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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think if DH needs to get up early sleep in the spare room?

102 replies

RigglinJigglin · 15/10/2013 06:39

Currently rageful so am posting here to see if I'm am.

DH travels for work, quite often leaving early or home late. This morning he had to be on the road for 5.30am. His alarm (which was like a siren in our room) went off at 5am waking our 5month old and me.

Cue baby screaming and me being on the point of tears. I've had weeks of shitty sleep due to baby having a cold and then me having a cold, and the 4month sleep regression being like hell on wheels. I am frigging tired. And he's not home til Thursday now.

AIBU in asking DH to sleep in the spare room on future nights / mornings? Saving all our our sanity. He seems to think so

OP posts:

ditavonteesed · 15/10/2013 11:33

I get up at 5.30 for work I would be absolutly gutted if I was made to sleep in the spare room (not that we have one but inprinciple) . I do however lay out all my clothes and work stuff in the bathroom so I dont go back into our room when I am up, our alarm is on dh's side and he makes sure I am up and turns it off. That said we dont have a small baby.

waikikamookau · 15/10/2013 11:38

my colleague gets up at 4 am with her husband.

op why don't you get up when you dh does, that way there would be no calls for Anyone sleeping in the spare room , make him his sandwiches, drive him to the station.

valiumredhead · 15/10/2013 11:42

Thought would be an option if this was 1950

Mandy21 · 15/10/2013 11:50

OP you are definitely NOT being unreasonable and you definiely should not be moving into the spare room.

You all need your sleep - you, baby and H. Can only go from my own experience but exhaustion + new baby is going to have a bigger negative impact on my relationship with H than H spending a few nights in the spare room.

Its down to respect for one another and recognition that tired parents don't generally equal happy couple or is that just me?

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 11:51

This site so needs a Worst Advice Ever button.

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 11:52

Sorry Mandy, I hope it's obvious which bit of advice I'm referring to. The one that's so bad you can see it from outer space.

froubylou · 15/10/2013 11:54

Well obviously you would get the baby back to sleep first.

I know you are tired and pissed off and probably feel a bit shitty but my DP would be deeply hurt if I asked him to sleep in the spare room (not that we have one) because 1) he wants to sleep with me in his own bed in his own room and 2) because the reason he is waking me up is to go and earn money to pay the bills and feed us all.

It might be quite a 1950's view to have of things but I think that if he has the decency to support me and my DD (who's biological father doesn't bother) and has told me it doesn't matter if I don't go back to work once the baby is born then I want him to feel he is my partner and not a nuisance or an inconvenience. And if he has to wake up at 5am to get to work, then I can at least be awake enough to give him a kiss and tell him to drive carefully?

So yes it might be annoying when the alarm goes off. But bloody annoying to get up and leave a warm bed and a (hopefully) sleeping baby too. I worked full time from my DD being 3 weeks old and left her with her (useless wanker) father. And can quite safely state that being a full time SAHP is a lot easier than a full time, working outside of the home parent.

And yes you can snooze when the baby snoozes. Babies do sleep. Might not feel like it and they might not sleep when it's convenient but if they didn't at least sleep some of the time then they would get ill a lot quicker than we would.

And just to horrify you all a bit more when Baby Frouby arrives in 9 weeks and 4 days (cos he will be on time, yes he will) once Mr Frouby goes back to work if Baby Frouby keeps him awake me and baby will be down on the sofa until its time for Mr Frouby to get up. Then I will get DD to school and me and baby will go back to bed for the day if we have to.

But feel free to repost this at me in about 3 months time when I'm also sleep deprived with a newborn hung off my boob, a house in chaos and a DP who happily skips out of the door to go to bastarding work for the day then comes home expecting a hot meal lol.

