungrateful I think.

Beccagain · 21/10/2013 12:49

I coildnt care less if I don't get a thank you note

Not a bloody thing wrong with that Usual but you (alright I) have to wonder on what planet it is acceptable not to send one (alright, maybe not a note, but a text/email/voicemail...?)

GinGinGin · 21/10/2013 12:52

Well I gave money as a gift to a friends at her wedding & decorated her cake & didn't get a Thank You card. That said, she was going through a lot of stuff at the time so I didn't really expect it - I suspect she had other things on her mind.

So I'm going to sit on the fence on this one

LoonvanBoon · 21/10/2013 12:53

YANBU. I don't mind having to wait a while to get a thank you (don't expect people to rush back from honeymoon & do it straight away - though we did!) but it's just rude not to do it at all. Only happened to us once, though (not getting one, that is) - surprised you've had such a low proportion of thank yous! The time we didn't get one was from a wedding where we'd given money, in response to a typically awful poem, & where the whole wedding had been arranged with no attention whatsoever to the comfort of the guests; so probably shouldn't have been shocked.

usualsuspect · 21/10/2013 12:54

I've never sent or received a thank you note in my life.

A text or a thank you in person,yes.but not a thank you note.

Original poster

Bingersandtoes · 21/10/2013 12:54

Glad it's not just me then.

Actually makes me cross the more I think about it. Not like we're rolling in money but have taken the time and effort to abide by their wishes and purchase something they wanted - not as if we brought along a gift wrapped wet fish and expected profuse thanks.

Yes, I do worry whether the gift was received but there's no way of checking without fishing for a note.

We clearly know some rather rude people. And yes, I do think less of them now. Grrrrr.

OP posts:

PottyLotty · 21/10/2013 12:55

I wouldnt expect a thank you note. Surely you spoke to them at their wedding and they said 'Thank you for coming/for the lovely gift/card' etc

Half the time the presents are piled up and then taken home by a family member and eventually opened on the return from the honeymoon with most of the cards detatched. They possibly dont know who sent what but at the end of the day you were invited to their wedding which they paid for and you probably ate their food and drank their drinks. Surely they have said thank you already and if you dont feel they have is it really worth getting het up over a bit of card you will throw in the bin anyway ?

Financeprincess · 21/10/2013 12:55

I made sure that my thank you cards went out the week we got back from honeymoon, for the reasons expressed above.

So no, YANBU.

(I hate those twee "give us the cash" poems as well)

Snowgirl1 · 21/10/2013 12:57

We had presents at our wedding that we couldn't thank people for as we didn't know who had given them - the bestman had taken all the wedding cards that guests had stuck to the present (in lieu of a gift label) to read out in lieu of telegrams. 6 years on I still feel guilty that I haven't thanked people for those gifts. Fortunately, it was a 'no gifts' wedding, so only a few.

Original poster

Bingersandtoes · 21/10/2013 12:57

A text message, email or verbal thanks would be sufficient. Don't expect fountain pens and parchment ...

To be fair, saw one of the brides at an event a few months after the wedding. She introduced herself. I said "I know who you are ... I came to your wedding!" She looked non plussed and replied "Oh did you? Yes, lots of people attended who I had no clue about ..."

OP posts:

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 21/10/2013 12:57

YANBU.

The daughter of some very close friends of mine (we were a gang of four couples who met regularly until one of the group died and then my ex and I split) got married three years ago. I barely knew the daughter and was surprised to get an invite to the evening do (I thought perhaps it was more so that her parents had a few friends to spend the evening with other than family).

I was more surprised that the evening do had a "no gifts but if you'd like to donate money for our honeymoon" note on the invite. JUST for the evening do.

I was even more surprised to find that the other couple and widow from the original gang of four couples had been invited all day.

I was not surprised when no thank you note came from the couple whose honeymoon I contributed for.

Alexandrite · 21/10/2013 12:59

I always think it's the wrong way round and that it's the people who attend who should send the thank you note. It takes a lot more time, money and effott to arrange a wedding or party than it does to rock up with a gift! I think it used to be that the person who attended as well as the host would send a thank you note, but the practice of sending a thank you to the host seems to have died out

Fleta · 21/10/2013 12:59

YANBU

Also see children and Christmas presents.

Beccagain · 21/10/2013 12:59

Pottylotty you are a NICE person. Never in a million years would it occur to me to be grateful for being invited to a wedding! Seriously!! I mean I go, but it's a bit of an ordeal doesn't everyone think that?

usualsuspect · 21/10/2013 12:59

How come you go to weddings of people you don't know?

BlingBang · 21/10/2013 12:59

Doesn't bother me though just like to know if a gift arrives, say by post. We didn't send any.

Original poster

Bingersandtoes · 21/10/2013 13:01

Fair point Potty.

These would all know who sent what though - as was done through online gift lists.

But, yes, you are right- they did all say "thank you for coming" when chatting at the wedding. And paid for dinner, etc etc.

Bet Wills and Kate sent thank yous though ...

OP posts:

Beccagain · 21/10/2013 13:02

Cross posted with Alexandrite

You are clearly nicer than me too (not difficult!!) Or are you speaking as one who has recently organised a wedding.

btw I always DO thank the host and hostess anyway!! But I stand by my view that weddings are a bloody great crashing and expensive snore and a thank you from the b and g for the considerable inconvenience (and not infrequently expense) that the guersts have incurred is not a million miles out of line!

Original poster

Bingersandtoes · 21/10/2013 13:04

Usual DH and I are friends with the groom. I had met the bride once before the wedding at a drinks party. Not surprised she didn't automatically recognise me.

OP posts:

MmmmWhiteWine · 21/10/2013 13:09

YANBU....sending a thank you note is common courtesy....although not so common nowadays it seems.

GinGinGin · 21/10/2013 13:23

God people find weddings an ordeal? Nice.

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