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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

using a nursery for 5 month old

128 replies

babydueinmarch · 13/10/2013 16:17

Hi, my first baby is due in March. Unfortunately, due to redundancy and a big hit on our savings (but didn't want to wait to TTC due to my age) I'm not going to be able to afford a lot of time off for maternity leave and will be looking to go back to work in September when the baby will be 5 months.

I have looked around a lovely nursery (rated outstanding) and had more or less decided to put the baby there but have been open to criticism, some of it direct ("I couldn't do that!" with teeth-sucking) and some less explicit, just head-shaking and tut-tuts.

It's really upsetting and I wondered if anyone had any 'comebacks' as I know Mumsnet is good for these!

OP posts:

teacher123 · 13/10/2013 18:27

I think that this is one of those things where you have to go with what suits you and ignore everyone else. It IS hard though. I chose a CM for DS and I am the only one of my friends who didn't pick nursery. I am absolutely happy with my choice and know that DS is thriving. The problem is that when you make a choice that's different to other people's they automatically assume you are judging theirs. Which isn't the case. Good luck!

Finola1step · 13/10/2013 18:27

Hettie gives lots of vv good advice.

whatever5 · 13/10/2013 18:27

Eldest dd went to a nursery at five or six months. At the time most children started at that age or a bit younger as you could only have a maximum of six months maternity leave. She settled in much more quickly than my younger daughter who went at 2 years.

PurplePidjin · 13/10/2013 18:28

I'm a SAHM and get the teeth-sucking cats-bum face off mardy arses who "couldn't be doing with all that, dearie"

Welcome to the world of parenting where your every move is scrutinised intensely by little old ladies on buses :o

Do what's right for your family. And congratulations on your pregnancy

oliveoctagon · 13/10/2013 18:30

We do a 1:2 ratio for babies under 1. I wouldnt feel comfortable having more than that at that age.

Varya · 13/10/2013 18:30

Sounds like you have checked out a good nursery and as you need to return to work for financial reasons, no-one should question your choice or your decision. Good luck next Spring, with your lovely new baby.

hettienne · 13/10/2013 18:43

Bear in mind that the most important thing for young babies is that their emotional and attachment needs are met - especially for a baby as young as the OP's as the attachment to the mother/parent hasn't finished forming yet. A good, well qualified baby room leader will understand this. Don't be impressed by an array of exciting activities if this is neglected.

For a baby in nursery (especially long hours) it is essential that they are able to form secure attachments to their carers. Be extremely wary of staff who tell you they avoid the baby becoming attached to one person because it makes things difficult for them - I have come across more than one nursery unfortunately that takes this attitude!

There has been some research that concluded that childminders are better placed to provide these responsive, emotionally positive and stable relationships that babies need, but there are things that good nurseries do to address these issues. The ideal for a baby in nursery is to stay in the same group of 6 or so children with two or three consistent adults for 12 months+. Run like a mile from nurseries that force babies to switch groups and key person every few months (I have seen baby units that switch group every 3-6 months) and are in groups as big as 12 children.

oliveoctagon · 13/10/2013 18:46

If you dont live in London or a big city there probably wont be many settings that take more than 6 under 2s at a time. I have never worked in one, although I have travelled around and seen the odd bigger one.

AmIthatHot · 13/10/2013 18:51

DD went to nursery at 4 months, because my 50% salary maternity pay finished and I needed to feed, clothe and keep a roof over her head.

She is now 14 and is the most amazing girl. It hasn't harmed her.

I picked one where on my visit the staff were all affectionate and gave the children cuddles and attention.

It worked for us.

I did get some criticism from some who thought they knew better.
One bitch said to me "oh, I stayed home with mine, because I loved spending time with them" Lucky for her, having a mega rich farmer husband allowed her that luxury

Ignore the judgers and go with it

hettienne · 13/10/2013 18:51

I've known several nurseries with 24+ under 2s, one with a under 2 unit of 48!! Poor things had to move on to the next age group every 5 minutes. Usually it is only children's centres that keep baby groups small and stable.

Wishihadabs · 13/10/2013 18:53

Sorry haven't read whole thread dd went to nursery at 5 months, she loved it, they loved her and they made me tea and toast while I breast fed her. it was great ignore the naysayers. She is 7 now gorgeous and extremely happy doing well at school.

oliveoctagon · 13/10/2013 18:54

That must be a city. I have never heard of that. There is only two settings out of 14 in my town that take more than 9 under 2s. Most usually have less. My current one is a 1:2 ratio for under 1s. That seems standard for the under 1s in my area.

