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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tit for tat finances

55 replies

thehorsedentist · 14/10/2013 20:13

When I first became pregnant myself and my partner tried to discuss finances but he refused to have a joint account and I was expected to pay exactly 50% of household and baby expenses whilst on maternity leave. It was a struggle for me and I had to resort to my credit card for bills most months and had to wear shoes with holes in because I had no funds left after essentials.

Now my partner has just been made redundant and will have to rely on JSA until a new job can be found. I have been forced back at work 24 hours a week, after being signed off with stress for 6 weeks.

AIBU to not support him at all financially and ask him to move into his mothers house so I have less expenses to outlay?

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 14/10/2013 20:19

I want to say that two wrongs don't make a right. But his behaviour is so shitty I'm going to say go right ahead!

More relevantly, why are you still with the selfish bastard?

WhoNickedMyName · 14/10/2013 20:19

This doesn't sound like any kind of partnership. You'd probably be emotionally and financially better off alone.

Xales · 14/10/2013 20:32

Totally agree with you not supporting him in the slightest and asking him to move out.

While he is there consider if you want back a man who lets the woman who has just had his baby get into debt and wear shoes with holes etc.

It may be a wake up call for the selfish wanker.

TheCrackFox · 14/10/2013 20:34

YANBU

However, the best thing would be to dump this stingy, miserable arsehole.

kinkyfuckery · 14/10/2013 20:36

Why on earth are you together?

Yet another disfunctional relationship....

CuttedUpPear · 14/10/2013 20:41

OP I put up with the same from DS's father. He was a mechanic (working at home or on friends' cars) and would charge me an hourly rate to do essential jobs like putting new brake pads on my car. I paid a cheaper rate than his other customers, it was pointed out to me, so I should have been grateful.
I had to clean a mutual friends' house including washing her floor on my hands and knees when I was 8 months pg, this in exchange for wholesale foodstuffs so our other DCs could eat. XP had money, he just didn't want to share it.

I WAS A FOOL for staying with someone who thought so little of me. And you would be too, but I'm sure that you wouldn't wait as long as I did for the penny to drop.

Now would you?

RevelsRoulette · 14/10/2013 20:47

I am only surprised hes still there now!

Original poster
thehorsedentist · 14/10/2013 20:56

I'm not forgiving his selfishness but I thought I'd explain the situation further.

I rely on him to drop off and collect our baby from the day nursery. I work irregular shift patterns between 5:30 am and 11:30 pm any 7 days of the week. Without him around I cannot do my job, and despite looking I have not found an alternative job.

He also has a car and thus has a larger expenditure than me who walks everywhere for free.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/10/2013 20:57

YANBU

He is financially abusive.

You would be crazy to support him in any way.

Does he expect you to?

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 14/10/2013 20:59

People live like this?

BeCool · 14/10/2013 21:01

He also has a car and thus has a larger expenditure than me who walks everywhere for free.
...... in shoes with holes in them. Which he was happy to sit back and let happen. I'd have problems forgetting/forgiving that.

YANBU to get him to move into his mothers. You might find you prefer it that was more permanently though. He sounds very selfish and self obsessed.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 14/10/2013 21:02

Yanbu.

It's not tit for tat, either, it's called not being a mug.

happydaze77 · 14/10/2013 21:04

OP, if he doesn't like idea of a joint account how about splitting equally the total amount of money coming in each month, having exactly half each, in your own separate accounts. You then split the bills equally, but are each free to do what you want with the remainder.

Although, having been treated like you have I would be tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Xales · 14/10/2013 21:06

It seems you have a choice of paying to keep him to do the childcare outside your work hours or look for a child minder? Personally I suggest you look for a child minder so you have just those costs.

Or can family help you short term until you can find a better arrangement.

Alternatively could work give you better hours temporarily?

You really deserve better than this treatment.

Original poster
thehorsedentist · 14/10/2013 21:46

I have looked for a childminder but none will offer the hours I need on a flexible basis. None of my family live on this side of the country. None of his family would be willing. I won't pay him to look after our son as it is his responsibility too, right?

