To want to give up work and have babies?

[DangerOfDisaster]

I've just turned 25. I always thought I wanted sproglings around 27/28 but recently (6 months) I've had a yearning to start earlier. I'm settled in a long term relationship, I've been with Mr Right for 8 years, we've talked about getting married but we don't think its really worth the expense at this time. We own our home and we've both been steadily moving up the pay scale for the 3 years since we left university.

I've mentioned reproducing sooner rather than later to DP and I think he may have experienced more than a few heart palpitations. He's the kind that wants everything settled; wants to be married, have done renovations to the house and basically does feel it's a bit soon. I think this is fair enough, the feelings surprised me too, nevertheless they still exist and I can't stop thinking about it.

I've also been having a hard time at work recently, how much can this be contributing to my feelings about kids?

I want to say no time is the right time but we also both feel that me being the lower earner should become a sahm and I really don't know if this is feasible. How much does one man need to earn to support a growing family?

Reading back through this post I seem to be more worried than I thought. There are so many issues about becoming a mum than scare me so maybe it is still too soon...

You will never have enough money, a big enough house, a stable enough career... if you keep waiting for everything to be perfect, it will never happen!

Having said that 25 is still young and you have plenty of time. Perhaps you could agree to some goals you want to achieve and after those are in place you will start TTC? Otherwise it becomes an endless "Oh after I get this promotion" "When the house is finished" etc which might never happen.

Getting married is a good one I think, just because it makes things simpler legally and if you plan to change your name then all of the family will have the same name. It doesn't have to cost a lot (and you'll have more money available now, than you would if you had DC). But obviously, whatever is right for you.

Once you know where you stand and how soon you're likely to start trying, that lessens it a bit I think. Especially if you have things to occupy you in the meantime like wedding planning, house renovations etc - those are both good things to get stuck into!

I decided to start my family at 25 and finally aged 28 I have my 4 month Ds asleep on my chest as I type. When I started ttc I had started a new career which was much more demanding than my last and i wasnt sure i wanted to continue down that path. I felt that I'd rather have children. Due to problems conceiving I continued with my job and learned to enjoy it but also learned that my desire for a family was not, as I had expected due to an alternative to my job. I was just really broody!

I think what I'm trying to say is that there is never a perfect time to start a family and the road to a baby is not always smooth. One thing is for sure. You will not regret it.
As for finances, I think unless you are high earners it will always be a struggle but we do OK on his £30 something salary and my maternity pay.
Good luck.

Being messed about at work is probably going to make you think fondly of staying at home, no job, just playing with your lovely children.

The reality is, if you don't have children, you have no real idea whether you'd be suited to being a sahm. It can be boring, lonely and frustrating, and time spent with young children isn't always that fun.

So don't have kids just because you don't like your job, make sure you are ready for them. With someone you think you will make a supportive father.

Of course YANBU to want that. Whether it's wise to do it right now is another matter though.

Both PPs are right - if you wait until things are perfect, you'll never have DC. If you are sensible, you'll wait until the optimum time in your particular circumstances, but often that's not perfect because few people are ever in the position where they have the perfect meeting of factors ideal for bringing a child into the world all at the same time: Happy stable relationship, both wanting to have a child, both in permanent jobs with high salaries that won't be affected by parental leave. If only those people who had those had children, we'd soon have a population crisis!

Which isn't to say anyone should just go ahead and do it anyway. There are some situations in which having a child is clearly a recipe for disaster. Your situation does not sound like one of them.

I think you need to talk to your DP about this much more. The biggest factor that would stop me in your situation is the fact that he says he isn't ready and seems reluctant to get married. These are viewpoints he is entitled to hold, but you need to establish whether they will change and how long you are willing to wait.

I would not have a baby with your DP until you are either married or you have legally drawn up protection for yourself.

good luck.

Getting married costs less than £250 with nice wedding rings. A wedding can be very expensive, yes.

Even when you're only talking to yourself, it's very important not to equivocate with language.

If the wedding is important to you, then it's your decision. But if it isn't...

P.S. If you're not getting married pre-children, you are setting up wills, right? Right?

I agree with bumpandkind - there is never a perfect time to start a family.

I started a family a lot later than you're considering, at 35, when things were supposedly more settled with regards to house, being married, futher on in my career, good financial situation etc - but guess what, more stuff just comes up! Things like husband going through 3 rounds of being at risk of redundancy, parents getting older, sick, needing help etc, various other dramas...but whatever happens and whenever you have a baby, you'll get through it.

At 25 you definitely still have plenty of time, but if you pin it to specific goals as your partner suggests, then the timing could potentially never be right. You've done the right thing by starting to talk to him about how you feel - just keep chatting to him about it without pressuring him. Have any of his friends started families yet? I think that if he's the "first" as well, this could all add to his apprehension.

And with regards to work, yes, not enjoying work can be a contributing factor to how you are feeling, so in the meantime, try and find a way to make work more enjoyable, whether that is moving roles or finding a new job - pinning your hopes on having children as a "solution" to a problem isn't a great idea, in my opinion.

good luck!

I thought I wanted to be a SAHM til I was off on Maternity Leave and so so so keen to get back to work.

I think being a sahm without being married does leave you less protected.

You can have a cheaper wedding - if you chose.

While there isn't a perfect time to start a family however once DC are here it can be harder to do things - as money and time do go into them. I would have though house renovations would be easier pre-DC if possible.

