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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh and after work drink

59 replies

magicstars · 11/10/2013 18:51

DH is a teacher, started a new job this Sep. He is usually finished by 5pm and when needs be, does his planning in the evening after dd is in bed. Since starting his new job, he's started going out for a drink on a Friday after work. I'm not that happy about this, as his commute is over an hour and having been at home all day with dd, I look forward to his company and help. I would hope he'd want to come home and spend some qt with us too.
He is still not home (blaming traffic) and so will miss dd's bedtime I am especially annoyed as dd and I are going away for the next week and therefore he should be prioritising spending time with us over socialising with his colleagues.
AIBU to be annoyed with him?

OP posts:

5madthings · 11/10/2013 18:53

Its one night a week!

Make sure you get a night out once a week so you get a break as well.

fedupandexhausted · 11/10/2013 18:53

I think yabu.....it's one night a week. Give him a break!

CailinDana · 11/10/2013 18:54

Do you get a night out once a week?

CoffeeTea103 · 11/10/2013 18:54

Yabu, it's one night a week!
Try alternating weeks with him so you both have a good balance. But it's really not worth making a big deal out of.

livinginwonderland · 11/10/2013 18:54

It's 7pm on a Friday, of course he can go for a drink. It's once a week, I really don't see the big deal here at all.

I thought you were going to say he was going out every day and missing all meals/bath/bedtime or something. As long as you get one night where you can go out or take yourself off for a bath while he does bedtime, I don't see why this should annoy you.

YABU.

Hassled · 11/10/2013 18:56

Agree - it's one night of unwinding with colleagues. I suspect the problem is that you're not getting any equivalent time to yourself - that's what you need to work on.

Original poster

magicstars · 11/10/2013 18:56

Ok thanks for the perspective, I will go easy on him.
He also does his hobby one night a week, and is often out doing other stuff another night. My fault that he's busier than me in the evenings though.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 11/10/2013 18:58

Afraid I think YABU too.

Once a week and home earlyish sounds reasonable. Does he look after your DH so you have a break at all?

Incidentally travelling conditions are terrible out there tonight (in the south anyway) so don't be cross about something out of his control.

Bowlersarm · 11/10/2013 19:00

Doh, spot mistake - your DD, he wouldn't be looking after himself to give you a break......

CailinDana · 11/10/2013 19:08

Is he ok with you going out?

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/10/2013 19:12

YABU, its one night to socialise with work people. You are going away so presumably get to do what you want.

BabeRuthless · 11/10/2013 19:15

He's getting to know his new colleagues, give him a bit of a break. It's easy to resent it when you don't get that night out yourself but he is in an enormously stressful job and he will need that time to unwind. Get yourself a regular break once a week and you won't be so bothered.

quietlysuggests · 11/10/2013 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 11/10/2013 19:24

My DH does a lot of social stuff during the week, when his friends are around/activities are on, but that's fine because I'm free to come and go as I please on weekends, which is better for me socially.

As long as he's not stopping you from doing stuff, I wouldn't sweat it!

BackforGood · 11/10/2013 19:24

I'll join you quietly and we can be a minority of 2
I'd have no problem with dh going out for a colleague's birthday or leaving do - or, in the case of teaching end of term or end of OFSTED 'do', but I think when you have small children, it's important to prioritise seeing them at the end of a long day. Same with my work - if I need to or want to occasionally, it's no problem, but that end of the afternoon / early evening time with little ones can be a hard slog, and if it's possible to share the load then I think that should be the 'default norm' for both parents.

VinegarDrinker · 11/10/2013 19:25

Crikey, paranoid much quietly? I think it's quite common for teachers (or any colleagues) to do Friday night drinks.

I would just claim one night a week (at least) for yourself, too, OP. But honestly, him missing bedtime once a week is really not the end of the world.

defineme · 11/10/2013 19:26

It's really hard starting new teaching jobs: none of the kids know you so they pay no attention; every school has it's own systems for myriad things and every management team has a different style. I think it's brilliant he's going out with them and would actively encourage my dh to do this.

Can you arrange more stuff for you or arrange a regular thing with him?

Squitten · 11/10/2013 19:28

Are you really suggesting that the OP's DH should be barred from socialising with his work colleagues and made to go out as a couple in case he decides to have an affair quietly....?!

That's bonkers!

ilovesooty · 11/10/2013 19:32

I think it's quite common for teachers (or any colleagues) to do Friday night drinks

It's been the norm with every teaching job I've had.

I couldn't agree more. And it doesn't sound as though he makes a night of it. I think this kind of interaction with colleagues will facilitate his fitting in at work and is good for morale.

YouTheCat · 11/10/2013 19:32

I don't think yabu if he's getting a lot of downtime and you're not.

Is he having a drink and then driving?

Original poster

magicstars · 11/10/2013 19:33

Thanks everyone. I have got a grip, now relaxing with a . I suppose because Friday after work drinks aren't an option for me, I am jealous and I do have occasional insecurities about him working in a profession where he is pretty much the only bloke (I know it's down to him etc...). I do trust him, but this does make me a bit uncomfortable and It seems to be the single teachers who he socialises with.
He's a devoted dad and h. I'll just get over it and book myself regular nights out in future (nice idea about the Fridays together quietly ) I am lucky to see friends often, but it's usually with the dc, so not quite the same!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 11/10/2013 19:33

Interesting ilovesooty as it's not been the norm in any school I've worked in - staff are generally shattered and ready to get home.

livinginwonderland · 11/10/2013 19:33

Really, quietly?

That's a bit ridiculous. He's trying to get to know his new colleagues - it can't be easy starting at a new school - you have to meet new colleagues and new children AND teach the syllabus and establish yourself as a respected teacher and member of staff. He should absolutely be allowed to go out once a week for a couple of drinks. It's not like it's every night and it's not like he's coming home hammered.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 11/10/2013 19:34

I think it is good for him to socialise but he has to let you have some time off too. Whether you need to get out and see friends or have a nice long soak in the bath or whatever it should be a bit of give and take. I have to say being a good socialiser is good for his career prospects as long as he doesn't go mad.
I think if you are feeling a bit lonely at home a lot talk it over with him. He sounds like a family orientated person in general despite all the hobbies so he might want to help you but not realise how you feel.

Bowlersarm · 11/10/2013 19:36

quietly that does sound very paranoid.

'Don't let space grow between you that another person can squeeze into.'

Firstly, most couples aren't joined at the hip so there is always 'space'. Secondly, presumably in this case there will have to be space for several people to squeeze into.

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