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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is stbxh right?

62 replies

3for2 · 19/10/2013 21:53

He left over a year ago after a dull marriage limped to its conclusion. 2 preschool children.

In winter last year he met someone new and moved in with her in the spring.

I got back in contact with an old friend and moved in with him in the spring too.

No dramas. We've managed all the separation and parenting completely amicably.

I've just got engaged. Set a wedding date.

Tonight it seems He's really pissed off as he thinks it's too soon etc...

He's right that the absolut isn't through yet but what are we waiting for? He sees it as a slap in the face. (We're also moving to a bigger house).

I dunno. Please be gentle as I've just had a miscarriage which also got used as an insult about going on to have more children...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 22:13

Then I think you've both moved too fast for a couple with children to be honest.

It's quite an upheaval for kids to go from living with both parents, to both parents living with other people in just 8 months.

I wish you all the luck in the world obviously Thanks

But yes, I do think it's a bit much for the kids particularly.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:15

It was rude not to wait for the absolute.

To me it's just a formality. I do see his point that technically I can't be engaged before being divorced. But really what a thing to get het up about.

OP posts:
Hegsy · 19/10/2013 22:17

As long as your happy. My mum met and married her husband within 7 months. They've now been together just over a year. They are insanely happy and my mum totally deserves it. Since they got married though my 'dad' has stepped up his attempts to upset and cause drama. For someone who's supposedly soooo happy with the woman child he left for he's very interested in what we're all doing Hmm

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage Thanks

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:18

Worra I understand what it looks like, but I didn't have a whole heap of options.

I would have had to rent a smaller house for a short time (no security renting here) which would have meant moving school.

I moved in with him despite it being a risk. It's worked brilliantly and I agree it seems fast, but the alternatives actually we're not better.

OP posts:
StrawberryGashes · 19/10/2013 22:18

I think it's far too soon for the children for you to be marrying someone else after only separating from their dad last year, but it's none of my business and not really that much of his either as long as the dc are ok. He's perfectly entitled to his (very reasonable imo) opinion but he can't tell you not to.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:19

What is the appropriate amount of time?

I've known him for over ten years (although the children didn't before last year)

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:21

Posted too soon.

In my head the biggest risk for the children was moving in with him.

The marriage is more for 'us'. They wouldn't know the difference. We're in our forties so don't really know what we'd be waiting for.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 22:26

When I met my second DH (also an old friend) I was divorced with 2 DC.

I knew he was the one for me and he loved the kids to bits too.

But I made sure I lived independently for at least 18 months...to give the kids time to get used to their Dad living somewhere else...and for me to realise I was more than just someone else's 'other half'.

I was surprised at how quickly I learnt DIY and all the other things I assumed I couldn't do, because my ex used to do them.

It was an experience I wouldn't change for the world.

I've been married to my second DH for nearly 13yrs and I'm glad I made him wait before he moved in with us.

I think it made me raise the bar on what I expected from him...as I'd set the bar rather low with my ex.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:28

Interesting.

I have to say I do feel strongly that I am in a position to leave at any time. I don't want to and it would be really hard but I earn my own money. I lived by myself and owned my own house before meeting stbxh so I could do it all again if I had to.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 22:29

Sorry, I meant to add that we're all different.

With regards to getting married again so soon...if it's just for you and the kids wouldn't know the difference, why not wait a little longer?

At least that way you kind of have time to 'catch your breath' between ending one marriage and starting another.

If you two are going to be together forever, another year or so won't make any difference surely?

ProphetOfDoom · 19/10/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:30

So I'm here because I want to be, and I'm happy. Not because I need to be.

Maybe I should have lived alone with the dcs for a bit first? I just saw it as more disruption as it could never have been a long term home.

OP posts:
cjel · 19/10/2013 22:34

I don't think he can make judgement on it being too soon if he is already living with OW,
But imo I think both of you have moved in too soon and just because you had to leave old place and rent was expensive isn't a good reason to move in together. I should also hope it did 'work great' after such a sort time. I hope you slow down a bit and let the dust settle,

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:34

I think it looks hasty. The way we saw it was that I could rent somewhere and he'd be around a fair bit anyway. Might as well just cut out the middle bit.

Also our ages.

I'm not sure I know what dog in the manger means, but it's all a technicality really isn't it? Engagement, marriage, divorce...

Surely the bit that counts is that DP reads to DS, we spent time together and have fun, we cook good meals, he has mopped up DDs vomit. That's what I see as what matters in life. Stability now.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 22:35

Being with someone because you want to be instead of needing to be is always the best feeling in the world isn't it? Grin

However, rushing into marriage with him might just change that.

It's not as easy to walk away when there are legal implications and things that make a separation messy.

You're happy now and so are the kids.

If I were you (and I realise I'm not) I'd leave it at that for a couple of years and then get married.

Of course there are no guarantees, but I think it's sensible to at least see what life throws at you both as a couple...and how you handle things together.

StrawberryGashes · 19/10/2013 22:41

I think around 18 moths/2 years of living apart before moving in together and then getting engaged would be best personally. After I broke up with my dc's father I got together with a friend too (he wasn't the other man). I had known him for years and dc knew him too and he suggested moving in early too, but like worra I waited just under 2 years to let my son adjust to his parents not being together first before moving them in with someone else. We are getting married too but again waited longer so my son could adjust to a new home and new parental figure at home too.

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:54

I take those points on board, and although I can't undo those decisions I can see its worked out well in spite of the situation and not because of it.

I think we do need to slow down and continue to shelter the children from the crap that the grown ups are quarrelling about. (They've never witnessed a row between any of us).

Maybe the 3rd baby should be off the agenda. It's either now it never due to our ages. Stbxh can't have more children. His partner has one already.
We were also planning to rehome a kitten but maybe that's another thing that shouldn't be brought in to the mix?
Ah decisions.

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 19/10/2013 22:55

My DHs ex wife went insane when we announced our engagement even though they had been split up for years and she had had a few boyfriends by then. In thinks it's the difference between something being "over" and it being completely over iyswim. She got over it eventually but it's was a bad spell which didn't ramp down until after our wedding.

I'm very sorry for your loss and wish you all the best.

cjel · 19/10/2013 22:57

decisions - lifes full of them and we don't always get it right Grin maybe good idea to take the foot off the gas for a bit and just consolidate what you have,enjoy for a whileFlowers

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 22:58

I wonder whether it's just plain old jealousy

When we were together I was fat, depressed and poor. Now I'm not. I also have exciting plans and I guess he doesn't (although why has he moved in with his girlfriend if he's not committed enough to marry her at some point?) even if they do t want to marry, the level of commitment is there.

OP posts:
flowery · 19/10/2013 23:00

"Maybe I should have lived alone with the dcs for a bit first? "

Does that mean you moved out of living with your ex straight into living with your new partner or have I misunderstood?

Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 23:01

Thanks. Honestly life has never been better. I need to live in the moment. I'm too bloody impulsive.

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 23:02

No he left in July 2012. I lived in the house until landlord wanted it back. I moved in in April 2013 when the tenancy ended. I was on my own with them in that house. DP came on the scene Xmas time. (Although I've known him for over ten years)

OP posts:
Original poster
3for2 · 19/10/2013 23:03

So I did live with them as a single parent from July 2012 until April this year.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/10/2013 23:04

(although why has he moved in with his girlfriend if he's not committed enough to marry her at some point?)

He may well do in the future