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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I'm just playing at being a grown up

59 replies

Me2Me2 · 13/10/2013 08:16

36 with two small kids and still feel just out of uni. I imagine everyone is a bit like this but, I mean, when I compare myself to my parents at my age, well they were just so much more adult - the table was laid for every meal, they always dressed well, including around the house, they used 'the silver' for special occasions, the house was always tidy (not just when they couldnt take the mess anymore), their finances were in order, etc etc. Life was organised, in other words.
We're fine and very happy - I even think we're ok parents. But we're not grown up

Who feels like this?

OP posts:

500internalerror · 13/10/2013 09:27

I feel more grown up when dh is away (which is rare) because I just get on with stuff, & there's no safety net.

WhispersOfWickedness · 13/10/2013 09:28

I feel the same, I'm 31, married with two DC
My school friends are all starting to have babies now, and I can't help remembering us when we were teenagers... How can you be having a baby when you only fancied that other guy last week?! Oh yes, it's actually been 13 years since we left school.... WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?

FrenchRuby · 13/10/2013 09:31

I'm 25, married with 2 kids. I just started uni and I honestly feel like I'm the same age as everyone there. I keep having to remind myself that most of them are 7/8 years younger than me. I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm a grown up.

SPBisResisting · 13/10/2013 09:32

Disgraced :(

SomethingOnce · 13/10/2013 09:40

I think it's at least in part because we have higher expectations of what we and our children can do and own; we have to work harder to fund these things and find time for them.

For example, not so long ago, the shops had half day opening in the week and you couldn't shop on Sundays.

SomethingOnce · 13/10/2013 09:41

Oh, and my point was that this leaves us feeling a bit frazzled and out of control!

VillandraMcTavish · 13/10/2013 09:42

I feel quite grown up but tbh it has come with financial stability.
Don't forget that if your parents were able to get the silver out and have a roast every Sunday, they were likely very financially stable. To be that way in their generation took physically less work than it does now, thanks to the economy and price of food/utilities etc.

If anything I have moments of being a young child: I would love someone not to ask me to make decisions, would love to just be taken places and amused, and not have to do it for anyone else!

Stripyjojocat · 13/10/2013 09:50

I feel exactly the same... Although I'm technically still a teenager. Fell pregnant in May (surprise but very much loved baby) just before finishing my A-levels and while my mates were living it up in Ibiza and Magaluf I was attending my midwife appointments and house hunting. The week they all went off to uni I moved into my own house and they spend their days going to lectures and lying in until midday and I spend mine going to a 9-5 full time job.
I feel like I'm just pretending and that I should still be in school. However although maybe I wish the timing could have been a little bit different, I'm incredibly happy and know this is right for me.

HoleyGhost · 13/10/2013 09:52

I think housing has a lot to do with it - our parents' generation were mostly able to have a grown up family home when they were much younger. That meant they could put down roots and have people over to dinner.

Tiny starter homes or insecure private rentals don't let you do that.

Katkins1 · 13/10/2013 09:53

Stripyjojocat, not all students do that. You sound bitter. I'm a Mum and student. If you have A'Levels, good for you. Go to uni yourself instead of stereotyping students who work long hours too.

saythatagain · 13/10/2013 10:01

I'm still deciding what I want to do when I grow up; trouble is, I'm going to be 46 next month.
I've come to the conclusion that what will be, will be.

Charliefarlie1192 · 13/10/2013 10:04

I feel exactly like this! I always wonder when I am going to wake up a grown up

grumpyoldbat · 13/10/2013 10:08

stripey I'm a student, all be it an older one. No long lies and no work for me.

I get up between 530 and 540. Sort thing out for the day. Leave at 7. On a good day get home between 430 an6 depending on where I finish. Then cook, clean and look after my dc for a few hours then study til midnight 1am before a bit of sleep and starting again. On a normal weekend I'd be off out at work. On a bad day I go straight to work from uni and get home around 11. If course students are lazy .

I don't feel remotely grown up even though I'm old enough to be the parent of uni students. Everyone else seems so grown up and competent in comparison to how I feel.

claraschu · 13/10/2013 10:08

I'm 48, but still feel embarrassed when people offer me a drink: "tea or coffee", "would you like a glass of wine?", like I'm not old enough for alcohol or caffeine.

