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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave a friend in the lurch?

69 replies

ARoundSoundLikeGround · 11/10/2013 21:17

Back story; my OH and I have been saving for years for a deposit on a house. We finally found the first home of our dreams and, after a few cold-feet moments on his part, placed an offer which was accepted.

In preparation, we handed in our notice at our lovely rented accommodation - he will be moving in with his parents with the dog at the end of the month and I have moved in with a friend who also happens to live considerably closer to my work. (There's not enough room at his parents for us both, plus thats a situation I wouldn't want to be in!)

OH started to have wobbles (about his work life mainly) and it resulted in some serious arguing and a real contemplation as to whether we should go through with the house buy. But its all resolved and everything is hunky dory.

Friend - let's call her Jane - knows about everything.

The original plan was for me to move in with Jane for about six months whilst we renovate the house, OH would stay at his parents. However Jane has been having a lot of problems recently; a (not close) family member died and she broke up with her boyfriend (thus the need of a housemate).

I moved in about 5 weeks ago, and was a little shocked about the house. It had never been a clean house - quite student-accomodation like - but liveable. However the place is now a tip. Kim & Aggy, don't take your shoes off, don't touch the walls shit tip. The carpet looks like someone has given birth on it, you can't really tell though through the inch thick layer of black dog hair from her (extremely large) dog. Betty (the dog) was sick the other night and Jane simply scraped up the sick bits and left it at that.

I cannot explain how filthy this house is, but trust me it is disgusting. She works from home so I have no idea how she can cope with it.

Unfortuantely I'm never there long enough to clean significantly (I basically only stay overnight - back about 6pm leave at 6am) and I certainly don't have time to add to the mess ( I eat dinner at work because I'm a bit frightened off the kitchen which is crawling with dirt) I study in the evenings a lot.

On top of this, Jane seems to have flipped. Before she was the nicest person I knew, now it seems like I can't say anything without her trying to twist it into an argument. Everything I say gets a huge inquisition and (being quite insecure) I'm finding this really hard to cope with.

The house sale is due to complete in 4-5 weeks.
Jane desperately needs a housemate (though clearly doesn't want one) and probably will struggle to find another after me because of how big and badly behaved Betty is and the state of the house.

But I really don't think I can stay there any longer being belittled and having to shower at work because I can't seem to get clean in her bathroom.

WIBU to give her 4 weeks notice on Monday and move into the new house (which is liveable, all problems are cosmetic) and leave Jane in the lurch financially?

(I have endless sympathy for her re: her current circumstances (boyfriend, family death) but this happened months ago and she just seems to be getting worse.)

OP posts:
Original poster
ARoundSoundLikeGround · 11/10/2013 21:18

Crikey, that was an essay. Sorry!

OP posts:
IvanaCake · 11/10/2013 21:20

Yanbu.

Although if you're back there for 6pm I dont see why you couldn't help her get it clean?

Original poster
ARoundSoundLikeGround · 11/10/2013 21:31

I do clean a little bit but
a) I hate cleaning
b) I have to do at least 2 hours of study each night
c) I feel really resentful cleaning up her filth as she just sits and watches me or half heartedly joins in with a damp cloth for 5 minutes.

The place just needs burning to the ground and starting again really. Its not just a simple cleaning job, it needs serious work.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 11/10/2013 21:35

It sounds as though she is clinically depressed.
She needs help. You can't provide it, but you can offer to help her get the support she needs.
I couldn't live somewhere like that, but you need to have an open and honest discussion with her, offer to find a company to come and do a massive one-off clean, then get her to the g.p.
If she refuses your help, I don't think it's a tenable situation.

lizzzyyliveson · 11/10/2013 21:35

Have a big row with Jane and move into your own house pronto. You can't live like that and you don't deserve to put up with Jane's temper for a month.

Original poster
ARoundSoundLikeGround · 11/10/2013 21:40

I had a feeling someone was going to suggest depression.

As a clinical psychologist I can tell you that she is not clinically depressed. Her personal hygiene is fine, her behaviour is normal (just not towards me), her sleep patterns are fine, she is not overeating, her work gets done to a high standard, she isn't anxious.

My best guess is that she resents me for taking her ex-boyfriend's place in the house and is displacing her anger onto me.
And tbh I think she is just extremely slovenly, her ex did a lot of the cleaning before I think.

OP posts:
IvanaCake · 11/10/2013 21:47

In which case definitely Yanbu. You can't be expected to clean whilst she watches.

If she doesn't change her ways she's not going to get another housemate.

MorrisZapp · 11/10/2013 21:50

Maybe she feels she's being used as your 'holding pattern' until your DP is ready to move in with you? If you don't need to be there, move out.

Original poster
ARoundSoundLikeGround · 11/10/2013 21:53

Morris - maybe. But that was the case all along, it seems unfair to punish me for it now I've moved in.

OP posts:
LowLevelWhinging · 11/10/2013 21:58

so, she's making a choice to live like that? having full capacity to make that (perhaps unwise) decision?

then YANBU. you are only bound by any contract you had about lodgings. other tha that you are not responsible for her.

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2013 22:03

OP, can I ask you something that's off-topic a little? You say she's not depressed because " Her personal hygiene is fine, her behaviour is normal (just not towards me), her sleep patterns are fine, she is not overeating, her work gets done to a high standard, she isn't anxious."

