To think that if you invite guests round you should turn off the tv?

[MogwaiTheGremlin]

We were invited round to dh's mate's house for afternoon tea with the kids. We arrived at the appointed hour to find him sat on the sofa watching rugby. He made us tea then resumed watching and basically didn't move for the 2 hours we were there even though the kids were playing in the large open plan kitchen where all the toys are.
His wife and I spent the whole time hovering between the two rooms trying to keep an eye on the children whilst attempting to have a conversation with dh and his mate.
Dh loves sport but if there was a particular match he wanted to see he would record it not watch it while we had guests! Or not suggest that time in the first place?
Ds had a lovely time playing with their children but the adults really didn't have a chance to catch up and we only see them a few times a year.
I think it's really rude but maybe I'm expecting too much ceremony?!

Yanbu it's very rude. I went to visit friends for the weekend last year on the other side of the country who I hadn't seen for years. The tv was on the whole time. I felt unwanted.

Lazy Thanx! .

Also with you on the fact that some people arehard to make convo with so with a radio/tv on in the background (NOT at the forefront) at least you can suddenly say ''oh I like this song, do you?'' and start a chat or something on tv.

I have friends like that and with some its like trying to extract a tooth, so that's another reason to have something on.

Well I'm blowed if I understand why you and her didn't just take the kids out or something. As for you "hanging around in the doorway" - why? And her being too busy with the children to get cake out - seriously? I don't know what to make of that at all.

It makes you both sound rather over-reliant on your DHs for entertainment.

My DP and I differ about having music on when people are visiting to eat. We always had music playing in the background as I grew up (either radio or vinyl)

DP thinks it should all be turned off, this makes me really uncomfortable if there is a silence in the conversation.

Not wishing to hijack the thread, but how do people feel about music being played when people come round?

I sometimes leave telly on with people I may feel shy about, to begin with only as background noise to fill in the silences! Then as things warm up, switch to music...

Unless it was a really important sporting event like the final of Wimbledon or the world cup final I would find it incredibly rude.

Background music on low volume is fine though.

I do find silence awkward. I will always turn something on to counter silence. (Don't mean I'll turn on the microwave or something, music or the radio)

I don't know, think it depends. On my sons first birthday party it was the Wimbledon final, we had a BBQ and about half people were outside but half were in watching the tennis. I loved it, meant everyone was spread out, involved people with people theyd nit met and everyone was chatting about something in common. Or outside if they didn't want to watch!

We have been known to leave the TV on in some circs. Usually if it's for background buzz we put it on a wildlife channel (something with David A) and turn the sound off. Nice pictures.

OPs situation is uncomfortable sounding. Tbh i'd be a miffed with DH. It would have been nice of him once or twice in the proceedings to have said - where's Mogwai? You ok love? And mooched into the kitchen with you for a while. Friend might have got the message then and tuned out for a while too.

If my friend invited us all round to hers and then i just sat with her watching Enders, or whatever, for 2 hours, and expected DH to the childcare with her husband he'd not put up with it.

Olgaga well I'm blown away you don't get where I'm coming from! We drove round to their house in our small car. As I said, it was raining and Ds is only 15 months so doesn't walk far. I suppose we could have moved our car seat across to their car, strapped all 3 children in and driven off somewhere but honestly the thought didn't even occur to me. We were only there for a couple of hours and ds was having fun. Plus I consider it rude to be invited round to someone's house then bugger off.
I only have one ds so can't comment on DW'a parenting skills but obviously she was doing her best.
I'm not over reliant on dh and my question wasn't 'how do I entertain myself on a Saturday'.
I just found their hosting style quite rude and wanted to hear what others thought anout that. if you think iwbu in that respect that's fine!

Fluffy dh did do that (unusual for him without prompting!) so I have no issue with him. Didn't seem to have any effect on his mate though .

Complex I think background music is lovely.

I just don't understand what you expected for a two hour visit on a Saturday afternoon! All of you adults sitting around the table with tea and cake determinedly "catching up" while simultaneously keeping 3 young children amused and entertained? Sounds beyond grim to me.