Mandy21 · 15/10/2013 11:55

don't worry dreaming, didn't think you meant me, I always give perfect advice

FizzyPink · 15/10/2013 11:59

My boyfriend always sleeps in the spare room if he's coming home late at night or getting up early, I think he likes the peace and quiet!!

heidiwine · 15/10/2013 12:02

YABU...don't pull the spare room card unless he won't lower the volume of his alarm (or put it on vibrate). If he's nervous about this at first then ask him to set 2 alarms - one for a few minutes after he has to get up which is louder and will stop him oversleeping - he can switch that one off when he wakes up.
MY DP travels a lot with work. He is picked up at 4:45am or on a good day 5:30am. His alarm is very quiet - I do wake up but only because I am a light sleeper. The night before he puts everything he needs in the spare room and gets dressed/showers/has breakfast without me even being aware he's up. I then like him to come and say goodbye as I won't see him for a couple of nights.
It's not ideal and a pain in the arse if he's waking the baby too. But sending him to the spare room is (in my unqualified opinion) sending him a pretty negative message. But then, sleeping in the same bed as my partner is crucially important to me (and my him) and it may not be for you and your DP.

wink1970 · 15/10/2013 12:03

wow, way to alienate your DH! Good luck with your marriage if you feel it's reasonable to send him to the spare bed just because he has the audacity to have to get up early to go to work.....

If you have to sleep apart, you need to be the one to move rooms, and only on the nights when he has an early start. I can name at least 4 friends' marriages that started to fail at exactly the point where the feels like a spare part DH was sent to the spare room (and funnily enough ended up preferring it there).

noblegiraffe · 15/10/2013 12:05

And yes you can snooze when the baby snoozes

My baby only sleeps for 45 minutes at a time, 30 minutes if I'm not holding her. How do you suggest I get enough snoozing in during the day to make up for being woken every two hours at night? So that I could be happily woken at 5am?

This thread is weird, I can only conclude that the posters telling the OP she should suck it up have never been sleep deprived, or have much older children and have forgotten how bone-crushingly awful it is and how much you crave decent sleep. Not wanting to be woken up simply so you can kiss your DH goodbye like an obliging 50s housewife

fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 12:06

We haven't got a spare room.

DH needs his sleep as much as i do. When baby comes he is planning to put his phone on vibrate under his pillow, use a small torch to find his way out of bed and onto the landing and have his work gear in a pile there waiting for him.

nurseneedshelp · 15/10/2013 12:06

Sorry but I think YABU!

We both work long shifts and there's normally one of us that has to be up at 5.30 am, we just put our uniform out on the landing so we get straight up, washed and dressed without disturbing the rest of the house.

Can't you choose a quieter alarm?

Don't think the poor man should have to sleep in the spare room!

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 12:11

Frouby, if you seriously think that a postpartum woman and a newborn baby should sleep on the sofa so Mr Precious Man can get a full night's sleep and skip off to work, then I don't know even know where to start.

Just because your ex was a wanker doesn't mean you have to genuflect to this nice guy who took you on.

Do you think he's sitting around work thinking, thank god the Mrs has the decency to take care of my children all day? No. It's not about decency. It's about partners splitting roles and responsibilities. He's not better than you for working and he has no more right to the bed than you do.

Honestly, I don't get this emotional attachment to the bed, all these people being deeply hurt over this. It's a simple practical arrangement about maximising sleep for everyone, for what in the end is a very short period of time in your life.

Sunnysummer · 15/10/2013 12:20

Maybe the underlying disagreement here (other than the 1950s types) is actually coming down to who has had babies who sleep well vs not? Because lots of the people saying YABU seem to assume that (1) the two of you will have had equal amounts of sleep by 5am (possibly true if you have a baby who sleeps through, but not if you have a frequent night waker and it's you that gets up), (2) that you can get a 5 month old back to sleep - ha! and/or (3) that you have a baby who will sleep well in a cot during the day and you can catch up on sleep or at least relax then.

I suspect that none of these 3 things are true, otherwise you wouldn't be on AIBU. Don't make the super mums / super martyrs make you feel bad! Babies are only small and in their parents' room for a short time, and the risk of divorce following a couple of nights in the spare room is surely less than the risk of homicide following awaking an exhausted mother and a grumpy baby early in the morning

NorthernChinchilla · 15/10/2013 12:27

YANBU at all. An alarm waking someone up in a room where there's a 5 month old?!

