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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think if DH needs to get up early sleep in the spare room?

102 replies

RigglinJigglin · 15/10/2013 06:39

Currently rageful so am posting here to see if I'm am.

DH travels for work, quite often leaving early or home late. This morning he had to be on the road for 5.30am. His alarm (which was like a siren in our room) went off at 5am waking our 5month old and me.

Cue baby screaming and me being on the point of tears. I've had weeks of shitty sleep due to baby having a cold and then me having a cold, and the 4month sleep regression being like hell on wheels. I am frigging tired. And he's not home til Thursday now.

AIBU in asking DH to sleep in the spare room on future nights / mornings? Saving all our our sanity. He seems to think so Hmm

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 15/10/2013 12:43

How would the op feel if the dh started saying she should sleep in the spare room with the baby because she wakes him up at night?

I would have said, 'Good point, you have to go out to work tomorrow so I'll do that.' In fact, DD's room had a double bed and a cot, so one of us often did sleep in there with her. When there is a baby in the room and night wakings going on, then the last thing you think about is your bedroom being a precious love bubble. It is about survival and getting through.

PrimalLass · 15/10/2013 12:44

I fact, getting more sleep makes that first year a lot less hard on your marriage/partnership.

MrsHowardRoark · 15/10/2013 12:45

Well my relationship is obviously headed down the shitter as we have separate rooms 5 nights a week Shock

My DP gets up at 5am everyday and goes to bed at 9. I like to read in bed and turn lights out at 11. We also have a DD who wakes in the night who I see to and I'm 6 months pregnant.

This way we all get the best nights sleep possible, it minimises competitive tiredness and we enjoy our time together at the weekend.

It's not perfect but you do what you need to when you have young children. Oh, and I have the main bedroom and he is in the spare.

Doomed I say!

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 12:50

Your call, Frouby

Though I hope if your DH really is that decent he will offer to sleep on the comfortable sofa himself sometimes, you will kill your back otherwise.

yummymumtobe · 15/10/2013 12:59

I started a similar post a couple of weeks ago. I have a 5 week old who wakes at night but then will sometimes sleep till 9am giving me a chance to lie in and catch up on sleep. Dh gets up at 6.30 so it was the case that no sooner had I finished the night feed then his alarm was going off. And dh couldn't sleep during the feed anyway as he is a very light sleeper. Our solution based on replues here was that we go to bed together and then when baby wakes for feed I go and feed him in the spare room and then sleep in there too. Result is that although dh is woken when baby wakes he can go back to sleep as doesn't have to listen to baby slurping and guzzling noisily for over an hour. And then he doesn't wake me when he gets up.

The idea of putting up with lack of sleep when there is an alternative just because you are married seems crazy! Sleep deprivation and crankiness are more destructive to a relationship!

YBR · 15/10/2013 13:03

For years I have got up earlier than DH - I used to start work at 8 an hour away whereas he started at 9 to 9:30 and just 10 mins away, OTOH his work would include Saturdays whereas mine very rarely does. We have different alarms, neither at shocking volume so we could sleep through each other's, plus I became adept at dressing silently in the dark.
These days he's the SAHP, and only gets up about 30mins later (I need a lift to the train owing to SPD) but the habit holds somehow.

At other times either of us might take ourself off to the sofa (no spare bed) just because we've a lurgy, or restless legs, and because we don't want to disturb the other.

Notice the difference though - neither of us needs to "send" the other away because we're aware of the consequences for each other.

jammiedonut · 15/10/2013 13:29

If both are happy to be in separate rooms, then it can work perfectly well. In this case I think yabu. You can go back to sleep, or at least lie in bed whilst he goes off to work, and babies aren't guaranteed to sleep anyway (I.e. dh could be in spare room and baby may wake at 5am anyway!). Dh has always stayed in the room as, regardless of having to get up for work, once I have fed ds, if I am struggling, he can take over and change ds or comfort him while I try to sleep. I think you need to have a conversation in terms of ways in which your dh can support you at night if he wants to stay in the room. That way when he disrupts you in the morning it's not so bad and you won't resent it as much.

