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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I'm just playing at being a grown up

59 replies

Me2Me2 · 13/10/2013 08:16

36 with two small kids and still feel just out of uni. I imagine everyone is a bit like this but, I mean, when I compare myself to my parents at my age, well they were just so much more adult - the table was laid for every meal, they always dressed well, including around the house, they used 'the silver' for special occasions, the house was always tidy (not just when they couldnt take the mess anymore), their finances were in order, etc etc. Life was organised, in other words.
We're fine and very happy - I even think we're ok parents. But we're not grown up

Who feels like this?

OP posts:

vix206 · 13/10/2013 08:19

Me in lots of ways but then in other ways I think I'm more mature than my parents even are now (emotionally!)

Sammie101 · 13/10/2013 08:21

I do too, but then again I went from living at home spending my money on whatever I wanted (bags, lovely bags!) to saving up for a baby and moving out! I'm 23 now but even when I'm older I don't imagine I'll ever live in a tidy, perfect home. I'm just too darn lazy

KirjavaTheCorpse · 13/10/2013 08:23

I do. I don't know if my age has anything to do with it, I am 23, but I don't feel as though I take myself seriously as a mother.

I get the thing about dressing well - if I'm not leaving the house I mooch in joggers and a t-shirt. When I was growing up, adults got dressed properly in the morning no matter what they were doing, except if they were ill in bed.

I genuinely feel that my house isn't a 'grown-up' house, that people will come in and get the impression of student accommodation if I don't do XYZ, or have this or have that. Always on my mind.

I don't tidy and clean to have a nice home, I tidy and clean because I think I ought to, because that's what grown-ups do

We're all happy though, and my little boy is polite and well mannered. I just don't feel 'proper'. Weird.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/10/2013 08:23

Me. Recently I feel as though everything is spiralling out of control. Bills are adding up, there are no jobs, we are stuck in a really bad place right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

My parents were also very organised. Dinner at the table every night, house was tidy all the time, clothes were always washed. In this house we eat at the table probably 2 nights out of 7, the house is tidy ish but not really, and there are piles of washing needing done.

Add to that, DD1 is so angry lately, I just can't get through to her at all, my mum was the same with me and I don't want history to repeat.

Its not just you OP. :(

superbagpuss · 13/10/2013 08:23

I feel the same

gives me a shock when I remember I'm a respectable married mum of two

MrsBungle · 13/10/2013 08:27

Me too! I cannot believe I'm a 35 year old married mother of two.

I still feel like an 18 year old who would fancy doing Ibiza for the summer! -well in my head, my body world not hold up to that--

COCKadoodledooo · 13/10/2013 08:27

Me! Exactly the same. Mum and Dad were all about the dinner parties and committee meeting hosting at my age, and we've barely room to have one friend round at a time. Me and dsis were having weekly riding lessons by now and it's a far off dream for my dc to do likewise. Our house is barely half the size of the one I lived in at ds1's age.
But mainly inside I still feel no different from when I first went to uni - barely responsible enough to support myself let alone 2 dc, a husband, a house and a job - and that was over half a lifetime ago!

It's actually a relief that I'm not the only one, so thank you!

siblingrevelry · 13/10/2013 08:29

It still feels like I'm pretending when I refer to DH or DC as 'my husband' or 'my son' (when talking to anyone official, like booking doc appts etc). I'm 38 with 3 kids, my own home and 10 yrs married but it still sounds too grown up!

MrsLouisTheroux · 13/10/2013 08:33

Me2 My parents were the same. Everything was in order. Whole weekends were given up to a routine of chores.
The table was always laid, food cooked, washing/ironing done, house tidy, paperwork done, garden pristine. Both parents worked FT too.
This thread has made me wonder when they did it all and I think the main difference is that from age 7 onwards we children were off out of the house, with friends, in the park. My parents had loads of time without us to get on with things. My DC aren't out and about all weekend and we do a lot more together.

TheWazzock · 13/10/2013 08:33

Oh thank fuck for that! I'm 27, married and have a DD. We're saving for a mortgage. And yet I still feel like it's all a big game and one day a switch will flick and I'll feel like a grown up.
Glad I'm not the only one.

indecisiveandclueless · 13/10/2013 08:35

Still feel like this at 48, a single mum to teenage DC!

iamadoozermum · 13/10/2013 08:37

Hurrah, it's not just me then . I'm 38, have four children and a management position at work and still don't feel grown-up in the way my parents were/are.