Lara2 · 13/10/2013 10:14

Maybe being grown-up is nothing to do with a tidy house, being organised etc. Maybe it's about being responsible - as in now you have children you have a responsibility to be the best parent you can. Doesn't mean you have to be sensible all the time and have no fun in your life, but you're not always the most important person anymore. It's about knowing deep down that you have been the kindest, most thoughtful person you can be (the majority of the time). It's about letting go of the expectations of your parents, society and doing what you know is right for you and yours.
I'm 51 and still waiting to grow up if you compare me to my parents at this age. But I know I'm now closer to dying than I was 10/20 years ago and it bloody well focuses the mind on what's truly important! (Cheery thought -sorry). I still like running my hands along walls and fences like I did as a child, I balance on the kerb, I clap my hands I'd I'm excited sometimes - I know sounding bizarre now - but being grown-up doesn't mean you have to let go of the wonder in small things.

tilliebob · 13/10/2013 10:27

Absolutely. Sometimes I look at DH and say "How are we here, with 3 kids, a mortgage and life insurance?" I honestly don't know how it happened. I'm constantly amazed my kids are all still alive and thriving, really. Not as much as my mum is though, I'm sure she only pops in to check they're all still surviving

Original poster

Me2Me2 · 13/10/2013 10:32

I've just resolved to get a butter dish. I reckon that might be the ultimate token of grown upness

OP posts:

CailinDana · 13/10/2013 10:34

I actually feel a lot more grown up than my parents. Yes, they did the regular mealtimes at the table, the tidy house but emotionally neither of them have moved beyond the age of 12. They made a good show of being grown ups. I still feel young in some ways but even growing up I felt I was more the parent than they were. I suppose I missed out on being careffee, might do it when I'm older!

EATmum · 13/10/2013 11:15

I rather suspect that everyone feels this way - always thought so and this thread confirms it. I hit 40 this year and I'm still planning for my grown up years. I have three children and we don't regularly eat together and dinner parties are a mystery. But my folks were divorced by this point and the clean house didn't stop that. My house is constantly messy but we prefer the term 'lived in'!

farmerswifey · 13/10/2013 11:34

I still love dinosaurs and waltzers and waving at people in nail bars, but generally I do feel like an adult - having my daughter has helped.

I do feel like EVERYONE is more grown-up than me though. Seriously, how can I be older than Mo Farrah and Lewis Hamilton - they're grown-up people, with careers!

I think this sums it up for me!

WhispersOfWickedness · 13/10/2013 11:45

To be fair to Stripy, the students she's talking about are young 18y year olds, not mature students with houses and children! Of course, some courses are demanding, but lots are not full time lectures, and if you haven't got any other responsibilities, it's probably very easy to lie in until midday and at least give the impression that you're not very busy We are at the beginning of term as well, so Stripy's not seen the last minute panic and working through the night that young students often do to get assignments in on time!

Stripyjojocat · 13/10/2013 12:10

I didn't mean to cause offence by my comments! I'm not bitter at all, I'm going to uni next September. I just deferred my place for a year.
All my friends put photos on fb of freshers, write statuses about how skint they are and how this 9 am lecture is killing them. I was just going off that!

Original poster

Me2Me2 · 13/10/2013 12:30

lara2- wise words. I'm not surprised most of us feel not yet grown up and I know what my parents were doing at my age isn't exactly the measure. I think I have a problem with my age and that's part of it - denial that I'm not 22 anymore
Going back to the cooking, cleaning, house in order side of things, I reckon I'm less grown up than my peers too (though emotionally much more adult, obvs...)

OP posts:

PirateJelly · 13/10/2013 12:32

Me. I turn 30 in a couple of weeks and I struggle to even say it, it sticks in my throat. There's nothing wrong with being 30 it's just I'm no where near being 30!! Im 21 at a push

I remember when I was a kid all adults were proper grown ups but I still feel like my mum is a grown up and I'm a child, despite having a child myself and running a house etc. Where the years have gone is beyond me, I feel like I only left school maybe 4 or 5 years ago at the most. It terrifies me that the next big 10 is my 40th but more so in ten years my mum will be 70. I still think of her as only late 30's.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this

RevelsRoulette · 13/10/2013 12:36

I feel like a kid playing house
I am also waiting for the day my handbag will magically stop being filled with so much crap that I have to tip it upside down all over the floor to find anything and will transform itself into a proper grown up lady's bag.

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