To say I'm not your friend at the moment but I need time to decide if I want to be

[Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk]

I posted a recent dilemma about my friend called Jill. Sorry I don't know how I can link it on this thread but it was entitled 'to keep this friendship'

I hope some of you may remember it and can offer some more brilliant advice. I'd decided to just keep my distance for a while until I was over it enough to move on, however Jill's tried to contact me recently and even went through dp, so I feel really childish avoiding her but I'm not ready to talk about it all?

It's playing on my mind and each time I think, just talk to her and get it over with, there's a tiny voice at the back of my mind saying "but she was hurtful and I don't want to say I forgive her and move on when I'm still hurt'

I basically just want to say I don't wanna be friends but that seems so silly! I wouldn't even know how to actually say it?

AIBU?? WWYD?

I would say "I need you to go away right now. If and when I want that to change, I will contact you"

She is in the wrong. Don't feel guilty about this x

Is it Jill that's having the baby or am I thinking of the wrong thread?

Part of a healthy friendship is being able to read signals and signs. Some of my friends take AGES to respond and others are on the buzzer there and then.

YANBU not to want to respond to her but if you feel you need to give some kind of holding message I would text something along the lines of 'got lots on will be in touch soon.' Leave it at that until you are ready.

Feelings are funny things, they can't be hurried on. All in good time.

I had the baby, we fell out over Jill not wanting to be godmother, a big hen do fall out and her decision to not make me her bridesmaid.

The other thread.

It's not silly to choose who you spend time with, otherwise you're saying you have to be friends with her, which isn't the case.

If she doesn't listen then she's being unreasonable and you have to ask why she'd be forcing it?

Maybe she's trying to rebuild some bridges?

I've just looked at the other thread. I don't think you are being silly at all. I wouldn't make friends for the sake of it. Her behaviour was completely unreasonable and controlling (the whole I wont be Godmother if Jackie is also asked!). As for the hen do....fgs, you were just about to give birth! Then you gave birth and still tried to salvage the plans. She's behaved outrageously imo. I'd just say no thanks if I were you. I don't think I could overlook all that and it doesn't sound as if she would be any great asset to your life in any case.

Thanks agentzigzag how did you do that?

She's not hounding me but sent a couple messages and one to Dp, since then its been back playing on mind, so its just my conscious nagging me.

I'm too much of a people pleaser and I keep thinking she must be racking her brain wondering what's wrong, but in actual fact she's probably too busy to worry

To do the link it's (no space) websiteaddress.co.uk (space) whatever you want to say (no space)

If she's backed off now and not trying to contact you then I'd leave it and see how you feel in a few months or something.

It was a stressful time for both of you and because I've had a baby I know they trump a wedding in the scheme of things, for the physical/hormonal effects if nothing else, but her wedding was obviously very important to her at the time and she got into it a bit too much maybe?

You had a good reason to be 'selfish' to concentrate on hoisting yourself out of the setee being pregnant/your baby, whereas she was just concentrating on herself.

There's no reason for this to play on your mind, people back off for a lot less than you've described, you have a choice and you've made it, be confident in that!

Thanks for the link tip!

And for the advice! I knew you MNetters would help, another weight off my shoulders, definitely not ready to forgive and forget. I just wanna for the while thing abs concentrate

. . . On my family :)

If she was like this about her hen night/ wedding, then I'll bet she will be a massive PITA when she has a baby as well (it will be the pfb to end all pfbs ) .. Some people are just self-obsessed.

The stuff about only being allowed her as Godmother not your other friend is extremely childish, weird and controlling.

The hen night mix up - well, I can see why she was upset but it is so difficult to know how a baby is going to change things before it arrives (for both of you) that it is just one of those things - if she was a good friend I would say water under the bridge but tbh she sounds pretty awful, I would keep her at a distance OP.

Ridiculous to say that to someone imo. If you want to be friends, you wouldn't say some thing like that, and if you don't want to be friends, then you don't need to say it. She's awful. I'd either not return any contact at all, or just say once very clearly that you aren't friends anymore and she needs to move on as you won't be contacting her again.

I don't think it's self obsessed to want to have a hen party and wedding that runs smoothlycountess. The OP agreed to go to the hen party knowing she would have just given birth then pulled out at the last minute. If the OP didn't know what it was going to be like to have a baby she can hardly blame the friend for not understanding. Using the 'when you have children you'll understand' phrase is the red rag here to me tbh.

I think there's blame on both sides, they could agree to both move on from it and start again. The OP isn't ready to do that. I think she wants to feel she is totally blameless in all this hence 2 threads about it!!