jammiedonut · 15/10/2013 13:37

I should add that ds is a terrible sleeper and I do know how difficult it is to function when sleep deprived. I also have the privilege of being at home in my pjs whilst an equally sleep deprived dh goes to work a full day at work (then come home and cook dinner, as well as do nothing I've not managed to do). It's very important to me that I fall asleep and wake up with my dh, it is genuinely the only time we get to spend together on our own as when dh gets home he understandably wants to spen as much time as possible with ds. Obviously is not as important for others, but just wanted to give another perspective. Helps to have a dh who shares your views

Scarynuff · 15/10/2013 16:20

The man is an adult.

He is waking you and the baby needlessly.

You are not responsible for him, buying him a quieter alarm or telling him where to sleep. He can make those decisions for himself.

He knows that it wakes you both up but, presumably, he doesn't care. If he did care, he would do something about it.

All you need to do is tell him how inconsiderate he is being.

Hunfriend · 15/10/2013 16:36

Frouby please dont sleep on the sofa with a new born baby- its high risk for SIDS.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 15/10/2013 16:54

I used to go and sleep on the sofa with the baby in the bouncer, DH could kill someone while working if he is tired.

On maternity leave, I used to rest as much as possible ( no housework, shopping paying bills ect)

If we had a spare bed i would have gone there.

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 17:05

How is sleeping on the sofa high risk for Sids? How is it different from baby sleeping in a sling.

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 17:10

Presuming you are holding the baby I mean.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 15/10/2013 17:11

I think it's because the baby can get over heated.

MinesAPintOfTea · 15/10/2013 17:16

Also its easy for the baby to get trapped between adult/sofa cushions.

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 17:22

More over heated than in a sling though? I wouldn't put a baby on the sofa to sleep but I always used to put my feet up on our sofa with ds on my chest and we used to doze, blimey that kept me same for the first year!

Hunfriend · 15/10/2013 17:30

Its because the sofa is squashy and the baby can get stuck/trapped if the parent falls asleep.
Sorry I wasn't trying to derail thread .

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2013 17:32

DH gets up at 5.30am most mornings. He has all his stuff in another room so that he doesn't bumble around in the wardrobe or need the light on.

We don't have a spare room but I wouldn't make him sleep there every day.

I think in your situation spare room for DH would be a good idea though, because then he won't disturb the baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2013 17:37

frouby please don't sleep on the sofa with your baby, it is so, so dangerous.

Also - with your first baby, yes you can sleep. With your second it is much much harder. Even if you older child(ren) are at school you just can't switch off in the same way because you know you need to go and do the school run later on.

I really hope your DP works out for himself that him being on the sofa is a better option than you being there.

Strumpetron · 15/10/2013 17:43

YABU.

I'd feel differently if he didn't have to go, but it's work he has no choice.

Strumpetron · 15/10/2013 17:44

It's more high risk to sleep on the sofa because of the materials of the sofa? I did get some literature on this from a research website, ill post it when I find it

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 18:11

Ah ok so no risk of baby is held?

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 18:12

If not of

Hunfriend · 15/10/2013 18:31

valium the risk higher if you fall asleep holding the baby on the sofa because of the softer nature of the sofa structure and risk that the baby will slip down between you and the sofa or overheat.

TarkaTheOtter · 15/10/2013 18:32

valium still risky if there is any chance baby might roll off you whilst you sleep.

OP, dh and I regularly took nights off in the spare room when dd was little. It didn't hurt our marriage at all. Sometimes he would suggest it so as to get a full nights sleep before a busy day. Sometimes I would ask him to go because I get more sleep when I have the bed to myself. As our spare room is equally as comfortable we kept the baby in our room where all the baby stuff was and the not on duty parent would go in the spare room. We found being considerate of each others' well being was more beneficial to our marriage than always sharing a bed during those early days.