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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overreacting or Not ?? Shall I Back Down & Let Her Go??

58 replies

Rockinhippy · 18/10/2013 09:13

DD has just stormed off to school in the biggest huff with me to date, she's barely spoken to me all morning & is visibly upset & angry, which generally even at this preeteen age is very unlike her :-(

I had to tell her this morning that I am not happy about the arrangements for her friends birthday party later today & as much as I want to let her go, I just don't feel at all comfortable that it is either safe or in her best interests - feeling so crap now I am wondering if I am over reacting - ill right now, so possible, though DH agrees with me, but admits he is prone to over protecting her - its usually me arguing her corner that he needs to let her grow up - shes 11.

Situation is...

Her friends DM, who I consider to be my friend & is really lovely & I would normally trust DD with her without question, despite some difficult family issues - BUT she has only very recently passed her driving test, picking up their new, very large people carrier type car only a couple of days ago - I've no idea how much time she has had to get out driving at night, but I suspect very little, no time with family commitments & other issues.

The DM also has health issues which as they are the same/similar issues as I have, I know for fact can affect night vision & spacial awareness - if she was an experienced driver, this wouldn't bother me quite so much as I know plenty who drive & cope just fine, but it's the combination of new driver, new much larger car that she has already commented on she is going to need to get used to the bigger/wider size.

I've had very bad experiences on 2 occasions accompanying new drivers, with their new cars on their early drives, so maybe that colours my view a bit too much ?

On top of this - My DD also has health issues, which often leave her exhausted & due to an injury she has been having a really bad couple of weeks, to the point of getting sent home from school as she was so shaky & exhausted - she was desperate for a rest yesterday & couldn't even cope with a couple of hours at youth club, so I'm also concerned that she would struggle to cope with a normal type party, but would have let her go as they are very good friends - BUT - plans are for a midnight drive out into the country - friends DD is obviously proud if her DMs new cars & seems its going to be treat a bit as a limo, Ive been told she wants to arrive here by new car to pick my DD up, with music pumping out, drive back to theirs, then much later after dark drive out to a secluded country spot to set of fireworks etc - she wants midnight, which doesn't surprise me, they do seem to have a thing about that time at this age :) -

but that ontop of a weekend sleep over I am just not sure is good for my own DD right now - she took a week to recover from her own birthday & really struggled at school as a result - & that was before the injury :(

I had planned to let my friend know that DD can't go today, but I now feel awful - but then I have every bone in my body screaming not to let her go

AIBU ???

OP posts:

dexter73 · 18/10/2013 11:02

I think it sounds fun too curlew!

digerd · 18/10/2013 11:03

I'm with you OP for all the reasons you have mentioned.
Especially the winding uphill narrow country road in the dark that even DH would not do, never mind a people carrier type of car.
I would be sick with worry knowing what could happen. Bet some/most of the other mums will also be.

Pinupgirl · 18/10/2013 11:08

Its.a.drive.in.a.car.with someone who has passed their test. Who presumably is a responsible adult. Are you usually so precious? Although it all sounds bollocks to me.

skylerwhite · 18/10/2013 11:10

Ah, let her go. It sounds fun. Since when are people carriers some sort of dangerous vehicle?

pudcat · 18/10/2013 11:15

Is it not illegal to set fireworks off after midnight. Also I don't think your neighbours would be impressed if she arrives at your house with music blaring out. That would not help a new driver's concentration either. As you only found out the details yesterday YANBU. I would not let her go.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 18/10/2013 11:33

Just a thought. Is there a possibility of any livestock in fields or horses in stables being in the vicinity of the fireworks.
If so, their owners would be mighty pissed off.

Doingakatereddy · 18/10/2013 11:44

Sounds like a irresponsible plan to me - driving large vehicle, middle of night (sleepy), with excited kids, music blaring to set off firework?

Like the opening credits of an episode of casualty. Yeah it's shit your staying no on the day, but that's parenting . Making the shit but right choices

cherryademerrymaid · 18/10/2013 11:47

Im very surprised the mother hasn't said no to this. Im with Friday - dark country roads, Saturday night + inexperienced driver and gaggle of excited pre-teens? Recipe for trouble.

bundaberg · 18/10/2013 11:48

i don't think i would have a problem with this. on the face of it.

BUT, it's your decision to make.

I truly believe in following your gut instinct, and if it's screaming no at you, then there's a reason for that!

perhaps there is compromise though? could you drop dd round?

cherryademerrymaid · 18/10/2013 11:51

And to those who think just because the woman has passed her test its a fine and safe proposition - my grandmother has been driving 70 years - she's never been a good and safe driver; and there's a reason new drivers have higher insurance premiums - they pose a higher risk.

loveandsmiles · 18/10/2013 12:03

I have an 11year old DD and no way would I let her go to this ridiculous party ~ who goes for a midnight drive with a car full of kids? ~ crazy...........

Andro · 18/10/2013 12:05

Since when are people carriers some sort of dangerous vehicle?

