To say I'm not your friend at the moment but I need time to decide if I want to be

[Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk]

I posted a recent dilemma about my friend called Jill. Sorry I don't know how I can link it on this thread but it was entitled 'to keep this friendship'

I hope some of you may remember it and can offer some more brilliant advice. I'd decided to just keep my distance for a while until I was over it enough to move on, however Jill's tried to contact me recently and even went through dp, so I feel really childish avoiding her but I'm not ready to talk about it all?

It's playing on my mind and each time I think, just talk to her and get it over with, there's a tiny voice at the back of my mind saying "but she was hurtful and I don't want to say I forgive her and move on when I'm still hurt'

I basically just want to say I don't wanna be friends but that seems so silly! I wouldn't even know how to actually say it?

AIBU?? WWYD?

I have to agree that the OP is as much to blame for this falling out as Jill. How silly to agree and then pull out ruining her Hen party.
And why on earth would you feel humiliated at being an 'ordinary' guest. I actually think it was a good idea not to give you any responsibility on the day that way she didnt have to worry about you pulling out and you could enjoy the day.

Jill is also at fault for not realising how having a baby has change your life, many without children don't understand the impact it can make on your life. She also shouldn't have allowed you to reorganise another hen party when dealing with a newborn that's unfair.

I suppose it comes down to how much you really like and value one another. It's possible it was a good friendship at one point but life circumstances change and your both in different places now.
But it would be a shame to loose a genuine close friendship because you both refuse to accept responsibility for the argument and put it behind you.

I don't feel it is 6 of one half a dozen of the other.
You made your feelings clear from the start about your initial fears abut the hen do, she wasn't happy.
You tried to rescue the situation after the cancellation, she wasn't happy.
You asked her to be a godparent, she wasn't happy.
And then, out of what appears to me to be an act probably motivated by spite, she decided she didn't want you as a bridesmaid.
She sounds like a spoilt selfish cow and I can see why you wouldn't want to be friends with her.
She seems to make you sad more than happy, that's not a friend in my book.

Agent ZigZag I couldn't have said it better myself. :)

The whole point to my thread is that i'm not ready to talk it out, because of course she will put her views a cross and explain x y z and that's the bit I'm not ready for. I know she just wouldn't really understand why I'd be so upset (hence the very annoying comment about her not having gone through the whole childbirth and recovery thing).

I don't believe anyone would be totally in the dark of why they've been dropped? I think you would know deep down that you may have upset/offended them, even if its not that big of a deal to you. If that has happened to you then you can either back off and take the hint or hound and hound and hound until you get an answer which may mean the end of the friendship anyway .

It's been just over a week so I will leave it, but if she does contact again I will do the whole, really busy will be in touch soon.

Thank you for your responses

Which is fine Isla, I think the point is that the OP is struggling over whether she actually wants to end the friendship (going by the title) and everything that goes with that and if she does how.

If there are no repercussions - freezing out is fine, but as part of a larger social circle all you do is put people in a position where they feel they have to take sides and the drama's prolonged. I don't think realistically telling someone you're not their friend so bluntly is going to do anything but prolong the drama within their circle and new issues will crop up from it with the potential to lose other friends on both sides. Playing the silent game rarely ends well just like the slagging off and moaning to all that will listen rarely does.

There's really no point in thinking these kind of squabbles don't have a ripple effect - they do. If her current strategy is making things awkward and ultimately her unhappy, it may be worth considering that blatant hostility isn't the way to go for an overall peaceful life.

Aye sparklyknickers I think I probably got too caught up in the initial thread rather than actually offering any advice on this one

My last post probably seems a bit out of sync, can't keep up!

I know could never say the thread title in RL, it just how I'm feeling.

Sparkly That's the whole point, you've clearly pointed out exactly what I need to do which is my dilemma, but I'm waiting for the switch to go in my head that says 'ok now I'm ready to move on and put it behind me' or 'I definitley can't forgive'. I appreciate that it could flick in a months time and by then she's moved on but I'm willing to accept that. I also understand that the longer I leave it the more likely that she's moving on so the decision probably will be made for me anyway. She can be a very forceful overbearing person, so I feel I have to be all or nothing as it would be difficult to keep saying ''I'm busy" without her suspecting something is wrong.

I'm not married.

overbearing was meant look like this, I do t have the hang of all this yet!

Just be straightforward but keep it cool.

You are sad about all the recent upset and misunderstandings but would like to meet up soon and hope you can still be friends.

Then leave it for a while. Quite a while.

Sparkly, I got the feeling the OP was struggling over the decision because she felt guilty rather than because she actually missed Jill.

Like you said Itsy, she must suspect something's going on already. If she's overbearing anyway, is it that she will force the issue because to just leave it would leave her without control, like she has to get the last word in?

I know people like that, who will go at you like a dog with a bone as they think it's not your choice to do nothing, that doing nothing is a weakness and even if they're cutting of their nose to spite their face they'll force you to do it their way (only guessing).

Things can get better over time as the sharpness of what happens gets pushed into the background a bit more. It's not for her to say you have to decide now and that decision will stand for all time. Well, she can, but then the answer would be no.

I agree with plantinum in the main.

I don't think you are ready to resolve this with her, but as your DPs are friends maybe you can just see her when it's a group thing and not one to one. I've 'drifted away' from a friend who is part of a group. The other friends know why i'm less keen on her now, but i've never asked them to take sides and they never have, so what sparkley says is not necessarily the case if you handle it maturely.

What will you do about the fact she is or will be your child's godmother?

'What will you do about the fact she is or will be your child's godmother?'

That's easily sorted by asking the other friend to be Godmother as the OP originally planned, Jill can do what she likes then, if she decides it's not for her that's her choice.

Yes forgot about her, just thought it would be awkward to say 'i don't want you as godmother' especially as the OP was so upset to have been turned down as bridesmaid.

YABU if you actually said "I'm not your friend at the moment but I need time to decide if I want to be". That's drama queen talk.

Just phase things out slowly if you don't want to have a big confrontation. Or grow a spine and tell her that recent events left a bad taste in your mouth and you don't really want to see her.

Agentzigzag again I agree. Are you me? Lol

I know that she will think everything is fine now, as I've not said otherwise, and will want to pick up where we left off but there has been other things that has swayed me to keep my distance such as lots of delays when replying to my messages that really bothered me, so it made me think that because that also annoys me maybe I should just leave it. I just couldn't fake being friends with her with so much bad vibes around us.

I will of course be civil if we are all doing something in a group and I know then ill have to deal with it but for I don't need to. dontspeak that seems like a really good thing to say.

After the whole godmother thing I'd decided I was to ask my sister, Jill's reaction made me wonder if I actually even wanted a friend to do it as we could end up drifting apart in the future. I thought my sister would be the best person and I aimed to tell Jill that at some point anyway.

But you've already asked Jill! What about the upset when she unasked you to be bridesmaid? You can't really unask someone to be godmother without expecting some major fall out really.

But surely Jill would understand considering we may not even be that close anymore? Plus she didn't even want to do it and I had to really make her see why I wanted her to be. IMO if you have to force it then she's not the right person. I was upset because I wanted to be bridesmaid?

I would think that was obvious.

Maybe Jill thought you would understand about not being bridesmaid.

Yeah so did I but I don't

We're not talking as a result of her decision, when I'd asked her to be godmother we were still really close and she didn't want to.

I think there's a big difference.