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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let go of a best friend?

23 replies

dontmentionit · 17/10/2013 18:15

My best friend of 21 years - stopped speaking by phone for the last month or so, emails are either ignored or very little response. Trying to meet up is difficult. I have had a few times where could have done with support from her but not really there.
I had a termination which she didn't agree with and now that she is pregnant I suspect this is what is causing the above.
SHE would like to meet up in a few days but a big part of me just feels like saying -actually no thanks and moving on.
AIBU to expect anything off of anyone regardless of how good a friend they are? or should I just give her space?

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 17/10/2013 18:20

I'd drop her as quick as humanly possible. Who the hell is she to judge what you decide to do with your body.

newgirl · 17/10/2013 18:28

Ah now I think you are both going through tough times and if you can let dust settle time may heal (how many cliches sorry!)

If you manage to meet up perhaps just say you on different paths at the mo and try and keep it light?

MrsLouisTheroux · 17/10/2013 18:29

I would go and see how she is with you. Sometimes people withdraw if they are depressed themselves. If she is unfriendly or unpleasant at all when you meet, drop her.

claudedebussy · 17/10/2013 18:32

she might be struggling with your termination. i would go with an open mind. i can understand your hurt, but it might actually be totally unrelated and she wants to explain.

FreudiansSlipper · 17/10/2013 18:32

no she should not have judged you, for her at the time it might have been something she could not get her head around. 21 years of friendship is a lot to through a way

maybe she wants to in some way move on but do you?

good friends may at times let you down, no one is perfect but good friends can move on from things like this

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 17/10/2013 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 17/10/2013 19:05

Do you think she could have been trying to conceive when you had your termination? She shouldn't have judged but perhaps it was too painful for her?

I'd go and meet up and try and be friendly.x

emuloc · 17/10/2013 19:16

Second what cjel said. That would explain a lot about her behaviour. I would meet her and see how it goes.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 17/10/2013 19:16

I wouldn't let a best friend of 21 years go quite so easily.

If there are no other issues maybe this is something you can move on from?

I'm not suggesting her desertion of you was right though.

Mintyy · 17/10/2013 19:21

She might be struggling with your termination?

Well ... what if she's not?

What if she's feeling awful (sick), or scared, or exhausted.

Or, conversely, excited, over the moon, ecstatic about her pregnancy and doesn't want to "rub your nose in it"?

You can't let a long friendship go just like that because you have "suspicions"!

Mintyy · 17/10/2013 19:21

You don't know that she is judging you. Find out what is going on first before you dump her.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/10/2013 19:24

She may have been going through something else as well. You won't know until you speak to her. If anything it will either give you closure to your friendship or you may just move on past this once you know the reasons for your friends behavior.
21 years is a very long time to just throw away a friendship.

Original poster

dontmentionit · 17/10/2013 19:40

Pass yes a true friend puts her feelings aside? other situations (over 21 years) where a card/text/email/phonecall would have been appreciated which was not forthcoming as she had other things going on in her life so dismissed this but now am thinking she's a little self absorbed?

I loved her like a sister, which is why I'm finding it hard to know the best thing to do. I have always been there through everything, not passed judgement, at the end of the phone or to pop over.

OP posts:

29chapel · 17/10/2013 19:43

I wouldn't ditch a friendship of that longevity because of a lack of communication - she may be having a tough time too. Space is required on both parts i think. Hope you work it out.

Milkjug · 17/10/2013 19:53

It sounds as if you just have different ideas about what constitutes an appropriate level of friendly support in difficult situations...? I would see her again before deciding to end a long friendship.

ColderThanAWitchsTitty · 17/10/2013 20:12

Do you think she could have been trying to conceive when you had your termination? She shouldn't have judged but perhaps it was too painful for her?

seconded. She may have even had a miscarriage you didn't know about.

I am totally prochioce but I had a friend come to me when I was struggling to conceive because she wanted to talk about having a termination... and while I realised she needed a friend, she also knew my situation and I felt like she wasn't being a friend to me.

It wouldn't be your fault if you didnt know and this was the case though..just see what she has to say

ColderThanAWitchsTitty · 17/10/2013 20:14

actually thinking about it, I had 2 friends do that when I was trying to get pregnant! And I didn't feel I could say, don't you have anyone else you could talk about this to...because it's breaking my heart! but neither thought about my feelings

tumbletumble · 17/10/2013 20:18

If you've been friends for 21 years and things have been bad between you for 1 month then I think she deserves a second chance. I'd meet her, OP.

Amibambini · 17/10/2013 20:31

If she's been a friend for 21 year, one month of off-ness isn't a reason to drop imo.

Here's a crazy, way out suggestion.

Meet up with her, and politely, kindly ask why communications between the two of you have been so difficult for the past month. You are both grown ups.

GhettoFabulouz · 17/10/2013 20:40

A good friendship should include honesty. If she is feeling awkward or angry with you she should be able to express that tactfully and hopefully get past the issues. Maybe she wants to meet with you to express that or tell you what's been going on.

Go and meet her, see what she has to say. If she brings up no issue, maybe you can say you've felt she has been a bit distant, is there any reason. This will give her the opportunity to talk, if there is one. Either way you both can express your feelings and reaffirm your friendship.

I'm in a similar but different situation with a friend who has spoken to me in a year. So I know how your feeling, angry, hurt etc.

But give the benefit of the doubt and I hope it works out.

cg13 · 17/10/2013 21:02

Ultimately you have to do what's right for you. But, I just lost my best friend in similar (ish) circumstances. Because of miscommunication and grief we've fallen out spectacularly and I don't see a way back for us. I too loved her like a sister, I felt we were soulmates. I miss her every day and the pain doesn't seem to go away (it's now been four months since we last had contact). If you can try to keep your friendship alive and not end up feeling this bad I would try if I were you. Good luck.

Lilacroses · 17/10/2013 21:19

It sounds like you are both in sort of opposing points in your life. I would NEVER judge someone for having a termination but if you are ttc or have just had a miscarriage the world seems incredibly unjust and many people feel extremely angry at other people who seem to "get pregnant so easily". I'm not saying that's how it is or was for you at all and I know it's illogical and unfair but I do remember being privately livid with my lovey sister in law for being pregnant "suddenly" when I'd just miscarried.

Maybe see her and see how if feels or maybe just put it off for a while and see if you feel differently. Hope you can work things out.....sometimes it really does just take a bit of time.

Original poster

dontmentionit · 17/10/2013 21:57

That is hard and insensitive of your 2 friends colder no they weren't being a text good friend.

Loving the sarcasm ami and yes easy to say just feels awkward now to bring it up. And I'm angry once I start talking may not stop.

cg and ghetto sorry you are talking from experience

OP posts:

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