Overreacting or Not ?? Shall I Back Down & Let Her Go??

[Rockinhippy]

DD has just stormed off to school in the biggest huff with me to date, she's barely spoken to me all morning & is visibly upset & angry, which generally even at this preeteen age is very unlike her :-(

I had to tell her this morning that I am not happy about the arrangements for her friends birthday party later today & as much as I want to let her go, I just don't feel at all comfortable that it is either safe or in her best interests - feeling so crap now I am wondering if I am over reacting - ill right now, so possible, though DH agrees with me, but admits he is prone to over protecting her - its usually me arguing her corner that he needs to let her grow up - shes 11.

Situation is...

Her friends DM, who I consider to be my friend & is really lovely & I would normally trust DD with her without question, despite some difficult family issues - BUT she has only very recently passed her driving test, picking up their new, very large people carrier type car only a couple of days ago - I've no idea how much time she has had to get out driving at night, but I suspect very little, no time with family commitments & other issues.

The DM also has health issues which as they are the same/similar issues as I have, I know for fact can affect night vision & spacial awareness - if she was an experienced driver, this wouldn't bother me quite so much as I know plenty who drive & cope just fine, but it's the combination of new driver, new much larger car that she has already commented on she is going to need to get used to the bigger/wider size.

I've had very bad experiences on 2 occasions accompanying new drivers, with their new cars on their early drives, so maybe that colours my view a bit too much ?

On top of this - My DD also has health issues, which often leave her exhausted & due to an injury she has been having a really bad couple of weeks, to the point of getting sent home from school as she was so shaky & exhausted - she was desperate for a rest yesterday & couldn't even cope with a couple of hours at youth club, so I'm also concerned that she would struggle to cope with a normal type party, but would have let her go as they are very good friends - BUT - plans are for a midnight drive out into the country - friends DD is obviously proud if her DMs new cars & seems its going to be treat a bit as a limo, Ive been told she wants to arrive here by new car to pick my DD up, with music pumping out, drive back to theirs, then much later after dark drive out to a secluded country spot to set of fireworks etc - she wants midnight, which doesn't surprise me, they do seem to have a thing about that time at this age :) -

but that ontop of a weekend sleep over I am just not sure is good for my own DD right now - she took a week to recover from her own birthday & really struggled at school as a result - & that was before the injury :(

I had planned to let my friend know that DD can't go today, but I now feel awful - but then I have every bone in my body screaming not to let her go

AIBU ???

Why on earth did you wait until the day of the party to cancel?

It does seem very mean to decide quite so soon before the party that she can’t go.

If I understand your post correctly your concerns are about her friend’s DM being a new driver (particularly as plans involve driving at night) and that your DD may find the evening all too much.

So why is there not a compromise?

Let your DD go to the party (if you are really really worried about the driving then take her yourself, though tbh I would imagine the mum would be ultra careful because of being a new driver).

Ring up at (say) 10pm and see how she is. If she’s knackered then go and get her. Or just say that you will pick her up at a defined time in the evening. If DD wants to save face tell her she can invent an early appointment the following morning which means she can't stay over.

The whole driving to a remote location at midnight seems very OTT – obviously don’t know the people at all but is there not a strong likelihood that they will get to that time and decide they can’t be bothered?

Because I only found out last night what the plans were - when it was suggested they pick DD up, for what I thought was to be a party/ sleepover, I turned it down saying we would drop her off - the midnight drive out is a new addition to the plans

Sorry, a midnight drive in the country? Wtf? How is that fun?

You should have made the decision before you allowed her to think she was going to be able to go.

Now you are confusing issues, is it about your dds health, or is it about an inexperienced driver driving in the dark? It's no wonder your dd is upset.

I think I'd let her go, but on the understanding that if she is too tired she has to phone you so you can collect her, and that she keeps up with her schoolwork even if she's feeling bad, and even if that means she doesn't do anything else at all for a week. Use it as a lesson in taking responsibility for herself, and living with the consequences of her own decisions.

To clarify...

the drive out is what the birthday girl wants, so I'm pretty sure it will happen - they don't live so close - I don't drive for health reasons - DH will be out at another party that I was also meant to be going to if DD free - so he won't be available for pick up either & relying on buses can be hit & miss especially later at night

How old are they rockin? That's one of the strangest requests for a birthday treat I've ever heard and my own dd can be a bit 'of the wall' at times.

its a bit dodgy to say no on the actual party day!!!

I would say fair enough on if your dd couldnt handle it but yabu to judge her abilities based on your own health conditions, hers might not be as bad and I feel she is much more aware of her limitations than you.

as to newly passed drivers, when older I would think its fine, I woukdnt pass a driving test now!

11 & knowing the girl & not so odd really, I think as its first time they have had a family car, let alone a big fancy one that will fit all her friends in & arrived days before her birthday, she's excited by the car & it sort of makes sense that she wants to show it off - my own DD is prone to odd party requests, so it doesn't seem that odd to me, but a bit of a shock as I wasn't expecting it.

I think reading the replies & writing it down has made me realise my biggest issue is with the night time drive out - had it just been DDs health issues I think I would have let her go without question, with instructions to be sensible etc etc - though I know she's a party animal & wouldn't take any notice as she doesn't like to seem " different" to the others with her health issues

I would let her go for a sleepover but would be a bit unsure of the midnight drive. Could you not phone the birthday girl's mum and tell her your concerns. If you don't want to mention about her being a new driver, say as Dd has been unwell recently you don't want her outside at midnight.
It wouldn't surprise me if the other parents are not too happy either.

