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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these are red flags

44 replies

MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 20:30

my friend thinks I'm over reacting,

nice guy couple of dates so far so good but

shit relationship with his ex where they are in court and he sees his children once a fortnight in a contact centre which he has never missed, apparently it's like this because he would not give in to her demands of £400PM.

his dm has a key to his flat and goes over and tidys it up for him.

It might be because I have had a few shitty relationships -_understatement-- and no I don't have any spidery senses about him one way or the other I just find this off putting.

So am I over thinking it all?

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 17/10/2013 20:34

His mother tidys up for him?! This would make me run a mile .

As got the contact centre I'm not certain but I'm fairly sure contact as he has is not solely on the grounds of finances. I may be wrong about this but I would be suspiction!

MissMarplesBloomers · 17/10/2013 20:36

Nope, trust your spidy senses.

Access & maintenance are 2 seperate issues.

RF No 1...he doesn't pay for his kids voluntarily.

RF No 2....Contact centre access is not arranged for anyone with just a mild disagreement with their ex, I'm sorry.

RF no3.....he's never going to find someone who looks after him like mother!!

Are you running yet??! Grin

Original poster
MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 20:40

Just to clarify she has apparently told lies to the court because he wouldn't pay her £400, I think he does pay just not that amount.

OP posts:
TheCricketWidow · 17/10/2013 20:41

My concern would be the fact that he sees his kids in a contact centre..theres more to that story than you know i feel.

Original poster
MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 20:41

I actually think he's nice, if it wasn't for this...glad I'm not the only one who thinks its odd"!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/10/2013 20:42

Slagging off the ex, classic red flag. Ditto not wanting to pay up for his kids. And the last one. . . his ma tidies up for him?

DELETE, BLOCK this person asap. He is bad news.

Lilacroses · 17/10/2013 20:45

I agree with you OP. Both of those things would make me wonder and would probably make me equally concerned. Meeting the kids in the contact center and the being horrible about the ex is worrying and the bit about his mum tidying his flat....ugh, I just cannot stand that in a grown adult.

LonelyGoatherd · 17/10/2013 20:46

Scarlet crimson flags flying high.
Move on.

Sidge · 17/10/2013 20:47

Having contact with his children in a contact centre would be a massive red flag for me.

AFAIK that is usually ordered via courts or Children's Services because there is considered to be risk to the children or the resident parent from the non-resident parent.

Dawndonnaagain · 17/10/2013 20:52

I wouldn't be comfortable if he is only seeing his children in a contact centre. I'd start disengaging as soon as possible.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 20:53

So, what are you going to do about it ? Carry on seeing him ?

Original poster
MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 20:54

Obviously I cannot go to much into it in case ex in question is on here, but apparently it's in case he runs off with them back to his country. It hasn't been contact in contact centre very long and last year he took them abroad on holiday.

Whether it's all a bunch of lies from her to them, or he is what she says it's all to much drama for me anyway.

I always thought contact centres were for parents with dc in ss care or violent parents who still had contact, or absent parents trying to prove they can be reliable. It's not the go to position for contact when courts are involved is it?

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 20:55

So, you are ending it then ?

Original poster
MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 20:55

No I'm not going to carry on seeing him, it's been sitting uncomfortably since he told me last night.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 17/10/2013 20:56

Bright red flags all over the place, move on.

Dahlen · 17/10/2013 20:57

OP there's a heartbreaking thread on MN at the moment involving a mother who is being forced to let her son have unsupervised contact with his father despite police and social services involvement because of suspect sexual abuse. Supervised contact is not granted just because a parent claims it is necessary. There have to be grounds. That alone would send me running.

Having his mum come round to clean his flat? Ugh! I don't find able-bodied, perfectly capable men who behave like children to be remotely attractive.

expatinscotland · 17/10/2013 20:59

Oh, please, cut off contact with this guy. WAY too many red flags.

teacherandguideleader · 17/10/2013 21:00

My bf's mother comes over and lets herself in and does stuff - it bothered me to start with but now it doesn't at all and I just see it as a few less things I have to do! (I also get on great with her which helps it be a non-issue).

The other things would be massive red flags though.

DontmindifIdo · 17/10/2013 21:00

Love, get those running shoes on, he's not a keeper.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 21:01

It's just that I see these kinds of threads quite a lot. A woman comes on to ask if she is BU about some rather worrying red flags. Unfortunately, it is clear to all concerned though that she has no intention of dumping said fuckwit.

Or we get repeated threads where the same poster comes on looking for different answers to the same questions.

I hope you get shut.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 21:03

teacher are these "things that you don't have to do" because his mummy does them only your responsibility ?

Original poster
MuffCakes · 17/10/2013 21:15

I know there are cases where ex's are awful (I have a fair few) it's the contact centre thats the biggest sign saying run muff run. It was only a couple of dates nothing to get excited about will just not return last text. Don't have to dump him or anything.

OP posts:
josephinebruce · 17/10/2013 21:18

Please, end it. He's bad news. You know it xx

HoneyStepMummy · 17/10/2013 21:24

I'm presuming his mum is choosing to help him out by cleaning his house? I'm guessing he's not forcing her into it. You said he's from another country- this is very common in a lot of Southern European countries.
Did you ask him why the visits are at a contact center? What I would be most concerned about is do you want to be involved with someone who has children with a difficult ex?

SaucyJack · 17/10/2013 21:27

What's his income?

£50 per child per week doesn't sound like an outrageous amount for his ex to ask for IMO.