Do you really not get that this was about your DH's friend inviting him round to watch the rugby? Do you think your DH didnt know his mate would be watching the rugby? If It was presented to you differently I think your DH is as much to blame as your host for that.

One minute you're saying the DC were screaming and difficult to manage, the next you're sayng they had a good time.

You'll know next time what to expect, if you get invited back. Ask your DH what his friend plans to watch on TV and choose to go with him or not.

But perhaps you should first invite them round to yours to show them how a 2 hour "tea and cake" session should be hosted.

I think the OP just wanted to socialise with her friends and for them all the do their share in keeping an eye on the children. Rather than for it to be left to the wimmin to mind the children while the men sat on their arses in front of the telly. In a few years they'll be able to send the children off upstairs and ignore them while they relax, but they are too young at the moment. Next time OP, I'd maybe supervise the children with the other mum for the first half of your visit, and then tell the men you are going out for a walk/coffee/drink with the other mum and dump the kids on the men to supervise for the second half of the visit.

Good idea Alex!

Oh yadnbu.

The dh of my friend does this.

Last time it was the Simpson's he was watching.
He actually turned the volume UP because we were talking.

No where else we could have gone to talk.

I no longer go if he is there.

It's only ok to watch telly with guests if you initially invite them to watch a match with you. It's plain rude otherwise.

OP has said the invitation was made by DH's friend in a text to him. Sounds like everyone except the OP knew perfectly well the rugby was gong to be on, and OP's DH was perhaps a little disingenuous about the reason behind a visit on that particular day and time.

The friend's DW is no doubt used to keeping her two DC amused while the rugby is on, it's probably part of the give and take of their arrangements. OP's DS apparently had a great time.

Sounds like a successful visit to me!

I quite often go to friends houses and sit chatting and drinking whilst also waching tv. In your situation, where i didnt really know the other couple, i would be annoyed with my dp for watching rugby with his friend and selling it to me as something different.

Olgaga it was not about watching the rugby and dh didn't even know it was on. I'm trying not to drip feed but following your grilling i asked dh and he showed me the text exchange prior to our visit.
I can imagine a scenario where dh would be invited over to watch a match (and ds and I would simply stay at home or do our own thing) but that was not the case.
Dh and I only have one dc so there is plenty of time to do particular things we enjoy on our own but family time is different. When we are invited as a family I expect everyone to be included just like Alex says.
My ds had a lovely time. Their 2 dc were physically fighting and crying.

Lots of people have made helpful comments and I certainly know now that this isn't particularly unusual. In future I'll know to expect this if our visit coincides with a sports match.

OK! Jeez!

I get it. As others have said, you were expecting some adult socialising and feel like you wasted a couple of hours of your life. Well you won't be going back there in a hurry.

You do seem to be very angry about it all! I'm sure if you add to your family your DC's will never fight together, or scream, or get over-excited when you have visitors.

I imagine the other couple are also thinking they probably won't bother tying to entertain again for a few years.

Will you be inviting them in return? I'd love to hear how it goes.

My dh will often arrange to go round a friend's house to watch a rugby or football match. Then those that aren't that interested play, chat whatever. I don't see the problem with that scenario. It's fairly normal for us.

If we'd been invited to lunch and someone sat watching a soap or a film i'd be a bit surprised i think.

olgaga Im not angry but i am getting a bit irritated by your responses!
I wanted other people's perspectives but you seem to be twisting what I say! I'm sorry if you haven't understood any of my posts but I tried to be clear.
For example, you were the one questioning dw's parenting/hosting skills when she didn't serve us cake. I was the one who said she was trying her best in a difficult situation.
Anyway it's really not worth getting worked up over so I'll accept the good advice (yours included) and bear it in mind for future visits.

Your responses sound like you're deliberately trying to be awkward olgaga. Is that the case?

op, I don't think you've criticised the other family (apart from the DH) at all. There is a difference between mentioning unhappy children and criticising the parenting.

The fact that it wasn't worth getting worked up about has actually been my point all along!