Id be uneasy, but I think I'd let her go. I know when my ds got his first car and would go out at id be on pins until he got home, I think it's normal to be nervous with new drivers whether they have issues or not.
She can call you if she's struggling.

Still amused at the midnight drive request though. Cheaper than a party no doubt. Should have thought of that one myself years ago

I'd be unhappy too - why on earth does an 11 yo need to be up at midnight being driven about? Ridiculous. But, although I know it's a last minute addition, I'm not sure it's going to be possible to pull your daughter out without it causing upset or offense to someone at such short notice. I think sadly you've been backed into a corner. I would try and speak to the mum today and say you're very uncomfortable about th idea of a midnight drive given your daughter's health issues and is your friend sure she's up to the drive with x number of excited pre-teens? Try not to directly criticise her, but do outline your concerns. I too would be surprised if you're the only one objecting. Can you speak to any of the other parents too?

YABU to cancel on the day - no wonder she's upset.
YANBU to be concerned, but it's not really fair to say to her "no" when you've told her "yes" all week or whatever.

It's not like she's behaved badly or anything to warrant a treat being taken away from her.

Midnight, Saturday, country roads, inexperienced, lots of kids: probably the single riskiest environment you could be in as a driver, short of drinking a bottle of scotch.

Normally I'd say that the point about inexperienced drivers is that they're more a risk to their no-claims than they are to other people's health; the energy involved in the sort of accidents they have is fairly low, relative to the strength of a modern car.

But even as someone who's been driving for thirty years and have about half a million accident-free miles under my belt, I in part attribute that happy record to avoiding roads likely to be full of drunken tossers driving recklessly at high speeds. Such as, for example, country lanes late on Saturday evening. An accident involving a car-load of kids plus a pair of wankers in a Fiesta who've been on the red bull and Vodka all night is quite a different proposition to a low-speed impact caused by someone carelessly pulling out of an urban sideroad at 3pm. I'm the very opposite of "worried about safety" parent, but I'd say no to that.

I'd let her go. It's very cruel to refuse so close to the party and a midnight drive to the country sounds terrifically exciting for an 11 year old.

I do appreciate your concerns with the mum being a new driver, but at some point you are going to have to trust her. She has a licence, she can legally drive, she's not a 17 year old kid and, if I were her, I'd be acutely aware of having other people's children in the car and be extra cautious.

If your daughter gets tired that's her call. Make sure that she feels she can call and come home if she needs to but otherwise I would let her go and have a good time with her friends.

I do appreciate your concerns with the mum being a new driver, but at some point you are going to have to trust her.

Actually, you don't. I have two friends who I am reluctant to be a passenger in a car with, and would never put my children in the position of having to say "slow down, please, or stop and let me out, I'll get a taxi".

I wouldn't let her go, the midnight drive sounds very risky to me.

I hasten to add that I'm not generally an over cautious parent but my BiL and SiL were killed in a late night car accident so new driver + new (bigger) car + vision/spacial awareness issues + kids = too many risk factors for my comfort.

Erm, a midnight drive out to somewhere secluded to let off fireworks?

This is baffling me, where exactly are they going to let off the fireworks? Most parts of the country actually belong to someone, are they planning some sort of mass pyrotechnical trespass?

It's a bizarre idea for a party . The 11 year old is so excited by the new car that she needs to be driven about in it at midnight? Mad...

They'll probably find that driving out into the coutbeyside inlet off fireworks will frighten wild and farm animals, meaning they might have to stop to talk to the nice police officer. We're next to the moors, and it's happened so many times, you'd think they'll learn by now.

She hasn't said where, but there is a local beauty spot that is a very likely place, it's usually the first thought for all locals with anything like this, so I expect it is there & no problem with trespass with fireworks etc, its a massive open area very high up - high up long winding unlit roads that DH who is a very experienced driver won't drive up late at night.

I should add, that usually I am very laid back & trust DD to be responsible - even though she does complain at times that I'm over protective etc - when I've checked with her class mates parents, turns out I am far from it & she has more freedom than most,

but this just makes me very uneasy, FTR the bad experiences I had with new drivers, with new cars weren't young drivers - mid 30s & 40s, both nearly getting us both killed, including being to scared to turn right, so a short trip ended up on the motorway with the driver freaking out & the other mounted a curb when a lorry came to close - panicked, shot the other way & ended up under the thankfully then static lorry - write off her brand new sports car :-/

Got to admit though that I'm surprised DD herself is happy to go, she is very prone to travel sickness too & usually balks at the idea if a drive - anywhere as she gets so embarrassed if she's sick with others - she's even shying off an upcoming school trip for this reason

Is it just me that thinks this sounds fun????

No curlew I think it sounds fun too & knowing the girls concerned it suits them, if DM had car longer & was more experienced & DD was happy to fish travel sickness, I would be happy to let her go - but as it stands it still doesn't make me feel any less uneasy about it :(

I think you have to say no to the being out at midnight. It's down to you how close to the truth you get. In your position, I'd phone the mum and explain that, once she's back at their house you really don't want her to go out again - use her health as a reason.

Say you'd hate that to stop her going altogether and that you feel terrible about the notice but you only just discovered the plans.

Hopefully, by the time DD comes home you'll have it sorted and can tell her that, because you know how much she wants to go you've sorted it out so she can be there, but with a few changes.

Good luck

Damn, I have messaged my friend the DM & she's not getting the full messages, I'm out of phone credit & need to go out to sort that out, can't ring her as I've lost my voice (infection) - I'm comfortable talking with the DM about it as its usually her who comes to me with worries about my allowing her DD too much freedom when here, though like me she owns up to that being down to personal experience & that she realises she over reacts

Bugger