To want to give up work and have babies?

[DangerOfDisaster]

I've just turned 25. I always thought I wanted sproglings around 27/28 but recently (6 months) I've had a yearning to start earlier. I'm settled in a long term relationship, I've been with Mr Right for 8 years, we've talked about getting married but we don't think its really worth the expense at this time. We own our home and we've both been steadily moving up the pay scale for the 3 years since we left university.

I've mentioned reproducing sooner rather than later to DP and I think he may have experienced more than a few heart palpitations. He's the kind that wants everything settled; wants to be married, have done renovations to the house and basically does feel it's a bit soon. I think this is fair enough, the feelings surprised me too, nevertheless they still exist and I can't stop thinking about it.

I've also been having a hard time at work recently, how much can this be contributing to my feelings about kids?

I want to say no time is the right time but we also both feel that me being the lower earner should become a sahm and I really don't know if this is feasible. How much does one man need to earn to support a growing family?

Reading back through this post I seem to be more worried than I thought. There are so many issues about becoming a mum than scare me so maybe it is still too soon...

I had my baby before all my friends, and now a year latwr they're all either up the duff or nursing their newborns!

I have lost some friends over breeding, but they were mainly fickle going out pals. My thoughts are if they can't wait until I'm in a position to have grown up fun then they aren't worth the wait.

As to money, I'm not bothering about going back to work. After childcare fees and my transport I will take home less than £100 a month. I'm not being parted from my baby for that.

Being a parent is tough, it's exhausting and at 3am nursing a screaming baby after no sleep for weeks you feel so alone. But you aren't. You will need to make friends and that is what the various baby groups are for.

There are upsides. You get to to watch this little person you made grow up and learn things. It's fascinating watching them learn to eat, crawl, stand etc. Things from their perspective is amazing. The flush button on a toilet for me is just there, to dd however a source of mystery and wonder. When she first noticed dripping water and the look on her face when she realised she couldn't grab it.

Realistically you both need to be on board with it. You need the support. You need enough money to pay bills. You can survive happily on little 'fun' money. Babies don't give a stuff if things are secondhand.

Yeah I just feel the benefits and stress of raising a little person will far outweigh the stress of my job. Realistically though DP isn't going to be on board until he's feeling like he can support us. Minimum I suppose he wants his next payrise and to have paid off the car (only bad debt we have other than mortgage and student loans). Marriage would also be ideal.

I'm just fed up of waiting. We were lucky to be able to buy our house a while ago, it's now been a couple of years of interim where we're saving for every possible event under the sun.

I think maybe I am being unreasonable but I just want to get going already!

why not do part time work, then if you still want to be a sahm you can quit later.

its much MUCH easier to quit a pt job than to find a pt job to fit around you and childcare iyswim.

what if you hate being a sahm?

doing it the other was makes so much more sense

we almost set a date for kids. we got married at 23 and decided to try for kids at around 26 to get our fun outof our system. if he had then faffed about I would have told him to do one

he doesnt have a ticking clock

Pin him down

That looks like a copy and paste - have the discussion in person, not online. I'm 25 as well and totally understand the generational thing about talking online seeming sometimes more natural than face to face but this really is a discussion where you need to sit down and hash it out on paper, even if there are tears involved - especially if there are tears involved.

I'm not saying you make him sign a contract saying "Babies before I'm 30 or I'm leaving you!" but just to gain an idea - what does he mean by "old"? Not 25, clearly. So 30? 40?What makes someone old, age, time, accomplishments? Does he realise that your fertility may start to decline at around 35? That IS ages away, but if you want more than one child it makes sense to try and work out a rough timescale now considering you're pregnant for 3/4 of a year, and you may want to allow about a year or two for TTC just in case it takes a while, plus age gaps if you want more than one.