Work is a big issue for me as I have been off sick and they have said I'm not entitled to sick pay for the time I have been off so have only received a tiny amount of pay for holidays that I had booked off within my sick period. I have had to shell out over half of it on childcare so now only have £101 for the rest of the month.... Even though I got paid today.

OP posts:
Yakky · 14/10/2013 21:51

I would "employ" your partner as a childminder. But don't forget to ask him to continue to contribute 50% out of his money!

Xales · 14/10/2013 21:54

Sounds like your work has screwed you over your holiday pay Sad

Have you looked where you stand if you left your job?

He should still be paying 50% like you did right? So all his JSA and his credit cards for the difference. He won't have to use his car to work daily so less cost there?

I don't know what else to suggest sorry. I hope things improve.

Yakky · 14/10/2013 21:56

And if he argues that stumping up 50% of the household income is unfair, just remind him that he thought it perfectly fair when the shoe(with the holes in) was on the other foot.

WhoNickedMyName · 14/10/2013 22:02

You've got choices.

Are you renting or home owners? Do you know what kind of financial assistance you'd be entitled to as a single parent? You need to find out.

You could kick his arse out to his mums and go after him via the CSA for money, or not, your choice. He continues to have contact overnight and weekends with his child and you work your shifts around contact/arrange his contact around your shifts. Is that an option?

You could quit work, move back to near your family, and look for another job and home there, meanwhile you've got some family support?

You could carry on as you are, insist that he covers 50% of all costs and put a 'get out' plan in place, squirrel away some money, though that sounds impossible, and lying in bed next to someone that's treated me with such contempt and let me walk around with holes in my shoes would make my skin crawl.

What I wouldn't count on is him seeing the light about what a gobshite he is.

daisychain01 · 14/10/2013 22:03

I like thecrackedfox's description, spot on!

Any man who forces his OH to knowingly get into debt for whatever reason is vile and shabby. Urghhhh!!

BeCool · 14/10/2013 22:43

Your job does sound very difficult re the hours. They do have an obligation to be more family friendly now you have a baby, or at least consider it. Have you discussed this with them?

Original poster
thehorsedentist · 14/10/2013 22:46

I have a meeting with a tax credit advisor soon to help me work out what is the best option for me. I am very confused about what help I could even get.

Work have royally screwed me over with my sick pay, but legally they were able to do this as I was 75p under the threshold for ssp. Morally they are cunts but legally they are sound. The fact that I had a few days holiday booked saved me.

Sorry for my rants, everything is falling apart around me.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 15/10/2013 01:03

Work have royally screwed me over with my sick pay, but legally they were able to do this as I was 75p under the threshold for ssp.

It does sound as if your employers may not have fulfilled all their obligations, thehorsedentist. If you were 75p under the threshold for SSP, then you are earning about £108 per week (plus pennies), so in that case your employers should have issued you with form SSP1 (within 7 days of the start of your illness).
You would then use that form to claim alternative benefits, during your period of illness (ESA).

If your employers did not issue you with form SSP1, you should take it up with your employers immediately and contact Jobcentersplus.

[Also, if you are working 24 hours per week for c£108 per week OP, it may be you should also check in case your employers are paying you less than the national minimum wage ... depending on age, of course, and some other criteria].

Hope this helps get your sick pay sorted out (although it won't help sort out your DP, sorry Smile).

Lweji · 15/10/2013 01:35

YANBU.
You should probably leave him at his mother's for good too.

You don't rely on him for childcare. He's just doing his job as a father. More so if he's out of work.

Make sure you work out a flexible share of the child care with him.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 15/10/2013 07:32

Yanbu. He's a selfish cunt, and I hate that word so don't use it lightly.
I don't think I could have any respect for a man who watched the mother of his child get into debt and walk around with holes in her shoes whilst on maternity leave. You will almost certainly be better off in your own, emotionally if not financially.