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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tit for tat finances

55 replies

thehorsedentist · 14/10/2013 20:13

When I first became pregnant myself and my partner tried to discuss finances but he refused to have a joint account and I was expected to pay exactly 50% of household and baby expenses whilst on maternity leave. It was a struggle for me and I had to resort to my credit card for bills most months and had to wear shoes with holes in because I had no funds left after essentials.

Now my partner has just been made redundant and will have to rely on JSA until a new job can be found. I have been forced back at work 24 hours a week, after being signed off with stress for 6 weeks.

AIBU to not support him at all financially and ask him to move into his mothers house so I have less expenses to outlay?

OP posts:
80sMum · 15/10/2013 07:39

It sounds like you are not 'partners' in any sense of the word. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If not, leave now. It will only get harder to do the longer you leave it.

NeedlesCuties · 15/10/2013 08:21

Why can't he look after the child while he's out of work redundant?

You don't need to pay him ££ to look after his own child! Would save you money in nursery fees.

The whole thing sounds mad.

Who pays for nappies, baby clothes etc? Does he make you divide it by 50% so you both can pay half each time?

YABU if you continue to live like this and think it's in any way normal. YANBU to be finally waking up and seeing it as a shambles.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 15/10/2013 08:29
  1. don't pay him for child care - he did not pay you when on ML.
  2. expect him to pay for 50% of everything you paid for when on ML.

he needs to either change, or you need to stop letting him do this to you.

YABU to tell him what the solution is - you are not his parent - how he sorts this out is his problem but I am glad you are looking to change things.

Original poster
thehorsedentist · 15/10/2013 09:27

I feel like his parent sometimes. He just doesn't have a clue about how "normal" families work as he was raised by a man hating single mother so often he actually thinks he is doing me a favour by being a father. But he is a very good father, and I couldn't function without his support around the house.

I don't know how I can live without him but I also can't forgive him. I'm so lost and don't have anyone close by to turn to for support.

OP posts:
OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 15/10/2013 09:31

OP he is NOT a very good father - he treats the mother of his child like shit, for one thing.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 15/10/2013 09:32

Gosh, that came out rather more angry than I intended! It's anger on your behalf, I promise.

sweetestcup · 15/10/2013 09:33

Im sorry OP, I totally disagree that he is a good Father. No decent Father would act like he does towards you.

olgaga · 15/10/2013 09:36

I think the best thing you can do is plan to leave your job and your current set-up and go back to live near your family.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 15/10/2013 09:39

He isn't a good father. Is it good for your child to see a parent treating the other like this? Is it good for your child to have a parent with holey shoes and struggling with debts?

As someone points out, while he's not working he can look after your son. And no, of course you don't pay him to do so –yes, it is his responsibility too.

If he won't accept this, take ADish's advice on money matters, and seriously consider moving nearer to family. If he won't support you and your work alone can't support you either, you need someone else on your team.

RueDeWakening · 15/10/2013 09:44

Can you split bills a different way? Eg you bring home 62% of the money each month so you pay 62% of the bills. That way you should both be left with some spending money.

Though why you'd want to stay with him is beyond me tbh.

BeCool · 15/10/2013 09:44

Yes why isn't he looking after your child while he is out of work? Wherever he lives he can do this.

Good Dads treat their child's mother respectfully.

Looking towards the future do you really want to be with this person on these terms? If not do you think he is capable of meaningful change? It doesn't sound like a viable relationship to me.

You might be surprised at just how easy life is without him - once you get the financial support you will be entitled to in place. I used to think ex-P did 50% around the home and with DC and I would ~REALLY struggle without that help and support. Not the case at all. Life is much easier without constantly propping up a negative person.

TheCrackFox · 15/10/2013 10:00

Are there better job prospects where your family are?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2013 10:03

I agree with some of the others.
Make a plan to go and live nearer your family.
You will need the support and you can get a better job etc....
And RueDe - did you read the original post.
She had no money at all and she still had to pay 50% of everything.
Time for him to taste his own medicine I'm afraid.
None of this 62% crap - 50% is what he needs to pay and look after his child (as she had to) and not be a financial burden.