You start off the conversation making it clear that you're not expecting him to drop everything and start TTC right now, not at all - but you just want to see where he is in his head in terms of when he is thinking it will happen, and work out a plan for both of you, knowing that this might change, but just so that you know you're on the same page in terms of expectations. There's nothing worse than you waiting and waiting for him to be ready and him happily trundling along thinking "Oh yes, we'll do that one day" and by the time you get around to it it's more difficult than it would have been. If you both want children, then sort out when, and at least you'll know, even if it means another discussion at the time you agreed.

I agree that in some ways there's never a right time to have a baby ... BUT-

• it is definitely the wrong time if your partner isn't on board. Having a child is not about fulfilling your desires unilaterally. If your partner is being honest that he does not want children yet, then you need to respect that

• also, don't fall into the trap of having babies because your job isn't going well and staying home instead seems a more attractive option. Being with babies and young children can be tough, gruelling and isolating (as well as fun of course)

Far better to be doing it from a positive position of saying 'hey life is really good as it is but a baby would be the icing on the cake' than 'I'm not particularly happy with things as they are so a baby might fill that gap.'

I was 27 when I had DS and none of my friends had babies for some time. Most weren't married then, though most were in relationships, but there were a few occasions we had to miss out on (engagement parties in pubs) and times we had to remind them we couldn't just go out in the evening at the drop of a hat. I lost touch with a couple of friends, but they were more casual pals than real friends. I wish in some ways I had had babies at the same sort if time as my friends - I definitely missed out on the ladies what lunch phase a few of them had!

But... There are big advantages to having babies "early" too, like childcare getting easier when they go to school and juggling work demands and home is easier if you generally get a full night's sleep! DD has since come along, so we have sort of lost some if the advantages of our early start, but I do like the thought that when DS is 18 I will still only be 45 and will have plenty of time to do really well in my career.

Returning to you.... Have you looked into practicalities like maternity leave from your current job? Does DH actually realise things like the increased risk of miscarriage, Downs, difficulty ttc all increase with age (physically, you're probably at your peak about now, even if he's got decades left in him)? He might need it spelling out - mine did.

So talk and talk, but start to agree a plan and put it into action. Eg wait until he is qualified before you start to plan the wedding, but set a close-ish date and agree that you'll start ttc straightaway after the wedding (gotta love a honeymoon baby )

DP and I are currently waiting for a good time to start TTC as well. I have a DC from a previous relationship but it will be our first together. He's slightly a lot keener than me at the moment, I'm excited and in some ways want to start now but in others I want to settle in a bit first (we've just moved) and get experience in the job I've just started in etc.

If you decide to do it in a year or two give me a poke, we could be buddies

Read what janey68 says, she speaks sense.

Don't idealise being a sahm, it's hard bloody work having children, as well as amazing. Your DH has to be on board too. What does he mean by 'old'?

Being a mum was all I wanted to be really. I was a very young mum with DD1 and then did go for a career and she was in f/t nursery but it just didn't feel right for either of us. I quit to be SAHM from DD2 and that was 14 years ago. Have been a SAHM since and now have 5 DC. In that time I have also volunteered and am almost finishing an OU degree. I

I have enjoyed every minute. I had some very difficult life events which also would have made it impossible to leave my younger DC while they were babies/small. My DH and I manage by having a smallish terraced house, sharing a car, UK holidays etc. We are not well off but manage. We started with nothing at all (teenage parents) so things only got better. My DC are all at school and am busy studying but when degree is finished would only work if had to or if found a job that fits in with DC.

Some people are more home/family focused and there is nothing wrong with that. Neither is there anything wrong with wanting family and career.

I do agree with Janey as well. Jellybeans I think you were lucky. I thought that what I always wanted to do was have children and be a mum, but actually when I was a stay at home mum, I was shit at it. I was bored and I felt like I shouldn't be, I had all of these wonderful ideas but never the motivation to actually carry them out. The motivation should have been my DC but it never really happened that way for me. I now work part time and we are all happier for it, although I'm still not the mum I thought I would be. It wasn't like I had a rosy picture of it in my head either - I knew it would be hard work, I suppose I didn't really anticipate in what ways it would be hard. I hate the relentless cleaning up after them and the way that most of our interaction seems to be me telling him to do stuff/not do stuff rather than doing things together or having fun. Again, not what I envisioned our relationship to be but it worked out that way.