Our house is messy, we don't manage to have a roast dinner every Sunday, I rarely put make-up on (my mum does whenever she leaves the house), I wear comfortable clothes (even at work), have never had a dinner party, I don't feel 'capable and organised' (which is how I perceive my parents) etc ...

Every so often I think, gosh I must be some kind of grown-up, especially with all these children but I don't feel it!

AKissIsNotAContract · 13/10/2013 08:37

I feel like this too! It's not something I could admit anywhere else.

Original poster

Me2Me2 · 13/10/2013 08:38

I have that sibling. I actually like saying husband because it makes me feel grown up, ha ha. But when I say 'my children' or 'the kids' I have a private freak out

OP posts:

JRmumma · 13/10/2013 08:39

Yep, me. I think everyone does in one way or another. I bet if we asked our parents how they felt at x age they would say they felt the same though.

I think we expect to feel different as we grow older but i guess coz it happens so gradually we don't notice it. I also think that life in general used to have more of a routine (setting the table etc) but most people just don't live like that anymore.

DorisShuttAgainstGhosts · 13/10/2013 08:40

I feel like this a lot of the time. Mainly at work - I have a management level job and will (by the end of next year) be running the accounts, admin and payroll department for my firm. Still think someone is going to notice that I have no clue what I'm doing!

Earthymama · 13/10/2013 08:42

I have 2 (very) grown up children and 5 grandchildren and I keep waiting to be a Grown Up too!!

In fact, I was probably more of an adult back in my 20s; we had dinner parties, I cleaned the windows inside and out every week, we had a babysitter and went out on Friday or Saturday every week. I felt immense pressure to keep the house tidy and to cook to a good standard.

I think that we assume that a fairly ordered and structured, middle class rules life is a Grown Up one; I like my life now more than then, though I loved having my children as small people.

Life is harder now; people in many cases have demanding jobs that they need to pay the bills. As a wife I worked for extras. I always hated the term pin money.

So when you see that older woman, (I hate 'old lady' too) looking at you and your children remember that she isn't always judging you; she may be looking back at her life and envying you, wishing she was young and could wear the latest fashions and sport the latest haircut.

(I am not talking about me, I wear what I like and often have a bit of purple in my hair. I envy you the time you have left to do all the things you want and your skin!)

SPBisResisting · 13/10/2013 08:43

Strange isn't it - I bet our parents felt the same though!
I found out recently that my dad almost got kicked out of university for refusing to tie hie hair back into a ponytail. I struggle to reconcile this with the short-back-and-sides, reliable, dependable, sensible, always has money, always has advice, conformist dad that I have known all my life :o

pudseypie · 13/10/2013 08:44

I feel the same am 34 married, have mortgage and 1dc but feel like a teenage imposter. My mum told me she feels the same like she she's stuck at 19 and she's in her 60's so I guess the feeling never goes and surely better to be young at heart than old of mind?

pudseypie · 13/10/2013 08:46

CreatureRetorts · 13/10/2013 08:49

But were they like that all the time? With toddlers? MIL has told me stories of how hard it was with hers when they were really young. However as the kids got older, order was restored!

raisah · 13/10/2013 08:49

Me too....At 38 I am still waiting to grow up!

Tailtwister · 13/10/2013 08:55

I feel the same way, but I think it's a symptom of the way the majority of people live nowadays. We often have to juggle a dual income household, where my parents always had one person at home managing everything. Once we were at school, my Mum spent her days cooking, cleaning, dealing with bills, gardening etc. Don't get me wrong, she worked bloody hard (and did everything herself), but as a couple they had more control over things.

Also, people were able to buy their family home and settle down when they were much younger.

Yamyoid · 13/10/2013 09:13

I feel the same. 2 dcs and a messy house but I think we're a bit more responsible than in our 20s. I still go out till 4 in the morning though occasionally.
I have old friends who I see as the same as us but the school mum friends seem so sensible and grown up!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/10/2013 09:20

I'm in my 50s, and I still can't believe that I'm allowed to do all this grown up stuff, like carry more than a fiver or use bleach unsupervised.

Still, the cries of "useless little shit" are fading, which is nice.

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