OP contact CAB and see what you are entitled to without him there and still working and then see what you are entitled to without working. You may be better off but I don't know on this at all.

But yes - get rid of this useless arse. No 'good father' would treat the mother of their child like this - simple.

And I bet that's the only good thing you can come up with about him as well???

BeCool · 15/10/2013 10:06

UK Benefits Calculator

Lweji · 15/10/2013 10:14

How exactly is he a good father? Hmm

If he is, he'll have the baby, or be working hard to get a new job, but still take the baby to day nursery regardless of his relationship with the mum.

And supporting a mum when she's taking care of a child is just basic. She is doing childcare for their baby.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 15/10/2013 10:20

thehorsedentist

can you think about what you do/he does that makes you feel like this:

"I feel like his parent sometimes"

and try to agree with your partner a solution that makes you a team of equals raising a child together.

TheBigJessie · 15/10/2013 10:24

I'm not saying the following to boast; I just want to explain how life works when people are in a genuine relationship.

Years ago, before my husband and I even moved in together, I was panicking about a wedding outfit for a wedding in his family, to which I was invited as his girlfriend. I was on JSA at the time after my job ending, and rather poor.

My now-husband took me shopping, helped me choose an outfit and bought it. I think the lot came to £75. I bet that's more than your shoes would have been!

We have been looking after each other and sharing, ever since. Sometimes I bring in money. Sometimes he does. But we share.

TheBigJessie · 15/10/2013 10:27

Actually, I think outfit was £125! I can remember him hugging me and explaining that relationships were about support when I panicked after seeing the price labels.

Original poster
thehorsedentist · 15/10/2013 11:28

He doesn't do it in a spiteful way, he truly doesn't, he's just hopelessly naive and believes that all women are money grabbing like his mother.

Before the baby it wasn't an issue as we had similar incomes so he spent it on whatever he chose and I bought shoes and furniture (my downfalls). But when I was pregnant he was made redundant for the 1st time and had to take a job with a massive pay cut so saved all I could out of my wages to fund my maternity, he carried on as normal. Now he has been made redundant for the second time he is desperately searching for jobs so I pay childcare to let him focus on searching, but only until the end of the month as that is all I can afford.

It's not a Scrooge lifestyle, honestly, if he buys a pack of nappies then I buy the next pack. We pay for shopping on alternate weeks and he has standing orders to pay his rent money and bills into my account automatically.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 15/10/2013 11:41

please stop making excuses for this man. There is a chorus of LTB here. If you don't want to do that, sit him down and have an adult conversation explaining how adult relationships work.

I can't see any partnership, respect or love here. Do you enjoy his company? Does he enjoy yours? Do you have anything in common other than the child?

you get one life and wasting it like this is terrible. Perhaps he can change - but if not, run. There is ALWAYS a solution.

good luck.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 15/10/2013 12:16

We pay for shopping on alternate weeks and he has standing orders to pay his rent money and bills into my account automatically.

but when you were on ML, this was not fair or ok. your view of 'acceptable' has changed so you cannot see what ok behaviour looks like.

you could spend all your life like this. and you wont get a second chance.

TheBigJessie · 15/10/2013 12:22

he's just hopelessly naive and believes that all women are money grabbing like his mother.

In your own words, he's incapable of any woman, even you, his partner, as an individual. There's a word for that. Misogynist.

TheBigJessie · 15/10/2013 12:22

Of seeing, that should read.

TheBigJessie · 15/10/2013 12:28

And he's not naïve. He's very calculating with protecting himself from all responsibilities. You're the naïve one, making excuses for a grown adult, who can't get past his mother's behaviour, and believing he can't help generalising 50% of the world's population!

Would it be okay and naïve for him to believe all black people were thieves, because his parents' cleaner was a thief and black?

Or would you call it what it is: nastiness?

Lweji · 15/10/2013 12:32

He's so naive that he doesn't want to fund your maternity leave (of a baby he produced), leaving you in debt and with shoes falling apart, but is happy for you to pay chilcare while he looks for a job?

Why doesn't he get in debt to pay for his share of childcare while looking for a job?

It does look like you should make him redundant.