OwlinaTree · 13/10/2013 19:05

Your baby will be fine as it will have parents who have made sensible decisions in order to raise it responsibly and you have obviously put a lot of thought into the choice of setting. You will still have a lovely amount of time with your baby before going back to work.

You will be judged what ever decisions you make, starting with how you choose to deal with your placenta no doubt. Remember, people's comments say more about them than about you.

Good luck, im due in March too! join the anti natal thread!

chocolatecrispies · 13/10/2013 19:08

People will judge you when you are a parent whatever you do. I am now a SAHM (after working outside the home for 3 years with young children) and get told all the time 'I couldn't do that'.
However I wouldn't let one person's bad experience with a child minder put you off them completely - there is fairly significant amounts of research which shows that early group care is not ideal for babies and that the more hours a week they do the worse it is. In attachment terms even switching every 12 months is not great, whereas if you find a good childminder you could be looking at continuity of care up to school age and even beyond. The childminders available now will probably be completely different to those available when you need them - around here you can only really start looking for childminders 3 months before you need them.
It is up to you to ignore the research if you choose but at least make yourself aware of all the factors in your choice so you are making an informed decision.

Original poster

babydueinmarch · 13/10/2013 19:11

As I have said, it isn't just my friend's experience - it is a range of factors. I just feel more comfortable using a nursery.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 13/10/2013 19:21

My child never bothered moving up a room or having a new nursery nurse after a year it just means he says hello to everyone and gets loadsa cuddles cos hes spent time with them,its also good because if a girl from another room covers his room he knows them.i dont know what nurseries people have seen but they sound very different to his.im really proud of his,they must just be great.i dont get what is better about a childminder tbh,how is it shown that theyre better?i cant see how anyone can judge that.

Original poster

babydueinmarch · 13/10/2013 19:24

I think as with all things it varies massively - a good childminder will obviously be better than a bad nursery, and vice versa too. If I'd met a childminder who was helpful, pleasant and who offered my child top quality care then absolutely.

As it was the childminders we have met were lacklustre, vague and in one case quite rude. The children were restricted to one room which I didn't like and huge chunks of the day were devoted to school runs. By contrast the nursery is a big lovely spacious home, with a big garden and lots of friendly, smiley, happy staff and children. We felt welcome there which wasn't a feeling at any of the childminders!

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 13/10/2013 19:26

Its nothing to do with anyone else! I will be going back when dd is 6 months old. I was studying when ds was only 4 months old and put in nursery . Two of my friends are also returning to work when their baby is 6 months.

Yes its a shame etc etc but heck so is a house and clothes and food.

OwlinaTree · 13/10/2013 19:27

I should think the relationship would have to be very good between a childminder and the child chocolatecrispies for it to be better than a nursery. Presumably with lots of staff in a nursery the child would get a good relationship with at least some of the staff, as there are more than 1. So unless you personally really liked the childminder and could see your child did too i can't really see how it would be guaranteed to be better than a nursery just cos it's a childminder. Do you have a link to the research?

LimitedEditionLady · 13/10/2013 19:28

Babydueinmarch,your minds made up!itll be fab,his nursery staff are fab,they want him to go more cos they miss him....plus theres nothing nicer than hearing them tell me the things hes enjoyed doing and seeingvthat he brings them as much joy as me

neunundneunzigluftballons · 13/10/2013 19:29

Dd went to a nursery aged 5 mths if I had my time back I would have used a childminder. The nursery was fine but I have since come to the conclusion that one on one care is better for a child of this age and that it is overwhelming for such immature immune systems to be around so many other children at that age.

LimitedEditionLady · 13/10/2013 19:31

Ha kinda sounds like youre being told that youre making crap choice because its not a childminder,lol.kinda links to people telling you youre wrong like your original post

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/10/2013 19:31

I've worked in lots of nurseries and pre-schools and think 5 months is a great age to start! Babies settle much more easily at 5 months than at about a year IMO. Old enough to be settled in themselves, to be able to sit up and play with toys, but not old enough to miss Mum for long.
Perfect! Good luck with everything

LittleBearPad · 13/10/2013 19:34

Your baby will be fine in a nursery truly. They will be very well looked after. Don't worry about the lip-pursers. If you do everything perfectly they will still find something to suggest otherwise. So smile and ignore, smile and ignore.

Naebother · 13/10/2013 19:37

I've used both. Never regretted either.

Nursery was perfect for dc1. Small baby room, lots of cuddles and a very happy 3 years.

Pros are reliablility, longer hours,school holiday cover.

I've used childminder for dc2 and this has been great as she can take dc1 to school and collect too. They will, hopefully, be with her through primary school.

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