When I was married, my (now ex) husband was having an affair for many years. I didn't know. I felt like I was going mad, as though the ground wasn't safe beneath my feet. I didn't display any of the behavioural patterns you write about above but I was in a very, very bad way at times. When I found out, it was a great relief. I went to the doctor after a couple of years (I still didn't know at that point) and he said I was depressed. Can you say what symptoms I could have been exhibiting, besides almost being suicidal (for no reason - as far as I could see - at all)? I felt afterwards that I'd been misdiagnosed.

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2013 22:03

OP, can I ask you something that's off-topic a little? You say she's not depressed because " Her personal hygiene is fine, her behaviour is normal (just not towards me), her sleep patterns are fine, she is not overeating, her work gets done to a high standard, she isn't anxious."

When I was married, my (now ex) husband was having an affair for many years. I didn't know. I felt like I was going mad, as though the ground wasn't safe beneath my feet. I didn't display any of the behavioural patterns you write about above but I was in a very, very bad way at times. When I found out, it was a great relief. I went to the doctor after a couple of years (I still didn't know at that point) and he said I was depressed. Can you say what symptoms I could have been exhibiting, besides almost being suicidal (for no reason - as far as I could see - at all)? I felt afterwards that I'd been misdiagnosed.

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2013 22:03

Oops sorry for the double post.

CeliaFate · 11/10/2013 22:46

Well in that case, yanbu to move out with notice.

cjel · 11/10/2013 23:01

I'd also say that from my experience people who are depressed can quite often manage many areas of their lives and not others, and when something gets so bad like the state of the house it becomes to big a thing to face.
One of the big problems with diagnosing depression is that it doesn't have a magic one size fits all tick box.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 11/10/2013 23:12

You hate cleaning?

Well clearly so does she so you should have some sympathy. Or help her.

mumofweeboys · 11/10/2013 23:23

Errgg dog sick and carpet not cleaned?!?!?

I wouldn't be there a minute longer, I wouldn't even be giving notice, I would have walked there and then

Madratlady · 11/10/2013 23:30

I lived with someone like that for a while, she was severely depressed but very good at behaving 'normally' so it wasn't immediately obvious. I knew the situation before I moved in so just tried to clean a bit where I could and be supportive. I am very fond of the friend but I was glad when I moved out.

It sounds like Jane is having some problems.

fortyplus · 11/10/2013 23:36

I've got a friend who has just been diagnosed with clinical depression who keeps himself scrupulously clean but wouldn't leave dog vomit on the carpet.

Your friend is depressed but you should leave anyway.

Pisces · 11/10/2013 23:36

I think your friend is very depressed.

The very best thing in the world you could do for her is to clean the whole house from top to bottom.

You will be amazed at the change in her.

When you are depressed, everything is too, too much. What you crave is order. Once order has been resumed, life can be moved on in the most positive way.

I speak from personal experience and having the most brilliant (almost ex) sister in law who took it upon herself to clean up my house and organise me. She turned my life around.

Pisces · 11/10/2013 23:42

Ouch! I just read you are a clinical psychologist. How old are you and how much actual clinical experience have you had? Are you in Practice now?

For goodness sake, depression can manifest itself in very many different ways.

No one knew I was depressed, let alone suicidal! My best friend at the time was a lovely lady called Minnie who volunteered for the Samaritans which was lucky for me.

greenbananas · 11/10/2013 23:47

Pisces speaks truth, but maybe you can't face doing all that cleaning...

I do hope you're not going to lose a friendship over this.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/10/2013 00:13

Does it matter whether Jane is depressed or lazy? If you can't bear to live there and don't want to live there, and have somewhere to go - move out. Good grief it's not like you're her carer or mother or anything, and presumably she knew when you made the arrangements to move in that it would be a temporary thing. Maybe having to find someone to share with and pay their way will motivate her to clean up, and if it doesn't then maybe she will realise (if) she does need some help from the GP or whoever and get it. Either way, she is not your responsibility or problem.
I say this as someone whose house is a pigsty and who is definitely depressed, (diagnosed and medicated but still depressed) but still doesn't assume that everyone has to rally round and "do stuff" that I am incapable of doing.
And pisces really? Hmm "the best thing you could do for her is clean the whole house from top to bottom"? when will you be available to come and do mine then? get real. Why should the OP clean up someone else's vile unhygenic mess just because they may be depressed? Since when did the whole world owe a depressed person anything? I'm one, so if that's what you truly think, let me know when you will be coming to sort my house and life out for me and I will be eternally grateful - who knows, I may even be cured by your Good Deed and able to dance down the street singing merrily and never be depressed again and All Thanks To You...

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 00:21

'As a clinical psychologist I can tell you that she is not clinically depressed.'

That's the best answer I've seen to the inevitable 'they're obviously depressed' statement Grin

Maybe she's not depressed, maybe she's just fucking lazy? That is possible, I've seen it with mine own eyes.

You're in such a stressful situation all round OP, you need to be kinder to yourself and perhaps acknowledge that it's OK for the normal standards/rules of everyday life to be 'different' until you're back on your feet.

For now, it's all about survival.

And you can't/shouldn't have to live like this!

How are you going to put up with it for another 30 days?

And the be kinder advice goes for your OH too, getting cold feet is pretty normal I would say, just encourage him to take the plunge with all the positives this will bring for you both Smile

Pisces · 12/10/2013 00:26

Oh PomBearWithAnOFRS, if you want me girl, I will be there.

You never have to assume that anyone will BE there for you. They won't. It's those that have been through it that know what is needed.

PM me, I don't mind helping you sort your shit. Mine was sorted for me. And NO, it's not an overnight cure, for fucks sake it's not. But it did not half help me. I hope it will help you. I mean it, so get in touch.