You haven't told her why you're upset?

Owl tree that's not the case at all.

I'm well within my rights to pull out at the last minute having just given birth, if you read properly you will see I said to Jill months before that I may not be able to go but she massively overreacted and made me feel guilty about doing so. So I felt I had no choice to say I'll see how I feel. The other bridesmaid was responsible for cancelling the whole thing and I actually should have at that point stuck to my feelings and not get involved, but I thought I did what friends do to still try and help but still got shot down.

Being very hormonal and imobile (due to ECS) I thought I was being unreasonable but after asking people who are neutral I believe that I wasn't at all.

I over worry about things and get anxious and I used this forum to help me see from a different perspective, hence the two threads. Don't read and comment if you think it's rididculous.

I haven't been in touch at all so she doesn't know.

People need to know why someone has dropped them. It is so hurtful and bewildering to be dropped and not know why (you only have to read threads on here where it's happened to people and they are so hurt. because they aren't mind readers and if they aren't told, they don't know)

Is there no way you can just email her and tell her why you are upset and that you don't want contact? At least then she knows to not bother trying to keep in touch?

Sometime Revels, just leaving it with things unsaid can be 'kinder', detailing what a twat you think they are could look as though you're rubbing it in and criticising everything about them dragging everything up again.

It also means she's going to email the OP back with why she doesn't think she's right, then the OP will have to reply etc etc.

If the OP's not keen on her at the moment, why would she put herself through even more?

Fair point. I guess I just see it differently. I can't imagine it ever being kinder to ignore someone than tell them what your problem is. It may be easier but is it kinder to ignore someone and leave them wracking their brain to think why they deserve such treatment or is it kinder to say I am upset about X, Y, Z. ?

It's just my opinion and I do get what you are saying, but I think it makes more sense to tell someone straight why you don't want them in your life and move on. Block their email and draw a line. Tell them that you don't want a reply and won't respond to any further contact. You don't have to get drawn into further communications.

To me, that's better than having someone that you don't want in your life repeatedly trying to get in touch with you. And if it was me that had upset someone, I'd rather they just tell me rather than blank me. That way I can also shrug and say sod you then. And move on, instead of being upset too and trying to think what I did wrong.

It's up to you how you want to deal with it, really. It sounds as though she's going to keep attempting to contact you though, and unless you want a big blow up I think you should get in contact, but just play it cool with her.

If she wants to 'talk it through' just say 'I don't want to go over something which affected me so deeply' If she tries to organise a meet up, be busy, and let it fizzle out.

If you say that to her you can guarantee the end of your friendship.

Only you can decide whether you want to be friends or not. If you do, swallow your pride/hurt/anger and get in touch and if you don't at least give her the courtesy of a brief synopsis why.

Personally if someone said to me "I'm not your friend at the moment but I need time to decide if I want to be" without telling me what I'd actually done wrong I would be inclined to make the decision for them.

I'm getting the impression she thinks the previous dramas are done and dusted, when for you they're not. Frankly if you think freezing her out leaves your options open to rekindle the friendship later on you're wrong. Nobody likes being made to beg and ignored and she will start thinking although you've clearly got a problem with her, you're impossible to talk to and UR and stop bothering with you.

She's likely not to be eager to change that later on - would you? I wouldn't trust someone who treated me like that even if I agreed in retrospect I was in the wrong.

I think you need to have a think about exactly what you want to achieve here. If the friendship is done you just have to decide what terms to end it under. To do it under good terms you have to let go of the idea she's ever going to see things from your perspective and fob her off yourself by making polite conversation and excuses. If you're at a point you don't really care then let her think what she wants and continue ignoring.

If you want to save the friendship then you may have to accept things for what they are, you can't go back in time and neither can she. You can however make the effort to be more assertive and not get brow beaten into things you don't want to do and keep her at arms length.

Basically, if the situation was reversed how would you want to be treated by her and how would you react to the way your dealing with it?

And now I've read your other thread I think it's 6 to one, half a dozen to the other: she's miffed at being joint godmother with someone she dislikes, you pull out of organising hen do in a strop, she cancels you being bridesmaid in a strop....blah blah blah.

I'd be interested to know what she did for your wedding? Did she organise your hen do?

You're both going through major life events: her getting married, you having a baby. You both naturally think this is the most important event in the world (although I suspect you believe baby trumps wedding) so why not cut each other some slack? She's obviously prepared to put your hen do strop behind her, either do the same or move on. There is no law saying you have to stay friends.

this is one of those threads where I would LOVE to hear the other side

Plus everything that iamsparkly said