Fair enough BerstieSpotts although it took me a while to adjust initially. I felt quite isolated for a while. It can be hard work (parenting, whether staying home or working) I will agree. I too have worked p/t and found that a good balance. DH's job means I can't do that anymore so that is why I volunteer school hours and i have pretty much always studied so that keeps me socializing etc.

Depends. What is your oh earning potential and do you live in an expensive area eg london. How long do you have left on your mortgage? My DH has earning potential of 75-90k in a few years time, but even so I don't think I should give up work. I have a pension with work and I like the security. Also, working means that we could move house in future if we wanted to. Ideally I would give up work for 2-3 years after babies and then go back either full or part time. Unfortunately that isn't an option in my job. It is all or nothing. In fact he going back afterwards is what puts me off starting a family.

I didn't mean it in a negative way towards you jellybeans :) I admire anyone who can do it and am a bit envious of those who enjoy it! Ah well - silly to be sad about whether I enjoy something or not!

You are too young to pin yourself down to that life. So is he - and he doesn't want to anyway. You run the risk of ruining everything, just because you can't wait for a while longer. Work sucks sometimes. As you get older you realise that. But if you are earning your own money you will always be independent and that's worth too much to throw away on some silly romantic notion. Seriously, grow up.

Very blunt Josephine, but I think you are right.

Are you okay josephine? You seem rather angry on several threads tonight.

I'm fine, thank you. Just a bit fed up with some people. Think it's time I went to bed before I really upset someone tonight though ;-)

Me too. I came into the bedroom to hang up the washing and instead I've been on mumsnet for 3 hours getting annoyed about stuff that isn't even my life and doesn't matter

Hi all, I really appreciate your comments; they've been really insightful and helpful. I've discussed the situation fully with my OH face to face and he even read the thread

I realise now that IABU as he isn't ready. We've agreed to wait until after he's qualified to discuss marriage and see where we go from there - possible honeymoon baby

I'm going to have to get myself a hobby, as while his life is full of exams and working towards career goals my life is just feeling a bit unfulfilled and devoid of meaning atm. I've never really viewed myself as someone who put stock in these emotions so I think these feelings have just kind of shocked me and it was nice to talk it through with people who don't think I'm crazy and who have been through it

Jose horn, I don't understand why 25 is "too young to pin yourself down to that life". It drives me mad how many people blithely assume they can put off having a family until their 30s and are then surprised when it doesn't all GP to plan.

go, obviously...

And Josephine.. Gah! Bloody autocorrect!

I became really broody at about 25 after going through a hard time at work (well, in my PhD, so slightly different). I think I just realised that family was important to me and I didn't want a high-flying stressful career and my priorities shifted - there's nothing wrong with that.

DP didn't quite agree - felt we were too young, both still studying (him doing his postgrad professional training). We agreed to wait another year or two, we got married in the meantime, he fully qualified and then I had dd at 27. Things have worked out perfectly for us - very much helped by two days of free childcare a week and fantastic support from MIL - a lot of people don't have that and it makes a big a difference, I think. I'm not a SAHM, I study and work part-time and find that balance is (usually) perfect for us.

I would have a chat with OH and find out what age he thinks is appropriate. I think the lack of peers having children and getting married had a big impact on my DH - if everyone else is doing it then it perhaps seems less 'scary' or 'old'?

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Maybe focus on your own career? Or any voluntary groups/clubs if he is working late in the evenings - book club, helping at brownies or guides, meeting with friends more?
Hope the broody burning doesn't consume you in the meantime!