Since it's over a tonne of motorized metal, that this is a big car in inexperienced hands only makes it more so.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/10/2013 12:06

If everyone who has passed their test is a good driver why are there so many accidents?

I think logic dictates some people who have passed their test are NOT good drivers.

I think any 'she's passed her test so MUST be competent' is nonsense.

I'd try and reach a compromise with the party OP.

GhostsInSnow · 18/10/2013 12:10

On another note, fireworks in the country at midnight, really hope its a very secluded spot or she's going to be upsetting livestock and homeowners.

Putting my grumpy head on for a moment fireworks in general piss me off unless its 5th November or NYE. Quite why we suddenly have to have them for every occasion is beyond me but if you must let them off don't do it at bloody midnight, secluded spot or not. /end rant.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 18/10/2013 12:10

A beauty spot at midnight on a Saturday! Am I the only one thinking it will be a dogging hotspot or is that just round here

Bonkers idea and I would not let my child do the drive. Sleepover, lovely, driving about late at night, no......

cashmiriana · 18/10/2013 12:20

Looks like the fireworks - quite apart from being staggeringly anti social - would be illegal

www.gov.uk/fireworks-the-law

GhostsInSnow · 18/10/2013 12:24

doyouthinktheysaurus such an appropriate name when discussing dogging hotspots

Vagndidit · 18/10/2013 12:25

I wouldn't let her go under the premise that friend's DM sounds like she's about 17 herself to even consider such a plan. In what world is it sensible for a group of 11 year olds to go out on a midnight country drive? What is this mother thinking? They're 11, ffs.

Thisisaeuphemism · 18/10/2013 12:31

The mum is crazy! New driver, new car, loads of kids in the dark, winding roads, she is seriously overestimating her abilities.

Are you sure it's her who will be driving?

SelectAUserName · 18/10/2013 12:44

Doyouthink I thought the exact same thing.

OP, do you think the other mother is aware that "well known local beauty spot", especially one secluded enough to be considered suitable for setting off fireworks (!) is likely to be Dogging Central at midnight on a Friday/Saturday? That would take some explaining to a bunch of pre-teen girls.

I think it's unfortunate that the details of the proposed entertainment have come out so close to the time of the party, but I think YANBU to have concerns over the plans now that you are aware.

lljkk · 18/10/2013 12:48

I think you are being too overprotective, OP. yabu (sorry)

QueenNel · 18/10/2013 12:54

If you have any doubts at all about letting her go for the midnight drive then dont let her go. If anything did happen you'd never forgive yourself.

stowsettler · 18/10/2013 12:58

Doyouthink, Selectausername, me too.

Plus inexperienced driver

Plus big car

Plus loads of over-excited, screaming pre-teens in the back

Plus possibility of disturbing wildlife with fireworks

Plus (possibly) the potential to be on the same road as pissed-up, drugged-up racer boys in their souped-up Corsas

= Really bad party idea (although admittedly on paper it looks fun)

I'd definitely try to have a word with the other mother, point out all the above and try to persuade her to change the plans.

Although it's probably too late now

Topseyt · 18/10/2013 13:28

I am a fairly liberal minded mum, and I also have an 11 year old daughter. I would never consider letting her go on a midnight drive to a lonely spot with an inexperienced driver to set off fireworks illegally. I think it gives off totally the wrong message because this is not acceptable behaviour.

As fireworks definitely ARE illegal after 11.00pm I wonder why they are not setting them off from their garden earlier in the evening.

I would tell her straight that you are not happy for the following reasons:

your daughter's health.
illegal fireworks set off after the legal curfew.
lonely spot, very dark and hard to see roads, possible dogging and illegal activity, drugs users etc.

Maybe as an inexperienced driver she just does not appreciate yet what challenges night driving can throw up, especially with children in the car. I have been driving for 30 years. I am not keen on night driving at the best of times and only do it when I really must. I would not do what this woman is proposing.

Original poster

Rockinhippy · 18/10/2013 13:47

Can I just clarify, that around here fireworks aren't illegal later in the night, if so I council would be in trouble all the time - much to m? annoyance too, they are very fond of a midnight plus firework, so that doesn't bother me,

nor are there any livestock or homes in the probable spot - there is a big pub restaurant overlooking it all, no trees or other cover

dogging - that made me laugh at first, but is a valid point these days I suppose, but not at the spot I think they are likely to go to, though that said, I've never been up there at night, so who knows

My instinct is screaming "no" at me, which normally would be enough for me as its something I have learnt to trust, but I just wasn't sure if that was based in my own bad experiences in the same situation, or really instinct saying don't do it - hence why asking here - though it's split, so I think I would be more confused than ever

As far as DD is concerned, the problem seems to have made its own solution - I've had to go up to school to give her more pain meds at lunch time, to have her throw herself at me in a big hug - very unlike her, she's usually way to cool - - turns out she is suffering badly with nausea symptoms of her health condition & now says herself that she doesn't want to go I n the car & be more ill - she says she would rather stay home now, but doesn't want to let her friend down either

I've text the DM suggesting DD comes over tomorrow instead & just waiting on reply

OP posts:

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