It's also possible if you are unhappy at work that you are viewing being a SHMP as an escape route so idealizing it ignoring that it can be very hard lonely work however lovely and loved your DC end up being.

However do make sure you aren't being strung along and that your DP does actually want DC in next few years rather than at some vague never met 'point'.

Aw thanks everyone for your replies. It's my first post so I was a bit nervous about the responses.

To answer some of your questions it would be a 'wedding' we want. I'd be the first to get married on my side of the family and his family are so close knit that they would be disappointed at anything smaller. Thing is we started planning a big lavish affair with help from my parents when it all fell through as the 'help' was more than I can handle. We both still want to get married and while we still want to please everyone we want to scale it back a bit and save some moolah.

We're also at a point that with my difficulties at work and some health problems and he's doing his final couple of exams to qualify as an accountant we just don't have the time or inclination to plan a wedding. I know this isn't sounding ideal for a newborn either but he would be qualified by April and we should have some time back. My work also seems to be improving and if I don't feel any better about it moving will be seriously on the cards. The wedding issue has just been gone over so much that we're a bit sick and tired of it.

The sahm thing does worry me, I like the children I've met but I haven't had a lot of interaction with younglings. DH and I tend to like alternative things to our age group so having babies at this stage is likely to put us even further out of touch. We have no friends who have or are considering babies. Both of us had sahm's his was a CM and mine was just lucky. Going back to work is not something I won't consider but I feel like work can already be difficult so how much worse would it be with the distraction of a pfb? Alternatively I don't want to lose my autonomy and while my DP is very supportive and I think he will be a great dad I don't know how the power balance will be affected.

My finances in the house are protected and we have life insurance drawn up but wills would be something we'll probably do - mainly because he's careful like that.

I realise I'm doing everything I can to present this as a sensible idea. I think I'm mainly trying to convince myself, I don't know if I can go about convincing DP if I don't have conviction in my own argument. Either way it's something we'd wait until at least he's done with his exams. I want to make it explicit that the sooner the better to him without coming across as demanding or pressurising.

Sorry for yet another long post.

You sound like you're being very sensible about it all.

Good luck for your future together, and in the meantime, just enjoy the practice.

If you have a search through, there are lots of threads about the legal importance of being married (rather than having a wedding) before having children, particularly if you are to become a SAHM. I'm not a religious traditionalist - far from it, I see marriage as providing important legal protection for the more vulnerable (usually the woman) in a relationship.

There are also lots about starting a family with a reluctant partner.

And many more about how boring it is to be stuck at home with young DCs.

FWIW I would never chose to have children without being married, or with someone who was not 100% on board with the idea.

why give up work before having babies? fair enough afterwards of you can afford it/ agree on it.

do you not get maternity benefits?

id be tempted to go part time to keep your foot in the door in this economy tbh.

I wouldn't give up work before, I get maternity and so any help will be of use. I would take the leave and if it suits me decide not to go back - or go back until they find my replacement.

It also does depend if we can afford it. That's part of the pressure. At the moment he can't afford to pay the bills on his lonesome so my income is needed. He is expected to get a payrise in line with his qualifications but even then supporting a household and new baby is a big ask for any man. Even it is his intention that I am a sahm.

It's all pointing towards waiting at least another year - I'll just be the crazy lady peeking into prams until then!

Get married first, we did it the other way round as I was older and we needed to get a shift on, on medical advice, but then organising a wedding was tough with a baby as well and ours was a laid back wedding. Also if you SAHM I would want the protection of marriage first.

You might feel ready to start a family now but your oh has said he is not.

I think you need to be happy to give up work, have babies, and then return to work and leave said babies. Unless you can afford to stay at home, that is the incredibly difficult decision to make. I was lucky enough to be able to alter my hours to work evenings so I can amuck time as possible at home with ds, but my relationship with dh has taken a hit. I'm your age, I'm very glad to have had my child now as I'm fit and healthy, and may not be able to say the same in a few years. Just think long and hard about whether or not you will be happy to make all those changes long term. I thought I'd be itching to get back to work. In reality I wish I'd saved enough to enable me to stay at home a few more years as I can't bear the thought of being away from my son.

Whilst I don't think I'd be entirely happy to return to work I think I'd be lucky to be able to stay home. I'm still not sure being a sahm is for me - unless I'm able to get out the house. I can't envisage DP being anything other than fully supportive of me staying home because that's what our parents did and he believes it's best for a family.

Our relationship is incredibly strong. I don't believe even if we did break up I wouldn't be taken care of but I hear what you're saying about finances being even tighter afterwards. I guess we're just going to have to bite the bullet on the marriage front

Do it! Do it!!!!

In that case go for it. As long as you are both happy to have children now of course!

Just bought this up with OH*. Got the below response:

"I’m not stressed about it atm as I don’t think its something that is going to happen for a couple more years.

I do want kids with you just seems like a big deal, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m old enough. Having kids is something old people do."

I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. I don't want to wait till I'm old!!

*Note the demotion from DP

Hmmm. Reminds me of the conversations I had with DH a couple of years ago! I agreed to put it on the backburner until we were married and had some breathing space. After both being made redundant in our respective jobs last year, we realised that there never would be a right time/total security/ enough money and just went for it. I am glad I waited and got him onside - but I am also glad the redundancies brought the issue home.

Whilst there is never a right time, you can arrange for a optimal time (reduce debt, get the legal bits sorted, etc.) and work towards that.