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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is stbxh right?

62 replies

3for2 · 19/10/2013 21:53

He left over a year ago after a dull marriage limped to its conclusion. 2 preschool children.

In winter last year he met someone new and moved in with her in the spring.

I got back in contact with an old friend and moved in with him in the spring too.

No dramas. We've managed all the separation and parenting completely amicably.

I've just got engaged. Set a wedding date.

Tonight it seems He's really pissed off as he thinks it's too soon etc...

He's right that the absolut isn't through yet but what are we waiting for? He sees it as a slap in the face. (We're also moving to a bigger house).

I dunno. Please be gentle as I've just had a miscarriage which also got used as an insult about going on to have more children...

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 21:55

The old friend became my partner in case that wasn't clear. I wasn't just living as a lodger.

OP posts:
bundaberg · 19/10/2013 21:55

why does his opinion matter?

are you happy? is your partner happy?

there is no law on how soon you can be in a new relationship or get married!

MrsOsbourne · 19/10/2013 21:57

Congratulations !Flowers
none of his business.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 21:58

It's just such a shock. We try to talk about the children and support decisions, discipline etc.

I am really happy. New partner is brilliant. Neither men are 'fiery' people. I confirmed that we didn't love each other and hadn't for a long time (he agreed).

It's just horrible to come this far and then have such vitriol thrown at me.

OP posts:
DoJo · 19/10/2013 21:58

Is his concern for the children or for himself? If it is for the children, then I think he may have a point - it is a lot of upheaval for them to undergo in a relatively short space of time. They deserve to have a chance to acclimatise to the new arrangements and be sure that they are your priority. But you know best how they are coping with things and whether your decisions are benefiting them as well as yourself. However, if he just has a bee in his bonnet because he wants to control you, then he can jog on.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/10/2013 21:58

It's nothing to do with him.

RandomMess · 19/10/2013 21:58

Erm perhaps he's just annoyed that your still not pining for him and have been able to move on, perhaps his new relationship isn't going that well?

I dunno what his problem is but it's his problem.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 21:59

I could understand if I'd cheated or he felt wronged but neither of us did, and he is living with his new partner too!

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 19/10/2013 21:59

It's nothing to do with him. DP and I got engaged after five months - and we got together two weeks after I ended my previous relationship. Wer'e still together and happy as ever. If you're happy with your new DP, then go for it. Congratulations on your engagement! :)

Lilacroses · 19/10/2013 21:59

It's entirely up to you. Fwiw my ex suddenly got all odd and annoyed/possesive over me and Dd when I met my current Dp. She had been completely calm beforehand....even encouraged me to date as I was pretty isolated as a single parent. Bottom line is I don't think she expected me to meet someone as brilliant as Dp so soon. 10 years on I'm still blissfully happy with Dp, my ex and I are friends, all is well. Do what you and your Dp want to do. C

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

mineofuselessinformation · 19/10/2013 22:01

So tell him that you're sorry he feels that way, but you want both of you to be happy in your lives now - and this is what makes you happy. If he still chunters on, then be a bit more blunt and say that you don't tell him how to live his life and would appreciate the same respect.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:01

With regard to the children, they're great. The upheaval is mostly done... Daddy left, we moved in with new man, and now we all operate to a good routine. The house move is exciting and doesn't necessitate a school move.

It was always going to be a period of change - the marriage bit to a 5yo is surely just a pretty dress and a big party? The real change was moving in with him and that's done.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 19/10/2013 22:01

Ignore him, you're already living with your DF. Moving in with your new DP was the biggest change for your DC, getting married won't change anything for them so your STBX's motivation for being annoyed now isn't anything to do with them.

Maybe his new DP wants to get married and now he feels under more pressure. Maybe he can't cope with the nagging Grin

MissStrawberry · 19/10/2013 22:01

None of his business.

He's annoyed as you aren't following his plan for you to pine without him and sees you making a new life and moving to a bigger house.

Do YOU think it is too soon?

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:02

Thanks for all comments so far.

I think he's just unrealistic as to how well I've bounced back.

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:03

I don't think it's too soon. I really don't. He's a brilliant step dad. He's my best friend. He's everything to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:05

He just kept saying I was RUDE Angry.

Quite funny now I think about it.

What a frightfully middle class crime Shock

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 22:05

So how long had you both been separated when you moved in with your new partners?

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 22:08

rude? rude to want to marry someone?

MajesticWhine · 19/10/2013 22:08

Perhaps he feels regret about what happened between you and is turning that regret into anger. Try not to let it spoil things. He'll probably get used to the idea. Sorry for your loss.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/10/2013 22:09

Try to ignore, easier said than done. Your ex actually sounds fairly reasonable (for a change on MN) so I would just give him the benefit of the doubt if you can and trust that his hurt and anger will fade quite quickly and he will be back to being reasonable again...

Congrats on everything Smile This should be a lovely, happy exciting time so try to concentrate on the good stuff!

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:10

We'd been physically living apart for about 8 months but living separate lives under the same roof for a long time before that. The marriage was not horrendous but a rot had really set in. My landlord gave notice so I had to find somewhere to live. DP offered for us to move in. It's been fantastic.

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:11

He is reasonable! He gave me a kiss on the cheek and shook dps hand when we told him about the engagement Confused

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 19/10/2013 22:11

which bit was rude?

ivykaty44 · 19/10/2013 22:12

Tonight it seems He's really pissed off as he thinks it's too soon etc...

I think this is a combination of things - he thinks it would be too soon for himself, otherwise he would have proposed and also be possibly engaged (if the correct answer was given) So yes his opinion is it is to soon for him to take this step.

You are not him though you and your fiancé are a different couple and possibly your ex hasn't quite made the move clearly in his head that you are separate, that doesn't mean he is still in love with you or wants you back just mentally he hasn't quite cut the apron strings from your relationship/ marriage