DP and I spent the first 9 months of DS's life in separate rooms- me co-sleeping with DS for the first five months, with DP updstairs, and then DP in DS's room whilst I had our room for the following 4-5 months when I went back to work and DP stayed with DS.
Given that we had a tiny baby, we were all pretty well rested.

The idea is to maximise sleep for everyone, you, your DP and your DC: try selling it to him on the fact that he won't get disturbed by your baby, as well as you and the baby not getting woken by a foghorn at 5am!

However, lots of people thought it odd we were in separate beds, even though it was just for a time-limited period, like it was the first step to breaking up...so you'll probably get a lot of that too.

wannaBe · 15/10/2013 12:29

personally I would move the baby. If the baby is in her own room (and you're coming up to six months now so risk factors reduce) then she can't be woken by the alarm and you can go back to sleep.

My xh got up at 5:20 AM every morning to go to work because he commuted and got there earlier so he would get to see ds before he went to bed. some mornings he had to be there earlier and would have to get up at 4:30. It would never have occurred to me to tell him he had to sleep in the spare room. How would the op feel if the dh started saying she should sleep in the spare room with the baby because she wakes him up at night? People would be quick to jump on him then as well - the man can't win.

No wonder so many dh's feel sidelined, if the op feels inconvenienced she should be the one to move.

But IMO the best solution all round would be to move the baby.

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 12:32

Yes Northern, you can see it even on this thread. Sleeping separately? Might as well order those divorce papers right now!

Me and DH slept apart for good chunks of DS' first year (he was a terrible sleeper). Still very much married and more in love than ever. Sometimes you just have to do whatever you need to do to get through things, it doesn't have to be a big deal unless you make it one.

Retroformica · 15/10/2013 12:32

My husband would sleep in a different room if his alarm had to go off that early.

Your DH can't value your mental health or well being to insist that he sleeps in shared bedroom. Why isn't he thinking about your needs more?

I'd be tempted to move baby and self into spare room

froubylou · 15/10/2013 12:33

Well dreaming we all have different things we do to make life easier and nicer for our families.

My DP makes my life easier by giving me choices on whether I work or not.

He hardly took me on and dragged me out of the gutter by the way. I chose to make a life for me and my DD with him. We live in the house I chose for me and DD and until recently worked out of the home too. I'm lucky enough to now have a choice.

I do what I think will work for my family. As well as DP there is DD to consider too who has school all day. If me bringing the baby downstairs lets the 2 of them get the sleep they need to get the through the day then that's what I will do.

DP is a builder for one thing. He often drives a couple of hours a day plus is working in a pretty hazardous environment. For safety reasons if nothing else he needs enough sleep to keep himself and others safe.

We are very happy. To be fair a lot happier than many other couples I know. I am hardly the epitome of a 50s housewife. But you can't know that from a couple of posts on a forum.

And my sofa is comfortable to be fair.

5madthings · 15/10/2013 12:34

Yanbu my dp often has to get up early for work or comes on home late and will sleep elsewhere so he doesn't disturb me.

And the baby is only 5mths so should be sleeping in the same room as an adult according to SIDS guidelines.

My youngest is nearly two but dp will still sleep elsewhere rather than disturb us, its just the kind thing to do, he knows I need my sleep!

Ditto if I go out and am late home I won't disturb him.

noblegiraffe · 15/10/2013 12:35

Not getting this sympathy for the poor sidelined DH over the poor OP, up all night with the baby, practically crying with lack of sleep. It's insane.

Retroformica · 15/10/2013 12:35

I'm not surprised sleep deprivation is used as torture because it is torture. He should really be enabling you to get enough sleep to cope

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2013 12:36

wannaBe, if the problem was the baby keeping the husband awake, I would suggest the spare room in that case as well.

I mean, isn't this the whole point of spare rooms? For when you need a spare room? Why do people have them if they never use them?

To me the aim is sleep maximization, forget gender or who's working or not, just do what's best for sleep for all.

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